Update [November 1, 2011]

Welcome to November 2011! I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable Halloween/ Harvest festivities!

I’ve had another costume buddy move away this year. I need to meet another maybe. I could not much get into the spirit this year. A part of me each year wonders if I’ll ever have anything as good as when I was WonderWoman for Halloween. Ahh, that was a good Halloween, wasn’t it, Jules? "I'm NOT Bat-girl! I'm Cat-woman! Get it RIGHT!"

So I am enjoying all the costume-ness through Facebook this year.



I saw something I liked and thought I’d mention it: I went to the bank yesterday and they were all in the Halloween spirit! Well, I mean that they were decked out at least. I’m guessing the theme was “the NFL.” They were wearing NFL jerseys of different teams, some with eye-black on, some wearing NFL team caps, etc. One was in referee stripes- I wonder if she was the boss or if her personality is neutral or…. Their leisure screen was tuned to ESPN- which I enjoy generally- instead of the bank’s ads. And they are mostly if not all female employees.

I also had to go to another bank and they had candy bowls at the teller stations. No costumes. No other decorations.

I just thought it was great to see a bank get with the spirit of the day! I’m sorry that I didn’t get a photo as I normally would, but you understand- I didn’t think it wise to take a camara out inside the bank and photo it.



Also, I really enjoyed DWTS last night. Another reason I enjoy the show is the wonderful HW band for live music, the fantastic costuming, and the unbelievable set designs! And of course they went all out for Halloween! I would love to work on that show- most likely with set design.

Anyways, I might take too long on that and I want to get moving this time.

If you get to YouTubing one of the dances, I would suggest Rob Kardashian’s tango to “The Addam’s Family” theme song, Ricki Lake’s paso doble, or Team Paso’s paso to “Bring Me to Life.” Sometimes I am simply amazed with how the pros choreograph certain dances they get to the songs they get. THAT is a GIFT!

The Paso Doble is one of my favorite dances that the show features. It’s strong, powerful, aggressive, it’s got controlled passion, …. And Ricki Lake got the high scores of the night to the paso choreographed by her partner Derek Hough. It was a delight!

Rob looked great and strong in the tango. The dance was a treat- such a rather somber and controlled dance to a kooky, well-recognized Halloween favorite of a song! The tone of the dance was wonderfully blended with the character of the song.

And I greatly like “Bring Me…” Hey, it’s the main ringer on my phone! Haha- the ringer starts at the “Wake me up!” part of the song. But also, the team danced the paso well!



Finally, among the FB posts, I really enjoyed one from my friend David. The photo has him in a banana suit, carrying his happy happy child in monkey outfit. The caption says, “When you have kids, its all about them. I’m just an accessory now. Happy Halloween”. Aww David, we still love you as well! [I’d show the pic if I could but didn’t get around to asking permission first].


Thank you for reading! If you’d like, share a Halloween moment in the comments below- I’d enjoy it! I'll read them while I stuff my face with chocolates...

“Neeeeeext………!”

Peeping On Polar Bears

I have a friend who referred to himself as a polar bear because he always has the AC on HIGH; I have been calling him “Polar Bear” ever since.

And this is NOT about him at all, okay! I have NOT been peeping on people!

I thought I’d share this because I don’t get enough genuine surprise and laughter in my days, well, I barely get any at all. How sad is that?

I’m taking a grad course this semester. It’s a little informal at times. We meet in a conference room and sit around several tables put together. Out of about 12 of us, only 2 of us are locals and the rest come from the mainland US, one from Palau, Sweden, and such. Half are usually on their laptop computers, taking notes and what-not. [What-not = Facebook]

I was sitting in class this past week and the professor let us have a break late. I came back from break and start talking a little with Naomi next to me. She starts telling me about what she’s been doing on her laptop during class that day. She can barely get through it ‘cuz she’s laughing as she talks. She turns her screen to me…. and it’s a polar bear cam!

She found this site where I guess scientists are tracking the migration or something. We can watch the polar bear [I only saw one on the vid at the time] 24/7. It looked like ground covered with pieces of bark or something in the middle of a field, it was brown. And a white puffy thing in a little burrow. She said it’s the cutest thing and every so often it will put its head up, look around and then go back to sleep!

I tried to see what the website was but then the prof started up class again.

But I thought that was so funny! Of all the things, I thought Naomi was going to show me something maybe her friend posted on Facebook [the guy next to me was on Facebook during class]- NOPE! It’s a sleeping polar bear!

And I still can’t find the website… Hmmm… maybe I’ll ask her next time. I don't know why but I'm fascinated by whatever makes someone light up like that- Naomi was so happy with the polar bear!

Thank you to Naomi for making me laugh! [And that polar bear was cute!]

And We’re Dancing

Hey, some people keep up with soap operas or reality TV shows, I like competitions. And I wish I could dance. At all. Just like I don’t know how to play Chopsticks on the piano, I can’t even do the Cabbage Patch or Running Man in dancing; it’s mostly because I haven’t really been taught or have tried all three of those. I probably could figure out the Macarena on my own but that song just annoys me.


It’s the 13th season of Dancing with the Stars. The season is already heading into it’s fourth week- the first contestants to be voted off were [in order] Metta World Peace [NBA player Ron Artest], Elisabetta Canalis and Kristin Cavallari. The remaining competitors are David Arquette, Chaz Bono, Nancy Grace, Rob Kardashian, Carson Kressley, Ricki Lake, J.R. Martinez, Chynna Phillips, and Hope Solo.

If you don’t know who some… or most… of these people are, that’s okay, me too.

I haven’t watched every single episode of every single season, but I’ve watched enough that I start watching with a critical eye… you know, where I start thinking that I could actually judge dances well. Don’t laugh at me, I know you do it too!

No, I actually don’t know that you do that also but I suspect you do with whatever you’re interested in.

Oh! They’re not allowed lifts in that dance! He needs to keep his shoulders down and keep his frame strong. Oh, she had good leg action in that one!

Anyways, was I writing about the show? Here it is. I’m not all that invested as a fan of any particular cast member this season but my pick is going to be Hope Solo. Why? Umm… for reasons in which you will only find “Jennifer logic.” I don’t necessarily go for top dogs or underdogs but I tend towards people who are totally out of their element and with an attitude of “I don’t know how but I’m going to do this,” an attitude of overcoming the circumstance.

Hope Solo is the starting goalkeeper for the United States women’s national soccer team; one can read more about her here http://www.ussoccer.com/Teams/WNT/S/Hope-Solo.aspx. Hope is out of her element in dancing in that she’s having to bring out more femininity and gracefulness and performance acting in this different kind of competition. There’s just not much about diving on a soccer ball or jumping up and blocking with your body that is graceful. Goalkeeping and dancing are different skills, movements, instincts, etc. There’s a difference between being a part of a team, like for soccer with several others, and being a partner, with one other person and having to be a bit balanced in it.

And there is something about all of that, of Hope being in a dance competition, to which I can relate.

And I wish I had a tenth of the ab muscle or shoulder strength that she has.

And I’d like to have her partner Maksim teach me how to dance. If he were to be my teacher, I’m sure I can get the steps right!



Other things of some note: I’m getting to like Carson Kressley- it’s not that I didn’t like him before and I don’t know him personally, but I just don’t know what to make of flamboyant personalities, male or female- and being that I have very little fashion sense, I don’t know why a guy having more fashion sense than I do should bother me! Aside from that, I thought he improved greatly between week 1 and week 2. The judges pointed out that Carson had put in the most rehearsal time and worked hard; I love that kind of go-for-it attitude. I hope he does well. I enjoyed his week 3 tango.

I can relate to Rob Kardashian being shy and putting himself out into the spotlight for once. I kind of think of my brother as the superstar and my parents could’ve stopped there- I’m the token female child- I KNOW it’s not the truth and that our parent love us both equally, really they do- that’s just how I feel. It seems Rob is starting to get into how dance can help bring him out and shine. I think he’ll do well- and I mostly watch DWTS for his professional partner Cheryl- she’s one of my faves of the female pros.

And there’s Ricki Lake. Her pro partner Derek is one of my faves male pro dancers. People think Ricki is the one to beat and I see why they think so. Besides her seemingly natural ability to perform and a charismatic personality, I like the fact that her outfit for the jive was… I’ll say it this way- usually big female competitors have a full-covered outfit, especially around the middle. Ricki looked confident in a pink frilly short-skirt thing with her torso part a nude-colored sparkly material, like it would be if she were a thinner dancer. I like it!

