Okay, so the words “grown” and “woman” in the post title are relative. I still have difficulty thinking of myself in those terms. When did that move from “girl” to “woman” happen? Was I there?
I had been away from the church for 5 months when I received a message from the young man. “Hi Jennifer, long time no see! I miss seeing you around Church! Where are you buddy?”
I finally gathered up enough courage and words to respond to him last month. “I apologize for not being such a good friend by this long and silent absence. I miss seeing your genuinely friendly face as well!”
His quick response was that I didn’t need to apologize for anything, he’ll be praying for me, and he knows that I “will continue to live [my] life for Christ!”
How can someone have such faith in me? Or better yet, have so much faith that God is mighty enough and loving enough to draw me back?
THAT makes me cry?!
Oh yeah, each and every time I read that message. It’s far from the dark cynicism I usually meet. Among other things, it’s refreshing.
I got to know the young man from volunteering with the youth department and it had been a privilege to watch him grow his love for Jesus.
One can imagine I had more thoughts to go in this entry? Hmm…
Thank you for reading.
Showing posts with label Breaking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Breaking. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A Postscript to a Post
First, the way that my entries post is that the newest one posted is on top. So if I post two entries on the same day, the one I post secondly that day will appear first on the homepage.
Second, I ought to have posted two entries today, this one and the one below. So I wrote this entry after another one and to be paired with that one, but I posted the two in the order in which I wrote them [are you totally confused yet?]. I was wondering if I should post them so that they will be read in the order in which I wrote them. I decided to purposely post them on the same day and in the order in which I wrote them so that they will read out of order if you have just clicked to the homepage and not to individual post links like one might get by RSS feed.
So, here is the Postscript.
____________________________
To anyone whom might read this,
If you have read the previous entry and are now reading this one, thank you.
If you have not read the previous entry and are now reading this one, it might be better if you continue reading this one first.
I don’t know what your reaction might be to the previous entry. If I had come across something like it- and I think I have, just in differing situations- I would think…
No, allow me be more direct.
I sat for a long time on writing any response to the person’s message to me. I thought every so often about whether or not I cared enough to respond in any way or if I did respond, whether or not I would want the person to actually read it.
I also sat on it because I was very hurt by someone in mostly little actions that have piled up into one big… silence and non-presence on my part. So the person might not think so, but I believe that I’ve tried many times before to deal with the individual little hurts as soon as it became apparent that something needed attention. I haven’t been able to in this circumstance and so I found myself wanting to bring up every little thing until that person gives any kind of answer to any one of them because the person hasn’t.
I know that I intended calmness, even when I was angry going into a meeting with this person. I know that in such circumstances, I tend to move in a cold, business-like manner. Yet with this person, I found myself unable to maintain such a manner and so I was in a shouting match. As soon as I catch myself in a shouting match, I shut down. I try to hear everything another person is saying but if I sense that I am not being heard, I stop talking.
And like I have said in the response, I’m not advocating for rampant offensiveness. My initial gut response was most likely more offensive than the posted response.
Indeed, I did write a response, not right away to the message, but about a couple weeks before this posting. I often have difficulty sleeping and one night my wandering thoughts brought me to this person. I got so angry! So I got out of bed and started writing something. I wanted to list all the things I was still hurting over, all the things for which I feel the person has not adequately responded.
The thing is, many of those things I had thought I had given up to God and forgiven the person. I suppose part of the reason why those offenses still bother me is because I never told the person that I had forgiven. I had a chance to, I had the intention to, a specific moment when I could have… and backed down from doing so.
I’ve asked myself why I backed down. I heard somewhere that forgiveness is a gift one gives to oneself. Not forgiving is like drinking poison while expecting the other person to die.
Anyways, the response you did read, while I wrote it I began to soften, to allow the anger to melt into sadness for a botched friendship. I suppose it’s what people call “catharsis.” If nothing comes out of this, I know that I am going to be okay. If something comes out of this, like a renovated friendship, great. I’m not sure which outcome I should wish for more.
I also toyed with trying to write something like this but in a not-so-direct manner. I found it difficult to do so.
I dwell much on the quote shared in the response: Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. I see it in so many situations. I try to catch the word/action disconnect in myself whenever possible.
One example that I’ve been working on but struggling with is to love my parents better. I have come to believe that obedience is love. I’ve written earlier this year that I am a strong-willed child, so one can imagine how tough obedience is coming to someone who has practiced the opposite for decades. But I love my parents, I really do. I have two good parents and I know how blessed I am to have them. Yet I am constantly catching myself behaving as if I don’t love them.
Okay, I think I’m starting to ramble.
Short path: I was hurt by someone and angry with the person. I am trying to forgive the person. I think one could read the softening of my anger between the lines of the response as it went on. Main point- if you care about someone, do what you can to let them know that you do. How many times? As often as possible.
I think that main point is applicable to anyone, and so I went ahead and posted the response. I’ll probably come back to that point often in future posts. It’s a huge motivation for myself. It has motivated me more so in recent times to do more things that I don’t want to do if it might help someone sense my care of them.
Anyways, I’m just… shaking my head about a great many things, one of the reasons why I feel so displaced. What’s it all for, God? I used to have the vision but for the first time in my life the word “impossible” is starting to creep in….
Sigh. Well, thank you for reading.
Second, I ought to have posted two entries today, this one and the one below. So I wrote this entry after another one and to be paired with that one, but I posted the two in the order in which I wrote them [are you totally confused yet?]. I was wondering if I should post them so that they will be read in the order in which I wrote them. I decided to purposely post them on the same day and in the order in which I wrote them so that they will read out of order if you have just clicked to the homepage and not to individual post links like one might get by RSS feed.
So, here is the Postscript.
____________________________
To anyone whom might read this,
If you have read the previous entry and are now reading this one, thank you.
If you have not read the previous entry and are now reading this one, it might be better if you continue reading this one first.
I don’t know what your reaction might be to the previous entry. If I had come across something like it- and I think I have, just in differing situations- I would think…
No, allow me be more direct.
I sat for a long time on writing any response to the person’s message to me. I thought every so often about whether or not I cared enough to respond in any way or if I did respond, whether or not I would want the person to actually read it.
I also sat on it because I was very hurt by someone in mostly little actions that have piled up into one big… silence and non-presence on my part. So the person might not think so, but I believe that I’ve tried many times before to deal with the individual little hurts as soon as it became apparent that something needed attention. I haven’t been able to in this circumstance and so I found myself wanting to bring up every little thing until that person gives any kind of answer to any one of them because the person hasn’t.
I know that I intended calmness, even when I was angry going into a meeting with this person. I know that in such circumstances, I tend to move in a cold, business-like manner. Yet with this person, I found myself unable to maintain such a manner and so I was in a shouting match. As soon as I catch myself in a shouting match, I shut down. I try to hear everything another person is saying but if I sense that I am not being heard, I stop talking.
And like I have said in the response, I’m not advocating for rampant offensiveness. My initial gut response was most likely more offensive than the posted response.
Indeed, I did write a response, not right away to the message, but about a couple weeks before this posting. I often have difficulty sleeping and one night my wandering thoughts brought me to this person. I got so angry! So I got out of bed and started writing something. I wanted to list all the things I was still hurting over, all the things for which I feel the person has not adequately responded.
The thing is, many of those things I had thought I had given up to God and forgiven the person. I suppose part of the reason why those offenses still bother me is because I never told the person that I had forgiven. I had a chance to, I had the intention to, a specific moment when I could have… and backed down from doing so.
I’ve asked myself why I backed down. I heard somewhere that forgiveness is a gift one gives to oneself. Not forgiving is like drinking poison while expecting the other person to die.
Anyways, the response you did read, while I wrote it I began to soften, to allow the anger to melt into sadness for a botched friendship. I suppose it’s what people call “catharsis.” If nothing comes out of this, I know that I am going to be okay. If something comes out of this, like a renovated friendship, great. I’m not sure which outcome I should wish for more.
I also toyed with trying to write something like this but in a not-so-direct manner. I found it difficult to do so.
I dwell much on the quote shared in the response: Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. I see it in so many situations. I try to catch the word/action disconnect in myself whenever possible.
One example that I’ve been working on but struggling with is to love my parents better. I have come to believe that obedience is love. I’ve written earlier this year that I am a strong-willed child, so one can imagine how tough obedience is coming to someone who has practiced the opposite for decades. But I love my parents, I really do. I have two good parents and I know how blessed I am to have them. Yet I am constantly catching myself behaving as if I don’t love them.
Okay, I think I’m starting to ramble.
Short path: I was hurt by someone and angry with the person. I am trying to forgive the person. I think one could read the softening of my anger between the lines of the response as it went on. Main point- if you care about someone, do what you can to let them know that you do. How many times? As often as possible.
I think that main point is applicable to anyone, and so I went ahead and posted the response. I’ll probably come back to that point often in future posts. It’s a huge motivation for myself. It has motivated me more so in recent times to do more things that I don’t want to do if it might help someone sense my care of them.
Anyways, I’m just… shaking my head about a great many things, one of the reasons why I feel so displaced. What’s it all for, God? I used to have the vision but for the first time in my life the word “impossible” is starting to creep in….
Sigh. Well, thank you for reading.
A Note to Somebody
Dear “Friend,”
You recently sent a message and here is the reply: I wonder if we were ever truly friends in the first place and so it might be best that you and I part ways. Entirely.
You’d like more explanation? I will try.
You and I must have very different ideas about what it means to be a friend or to call someone “friend.”
It’s not so much that we’ve had good times and we’ve had tough times. It’s that you and I both handle such times differently in a way that doesn’t seem to keep you and me together. I don’t mean “together” like always together; I have some great friends that are elsewhere and we barely keep it touch yet we are still friends. I have some good friends whom I’ve never seen more than once a week at the most and yet we are still friends.
Plus, you and I have huge communication problems. Normally, I would not have posted this in such a semi-public place yet I’ve tried other ways. I don’t know what to do. And maybe someone else stumbling on this might learn something. I don’t know. I don’t seem to be able to get your attention adequately when we “talk” in-person. I don’t know that I want to be in-person with you.
Would you like me to point to something more specific? Something which might give you a better idea of a possible direction?
I could choose from a list of things from the past but let me start with your message. This is how I read it…
You said, “I know our relationship is strained.” Okay, you know. So what? You haven’t done anything about it so I don’t believe that you care. That’s fine. I know you have more important relationships to take care of. I can’t make anyone care about me. When you and I have been strained in the past, I didn’t know what to do but I made efforts. If this should occur between you and someone else and you don’t know what to do or what you’re doing isn’t working, get a clue. Ask someone. Best advice I can give, ask the very person with whom you are strained. Do something.
You said “I don’t want [our strained relationship] to come between you and [our friend].” Well, I’m sorry but it does. I’ve been trying not to let it either but relationships are messy. How would you like it if someone who hurt you started to date your best friend? And the thing is that I knew you could make a compatible couple a long time ago; if you had gotten together back then, things might have been better. Well, maybe and maybe not. Who knows? Add to that the way you handled it made me think that you don’t trust me and I guess you don’t. There are a lot of things I stopped trusting you with over time so I suppose we’re even.
And as nice as it was for you to pray for my leg, I have been to church once this year. Yes, that has to do with myself, but also if you were such a concerned friend, you should be praying for my spiritual healing. I could go to hell with a broken leg just as easily as I could go to heaven.
The other time when you said you were praying for my dad, my dad wasn’t concerning me as much as other things and so it’s nice that you prayed for him but it showed that you did not know for what I would’ve wanted prayed.
If you knew me as someone who used to be fervently seeking God’s will and striving to become ever more obedient to his will, it should make you sad/ concerned/ bewildered/ [something] that I no longer seem to be doing so.
You think that being polite and “respectful” is more important than the spiritual welfare of your friend? So you don’t say anything or do anything when that person doesn’t seem to want to talk about it? Well, your friend could drown spiritually.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “[9] Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. [10]For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”
It doesn’t really matter who you think is there for your friend. Maybe they are and maybe they aren’t. Maybe they’re helpful and maybe they’re not. If YOU care for someone, YOU show it. For all the negative things between your friends and I, for all the times I’ve said how on my own I feel or how far my friends are and the like, and that one time when you asked me if I had someone, a friend, and I had shrugged in answer because I had no answer…
With all the other times I felt like I was talking to no one while you sat next to me…
Love takes offense. Caring takes offense. True friendships take offense. Jesus was/is offensive to people. I’m not saying go around being intentionally offensive all the time. I’m not saying be a reputable jerk. I am advising to learn not to use offensiveness so sparingly. And learn to use offense wisely- something I am trying to learn.
I am certain that you are going to take offense to this note. Well, so what? Will it matter? I’ve tried in so many ways to tell you and show you that you mattered to me. If you didn’t understand that, if you didn’t receive it as that, well….
I admit, sometimes I’ve confused you in that caring. I was confused at times also so that tends to make me confusing. I am sorry and there’s nothing I can do to erase that. I don’t know if there is something to do to make up for the confusion I caused. Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore as you seem to have had a certain question answered for you. I still apologize because I should have known better than to be confused.
It’s not for lack of trying to receive your care. Years ago I’ve learned that I ought to look for signs of care in ways unconventional to my own or I might miss it entirely. And sometimes I ought to demonstrate my care for someone in the way in which they might best receive it, not in the way that I am best at giving it.
You have tried. I have tried. At this point, I don’t believe that you care. At this point, I’m tired of making a move. At this point, you might think that I don’t care.
And the saddest thing about all of this, I believe, is that a mutual love of God and his son Jesus alone should have been able to… I don’t exactly know what… help us sustain a friendship? If that mutual love had been true in you and I. You and/ or I got in the way.
And I’m not saying that it would be your fault if your friend drowned, but how much better would it be to be there for your friend either way, whether they do drown or not? There are too many things that none of us can control.
What this all comes down to at this point is… there is a quote that comes to my mind. I’m not sure who originated and I can’t find the source where I first came across it, but it goes, “Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”
You’ve said a lot of nice sounding things over the years that I don’t believe because of lack of action in this case. “We’re still friends…” “I’ll defer to your leadership…” “I apologize for gossiping about you…” I’m telling you directly now that your actions, from my point of view, have said otherwise.
A lot of these kinds of “lessons” are ones that I’ve picked up from others. I’m not saying anything that I haven’t learned myself or that I try to keep in my own mind. I’m not telling you anything that I am not echoing back to myself. I don’t think I am very wise.
You once asked me, “Where do we go from here?” My answer this time is, “Wherever you want to go, go.”
Signed,
“Friend”
You recently sent a message and here is the reply: I wonder if we were ever truly friends in the first place and so it might be best that you and I part ways. Entirely.
You’d like more explanation? I will try.
You and I must have very different ideas about what it means to be a friend or to call someone “friend.”
It’s not so much that we’ve had good times and we’ve had tough times. It’s that you and I both handle such times differently in a way that doesn’t seem to keep you and me together. I don’t mean “together” like always together; I have some great friends that are elsewhere and we barely keep it touch yet we are still friends. I have some good friends whom I’ve never seen more than once a week at the most and yet we are still friends.
Plus, you and I have huge communication problems. Normally, I would not have posted this in such a semi-public place yet I’ve tried other ways. I don’t know what to do. And maybe someone else stumbling on this might learn something. I don’t know. I don’t seem to be able to get your attention adequately when we “talk” in-person. I don’t know that I want to be in-person with you.
Would you like me to point to something more specific? Something which might give you a better idea of a possible direction?