And there’s Nancy Grace’s pro partner Tristan. I just wanted to mention that he’s Irish, accent and all, and I enjoy hearing him speak.



Any Monday night that I am able to, I’ll be indulging the dancing child within me by watching Dancing with the Stars. Trust me, it’s safer this way; a friend once tried to twirl and dip me at a club- I became unbalanced and almost socked him in the jaw on the way. Very graceful….

Thank you for reading and get out those dancing shoes!

How A Young Man Made A Grown Woman Cry

Okay, so the words “grown” and “woman” in the post title are relative. I still have difficulty thinking of myself in those terms. When did that move from “girl” to “woman” happen? Was I there?



I had been away from the church for 5 months when I received a message from the young man. “Hi Jennifer, long time no see! I miss seeing you around Church! Where are you buddy?”

I finally gathered up enough courage and words to respond to him last month. “I apologize for not being such a good friend by this long and silent absence. I miss seeing your genuinely friendly face as well!”

His quick response was that I didn’t need to apologize for anything, he’ll be praying for me, and he knows that I “will continue to live [my] life for Christ!”



How can someone have such faith in me? Or better yet, have so much faith that God is mighty enough and loving enough to draw me back?

THAT makes me cry?!

Oh yeah, each and every time I read that message. It’s far from the dark cynicism I usually meet. Among other things, it’s refreshing.

I got to know the young man from volunteering with the youth department and it had been a privilege to watch him grow his love for Jesus.

One can imagine I had more thoughts to go in this entry? Hmm…

Thank you for reading.

Flying Cats and Fines

I have been on a leave of absence from the U. Yesterday I had an advising meeting to see if I could come back this semester.

Knowing it would be a bear to find parking near the school, and being that my leg is still weak, Mom dropped me off at campus. I had about an hour to the appointment so I dropped off some [late] books to the library.

Then I went to wait the rest of the time at this inner courtyard of the building next to the SoA.

Out of the building doors came 5 Japanese students- 4 ladies and a guy. They had a box with them. In the box was some kind of game called “Cat-a-pult.” I’ve been trying to find this game online somewhere to find out what it is and maybe consider why Japanese students would be given it as an assignment, because this wasn’t the first time I have seen a group of Japanese students come out of that building with a Cat-a-pult box.

Anyways, I found a lot of links about catapults, that monster arm-like assistant to castle-storming and other age old fun pastimes. This is the only link I found to the specific game I am talking about; it’s a NY Times patent review of the game written in 2003, mentioning how difficult it is to describe this game.

Well, allow me to try.

From what I could tell, there are five catapult-like launching apparatuses. Instead of a bowl in which to place the ammunition, there is a… pedestal onto which fits a rubber cat figure. The front side of the catapult has a platform.

Nevermind, I found a video! Isn’t YouTube fantastic?



“Yay…” “Incredible!” “Slooooww motion.”

Laugh out loud!

Well, one of the Japanese girls caught me watching them try to figure out the game. She alerted the rest of the group to the surveillance and they waved at me! Please don’t tell my ninja group, they might disown me. All of a sudden I felt like a creeper amateur spy trying to use a book to hide the observing.

I waved back. I think they gestured an invite but I declined. It was enough to watch the cats flying through the air.
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I went to the advising appointment. It went well I think. I am a week behind everyone and still have to find a course that I can jump into and have it go towards the thesis. Easy piece, right? Sigh.

The SoA has a great Graduate Advisor at the moment. I mentioned having to pay off a library fine before I will be allowed to register and she had good info about how the fine should be reduced since I’ve returned the books.

So after the advising, I went to take care of that fine at the library. The lady at the office was very helpful and friendly through the matter as I had her check that the returned books were logged in, asked questions about how this might affect the fines, and apologized for all the hassle of helping me with my problem. The fine was reduced greatly and I had enough on hand to pay for the remaining total- thank God! It was a great load off of my nerves to be able to take care of that right away.

[Aside: if I find a book in the store that I want AND I can afford to buy it then, I buy it. I figure in my case, it’s cheaper than buying a wing of the library that will never be named after me.]

Next I went to another building where I thought the physical IT help desk was located. It wasn’t. So I stopped in at another office where the student worker helped me figure out where I needed to go. Turns out, I needed to go back to the library where I had just been! I went back and got that part taken care of also, which was that of having trouble accessing my U tools online. The student worker at the computer lab was able to help me out. It took no more than five minutes- thank God again!
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Later on, I headed on to the bus towards home.

Across the aisle sat one man, another man was seated in front of me facing the center. A woman sat next to the man across. The bus wasn’t crowded. After a couple stops, the woman moved to sit next to me. I thought maybe she’s like me, more comfortable sitting with another female and maybe she hadn’t seen me earlier when she first sat down.

As the bus approached a station, the guy across started… giggling (?) to himself. The man in front looked at him, then looked at us. I thought I might be hearing wrong as I had my iPod on, which I never have the volume very loud either. I turned it down and yup, the guy was laughing with himself.

He got off the bus at the station. The guy in front turned to us and motioned his hand towards his mouth, saying, “Smoking.” I’m thinking he meant that the giggler was probably on ice. Well, at least he kept to himself…?

Sigh.

Anyways, the bus ride was uncomfortable for my leg. If I sit up, my foot doesn’t reach the floor flat. If I make my foot flat on the floor, the slouching makes my back ache. I figure it’s better to keep my back okay- sorry leg.
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When I got home, I was physically exhausted. It felt good! Well, except for my leg. I think it went to sleep before the rest of me did. Getting closer to getting back into the gym!

Thank you for reading.

My Sidekick

My favorite kitty is SEVEN years old!

Okay, well her birthday is actually sometime in June… I think… I know, I’m terrible with dates.

So, on a Sunday in 2004, Mom and I went to the Hawaiian Humane Society after church. Bad decision.

We went to the cathouse, my favorite area. Second bad decision.

I played with the kittens. Guess what? Third strike.

Charis came home with us.

We already had a cat, whom we had taken in when the owner, a friend of a friend, moved and couldn’t take Sweet Pea with her. I wasn’t supposed to bring any more four-legged animals home [I can always bring home fish- I’m partial to fighting fish].

Dad gave us the silent treatment for a day or so. Sorry Mom. It was completely my fault.

But Dad’s a softee so he warmed up to Charis quickly.

Charis has a very pungent scent when she gasses, which she used to do more often when she was new and thank goodness, not so much these days! [Because I’m sure you all wanted to know that part]. She paws the food bowl until something drops out and then eats it off the floor. She paws the water bowl also, as if she’s not sure there really is water there. When I have food to share, I ask her to “sit nicely, please” and she will sit down and wait for her little bit; otherwise she will beg and stare and try to get to the food herself.

The other year, Charis watched Eight Below with me. It was the first time seeing it for me. When the dogs chased the birds for food, Charis jumped onto my desk and followed the birds closely!

Anyways, what made me think of writing this are two pictures taken exactly 7 years apart.

This is Charis two days after we brought her home.



She fit in one hand and the mouse pad became a kitten pad. Look how her ears and paws are waiting for the rest of her to catch up!

Here she is 7 years later.



Doesn’t fit the mouse pad anymore but very often wants to be by my side. If she can’t get on my lap or on the chair with me, she will sit on the stool next to me. Sometimes, when the desk has a clear space, she will lie down there, still watching what I’m doing.

I had picked her out from among the other kitties at the Humane Society because of how the black markings of her face looks like a pulse indicator between her eyes- do you see it? It bottom part of the black goes across her cheek, then dips down and drives up high on her nose, then dips down above her left eye.... I thought it was an interesting look. And when I was very young I thought calicos looked pretty.

If she wasn’t such a scaredy-cat, I’d take her everywhere with me!

And I still love going to the HHS Cathouse, though it will be a long while before any kitties may come home with me again. If you are able to, please volunteer some time, adopt a pet, or make a donation to the Hawaiian Humane Society or the HS in your area so that these little ones and big ones can find care and a good home?

Thank you for reading.

Now Cooking: String Beans

Is that one of my most boring titles ever? I think it might be. A post on string beans?! Yes.


I was at Daiei- oops, I meant to say Don Quixote the other day with Dad. While he picked up some treats for the doggie, I picked up some mushrooms. Next to the mushrooms were string beans. *Shrugged shoulders* why not? So I picked up a bag.

I’ve been looking to add more good stuff to my diet and my cooking “endeavors.” I thought of the string beans because I liked the Spring Bean Tempura from Genki Sushi.

Q1: Are “string beans” and “spring beans” the same thing?

Anyways, umm…. I don’t make sushi.

Neither do I know what to do with string beans.

But so what?

I looked up string bean recipes on the internet. I tend to think that searching recipes online is scary. What if I don’t have all the other ingredients? Should I go out and get the specified ingredients so that I can follow the recipe exactly? What if I don’t have the right cooking pots/ pans/ utensils? What if there’s a term or technique I don’t understand?

I don’t balk easily in the face of fear. Well, at least not when it comes to food.

On the first search page, I found a “Fail Proof String Bean Recipe.” As I read it, I felt more relieved. I didn’t have all the ingredients. I don’t care for diced tomatoes, for which the recipe specifies.

Yet many of the ingredients were the same as the spinach mushroom salad I already make quite frequently and it sounded easy to cook the beans.

I prepped the mushrooms and beans, then sautéed them together with garlic and a little bit of butter. Next came a little olive oil and tossing in the spinach. Once the spinach cooked down, it was ready [if you’d like more detailed steps, let me know- got it from a health show].

The s.b. recipe called for a squeeze of lime. I have no lime. I do have lemon juice that works well in the healthy fried chicken that I make so I splashed just a little over the spinach and stirred it in.



Verdict: the string beans were a great addition to the salad. They added a little complimenting flavor as well as provided something to pierce my fork into and pick up more salad with each bite- the mushrooms alone don’t really do the job for getting cooked spinach on the fork.

The lemon juice- skip it. Maybe it does need to be a lime. Or maybe it’s supposed to compliment the cooked wine that I didn’t use this time.

Here are the pics. Bon appétit.








Thank you for reading.

In My Dreams, I Am a Fish

Okay, not an actual fish with gills, bubble eyes and a tail, but fish as in swimmer.

When I was very young, I loved going to the beach with my family. With my arms around his neck, Dad would go out to where he could stand with the water up to his chest. Next, he would hold my hands and pull me up to stand on his shoulders. Still holding Dad’s hands, I would bend my knees and… JUMP! However far I landed in the water with a splash, I would turn around and swim back to him. We did this over and over. It was my favorite game!

Later in life, when I got to Second College, I decided to mix in a little physical education with the required courses. Swim class was at 7:45 AM but it was the most appealing to me. I was a decent swimmer yet through this course, I learned more and better techniques and to challenge myself.

Ever since the swim course in college, I have often been swimming in my dreams.
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Today, I turned on the TV [I hardly watch the TV- I tend to watch shows over the internet nowadays]. Browsing through the programming schedule, I saw that some swimming thing was to show; it was the 2011 ConocoPhillips USA Swimming National Championships. Great! It was almost the top of the hour.

So I watched [it was a re-airing; the Nationals were from Aug. 2nd to the 6th]. The first meet I saw was the Women’s 100 Meter Freestyle event. The commentators featured a young Missy Franklin. If I remember correctly, they said she was 16 years old and had just gotten her driver’s license.

The interviewer asked something like, “Were you born to be an Olympian?” Franklin responded, with a little laugh from a huge smile, “I think I was born to do what I love to do… and that’s what I’m doing” [May not be an exact word-for-word quote, but you get the picture]. I thought that was a great answer from a 16 year old National contender.

Franklin came in first in the event with a time of 53.63 seconds.

My fastest 50 M was around the minute-20 seconds mark. I mean, that was my FASTEST. We had timed trials and our instructor kept a record, pushing/training us towards shaving off another 10 seconds off our time.

In comparison, Franklin can do a 50 M in under 27 seconds.

That’s why Franklin’s a National Champion and I’m not? Don’t I know it!
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Before taking the college swim course, I don’t know if I dreamed about being in the water so much if at all. If I did, I’m sure my swimming has changed.

If I’m not in the water yet, I can’t wait to be. When I’m in the water, I warm up a little. Then I’m swimming- stroke, stroke, stroke… take a timely breath… get into rhythm… stroke, stroke, stroke, breath… stroke, stroke, stroke, breath…

Pool or ocean. Stroke, stroke, breath…

Keep my head down. Stroke, stroke, breath… Even out the rotation. Stroke, stroke, breath… Reach my arm out to stroke, stroke, breath… Extend my toes out and kick while I stroke, stroke, breath…

Ahhhh….

You get the idea.

In one swim dream, I waited for a practice to be over and for people to leave. Then I was in the pool and stroke, stroke, breath… Someone was standing on the deck, watching me. My friend and fellow swimmer commented to another person, saying, “See how she favors her right side? She’s not fully rotating on her left.” Stroke, stroke, breath… Oh how he knows me so well… *warm fuzzy*… okay, back to business… even out the rotation… Stroke, stroke, breath…
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That’s exactly what my swim instructor told me, that I don’t rotate all the way on the left side. And that’s the rhythm I chose as most comfortable to me. Some people like breathing only on one side but I like to even it out and breathe on both sides so I’m actually breathing while on every third stroke. Did I just confuse you?

It’s getting late. In the style of Edward Bloom in Big Fish, I’m drying out. Where’s my bed…?

Thank you for reading and please learn to swim safely!



P.S. By the way, those are guys in the photo, so no, I am not topless when I swim-sleep. Also, I enjoy swimming in real life as well- help me find a swim partner?

A Postscript to a Post

First, the way that my entries post is that the newest one posted is on top. So if I post two entries on the same day, the one I post secondly that day will appear first on the homepage.

Second, I ought to have posted two entries today, this one and the one below. So I wrote this entry after another one and to be paired with that one, but I posted the two in the order in which I wrote them [are you totally confused yet?]. I was wondering if I should post them so that they will be read in the order in which I wrote them. I decided to purposely post them on the same day and in the order in which I wrote them so that they will read out of order if you have just clicked to the homepage and not to individual post links like one might get by RSS feed.



So, here is the Postscript.
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To anyone whom might read this,

If you have read the previous entry and are now reading this one, thank you.

If you have not read the previous entry and are now reading this one, it might be better if you continue reading this one first.

I don’t know what your reaction might be to the previous entry. If I had come across something like it- and I think I have, just in differing situations- I would think…

No, allow me be more direct.

I sat for a long time on writing any response to the person’s message to me. I thought every so often about whether or not I cared enough to respond in any way or if I did respond, whether or not I would want the person to actually read it.

I also sat on it because I was very hurt by someone in mostly little actions that have piled up into one big… silence and non-presence on my part. So the person might not think so, but I believe that I’ve tried many times before to deal with the individual little hurts as soon as it became apparent that something needed attention. I haven’t been able to in this circumstance and so I found myself wanting to bring up every little thing until that person gives any kind of answer to any one of them because the person hasn’t.

I know that I intended calmness, even when I was angry going into a meeting with this person. I know that in such circumstances, I tend to move in a cold, business-like manner. Yet with this person, I found myself unable to maintain such a manner and so I was in a shouting match. As soon as I catch myself in a shouting match, I shut down. I try to hear everything another person is saying but if I sense that I am not being heard, I stop talking.

And like I have said in the response, I’m not advocating for rampant offensiveness. My initial gut response was most likely more offensive than the posted response.

Indeed, I did write a response, not right away to the message, but about a couple weeks before this posting. I often have difficulty sleeping and one night my wandering thoughts brought me to this person. I got so angry! So I got out of bed and started writing something. I wanted to list all the things I was still hurting over, all the things for which I feel the person has not adequately responded.

The thing is, many of those things I had thought I had given up to God and forgiven the person. I suppose part of the reason why those offenses still bother me is because I never told the person that I had forgiven. I had a chance to, I had the intention to, a specific moment when I could have… and backed down from doing so.

I’ve asked myself why I backed down. I heard somewhere that forgiveness is a gift one gives to oneself. Not forgiving is like drinking poison while expecting the other person to die.

Anyways, the response you did read, while I wrote it I began to soften, to allow the anger to melt into sadness for a botched friendship. I suppose it’s what people call “catharsis.” If nothing comes out of this, I know that I am going to be okay. If something comes out of this, like a renovated friendship, great. I’m not sure which outcome I should wish for more.

I also toyed with trying to write something like this but in a not-so-direct manner. I found it difficult to do so.

I dwell much on the quote shared in the response: Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. I see it in so many situations. I try to catch the word/action disconnect in myself whenever possible.

One example that I’ve been working on but struggling with is to love my parents better. I have come to believe that obedience is love. I’ve written earlier this year that I am a strong-willed child, so one can imagine how tough obedience is coming to someone who has practiced the opposite for decades. But I love my parents, I really do. I have two good parents and I know how blessed I am to have them. Yet I am constantly catching myself behaving as if I don’t love them.