I could choose from a list of things from the past but let me start with your message. This is how I read it…
You said, “I know our relationship is strained.” Okay, you know. So what? You haven’t done anything about it so I don’t believe that you care. That’s fine. I know you have more important relationships to take care of. I can’t make anyone care about me. When you and I have been strained in the past, I didn’t know what to do but I made efforts. If this should occur between you and someone else and you don’t know what to do or what you’re doing isn’t working, get a clue. Ask someone. Best advice I can give, ask the very person with whom you are strained. Do something.
You said “I don’t want [our strained relationship] to come between you and [our friend].” Well, I’m sorry but it does. I’ve been trying not to let it either but relationships are messy. How would you like it if someone who hurt you started to date your best friend? And the thing is that I knew you could make a compatible couple a long time ago; if you had gotten together back then, things might have been better. Well, maybe and maybe not. Who knows? Add to that the way you handled it made me think that you don’t trust me and I guess you don’t. There are a lot of things I stopped trusting you with over time so I suppose we’re even.
And as nice as it was for you to pray for my leg, I have been to church once this year. Yes, that has to do with myself, but also if you were such a concerned friend, you should be praying for my spiritual healing. I could go to hell with a broken leg just as easily as I could go to heaven.
The other time when you said you were praying for my dad, my dad wasn’t concerning me as much as other things and so it’s nice that you prayed for him but it showed that you did not know for what I would’ve wanted prayed.
If you knew me as someone who used to be fervently seeking God’s will and striving to become ever more obedient to his will, it should make you sad/ concerned/ bewildered/ [something] that I no longer seem to be doing so.
You think that being polite and “respectful” is more important than the spiritual welfare of your friend? So you don’t say anything or do anything when that person doesn’t seem to want to talk about it? Well, your friend could drown spiritually.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “[9] Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. [10]For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”
It doesn’t really matter who you think is there for your friend. Maybe they are and maybe they aren’t. Maybe they’re helpful and maybe they’re not. If YOU care for someone, YOU show it. For all the negative things between your friends and I, for all the times I’ve said how on my own I feel or how far my friends are and the like, and that one time when you asked me if I had someone, a friend, and I had shrugged in answer because I had no answer…
With all the other times I felt like I was talking to no one while you sat next to me…
Love takes offense. Caring takes offense. True friendships take offense. Jesus was/is offensive to people. I’m not saying go around being intentionally offensive all the time. I’m not saying be a reputable jerk. I am advising to learn not to use offensiveness so sparingly. And learn to use offense wisely- something I am trying to learn.
I am certain that you are going to take offense to this note. Well, so what? Will it matter? I’ve tried in so many ways to tell you and show you that you mattered to me. If you didn’t understand that, if you didn’t receive it as that, well….
I admit, sometimes I’ve confused you in that caring. I was confused at times also so that tends to make me confusing. I am sorry and there’s nothing I can do to erase that. I don’t know if there is something to do to make up for the confusion I caused. Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore as you seem to have had a certain question answered for you. I still apologize because I should have known better than to be confused.
It’s not for lack of trying to receive your care. Years ago I’ve learned that I ought to look for signs of care in ways unconventional to my own or I might miss it entirely. And sometimes I ought to demonstrate my care for someone in the way in which they might best receive it, not in the way that I am best at giving it.
You have tried. I have tried. At this point, I don’t believe that you care. At this point, I’m tired of making a move. At this point, you might think that I don’t care.
And the saddest thing about all of this, I believe, is that a mutual love of God and his son Jesus alone should have been able to… I don’t exactly know what… help us sustain a friendship? If that mutual love had been true in you and I. You and/ or I got in the way.
And I’m not saying that it would be your fault if your friend drowned, but how much better would it be to be there for your friend either way, whether they do drown or not? There are too many things that none of us can control.
What this all comes down to at this point is… there is a quote that comes to my mind. I’m not sure who originated and I can’t find the source where I first came across it, but it goes, “Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”
You’ve said a lot of nice sounding things over the years that I don’t believe because of lack of action in this case. “We’re still friends…” “I’ll defer to your leadership…” “I apologize for gossiping about you…” I’m telling you directly now that your actions, from my point of view, have said otherwise.
A lot of these kinds of “lessons” are ones that I’ve picked up from others. I’m not saying anything that I haven’t learned myself or that I try to keep in my own mind. I’m not telling you anything that I am not echoing back to myself. I don’t think I am very wise.
You once asked me, “Where do we go from here?” My answer this time is, “Wherever you want to go, go.”
Signed,
“Friend”
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Faith in a Vacuum
On January 1st of 2008, I renewed my commitment to Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I didn’t miss one Sunday of church that year; I woke up excited that it was Sunday and that I had the privilege of going. In the middle of 2009, I heard God’s call to service and jumped in; I took another step in the right direction on my Christian journey.
Yet 2009 ended in… I don’t even have a word for it. It was not good.
I tried to forge ahead and refresh the efforts in 2010. I tried to put on bravery. It didn’t happen. Instead, I was crushed by May.
So here it is in 2011. I have been to church twice. One was for seeing my spiritual son off to a new time in his life. The second was in order to hear a well-known Christian author give the sermon at a friend’s church.
Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever go back.
It isn’t for not wanting to go to church. It isn’t for a lack of a church to go to.
It isn’t for a lack of belief in God.
Yet faith in a vacuum is meaningless.
Along the lines of “writer’s block,” I have “servant’s block.”
Proverbs 29:18 [KJV] ~
Where there is no vision, the people perish:
But he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
Easter Sunday approaching… and I am without the fire. I am without a flame. I am without a spark.
I have no more home.
Yet 2009 ended in… I don’t even have a word for it. It was not good.
I tried to forge ahead and refresh the efforts in 2010. I tried to put on bravery. It didn’t happen. Instead, I was crushed by May.
So here it is in 2011. I have been to church twice. One was for seeing my spiritual son off to a new time in his life. The second was in order to hear a well-known Christian author give the sermon at a friend’s church.
Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever go back.
It isn’t for not wanting to go to church. It isn’t for a lack of a church to go to.
It isn’t for a lack of belief in God.
Yet faith in a vacuum is meaningless.
Along the lines of “writer’s block,” I have “servant’s block.”
Proverbs 29:18 [KJV] ~
Where there is no vision, the people perish:
But he that keepeth the law, happy is he.
Easter Sunday approaching… and I am without the fire. I am without a flame. I am without a spark.
I have no more home.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Untitled [04.06.2011]
A sleepless night. It is 4:45 am as I am beginning this entry. I’m listening to my parents get ready to take Dad in for something at the hospital.
The show “Parenthood” is well-written. I’ve been watching it online. I really enjoy it but I don’t think I will be watching it anymore. It’s too emotional and I don’t think I can handle it.
I think I’ve finally decided something else that’s a more serious matter.
And it affects another serious matter, though I don’t know exactly how it will actually play out.
5:07 They just left.
5:15 I think I will go to sleep. I’ll post this first. I haven’t posted in a while. I have a lot I could say … …
Or maybe I don’t.
The show “Parenthood” is well-written. I’ve been watching it online. I really enjoy it but I don’t think I will be watching it anymore. It’s too emotional and I don’t think I can handle it.
I think I’ve finally decided something else that’s a more serious matter.
And it affects another serious matter, though I don’t know exactly how it will actually play out.
5:07 They just left.
5:15 I think I will go to sleep. I’ll post this first. I haven’t posted in a while. I have a lot I could say … …
Or maybe I don’t.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Untitled [02.02.2011]
*sigh* a lot on my mind as usual but I will try to stick to the chosen subject of this post.
Sometimes this makes me feel like a jerk and I’m sure it comes across in my actions.
The last couple weeks, I’ve been forced to see someone and it is very uncomfortable for me. I can tell when a part of my heart is hardened because I will intentionally avoid someone or something.
If you truly knew me, you would know that I’m not much of an avoider. I’m more a fighter than an avoider. If people want to avoid me, I keep moving forward and make them avoid me.
So when I’m so willing to intentionally avoid someone myself, it’s not a good sign at all.
I don’t like myself much when I’m like this but I don’t know what else to do anymore. I believe that I’ve tried and tried and tried and I just can’t try anymore. The other person may feel otherwise; I don’t know and I don’t know that I’ll ever be willing to try from my own efforts again. I know that I’m not willing to make any moves at this moment.
____________________________
When I look at this person, I think of how I’ve felt disrespected by them. I think about how uncaring they have been.
I remember how I was there for them when they were worried for their mother and then again for their father.
But I also remember how that person was nowhere to be found when I was freaked out over my dad. They have not once asked about my dad up to this day. [I’m having difficulty getting through typing this up…]
I remember a time that person would have done anything to stay in my life during times when I took a “Jennifer break,” – as Apple calls it – how they reached out in hopes of finding out if I was okay or not, to make sure I knew that they cared. I cherished those messages…
… but I also remember more recent times when that person spoke words which sounded like it didn’t matter whether I was around or not, that I could go and wouldn’t be missed. That might not be the specific words they used but that is the sentiment that I caught from the words they did use.
I remember past conversations with this person when I shared my concerns and care for others and how I want to do what I can for others. Other people were on my mind and heart so much. Did that person not understand or not remember because…
… more recently I remember that person calling me a “dictator.” I don’t remember hearing that person defend me at all or even try to be neutral about it. The only way that wouldn’t hurt in the first place is if they were exactly correct- that I did want to be a dictator.
I’ve been trying to lean on God’s love and forgive that person for everything, but it would help the healing if that person had ever said sorry about it or showed any care for my hurt. Being called a “dictator” still slays me and I’m having difficulty leading as I’m supposed to because I don’t want people thinking that I am a dictator. I know I shouldn’t care what people think and I usually don’t, but I counted them [a group which includes the individual I’m talking about here] as friends. I was wrong and it hurts.
I’ve had good friends call me “cold-hearted” on several occasions but I knew what they meant- that I can be very blunt and straight-forward, not sugar-coating anything- and they didn’t hurt me. Being called a “dictator” was a hundred times worse.
I remember that person saying that they didn’t feel like they were being trusted. Well, the person got that one right. I didn’t trust them anymore because for all their talk of “deferring to [my] leadership,” I felt that they never did that. I felt that the person was trying to bully me into doing what that person wanted instead of what God spoke into me. I didn’t observe much to believe that person supported me at all and so I let my trust of that person drain out.
I remember this person trying to use my blog- this blog- against me. No, I didn’t trust them after that.
I have been feeling like as long as that person is happy with their group, and now their romantic relationship too, that I don’t matter. So I ask myself what our “friendship” – if there ever was one – was based upon. I have no answer for it.
I feel like the group [+ individual] is just trying to wait me out, that I just let it all go so that they don’t ever have to face real serious hurts, whether mine or their own. That’s peace-faking. I am not willing to do that because it’s detrimental to their growth and mine.
Their smiling faces offend me.
____________________________
I can’t make others care about me.
Most of all, this hurts me because I know this isn’t how God wants any of us to be. I feel helpless in this situation, of the situation with this person and their group. I feel helpless and sad. Betrayed and abandoned.
Theodore Roosevelt or John C. Maxwell [I try not to quote when it’s tricky figuring out who said it first] said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
I feel like this person and their group don’t even care how much I’ve cared.
I’ve had so many ideas to do ministry things but I don’t know who to trust anymore and I don’t know who cares.
They recently did an idea that I have had myself. I won’t say anything more about it at this time.
____________________________
Ginger I have unending love for and also for Kicker and so I will endure and enjoy their upcoming ceremony as much as I can. I am so glad to be paired with Polar- it will make this easier. I will fake peace for them. *deep sigh*
Okay, so thank you for reading another whining session from me. Believe me; I don’t enjoy this even more than you don’t enjoy it.
Thank you.
Sometimes this makes me feel like a jerk and I’m sure it comes across in my actions.
The last couple weeks, I’ve been forced to see someone and it is very uncomfortable for me. I can tell when a part of my heart is hardened because I will intentionally avoid someone or something.
If you truly knew me, you would know that I’m not much of an avoider. I’m more a fighter than an avoider. If people want to avoid me, I keep moving forward and make them avoid me.
So when I’m so willing to intentionally avoid someone myself, it’s not a good sign at all.
I don’t like myself much when I’m like this but I don’t know what else to do anymore. I believe that I’ve tried and tried and tried and I just can’t try anymore. The other person may feel otherwise; I don’t know and I don’t know that I’ll ever be willing to try from my own efforts again. I know that I’m not willing to make any moves at this moment.
____________________________
When I look at this person, I think of how I’ve felt disrespected by them. I think about how uncaring they have been.
I remember how I was there for them when they were worried for their mother and then again for their father.
But I also remember how that person was nowhere to be found when I was freaked out over my dad. They have not once asked about my dad up to this day. [I’m having difficulty getting through typing this up…]
I remember a time that person would have done anything to stay in my life during times when I took a “Jennifer break,” – as Apple calls it – how they reached out in hopes of finding out if I was okay or not, to make sure I knew that they cared. I cherished those messages…
… but I also remember more recent times when that person spoke words which sounded like it didn’t matter whether I was around or not, that I could go and wouldn’t be missed. That might not be the specific words they used but that is the sentiment that I caught from the words they did use.
I remember past conversations with this person when I shared my concerns and care for others and how I want to do what I can for others. Other people were on my mind and heart so much. Did that person not understand or not remember because…
… more recently I remember that person calling me a “dictator.” I don’t remember hearing that person defend me at all or even try to be neutral about it. The only way that wouldn’t hurt in the first place is if they were exactly correct- that I did want to be a dictator.
I’ve been trying to lean on God’s love and forgive that person for everything, but it would help the healing if that person had ever said sorry about it or showed any care for my hurt. Being called a “dictator” still slays me and I’m having difficulty leading as I’m supposed to because I don’t want people thinking that I am a dictator. I know I shouldn’t care what people think and I usually don’t, but I counted them [a group which includes the individual I’m talking about here] as friends. I was wrong and it hurts.
I’ve had good friends call me “cold-hearted” on several occasions but I knew what they meant- that I can be very blunt and straight-forward, not sugar-coating anything- and they didn’t hurt me. Being called a “dictator” was a hundred times worse.
I remember that person saying that they didn’t feel like they were being trusted. Well, the person got that one right. I didn’t trust them anymore because for all their talk of “deferring to [my] leadership,” I felt that they never did that. I felt that the person was trying to bully me into doing what that person wanted instead of what God spoke into me. I didn’t observe much to believe that person supported me at all and so I let my trust of that person drain out.
I remember this person trying to use my blog- this blog- against me. No, I didn’t trust them after that.
I have been feeling like as long as that person is happy with their group, and now their romantic relationship too, that I don’t matter. So I ask myself what our “friendship” – if there ever was one – was based upon. I have no answer for it.
I feel like the group [+ individual] is just trying to wait me out, that I just let it all go so that they don’t ever have to face real serious hurts, whether mine or their own. That’s peace-faking. I am not willing to do that because it’s detrimental to their growth and mine.
Their smiling faces offend me.
____________________________
I can’t make others care about me.
Most of all, this hurts me because I know this isn’t how God wants any of us to be. I feel helpless in this situation, of the situation with this person and their group. I feel helpless and sad. Betrayed and abandoned.
Theodore Roosevelt or John C. Maxwell [I try not to quote when it’s tricky figuring out who said it first] said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
I feel like this person and their group don’t even care how much I’ve cared.
I’ve had so many ideas to do ministry things but I don’t know who to trust anymore and I don’t know who cares.
They recently did an idea that I have had myself. I won’t say anything more about it at this time.
____________________________
Ginger I have unending love for and also for Kicker and so I will endure and enjoy their upcoming ceremony as much as I can. I am so glad to be paired with Polar- it will make this easier. I will fake peace for them. *deep sigh*
Okay, so thank you for reading another whining session from me. Believe me; I don’t enjoy this even more than you don’t enjoy it.