Okay, I think I’m starting to ramble.

Short path: I was hurt by someone and angry with the person. I am trying to forgive the person. I think one could read the softening of my anger between the lines of the response as it went on. Main point- if you care about someone, do what you can to let them know that you do. How many times? As often as possible.

I think that main point is applicable to anyone, and so I went ahead and posted the response. I’ll probably come back to that point often in future posts. It’s a huge motivation for myself. It has motivated me more so in recent times to do more things that I don’t want to do if it might help someone sense my care of them.

Anyways, I’m just… shaking my head about a great many things, one of the reasons why I feel so displaced. What’s it all for, God? I used to have the vision but for the first time in my life the word “impossible” is starting to creep in….

Sigh. Well, thank you for reading.

A Note to Somebody

Dear “Friend,”

You recently sent a message and here is the reply: I wonder if we were ever truly friends in the first place and so it might be best that you and I part ways. Entirely.

You’d like more explanation? I will try.

You and I must have very different ideas about what it means to be a friend or to call someone “friend.”

It’s not so much that we’ve had good times and we’ve had tough times. It’s that you and I both handle such times differently in a way that doesn’t seem to keep you and me together. I don’t mean “together” like always together; I have some great friends that are elsewhere and we barely keep it touch yet we are still friends. I have some good friends whom I’ve never seen more than once a week at the most and yet we are still friends.

Plus, you and I have huge communication problems. Normally, I would not have posted this in such a semi-public place yet I’ve tried other ways. I don’t know what to do. And maybe someone else stumbling on this might learn something. I don’t know. I don’t seem to be able to get your attention adequately when we “talk” in-person. I don’t know that I want to be in-person with you.

Would you like me to point to something more specific? Something which might give you a better idea of a possible direction?

I could choose from a list of things from the past but let me start with your message. This is how I read it…

You said, “I know our relationship is strained.” Okay, you know. So what? You haven’t done anything about it so I don’t believe that you care. That’s fine. I know you have more important relationships to take care of. I can’t make anyone care about me. When you and I have been strained in the past, I didn’t know what to do but I made efforts. If this should occur between you and someone else and you don’t know what to do or what you’re doing isn’t working, get a clue. Ask someone. Best advice I can give, ask the very person with whom you are strained. Do something.

You said “I don’t want [our strained relationship] to come between you and [our friend].” Well, I’m sorry but it does. I’ve been trying not to let it either but relationships are messy. How would you like it if someone who hurt you started to date your best friend? And the thing is that I knew you could make a compatible couple a long time ago; if you had gotten together back then, things might have been better. Well, maybe and maybe not. Who knows? Add to that the way you handled it made me think that you don’t trust me and I guess you don’t. There are a lot of things I stopped trusting you with over time so I suppose we’re even.

And as nice as it was for you to pray for my leg, I have been to church once this year. Yes, that has to do with myself, but also if you were such a concerned friend, you should be praying for my spiritual healing. I could go to hell with a broken leg just as easily as I could go to heaven.

The other time when you said you were praying for my dad, my dad wasn’t concerning me as much as other things and so it’s nice that you prayed for him but it showed that you did not know for what I would’ve wanted prayed.

If you knew me as someone who used to be fervently seeking God’s will and striving to become ever more obedient to his will, it should make you sad/ concerned/ bewildered/ [something] that I no longer seem to be doing so.

You think that being polite and “respectful” is more important than the spiritual welfare of your friend? So you don’t say anything or do anything when that person doesn’t seem to want to talk about it? Well, your friend could drown spiritually.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “[9] Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. [10]For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”

It doesn’t really matter who you think is there for your friend. Maybe they are and maybe they aren’t. Maybe they’re helpful and maybe they’re not. If YOU care for someone, YOU show it. For all the negative things between your friends and I, for all the times I’ve said how on my own I feel or how far my friends are and the like, and that one time when you asked me if I had someone, a friend, and I had shrugged in answer because I had no answer…

With all the other times I felt like I was talking to no one while you sat next to me…


Love takes offense. Caring takes offense. True friendships take offense. Jesus was/is offensive to people. I’m not saying go around being intentionally offensive all the time. I’m not saying be a reputable jerk. I am advising to learn not to use offensiveness so sparingly. And learn to use offense wisely- something I am trying to learn.

I am certain that you are going to take offense to this note. Well, so what? Will it matter? I’ve tried in so many ways to tell you and show you that you mattered to me. If you didn’t understand that, if you didn’t receive it as that, well….

I admit, sometimes I’ve confused you in that caring. I was confused at times also so that tends to make me confusing. I am sorry and there’s nothing I can do to erase that. I don’t know if there is something to do to make up for the confusion I caused. Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore as you seem to have had a certain question answered for you. I still apologize because I should have known better than to be confused.

It’s not for lack of trying to receive your care. Years ago I’ve learned that I ought to look for signs of care in ways unconventional to my own or I might miss it entirely. And sometimes I ought to demonstrate my care for someone in the way in which they might best receive it, not in the way that I am best at giving it.

You have tried. I have tried. At this point, I don’t believe that you care. At this point, I’m tired of making a move. At this point, you might think that I don’t care.


And the saddest thing about all of this, I believe, is that a mutual love of God and his son Jesus alone should have been able to… I don’t exactly know what… help us sustain a friendship? If that mutual love had been true in you and I. You and/ or I got in the way.


And I’m not saying that it would be your fault if your friend drowned, but how much better would it be to be there for your friend either way, whether they do drown or not? There are too many things that none of us can control.


What this all comes down to at this point is… there is a quote that comes to my mind. I’m not sure who originated and I can’t find the source where I first came across it, but it goes, “Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”

You’ve said a lot of nice sounding things over the years that I don’t believe because of lack of action in this case. “We’re still friends…” “I’ll defer to your leadership…” “I apologize for gossiping about you…” I’m telling you directly now that your actions, from my point of view, have said otherwise.

A lot of these kinds of “lessons” are ones that I’ve picked up from others. I’m not saying anything that I haven’t learned myself or that I try to keep in my own mind. I’m not telling you anything that I am not echoing back to myself. I don’t think I am very wise.


You once asked me, “Where do we go from here?” My answer this time is, “Wherever you want to go, go.”


Signed,
“Friend”

Displaced

I feel like I am in an alternate universe, one in which this Jennifer did not originate. I don’t know when or how or why this switch took place. I hope the Jennifer of this universe is faring well in my original universe.

Maybe it’s just me.



I was looking up an old friend on facebook. The search came up with someone with my friend’s name, but no picture, no info to be shared, so I have no way of knowing if that is my friend or someone else with the same name.

I tried looking through a few of our mutual friends’ lists to see if he was there. I came up with nothing.

So I searched the “omniscient” Google. Mostly it brought up those public search sites, which make me wonder if a good old friend is searching for me… or if someone in their “left mind” will pop up someday. I am feeling both wistful and scared at the same time.

Google also brought up a newspaper name mention of him from our school days.

Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m looking for my old friend. I think some kind of representation of him was in my dream last night. I often have pieces of school show up in my dreams but that is another matter for psychoanalysis for another time.

I suppose I’m caught in a sentimental phase.



It’s frightening. I’m thinking of a scene in a TV show where a mother is talking to her daughter about popularity, peer pressure and the likes. She tells her daughter, “You don’t want to peak in high school. Trust me.”

I guess I’m wondering if I peaked in high school. Not that I was popular or gave in to peer pressure because I wasn’t and I rarely did/do. Sometimes I feel like that was the last period of my life when I would go around and things made sense. Or when people didn’t necessarily understand me in order to let me hang around them. I was odd and people liked that I was odd. Or didn’t like that I was odd and I didn’t care.

Or it was just a time when I had to hang out for 20 hours a week with people not like me. I loved it. I learned from them, maybe they learned from me. I know I was a better person for it.

Things don’t feel like that today. Or it’s that I met a group that is REALLY NOT like that.



So, back to my old friend. No, he’s not a former boyfriend- that’s not why I was looking him up and I didn’t date in high school. I can’t exactly put my finger on why him.

Maybe it’s because I sense that we were very similar.

I’m having a difficult time picturing him as a full-fledged adult. I’m having a difficult time picturing myself as one as well. I’m having a difficult time of life in general. I’m hoping that he’s faring better. I’m wondering what he would tell me if I told him about the issues that have been circling my brain lately. Or would he just make me laugh like he used to because he knew that was what I needed most?

If his non-existence on Facebook is any indication that he hasn’t really kept together with his high school friends, well, I haven’t either, even though I have a Facebook presence. I’m hoping he’s found a current group of friends that are truly caring of him.