Thank you.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Untitled [01.04.2011]
So, I’ve figured out that I’ve been laboring under the wrong impression.
See, I was looking to make friends. I knew I would need more than just a casual friend. My best-of-the-best sister/friend moved away, leaving a major local position empty. I wasn’t thinking that I’d automatically find someone to fill that position exactly. No one truly replaces another. I just thought, I’m definitely going to need some friends.
I am usually able to come out with at least one good friend among a group. I am more comfortable with guys than I am with girls. Usually guys are more straightforward and drama-avoiding, which I tend to be also. I also tend to enjoy typical guy activities like sports and sci-fi and fantasy stuff, at least more those things than shopping and who’s-dating-who and that stuff.
So, I thought I was just making many friends and it seemed well enough that they all were in the same group. Great. They’re mostly guys. Great.
What I believe really happened was that the group thought I was interested in one of their guys [Guy A] and so they tolerated me on his behalf. Then it seemed that maybe another of their guys might be an interest also. As soon as neither guy seemed interested in me anymore, as well as some other junk because the group and I were working under drastically different information, they were no longer obligated to befriend me.
Yes, I was curious about one of their guys initially. So I set out to make the most of whatever opportunity came my way to get to know him better. It’s what I do.
1- My volunteering with the youth department had NOTHING to do with being curious about the guy. It also had nothing to do with looking to make friends. I did not USE God’s guidance and honor in order to meet a guy, I did not USE God’s work in order to fulfill MY desires. I had NOTHING to do with being partnered with Guy A.
2- Personal history: in the few times that I have been curious about a guy enough to get to know him, I have never dated the guy. It could be any number of reasons why but the two I think of are that he wasn’t interested in dating me and/ or my curiosity was satisfied at the friend-level and never grew beyond that. I’m good with that and have come out with some great guy friends.
3- All of my former boyfriends sought me out. I wouldn’t say that they “chased” me because I don’t play hard-to-get and all those games, neither did I make it completely easy on them. They made the initial moves though and I happened to deem fit to respond. So, to relate this in with #2 somewhat, when I’m the one to make the initial “moves,” I tend to lose dating interest in the guy, if indeed there had been any on my part. I operate more in the interest of friendship than in dating as a goal. Only two come to mind whom I had really hoped there would be a chance of dating while I operated under friendship.
So back to Guy A: I was curious and sought out friendship. About a month later, I attracted Guy B who sought out something with me; all the while I didn’t completely drop Guy A because I was looking for a friendship. Later, Guy C came along and our friendship grew. Still with me?
Then it gets really confusing and tangled, and part of that is what I often say: I’m dense about guys being interested in me which is why things have been easier when the guy approaches me first and made it clear that he’s interested and for what.
Guy A became interested in dating but I didn’t realize it until late, partly because of my density and because of his ways and partly because Guy B and I were still figuring things out only people didn’t know about Guy B. Guy C became curious about friendship or dating I guess? I still don’t really know about that one. Guy B and I took another break. Shortly after, Guy A and I hit a rough patch. I don’t completely know what happened with Guy C but he stopped coming around. Guy B came back and then went away again. Guy A and I hit another rough patch.
Somewhere in that mess, I confess that I tried to be the person A wanted me to be, in a way, and furthered the confusion. No matter how I felt about B, the skeptic in me reminds me that I could be wrong about everything. Yet, a huge part of me was sure that I wasn’t wrong about A and me and I went back to friendship. Age difference played a role in it but other things helped me figure out quick that dating A would be a difficult thing, not impossible but unadvised. I thought things were settled and then we had a huge falling out and still haven’t quite gotten back to friendship.
Anyways, all of that was going on and I really couldn’t keep track of what happened when and stuff. I know that people were under the impression that I was interested in either A or C and they didn’t know about B. I was interested in A and C as friends.
So, get that? I thought I was friends with A and C as well as the rest of the group. Some in the group are my friends no matter if I date one of the guys or not, of which the dating part doesn’t seem likely at all.
I adore C so much because even though he became disinterested in dating me at all [I think] and then dated someone else, I know that our friendship is important to him. Even though he went away for a bit, I could still call him up for anything and he would still spend time with me when we were in the same place. He never stopped being my friend through everything.
Now A is dating my closest local friend and even that has some complications, at least for me and I’m rather certain that neither of them will understand. It’s strange because early on I… nevermind. It’s not specifically about them dating. This is all I’ll say about that at this point.
I think for some in the group, they’ll think that I left because A was no longer an option for me. It would seem that way to them because they don’t have all the facts and have some misinformation on top of that and because of how things seem along the timeline.
Many other things are going on at the same time though. Mainly is the thing that I’m typing about on this post: that I was looking for friends in general and thought I had, while others thought I was looking to date. We were operating under different impressions. And since the dating is not going on, they are no longer obligated to befriend me. I get it now. While I know that some will be my friend even without the dating, the group…………
Here’s the thing: I’ve been told that the group is probably at its capacity. I would add that if that’s true, then it’s at its capacity unless a dating relationship occurs, then the group allows for the girlfriend to come “in.” They thought that was going to be me, it’s not, and so they have no place for me. On one hand, this makes me more okay with leaving. I’m not going to mention what the other hand REALLY wants to do!
You can’t tell me that the group is at its capacity and then ask me if I want to be with the group. Don’t tell me that I can’t get the group to want me and then ask if I want to be with the group. It doesn’t make sense. You can’t tell me that the group isn’t going to make an effort if I don’t want to be with the group and then ask me because it’s not up to me. It sounds like pity friendship and I don’t need any of that. After being rejected and opposed on every side, don’t ask me if I want to be with the group. Even when I wanted to be with the group, it was pretty much on my efforts. I don’t believe that the group will embrace me even if I still wanted to be with the group. It hasn’t happened.
I approached the group with my friendship. I didn’t care who people were or what they were like or who doesn’t like who or any of that. I didn’t come to that group in order to date A or C or anyone. I gave gifts. I did more than my best to befriend each person. I helped get everyone together, EVERYONE, not for me but for the good of the group. I made time to spend with whomever. I cared, I prayed, I got things started. I didn’t ditch people so I could spend time with B. I thought I was a pretty good friend to have.
When I needed the group, the group let me down. I’m not talking about individual efforts though some individuals have let me down also. I have been the one to seek out amends. Because I cared. So don’t ask me if I want to be with the group.
So partly I’m leaving because it doesn’t seem to matter. I get it now. As long as they have their group together, they don’t have enough care for me. It might sound like I’m asking for a lot but I’m not. I’m not only asking for myself but also on the behalf of others who might come along looking to be their friend. Maybe I just define/ labor friendships differently. Some may realize I’m not around, again, but they’re probably not going to make a move, like they didn’t last time. The other parts are that… nevermind.
Perhaps some other time.
I am making friends again. Well, I’m always looking to make friends, but another group is starting to welcome me. I don’t see that someday they’ll start calling me up just to hang out, but what is right now is enough right now. I think we’re both operating under the same impression, that I’m a sort-of-mentor-role-model/ friend type with them [they role model for me in different areas], more that than a buddy-buddy type and hopefully not a dating-interest type AT ALL for they are much younger.
And in any case, remember what I said? No one replaces another. I might be able to enjoy another friend or another group, yet it will never make up for what I thought I had.
Even the one that’s close to my age, well, I’ll just say that I am operating under my usual interest of friendship. And I am being very careful about that.
[I know people are speculating. If they’re gossiping, you know, I just don’t care what they’re saying. They shouldn’t be saying anything, but my experience says they probably are. I’m meaning specific people and people in general, that gossip is a rampant and insidious thing. Also, that people think they have me figured out but they don’t have a clue and don’t care to have any. I have no control over what others do.]
So here I go again, looking for people to be friends with, to hang out with, to care about, etc.