I suppose I'd like to know how to survive this displacement. If he's survived... better, if he's thriving... then maybe I can too.



I sense that I was going somewhere with this but that I’ve probably lost it. I’ve always felt somewhat displaced, somewhat out of the ordinary. I suppose it’s hitting me in this way today.

I also looked up another friend with whom I am Facebook friends. Did I notice before that she’s married now or is this the first time I’m noticing? She is rarely on and also has no profile picture.

And I keep looking for another friend. The last I heard was that he was off for a Physical Therapy program on the mainland. I somewhat keep in touch with one of his good friends. The trouble with my leg keeps him on my mind- that and the fact that I don’t have money so any free and good advice a friend would give would be great! lol

Why are the people I’m looking for missing? Have they been displaced too?



I hope not. I hope you haven’t either.

Thank you for reading.

That’s Just Sick

What a couple of months I’ve been having. So there was the leg thing, which is still… taking some getting used to- it’s almost like my left leg has been exerting some strong-will of its own.

Now for the past week I have been sick. I mean SICK. I think it’s the flu. I feel sick often enough but this has been the most sick I’ve been in a long time… I think.

My throat started itching on Sunday night. Then the achiness, runny nose and cough began. I took an allergy remedy so the nose was taken care of right away and hasn’t reoccurred. I’ve coughed up very little phlegm yet. I haven’t been very hungry either.

The fever was full-blown by Tuesday. The fever broke late Thursday… only to try making a comeback on Friday. So Friday-Saturday-today, I slept A LOT.

There have been moments of feeling better only to feel worse again later.

Blech.



So, the leg… I still don’t have full range of motion back and I haven’t been working it much since being sick. Last night it ached more than it has in a while- I don’t know if that has to do with being sick.

I still think my left foot looks freaky, like it’s not my own foot but a transplant somehow. I kind of think my whole leg looks different but I can only really see my foot clearly. It’s a slightly different color than the right one, a little darker. The arch is flatter than it used to be.

Sensations through my leg are… interesting. When I stretch out on my bed, the left leg pulls up instead of pushing straight out. And it tingles, like a series of tiny shocks communicating with each other- “she said to straighten out but let’s pull tighter anyway.”

I used to sit with my left leg up or under me- maybe that attributed to it being susceptible to nerve damage? Now it feels better to sit with my knee bent 90 degrees and foot flat to the ground.

It’s still uncomfortable to sleep on my left side. I did once recently, but I think it was because I was so sick and tired that I didn’t think about my leg much.

I think I have some muscle atrophy… or it’s just that the nerve damage changed the strength and feel of my muscles; I really don’t know what’s going on.



However, I am walking. It’s not my driving leg which is good. I was going to try going back to the elliptical at the gym to see how it does but I’ll have to wait until I’m definitely not sick anymore- don’t want to spread that around!

All this motivates me more to lose weight and gain more muscle. And clean my room more.

Also, since I had a lot of quiet time, I’ve blazed through a bunch of books and movies. I’ve snooped some of my friends’ Facebook pages, especially the photos.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about change. I mean, it’s constantly on my mind anyway as no day is completely the same, no two experiences lived the same way, and I don’t like to stagnate. I think people look at me and expect me to always be like this- whatever it is they think of me. There is a sense that is and always will be me but I am not the same me I was 5 years ago, I am not the same me I was 10 years ago. I’ve been thinking about my next evolution- is there something I should definitely start moving towards?



Okay, I could ramble on. You’re lucky you’re not in my head!

Thank you for reading.

Leg Update [06.15.2011]

Ahh, okay. Got scolded by Apple for not having an update.

The previous entry had been written on Sunday but posted on Monday instead. It is now Wednesday as I type this, just to give you an idea of the timeline. It has been 3 days, not 2.

Yesterday, I moved around without a crutch at all. My leg wasn’t so shaky anymore.

Last night I was still concerned though. My foot looked strange to me, like flatter as well as fatter. It’s weird to look at one’s body part and wonder “Whose is that?!” I still couldn’t flex my ankle much or straighten my leg. My knee still has pain at times. My leg feels strange.

It was like my leg improved a little where I wasn’t sure if it had improved enough to NOT see the other doctor or if the pain hadn’t improved to where I should see the doctor. [I think I wrote that correctly…]

Today, it’s looking better. Monday, Dad had gotten Icy Hot for me; I’ve been using it pretty much on my whole leg and then wrapping it lightly with a towel. When I read up on nerve damage, it said that improving circulation in the area would help. I have more color in my foot. I still have pain. I’m still working on the range of motion. The muscle twitching persists.

The part I don’t know is how much of this is to be expected, how much of this will be permanent, etc.

And of course, now that I haven’t been able to walk much in the past weeks, I can’t wait to be back in the gym!


It’s also been interesting as I observe how my parents have been reacting. I think this has to be the worst injury I’ve ever had. I remember sprained ankles and skinned knees, even had a sprained thumb and finger or two, but no broken bones. I’ve never had a cast or surgery or anything like that. As much as I can, I try to hide from them the pain and discomfort of my leg.

So after just a few days from this injury, Mom was already grumbling when I asked her to bring me a cup of juice. That’s the way she responds when I’m physically hurt or have a cold. She’s much more compassionate when I’m otherwise having trouble so don’t get the wrong picture about Mom. If she wasn’t so tough on me at times, I wouldn’t get very far. The other night as I went back to my room, I heard her happily comment to Dad, “Must be getting better- no crutch!”

On the other side, Dad is… I’ll just say it, he’ll baby me. I’m aware that I’m his “little girl.” Mom doesn’t check in on me but Dad does and often. Dad will ask if I need anything and won’t complain about getting me juice… or Icy Hot… or granola. He’s the one to say that I should stay off my feet as much as possible still.

Mom will push me. Dad, not so much. But I am so glad that I get to have the balance of both.


I told my friend how I’m the only person I know who gets injured just by walking. Not hiking, not playing volleyball, not indoor climbing… just walking….

She said that it’s okay, just tell people it was ninjas! Hahaha!

Oh, and I shaved my legs last night- the first time since this started. It felt good.

So, thank you for reading. Thank you for your concerns. :)

Getting Up the Nerve

I have gotten the follow-up call from the doctor. He said he thought it might be something but after reading up on it, he doesn’t think it is that anymore- sounds like that is good news. If the condition doesn’t improve in a few days, then I am to go see the other doctor he recommends.

So I suppose that leaves me with possible nerve damage at this point. When I told Brother about the muscle twitches, he agreed with the doctor that it probably is nerve damage. I looked up articles on the topic and it is possible.

Well, my toes no longer look swollen. I can move them a little more today. I am trying to exercise my leg and increase the range of motion as I can stand to do so. It is difficult, it is frustrating, and it is tiring, bringing on more pain at times.

Then I think about how minor this is. My situation, compared to that which Joanne Heim is going through, is so minor. Joanne suffered a stroke. She is working hard to recover an entire side of her body. She is working to regain her speech clarity. For certain activities, she is relying on her support system so that as much as possible, nothing more happens to hinder the recovery process and she gets better. [Follow Joanne's journey here; it may also strengthen/ encourage your faith]

Where is my nerve?

Dealing with my leg is largely uncomfortable with pain only sometimes, and I have moments when I want to cry. Though unsteady on my left leg and still using a crutch, I can still walk. If I need help, I can easily shout out or call by phone to have Mom or Dad come for me. I can clearly express to them what I need. I can be left at home for hours without worry that something more might happen. The muscle twitching disturbs me some but it’s better than not having any sensation at all. Thank goodness, I have not fallen or banged my leg against anything.

Part of my frustration is in knowing that I am tougher than this.

I’ve said many times before that I am a strong-willed person. Being strong-willed comes with extra portions of nerve. At 2, I had the nerve to stay up long after Mom said to go to sleep. At 15, I took the wrong bus and walked through a rough neighborhood for an extra hour or more to the next bus stop and didn’t tell my parents why I was late. At 19, I gave a good talking to a 6’2/ ~180 pound guy who thought it was funny to mess with the backside hem of my friend’s skirt.

A little knee pain? Some discomfort? Where is my nerve?
____________________________

And the question goes to my faith journey at this moment as well. Where is my nerve to do what God has for me to do? I had the nerve to start something…. Well, that is a whole house to unpack… a lot more than what one entry could stand. I’ve already spent a good number of entries for some things which led me to the present condition with no improved outcomes as of yet.