I hate this. *Sigh*
See, I was looking to make friends. I knew I would need more than just a casual friend. My best-of-the-best sister/friend moved away, leaving a major local position empty. I wasn’t thinking that I’d automatically find someone to fill that position exactly. No one truly replaces another. I just thought, I’m definitely going to need some friends.
I am usually able to come out with at least one good friend among a group. I am more comfortable with guys than I am with girls. Usually guys are more straightforward and drama-avoiding, which I tend to be also. I also tend to enjoy typical guy activities like sports and sci-fi and fantasy stuff, at least more those things than shopping and who’s-dating-who and that stuff.
So, I thought I was just making many friends and it seemed well enough that they all were in the same group. Great. They’re mostly guys. Great.
What I believe really happened was that the group thought I was interested in one of their guys [Guy A] and so they tolerated me on his behalf. Then it seemed that maybe another of their guys might be an interest also. As soon as neither guy seemed interested in me anymore, as well as some other junk because the group and I were working under drastically different information, they were no longer obligated to befriend me.
Yes, I was curious about one of their guys initially. So I set out to make the most of whatever opportunity came my way to get to know him better. It’s what I do.
1- My volunteering with the youth department had NOTHING to do with being curious about the guy. It also had nothing to do with looking to make friends. I did not USE God’s guidance and honor in order to meet a guy, I did not USE God’s work in order to fulfill MY desires. I had NOTHING to do with being partnered with Guy A.
2- Personal history: in the few times that I have been curious about a guy enough to get to know him, I have never dated the guy. It could be any number of reasons why but the two I think of are that he wasn’t interested in dating me and/ or my curiosity was satisfied at the friend-level and never grew beyond that. I’m good with that and have come out with some great guy friends.
3- All of my former boyfriends sought me out. I wouldn’t say that they “chased” me because I don’t play hard-to-get and all those games, neither did I make it completely easy on them. They made the initial moves though and I happened to deem fit to respond. So, to relate this in with #2 somewhat, when I’m the one to make the initial “moves,” I tend to lose dating interest in the guy, if indeed there had been any on my part. I operate more in the interest of friendship than in dating as a goal. Only two come to mind whom I had really hoped there would be a chance of dating while I operated under friendship.
So back to Guy A: I was curious and sought out friendship. About a month later, I attracted Guy B who sought out something with me; all the while I didn’t completely drop Guy A because I was looking for a friendship. Later, Guy C came along and our friendship grew. Still with me?
Then it gets really confusing and tangled, and part of that is what I often say: I’m dense about guys being interested in me which is why things have been easier when the guy approaches me first and made it clear that he’s interested and for what.
Guy A became interested in dating but I didn’t realize it until late, partly because of my density and because of his ways and partly because Guy B and I were still figuring things out only people didn’t know about Guy B. Guy C became curious about friendship or dating I guess? I still don’t really know about that one. Guy B and I took another break. Shortly after, Guy A and I hit a rough patch. I don’t completely know what happened with Guy C but he stopped coming around. Guy B came back and then went away again. Guy A and I hit another rough patch.
Somewhere in that mess, I confess that I tried to be the person A wanted me to be, in a way, and furthered the confusion. No matter how I felt about B, the skeptic in me reminds me that I could be wrong about everything. Yet, a huge part of me was sure that I wasn’t wrong about A and me and I went back to friendship. Age difference played a role in it but other things helped me figure out quick that dating A would be a difficult thing, not impossible but unadvised. I thought things were settled and then we had a huge falling out and still haven’t quite gotten back to friendship.
Anyways, all of that was going on and I really couldn’t keep track of what happened when and stuff. I know that people were under the impression that I was interested in either A or C and they didn’t know about B. I was interested in A and C as friends.
So, get that? I thought I was friends with A and C as well as the rest of the group. Some in the group are my friends no matter if I date one of the guys or not, of which the dating part doesn’t seem likely at all.
I adore C so much because even though he became disinterested in dating me at all [I think] and then dated someone else, I know that our friendship is important to him. Even though he went away for a bit, I could still call him up for anything and he would still spend time with me when we were in the same place. He never stopped being my friend through everything.
Now A is dating my closest local friend and even that has some complications, at least for me and I’m rather certain that neither of them will understand. It’s strange because early on I… nevermind. It’s not specifically about them dating. This is all I’ll say about that at this point.
I think for some in the group, they’ll think that I left because A was no longer an option for me. It would seem that way to them because they don’t have all the facts and have some misinformation on top of that and because of how things seem along the timeline.
Many other things are going on at the same time though. Mainly is the thing that I’m typing about on this post: that I was looking for friends in general and thought I had, while others thought I was looking to date. We were operating under different impressions. And since the dating is not going on, they are no longer obligated to befriend me. I get it now. While I know that some will be my friend even without the dating, the group…………
Here’s the thing: I’ve been told that the group is probably at its capacity. I would add that if that’s true, then it’s at its capacity unless a dating relationship occurs, then the group allows for the girlfriend to come “in.” They thought that was going to be me, it’s not, and so they have no place for me. On one hand, this makes me more okay with leaving. I’m not going to mention what the other hand REALLY wants to do!
You can’t tell me that the group is at its capacity and then ask me if I want to be with the group. Don’t tell me that I can’t get the group to want me and then ask if I want to be with the group. It doesn’t make sense. You can’t tell me that the group isn’t going to make an effort if I don’t want to be with the group and then ask me because it’s not up to me. It sounds like pity friendship and I don’t need any of that. After being rejected and opposed on every side, don’t ask me if I want to be with the group. Even when I wanted to be with the group, it was pretty much on my efforts. I don’t believe that the group will embrace me even if I still wanted to be with the group. It hasn’t happened.
I approached the group with my friendship. I didn’t care who people were or what they were like or who doesn’t like who or any of that. I didn’t come to that group in order to date A or C or anyone. I gave gifts. I did more than my best to befriend each person. I helped get everyone together, EVERYONE, not for me but for the good of the group. I made time to spend with whomever. I cared, I prayed, I got things started. I didn’t ditch people so I could spend time with B. I thought I was a pretty good friend to have.
When I needed the group, the group let me down. I’m not talking about individual efforts though some individuals have let me down also. I have been the one to seek out amends. Because I cared. So don’t ask me if I want to be with the group.
So partly I’m leaving because it doesn’t seem to matter. I get it now. As long as they have their group together, they don’t have enough care for me. It might sound like I’m asking for a lot but I’m not. I’m not only asking for myself but also on the behalf of others who might come along looking to be their friend. Maybe I just define/ labor friendships differently. Some may realize I’m not around, again, but they’re probably not going to make a move, like they didn’t last time. The other parts are that… nevermind.
Perhaps some other time.
I am making friends again. Well, I’m always looking to make friends, but another group is starting to welcome me. I don’t see that someday they’ll start calling me up just to hang out, but what is right now is enough right now. I think we’re both operating under the same impression, that I’m a sort-of-mentor-role-model/ friend type with them [they role model for me in different areas], more that than a buddy-buddy type and hopefully not a dating-interest type AT ALL for they are much younger.
And in any case, remember what I said? No one replaces another. I might be able to enjoy another friend or another group, yet it will never make up for what I thought I had.
Even the one that’s close to my age, well, I’ll just say that I am operating under my usual interest of friendship. And I am being very careful about that.
[I know people are speculating. If they’re gossiping, you know, I just don’t care what they’re saying. They shouldn’t be saying anything, but my experience says they probably are. I’m meaning specific people and people in general, that gossip is a rampant and insidious thing. Also, that people think they have me figured out but they don’t have a clue and don’t care to have any. I have no control over what others do.]
So here I go again, looking for people to be friends with, to hang out with, to care about, etc.
I hate this. *Sigh*
Monday, January 3, 2011
Untitled [01.03.2011]
Today is not a good day. Even with God, life can be tough.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not care.
If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have to deal with these emotions with which I have no idea what to do. If I didn’t care, I could move more easily to other thoughts. If I didn’t care, I would choose to do what I want. If I didn’t care, I could walk away like it’s nothing. If I didn’t care, I could stay like it’s nothing. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t deal with other people’s bull.