So for now, focus on strengthening and training my once powerful leg [Read a previous tribute to my thighs here]. Monitor the swelling in my foot and toes. PUSH PAST THE EXHAUSTION AND PAIN. Do not injure my right leg with the extra-load carrying.

GET UP THE NERVE TO WORK MY NERVE AND RECOVER MY WALK.

My favorite verse which I still have yet to memorize where exactly it is:
“Praise be to the Lord,
To God our Savior,
Who daily bears our burdens.
Selah
~Psalm 68:19- NIV

Thank you for reading.

Walk Like A... Something.

Recently I had a frightening realization of how old I am becoming.

It had been storming earlier but the weather had calmed for a bit. I was on my way to lunch with a couple people when my left foot decided to go another way from the rest of my body. I had slipped on the wet sidewalk. My right hand grabbed something and was able to stop me from completely falling. Everything felt fine.

We went on to lunch.
____________________________

The next morning we were woken up unexpectedly. I got out of bed to look for where the noise was coming from. Then I went back to bed.

When I got out of bed the second time, I felt a kind of pop in my left knee. My knee felt strange for a few seconds and then the feeling subsided. The rest of the day I walked just fine. I felt some ache when we went swimming in the cool water but otherwise everything seemed fine again.

Later that night, I just kept off of my left leg as much as possible.

On Sunday, a lump had swelled just under my knee. Still no major pain.

Then the swelling spread out a bit in the general area. Still, no major pain and I could somewhat walk normally. I had some pain in my knee when I would turn a certain way at bed time so I just laid out on my back.
____________________________

By Monday night, I started to freak out more. I looked down at my foot and it had blown up like a balloon. I could barely wiggle my toes. My foot looked oddly fat and smooth. That’s when I went for Dad’s crutches.

I adjusted the crutches to my height and went to bed.

For the rest of the week, I stayed off of my foot as much as possible. I kept it raised. I had some pain sometimes in the afternoon and then again at night, but still nothing very tough. I slept a lot. I have muscle twitches from my foot to my hip. I looked up knee anatomy and injury- it might be a meniscal tear.
____________________________

More than a week later, I have gone to see the doctor. He tested the range of motion, sense of touch, blood circulation, and reflexes. Everything seems to be fine except for not being able to move my leg on my own and my leg muscles seem weak. Doctor said that he’s going to look up some conditions and call later this week and that I may have to see an orthopedic doctor. He thinks I might have nerve damage- is that very bad?

The least I am hoping for is no surgery necessary.

So, back to my frightening realization: I realize that if I had fallen all the way through the slip on the sidewalk, I could have come down hard and broken my hip. There it is. I am officially old.

And my toenails are THE LONGEST they have ever been. I normally keep my toenails clipped tight and more so after having the nails on both of my big toes badly bruised, fallen off, and grown back. Right now, it is just gross to me. Blech.

Here are some photos to gross you out… ermmm… I mean, to illustrate the injury.



That is the initial swelling under the knee. Then... look at those sausage toes! Nothing wrong if you've got them, just that I don't usually have them.

Accompanying status: "So...... if it walks like a duck but doesn't sound like a duck... it might just be me. Quack quack. Oops..."

Thank you for reading and hope you are walking well.

Getting Back In

I have a little notepad in which I write whatever. Little jots about what is on sale where or what am I need to pick up or names I want to remember. I write down ideas that come into my mind, thoughts for projects to do or posts to write. I write all kinds of things in it.

I was running out of pages in the notepad so for a few weeks now, I have been looking for a replacement- a new notebook for new ideas and new sale price notes. It is not a very life-important thing. In actuality I could use a post-it pad or a napkin. I could get any old notepad. But I choose to be particular about my notepads. I have to like it. I have to want to write in it. I have to want to carry it around with me.

Wednesday I entertained two notepads. One was a square little thing with an okay cover design and was on sale. The other was a little bigger and had graph lines; it was also on sale but would be $2 more. I finally decided on the bigger one.

And I am happy with my choice. It is a Piccadilly notebook, hardcover, smells and feels like real leather, has an enclosure band, a place mark ribbon and a pocket. I can keep coupons in the pocket and the enclosure band will help keep them from falling out- which means I will have my coupons with me ready to be used!

I can be happy about a notebook- is that not great? I think I might go back to the store and pick up a couple more for later because there were not many left as it is. If I miss out on more, oh well.



Getting into the main topic of this post- I have renewed my gym membership and have already gone 3 times this week!

I had to kick my butt on Monday because of a rough morning. I was upset-crying over a situation and then became so frustrated with myself that I said, “That’s it! You need to change something.” Well, I didn’t change the situation I was upset with but rather I walked out of the house and into the gym by noon. That is the process in my mind and in the style of Apple- it makes sense to me and that’s what matters.

I have missed seeing the gym in a few months. I got on the elliptical. I always input 60 minutes to the program in case I can get myself through an hour but at the least I will do half an hour. I did half an hour that day. 2 miles, over 200 calories by the machine’s count, and I was done. I wasn’t sure if my toe would be okay but it was fine. The toe hurt a little but wasn’t aggravated at all.

Tuesday night, I went again. I did the same thing- 2 miles, 200 calories. I’m starting to feel my powerful thigh muscles wake up. At this point, I’m not sure if they’re happy or grouchy at being brought out of hibernation.



And last night, I went very late at night. The parking lot had spaces to choose from and inside were not many people- how I prefer it. Again I set the elliptical to 60 minutes. At the 30 minute mark, I was feeling okay still. I put in my mind images of the contestants on The Biggest Loser running miles on the treadmill, running at inclines, running bursts of top speeds, pushing, striving, driving. I upped the resistance while I ran.

I don’t have any exercise playlists ready to go. I just have my ipod and put it to shuffle. I walk for a song, then run for a song, depending on how my body’s feeling and responding. In this manner, I got through all 60 minutes. 4.25 miles for about 425 calories. Not bad.

I usually finish and walk out but last night I was feeling glad for doing the whole 60 minutes that I stopped off in the locker room. I washed my hands, splashed a little water on my face and neck. They’ve remodeled the lockers and it looks good, put in a couple screens as well.

They used to have some kind of fancy scale before- I can’t say anything more about it because I never used it. I was glad to see a regular scale in the locker room now, the kind that the nurse at the doctor’s office uses. I hopped on. 153 pounds, 3 pounds more than I thought I was but that’s one of the things I came to the gym to change. That is 28 pounds above my comfortable weight.

Still feeling good, I let my hair down. I walked back into the main room and towards the main doors. I saw a couple people by the class schedule board so I diverted that way to see the board too. I wanted to see what was on the morning schedule for today.

I started back for the main door but the attendant caught my attention and beckoned me to the desk. For a moment I thought, “Is something wrong with my membership...?” He took a paper from the page holder and handed it to me. He noticed that I had looked at the board so he gave me a printout of the class schedule.

How nice of him! I mean, it’s part of his job, sure, but he was not slacking off and I appreciate that. He had been talking to someone at the other end of the counter, I don’t know if they were another member or a friend or both, but the attendant took note of me in another area and helped me out with the printout. Cool.

So I walked out the main door, looking at the schedule. I had to pass by the half-court where some guys were shooting around. I heard something, I didn’t know if it was towards me or not but I turned to look. I saw a guy smiling at me with his hand up like in greeting. I just smiled back as I kept walking.

I got home without major incident but having the guy smile at me makes me think it would be smart if I could find a friend to go to the gym with me. In the least, I should add more to my skill and knowledge of self-defense techniques.

And it’s not that I’m suspicious of guys or strangers really. I do this thing where I walk around on my own with the mindset that I’m going to be okay; this is the thing that had me walking around Oakland by myself many times. No one can really bother or mess with me. No one is going to deter me from going where I need to go in order to do what I want to do. It’s just not going to happen.

It wasn’t the first time a guy has sought my attention and it probably won’t be the last so if I’m going to insist on going to the gym when I want to regardless of being with a friend or not, at whatever hour I want to, then it would be good to have some skills I could use just in case someone tries to force an incident with me.

These are the things that run around in my mind.



I didn’t go to a class this morning. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because of noises mostly.

I got out my brand new notebook and broke it in with my workout notes from this week so far! Yes, I’m bringing it back full-circle to the notebook!

At the store, there had been a couple notebooks that were ruled pages, not graph pages. I chose the graph pages because why not?

And now those graph lines are coming in handy because the workout numbers are now neatly lined up. I used to just scribble the numbers wherever there was space, in whatever order I could remember and such. In this new notebook, everything looks neat so far and easily read. It’s so good. I’ll still be using the notebook for any- and everything I need to take quick notes on but at least it looks like my notes will be clearer, maybe. We shall see.