You know what’s strange? Both my heart and my mind are in conflict over you. Both are giving messages to leave you and to stay with you. I tend to follow my mind more than my heart but it fails me on this one.
What scares me is that God has done so much work on my heart, to soften it, and whether I stay or go could mean hardening it again. I pray that any hardening be temporary, in order to do what I have to do.
So here’s some plain unemotional honesty: you can be a jerk sometimes. And an idiot. And I will say that because I will never condemn you for it knowing that I can be those at times also.
I would welcome you back as if nothing happened but you don’t want that do you? I would never leave you but you don’t believe me, do you? Or is it that you cannot believe me?
I would love you like no one can believe, not even you.
I’ve told you what I want. I wasn’t subtle about it.
You don’t have to throw it in my face. I should think you are trying too hard to convince yourself that you are unaffected. When I’m in the room with you, you pretend not to notice. When I come close, you pull away. When I walk away, you pout and stare for not wanting to call out.
You’re the one who’s confused. You’re the one who’s scared.
I get it. I gambled and I lost. But so did you.
I’ve done all I am able and more. I don’t have to be affected by you anymore.
I’m not going to let you take me down with you. I’m on the rise. The only way for you to reach me now will be to rise up also.
And yes, there may be a moment when it could be too late. You might wake up one day to find that I’m not there. You’ll realize that I have been gone for years.
And after all of this, I’m still going to do my best to make sure that moment is never actualized.
Because there’s a reason for all those “ifs” near the beginning.
I do care. I would give my life for a friend. I would give my life for family. And on the good days when I do right by God, I would give my life for foe. I am not foolish for it.
I will not let go of my warrior’s heart, this fierce heart of the lion. I will not give up the wisdom I have gained. I will give away this love that God has for me, for it is my saving grace.
And it’s yours just the same.
Today will be a good day. Even with God, life is enough.
[Still, wouldn't mind you sending some prayers to God on my behalf!]
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not care.
If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have to deal with these emotions with which I have no idea what to do. If I didn’t care, I could move more easily to other thoughts. If I didn’t care, I would choose to do what I want. If I didn’t care, I could walk away like it’s nothing. If I didn’t care, I could stay like it’s nothing. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t deal with other people’s bull.
You know what’s strange? Both my heart and my mind are in conflict over you. Both are giving messages to leave you and to stay with you. I tend to follow my mind more than my heart but it fails me on this one.
What scares me is that God has done so much work on my heart, to soften it, and whether I stay or go could mean hardening it again. I pray that any hardening be temporary, in order to do what I have to do.
So here’s some plain unemotional honesty: you can be a jerk sometimes. And an idiot. And I will say that because I will never condemn you for it knowing that I can be those at times also.
I would welcome you back as if nothing happened but you don’t want that do you? I would never leave you but you don’t believe me, do you? Or is it that you cannot believe me?
I would love you like no one can believe, not even you.
I’ve told you what I want. I wasn’t subtle about it.
You don’t have to throw it in my face. I should think you are trying too hard to convince yourself that you are unaffected. When I’m in the room with you, you pretend not to notice. When I come close, you pull away. When I walk away, you pout and stare for not wanting to call out.
You’re the one who’s confused. You’re the one who’s scared.
I get it. I gambled and I lost. But so did you.
I’ve done all I am able and more. I don’t have to be affected by you anymore.
I’m not going to let you take me down with you. I’m on the rise. The only way for you to reach me now will be to rise up also.
And yes, there may be a moment when it could be too late. You might wake up one day to find that I’m not there. You’ll realize that I have been gone for years.
And after all of this, I’m still going to do my best to make sure that moment is never actualized.
Because there’s a reason for all those “ifs” near the beginning.
I do care. I would give my life for a friend. I would give my life for family. And on the good days when I do right by God, I would give my life for foe. I am not foolish for it.
I will not let go of my warrior’s heart, this fierce heart of the lion. I will not give up the wisdom I have gained. I will give away this love that God has for me, for it is my saving grace.
And it’s yours just the same.
Today will be a good day. Even with God, life is enough.
[Still, wouldn't mind you sending some prayers to God on my behalf!]
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Safety Dance
Maybe it’s not so much the hurt but the fact that I no longer feel as safe as I used to with a group. Especially certain individuals I used to feel safest with, that’s been dialed back because of junk.
Well, yesterday I was listening to the Grounded podcast. For part of it, they were talking about guys and things like relationship and accountability [check it out with the links at the end]. Some of it was like they were talking to me also, though I’m not a guy but I do have some guy-like tendencies.
For the most part, I don’t need to talk; doing things with others can be enough. I like doing things with others in order to have some kind of connection and I like getting others into what I’m doing. They mentioned that guys used to get together and work on the car in the garage more than they do these days and that image is something that appeals to me. I’m not very good at video games mostly because I never had a system, but Brawl is so inviting and encouraging having me join in playing brawl that I enjoy it and I feel like I’m spending good time with Brawl. Polar, Pit, and Tenor are good at including me in what they’re doing; so even if I’m not fully participating in what they’re doing or even though we’re not talking about anything real, I enjoy being around them. I could get into what they’re doing but then I’m not… nevermind.
That’s something that’s improving between me and Tank. He taught me to play 42 and we played with Alpha and Red, and then another time with Squeaks and Shades. Another time I just watched them but for once I didn’t feel like an intruder or annoyance in sitting next to them. It’s quite a fun game and something I can pick up and get into quickly.
Anyways, Grounded talked about deeper relationships and friends and accountability. The lack of depth and accountability contribute to how disconnected I am and how I don’t feel safe with some people. I miss it but I don’t want to tell people what I really want because… I am not safe.
What could help me feel safe?
Two other happenings seem to be pointing the same way of me going my own way. I don’t really want to. I want to be able to put roots down somewhere and I’m tired of constantly moving on but at this point, I don’t know where to go or what to do.
Depth… I wonder if this is not with everyone, that I am one who will meet people where they are but at some point of a continuing relationship, I’m gonna ask for more. I mean, I look for mutual benefit as well, so usually if I’m asking for more it’s because I’m willing to or are already giving more. Without that, if the relationship doesn’t progress, for whatever reason, then one’s gonna be relegated to Acquaintance status.
It’s been generally my lot to buck against stagnation. I’m looking for new projects, innovations, conflict even, areas needing improvement. Every so often, I change things around in my room. Some things, I enjoy familiarity and routine, and then I’ll bust into something else. I get irritated with myself when I stagnate; it frustrates me.
So in a relationship, at some point I’m gonna seek out the next level. If we can’t get there, that’s okay; just understand that one’s not gonna have more access to me. And I work hard to get to another level so I resent reverting back down a level or two after having reached a higher level.
Where was I going with this?
On the Grounded podcast, Yoder said that “if I can’t share something that’s deep out of my heart with a friend, this guy’s not gonna be a friend for very long, not because I might not want him to, but because there’s nothing that binds it together.” That’s how I operate as well. I’m in it for the long haul, as much as the other person allows as well, because I’m looking for people who will go “through the fire” with me and I for them.
The podcast also talked about the cost of friendship. It’s related to what I’ve said before about investments in relationships, at least I think I’ve written about it before. Being able to speak into someone’s life and having them speak into mine, either through words and/or actions.
Anyways, main points: Maybe I have forgiven, I do not believe that I’m safe and go listen for yourself to the Grounded podcast with Ryan, Toben and Wes Yoder on men and relationships. There’s some good stuff there, better than I could ever explain. They even talk about forgiveness.
The end.
http://groundedradio.com/
[Grounded on Facebook]
Well, yesterday I was listening to the Grounded podcast. For part of it, they were talking about guys and things like relationship and accountability [check it out with the links at the end]. Some of it was like they were talking to me also, though I’m not a guy but I do have some guy-like tendencies.