I’m excited! At this moment I am thinking that with this new notebook to carry with me everywhere, I will be motivated to write down what I have eaten in a day. I can be a mindless eater, though lately I’ve been getting more into thinking about what I’m putting into my body- at least, more than I used to think about it. The oatmeal and finding out the approximation of calories in the spinach salad that I cook are part of this new mindful eating. Ugh- I got back into drinking sodas though- but I am also drinking more water. I will have to cut the sodas again.



So that’s it, just me heading back towards a healthier outlook. I get into these phases yet one of these days it’s going to be the lifestyle. *wink* I'm not so discouraged from falling out of something because each time that I get back in it, I'm determined to do it better than before!

Thank you for reading and drop a note if you have tips for me or something!

Tested Positive for Strong Will

Cynthia Tobias was on Focus on the Family today talking about the strong-willed child, coming from the experience of being the strong-willed child-and-now-adult. Very interesting talk so far- the second part of the talk will be aired tomorrow.

Even if you are not a parent blessed with raising one of these precious kids or you do not have kids at all, keep reading. This is very good stuff.


During her speech, Tobias gave a list of 12 traits. She then gave a loose assessment by how many times one said, “yes, that’s me!” to those traits. Here they are [SWC= strong-willed child]:

1. SWC almost never accepts words like “impossible” or phrases like “it can’t be done.”

2. SWC can move with lightning speed from being a warm, loving presence to being a cold, immovable force.

3. SWC may argue the point into the ground sometimes just to see how far into the ground the point will go.

4. SWC, when bored, has been known to create a crisis rather than have a day go by without incident.

5. SWC considers rules to be more like guidelines- as long as you’re abiding by the spirit of the law, why are you being so picky?

6. SWC shows great creativity and resourcefulness- seems to always find a way to accomplish the goal.

7. SWC can turn what seems to be the smallest issue into a grand crusade or a raging controversy.

8. SWC doesn’t do things just because you’re supposed to- has to matter personally.

9. SWC refuses to obey unconditionally- seems to always have a few terms of negotiation before complying.

10. SWC is not afraid to try the unknown- conquer the unfamiliar.

11. SWC can take what was meant to be the simplest request and interpret it as an offensive ultimatum.

12. SWC may not actually say the words to apologize but almost always makes things right.


Assessment:
0-3: very nice people- easy to get along with- has strong will but doesn’t use it much.
4-7: uses strong will when need to but not on a daily basis.
8-10: starting into troublemaker category.
11-12: these are the troublemakers- do not leave home without strong will – almost impossible not to use it.


I knew it- I scored an 11. It is confirmed; I am a troublemaker. Care to guess which one isn’t me?

My mom- bless her heart- can attest to my strong will. Well, both of my parents and my brother can attest to it but Mom certainly caught/catches the hard side of it. Our personalities clash very well and yet I believe that God gave me to the perfect mother to raise me up. Even in our clashing, there have been moments when Mom’s personality led her to do the exact thing I needed in order to be set in the right direction.

I remember being 8 years old, at the park across the street with Mom and Bro. I did not want to learn to ride a bike without training wheels and Mom refused to put the trainers back on. I refused to get on the bike. Finally, Mom had enough and walked back to the house, leaving Bro standing there with a crying stubborn little sis and a bike.

Bro had an opening to be my soft spot to land on and took it. He gave me a few moments to compose myself. Then he gently urged me back on the bike, held the seat until I found my balance, and I learned how to ride on my own power.

I probably would not be riding any bike at all today if Mom’s strong will had not kicked in at the ripe moment. I would say that Mom would probably score between a 5-8/8.5 on the earlier trait assessment scale. If she did not have a strong will of her own and used it often herself, on me, I would have thrown more tantrums [but she nipped that in the bud early on], I would have continually broken curfew [if she had given me one to break], I would be doing who-knows-what today.


Tobias said something significant, that I very much relate to, about SWCs and authority. She said that the SWC is not about rebellion. SWCs recognize authority; authority is not the problem. How that authority is communicated is where one will run into problems with the SWC.

Things might have been so much easier for Mom if she could have known this some 30 years ago. I completely agree with Tobias’ assessment because I respect that there is authority. I support there being someone or some agency in authority. How one works the position in authority is a different thing.

And another thing to pique one’s curiosity about Tobias’ speech is how she explains that the strong will is an asset, not a liability. Having a strong will is not a negative trait.

Even if you do not have children, if you are single, unless you are living on a farm somewhere with just your chickens and cows, you should listen to Tobias’ broadcast or read her book. It is not just about raising a child; it will be informational for you to have an idea of how the strong-willed employee/friend/ parent/ fill-in-the-blank thinks and what would be the best response or attitude towards the strong-willed person.

Well, if you would like to get somewhere with the strong-willed person that is. You are welcome to continue butting heads with them instead. Maybe you are a strong-willed person as well. Hmmm?

Thank you for reading and tune in to Focus on the Family’s broadcast of Cynthia Tobias.

In Another Reality

For the first time, I looked up the recorded music for the current season of American Idol because of how well James Durbin sings. I looked at the album of AI tops or whatever and listened to the samples. I recognized one of the songs as having been played on Air1 Radio, a Christian station. I had no idea that Kris Allen was an AI winner.


Moving on to… Dancing With the Stars… I should’ve written a little more along the way ‘cuz some of the excitement has gone down for me, since one of my faves has been voted off the show and recently so.

And that was… WWE star and musician Chris Jericho! I’d been excited to see him dance each week ever since he came out on week 2 with a huge improvement from week 1. Like a lot of other athletes who’ve come on to compete, Jericho looks stocky and stiff but he worked hard each week. He’s very entertaining and witty, talks quite fast yet he also took the chance to show his more private side and personality in Personal Story Week [3], dancing as Chris Irvin [Jericho is his stage name] a very tender Rumba in remembrance of his mother.

What I liked about Jericho, besides his good personality, is that he made no excuses for why he couldn’t learn to dance well. Most celebrities at some point, especially the athletes, will make an excuse about why they can’t get their shoulders back for proper posture or whatever. In the clips from his practices with his partner Cheryl Burke, Jericho is not complaining. What little frustration he’s shown has been towards himself. He just came prepared to work hard and did so.

And he was becoming quite a good dancer. I thoroughly enjoyed watching him in Week 5 American/ Patriotism Week dancing the Viennese Waltz to “America the Beautiful.” He finally got a score higher than 7 from head judge Len. He looked graceful and leading man dashingly strong on the floor. Sadly [for me at least], Jericho was eliminated in Week 6.

Check out Jericho’s Quickstep from week 2... [I don’t always understand the comments he makes, like the Viking one in this clip but he makes it sound like it should make sense! Lol]



Hines Ward [wide receiver for Pittsburgh Steelers] has also been enjoyable to watch. Like Jericho, he’s muscular and yet can still glide on the dance floor, and doesn’t give his partner Kym any excuse for why he can’t. He’s still in the competition so I guess I’d better start voting to keep him on! I’d like him to win but Romeo is also looking good and will be a tough competitor.

To see Ward’s fun samba from week 3:



Moving on to The Biggest Loser… This has been a pretty interesting season. They added two new trainers and held their identities secret for the first few weeks. They’ve competed as two teams, as pairs, as 4 teams, and for one week all players were as one team.

I really liked Courtney’s story- she lost weight BEFORE coming on the show and reached 100 pound total loss [both before and on the show] while on the ranch. Each week she would stand on the scale looking relaxed because it was about the hard work she put in rather than playing the game. Unfortunately her body started stalling the weight loss and she was sent home.

One of the most interesting things about this season for me has been the competitive and strong females. For a few weeks, the black team had been dominantly females and still won the weigh ins- in the seasons that I’ve watched, that hasn’t really happened like it did this season- against a male-dominated team.

Week 9 was Sarah’s week, in my opinion. The contestants had gone home for two weeks to diet and exercise of their own will. When they came back, they had an individual challenge of running a 5k- the order that they finished in would be the order in which they could choose their trainers- either Bob & Jillian or Brett & Cara. The end came down to Sarah and Arthur. Up until now, Sarah had been willing to sit in the back and let the competition happen to her rather than fight for what she wanted or having to make a choice. She was about to let Arthur finish ahead of her even though she could have finished a while ago- her teammates sensed it and coached her on to finish ahead of Arthur, meaning Arthur definitely wouldn’t have a choice of teams.

The time came to choose teams. One by one, it was no surprise- everyone was choosing the trainers they had started with in week 1. The teams were even… and then came Sarah’s choice. She had started the show with Brett & Cara. Surprisingly, she chose Bob & Jillian. And I think she had the best reason why- she decided for herself that it was time that she stepped out of her comfort zone. It would have been easy and comfortable for her to go with Brett & Cara. She chose the tough thing of going with the black team. Sarah was timid no more- she became a fighter and contender. I love seeing positive changes like that happen in people.

And still, though Sarah’s decision to stick up for something difficult but what she wanted ultimately sent Arthur home, Arthur who was the biggest contestant ever on TBL and had over 100 lbs more to lose, she didn’t regret her decision. Sure, she felt poorly for her decision’s part in making Arthur vulnerable to elimination, but she stood up for herself and didn’t look back. [Basically Arthur was sent home, even having lost 16 lbs that week, because he was the only former black team member now on the red team and he was 2 lbs shy of having immunity, so the red team voted for him to go home.]

Oh, and then the adventure weeks they had in New Zealand was amazing! I want to go rock-climbing and bridge jumping over there! Who’s with me?!

This past week had been Makeover week, always fun to watch. This season’s one was great ‘cuz we got to hear more from Tim Gunn about how honored he is to be a part of this week and he talked to each contestant individually. Also [SPOILER] …







They went through the weigh in like usual. There are 5 people left and two of them are sisters- at this point of the competition, it’s rare for a pair to both still be in it, and least likely when they’re both females but like I said, the ladies have been fighting hard this season. Olivia [of the sisters] was last to weigh in. It was between her and her sister Hannah to be below the yellow line and up for elimination with Jay. Also, Olivia was one pound away from losing a total of 100 on the ranch. She’s an opera singer and promised to sing when she loses that 100.

Well, Olivia lost a good 4 pounds that week. It sent her sister Hannah below the yellow line. And then… Tim Gunn appeared and the theme for makeover week had been A Fairy Tale, with Gunn granting them 3 presents- the makeover, having one of their family members visit, and… NO ELIMINATION!

So, fully-relieved Olivia sang and it was worth waiting to hear her!

My choices to win the season is Olivia, and if not her then Irene.
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That’s it, that’s my reality show wrap up. Let me say it’s wonderful yet distracting to be able to watch these shows online. I tend to forget what show is on which night and what time so for a while I was checking in online to find out I’d missed 2 episodes. Ah well, at least I used the show watching time to also clean up my room or whatever else instead of just sitting and watching and doing nothing else.

Summary- my picks for winners, and in order- James Durbin [American Idol]- Gary & Mallory or Flight Time & Big Easy Globetrotters [Amazing Race]- Hines Ward [Dancing with the Stars]- and Olivia or Irene [The Biggest Loser].

Okay bye.



*Shoot, Gary & Mallory came in third- they had a hiccup with getting a good cab. :/ The Globetrotters came in second.

Reality Bits

This has been a pretty interesting season of reality TV. Mind this- that I do not have a favorable opinion of “reality” TV in general. Even the of two shows I really enjoy- Dancing with the Stars and The Biggest Loser- I have not watched every season’s episode.

This season, I’ve been tracking the two mentioned, as well as The Amazing Race and American Idol.
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I’ll start with AI- I love music and I love singing but had a difficult time watching previous seasons because shortly I could not stand the kindergarten remarks from Ryan Seacrest to Simon Cowell. I thought Seacrest was a good radio DJ back when I listened to the radio while living in L.A. but as a show host, I’m not a fan at all. There’s a difference, subtle though it may be, between comments by Seacrest and those by Tom Bergeron as hosts.

I had no serious objections to Cowell’s critiques though I was interested in seeing how Jennifer Lopez and the fascinating Steven Tyler [I’m an Aerosmith fan] would do as judges. So I tuned in. I caught very few of the auditions and Hollywood week- they are still my least favorite part to watch- I’m just not very interested in weirdness-just-to-seek-some-kind-of-fame.

I started watching from the top 24. Surprisingly, the judges saved an odd number of 3 contestants to make a top 13 [rather than the usual top 12 I think?]. Then early on in the eliminations, they used their unanimous save to keep Casey on. And the United States have voted more to keep the guys, sending home Ashthon, Karen, [Casey would’ve gone home next and been the first male contestant to leave but was saved by the judges] Thia, Naima, and Pia home in a row [and yes, I had to look that up- I did not pay an attention that detailed]. And so Lauren and Haley have been the two females left in the competition with the guys- I have to say they are the best females to be remaining in my opinion.

Pia- great singer but in my opinion, she had the chance to show her range in personality [appeals to audience connecting with performer] and growing stage command and she didn’t do it. So great singer that she is, I was okay with her being voted off.

The reasons I’m still watching is for James and the two remaining females Lauren and Haley. Though Haley has sung more songs by artists I personally enjoy, I like Lauren a very slight bit more of the two, just very slight. I’m not much for country music but if Lauren makes an album and it’s country, I might buy it- there’s that special something in her voice that catches me and I like the fighting spunk she has when she comes out to perform though herself admitting to feeling inadequate compared to the talents of the others. I like Haley’s unique voice and the past few weeks, when her song selections were announced I thought, “yeah, that makes sense [with her voice and personality], good choice.”

Yet James is my top favorite and has been since the semifinals. I did catch his audition [though still didn’t watch any of H-week] and… I mean… he sang Aerosmith to Steven Tyler and did not mess it up one iota! Every week he’s delivered an outstanding performance so that his most recent singing of “Without You” having been flat for the first half and ended strong, full of passion, could be forgiven the imperfections and was still amazing. When he’s performed so far, I’ve thought I was watching an actual concert. I’m a sucker for rockers anyway but I can’t figure out what song James canNOT sing.
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Amazing Race: Unfinished Business- I watched the previous season only because YouTube great KevJumba ran the race with his dad. Also in that race was father/daughter Gary and Mallory. I enjoyed Gary and Mallory so much that I am watching this season because the pair made a return! I enjoy their interaction as father and daughter, I like seeing a father being good to his children, and Mallory’s outlook on life and her experiences is just uplifting. Every time Mallory hops on the mat at the pit stop, I can’t help but laugh and it seems show host Phil enjoys seeing her arrive as well. Besides, she wears a lot of yellow, my favorite color.

I have a difficult time watching when contestants are being rude to each other or to the local people of the places they race through. Though they had bickered with each other and gotten down on themselves here and there, I had been okay with the Kent and Vixen. I thought Vixen [For a while, I had a difficult time reading her name as she spells it so I’m spelling it as it sounds] was quite sweet.

Then came India- during a challenge, Kent offered that he and Gary help each other finish, saying that he won’t leave Gary behind… and then he did the opposite. As soon as Kent got his clue he ran off, and Gary was on his own to find the last part. To Gary’s credit, he did not get upset about it or hold a grudge- at least not by anything revealed on the show. Okay, forgive Kent because we’ve all been deceivers at one time or another.

I think it was the same episode, nearer to the end of the leg when Kent and Vixen THREW OUT AN INDIAN COUPLE FROM THEIR CAB SO THEY COULD GET IN and take the cab towards the finish. It wasn’t like they were fighting to get the cab- the local not-in-a-race couple were already seated and riding in the cab when the racing couple pushed them out in a very rude manner. After that, things added to my disliking of the couple.

I like the Globetrotters- I mean, who isn’t entertained by them? Recently I noticed that they are hard-working even while having fun and entertaining others. It’s not that I thought they were lazy, it was just a revelation of their work ethic- of course you can’t just mess around if you wanna be a Globetrotter! In India, they chose to deliver hay bales in the challenge. Next in Austria, they chose to deliver a psychoanalysis couch instead of the easier sounding detour. When next came Switzerland and the choice between finishing a pot of fondue and delivering luggage, I thought the Globetrotters would choose to deliver- and they did.

The finale is coming up this week [on Mother’s Day] and the four teams left are the Globetrotters, the sisters, Gary and Mallory, and best friends Zev and Justin. My personal favorites to win… well, it isn’t a secret in this entry… Gary and Mallory! They’ve helped others when they could, they’ve been respectful of the other teams, of each other, and of the local people, they’ve enjoyed and made the most of their experiences, taking note also of the cultural lessons around them, they’ve had good attitudes when facing frustrations…. Seeing them puts a smile on my face so why not hope that they win?
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Okay, I’m gonna post this already because another AI elimination night is about to air in half an hour. I guess I’ll write and post about Dancing and Loser later- hopefully tomorrow.

Go James Durbin!