For the most part, I don’t need to talk; doing things with others can be enough. I like doing things with others in order to have some kind of connection and I like getting others into what I’m doing. They mentioned that guys used to get together and work on the car in the garage more than they do these days and that image is something that appeals to me. I’m not very good at video games mostly because I never had a system, but Brawl is so inviting and encouraging having me join in playing brawl that I enjoy it and I feel like I’m spending good time with Brawl. Polar, Pit, and Tenor are good at including me in what they’re doing; so even if I’m not fully participating in what they’re doing or even though we’re not talking about anything real, I enjoy being around them. I could get into what they’re doing but then I’m not… nevermind.
That’s something that’s improving between me and Tank. He taught me to play 42 and we played with Alpha and Red, and then another time with Squeaks and Shades. Another time I just watched them but for once I didn’t feel like an intruder or annoyance in sitting next to them. It’s quite a fun game and something I can pick up and get into quickly.
Anyways, Grounded talked about deeper relationships and friends and accountability. The lack of depth and accountability contribute to how disconnected I am and how I don’t feel safe with some people. I miss it but I don’t want to tell people what I really want because… I am not safe.
What could help me feel safe?
Two other happenings seem to be pointing the same way of me going my own way. I don’t really want to. I want to be able to put roots down somewhere and I’m tired of constantly moving on but at this point, I don’t know where to go or what to do.
Depth… I wonder if this is not with everyone, that I am one who will meet people where they are but at some point of a continuing relationship, I’m gonna ask for more. I mean, I look for mutual benefit as well, so usually if I’m asking for more it’s because I’m willing to or are already giving more. Without that, if the relationship doesn’t progress, for whatever reason, then one’s gonna be relegated to Acquaintance status.
It’s been generally my lot to buck against stagnation. I’m looking for new projects, innovations, conflict even, areas needing improvement. Every so often, I change things around in my room. Some things, I enjoy familiarity and routine, and then I’ll bust into something else. I get irritated with myself when I stagnate; it frustrates me.
So in a relationship, at some point I’m gonna seek out the next level. If we can’t get there, that’s okay; just understand that one’s not gonna have more access to me. And I work hard to get to another level so I resent reverting back down a level or two after having reached a higher level.
Where was I going with this?
On the Grounded podcast, Yoder said that “if I can’t share something that’s deep out of my heart with a friend, this guy’s not gonna be a friend for very long, not because I might not want him to, but because there’s nothing that binds it together.” That’s how I operate as well. I’m in it for the long haul, as much as the other person allows as well, because I’m looking for people who will go “through the fire” with me and I for them.
The podcast also talked about the cost of friendship. It’s related to what I’ve said before about investments in relationships, at least I think I’ve written about it before. Being able to speak into someone’s life and having them speak into mine, either through words and/or actions.
Anyways, main points: Maybe I have forgiven, I do not believe that I’m safe and go listen for yourself to the Grounded podcast with Ryan, Toben and Wes Yoder on men and relationships. There’s some good stuff there, better than I could ever explain. They even talk about forgiveness.
The end.
http://groundedradio.com/
[Grounded on Facebook]
Monday, December 13, 2010
Unforgiven...?
How can I know that I’ve truly forgiven a thing? I ask because things still hurt. It’s not that someone apologized and asked for forgiveness. There have been maybe two apologies that I remember and one that sought out peace between us, but the one that sought the peace, there was no conflict between us to begin with and so instead, I thanked that person for the care they have provided.
I know another one meant to apologize for something but I stopped one before it got there because it wasn’t something that I was upset about. Or at least, it didn’t affect our relationship.
It seems that people think if they’ve been forgiven, then there’s nothing to apologize for.
So I’m thinking that if I’ve been forgiven, it doesn’t mean that I can’t apologize for things that I feel poorly about. However, that would mean that I would have to feel poorly about something in order to apologize.
God can and will heal me, even if others never apologize or if they don’t express that they care. I believe that. The part that troubles is that people keep saying that they care, and then that’s it. That’s all the follow through that I get. And so I feel like I’ve made so much effort and that I’m alone.
Also, the healing could be done much easier and faster if I wasn’t alone in it.
I want others to heal also. I haven’t been doing things just for my own benefit. In the end, I wanna be able to say, with others, that we did something that glorifies God. God does move. God is personal. God is involved with us and he wants to be involved with you too. I sense that there’s a potential testimony in this situation that’s not being brought to light.
Can I forgive completely if I still hurt?
Someone tells me that they weren’t hurt. If the other wasn’t hurt, then why was there so much division? Why did they lash out? Because I have tried to take responsibility for my part in it and to make amends, but I wasn’t responsible for all of it.
I think that maybe others don’t understand what it means to hurt. Hurt isn’t just about crying or sadness. Hurt also manifests in anger and hostility. Hurt is betrayed by division and separation. My thinking is that hurt is the opposite of peace. If one’s not at peace with another, one might wanna take a look at the reason. Otherwise, it would be like war between countries over differences in like cultural or religious views, right? They just don’t like each other for no good reason. Then if that is the case between me and someone else, why should I stay?
The reason I cried in front of others was because I was hurt, yes, but more specifically I was angry. I hate being angry. Two other times when I cried in front of people were because I got to that level of anger. Despite appearances, I don’t anger easily. If I cry in public, that’s a major sign of something.
They say that it wasn’t personal. Then why have those friendships evaporated? Why was I unsupported and abandoned? Why was everything up to whatever I chose and whatever I did? I’m not talking about changes in relationships. The care I thought they had for me at one time isn’t there. I’ve been looking. I’ve been waiting. I’ve tried provoking by my actions.
I’m not talking about feeling it either because there have been times with other people when I didn’t feel cared for yet I persevered for the sake of the relationship through remembrances or occurrences of acts of care, not just feelings. This time, I’m beyond that. The memories seem like a different lifetime. For a while now, I’ve been not feeling it and the acts of care haven’t been coming either. It’s like I’m in this bubble, a vacuum and nothing reaches me. That can’t be simply on my end alone. Through all this, I’ve also been searching myself.
I’m at my end. I don’t give up easily and I don’t move on easily, but to others, that is what it will look like. Well, sometimes one just has to say that enough is enough. I’ve fought the good fight.
And maybe others are better off without me. If I leave and no care reaches me, how am I supposed to come to a different conclusion?
Two things come to mind: when I’ve been gone, whether short or long, the messages of those missing my presence has been wonderful; and then with some, when I returned, it was like my presence didn’t matter, so that’s confusing. I’m not saying that they have to be ever so grateful for my presence but I’m saying they didn’t really acknowledge that I was there either. Secondly, when I come around, some might say that they missed me, but when I was away, or away again, I didn’t get any message from them that they want me around. I’m not saying these two are the cases with everyone; just largely this is how it’s been for me. I guess partly with me is that if I miss someone, I say it, I show it, I do my best to fully acknowledge that their presence was wanted.
Maybe I’d be better off without others. If that is true, the better off part won’t be coming for a long while.
____________________________
Crusty and I went through a rough patch. It underlay our friendship for a few years. I have a guess because I could discern a certain reaction in her over a certain thing. I don’t know for sure. What I know is that she still sought out time with me and we still had our friendship. We talked about what we could talk about. We still had laughter and good times. Yet I felt like she resented me. I’d seen what her anger could do between herself and others, so I didn’t confront her on the thing between us. I suppose I would have if we had separated for it but I can’t be sure. The feelings weren’t all good like they used to be, but I had the acts of friendship to hold onto.
We had a good patch for a time, when the underlying thing wasn’t there anymore.
And then she called me one night to make amends. By then, she didn’t know how to address it because it had been so long. I wasn’t sure anymore if my guess was in any way right. Still, she said that she knew something hadn’t been right between us and that she wanted it to be right. She apologized and said that she had forgiven me.
I acknowledged that something hadn’t been right and that I wasn’t sure what it was either. I expressed my regret and that I held nothing against her so she’s forgiven.
Life has taken us our separate ways for the most part and we’ve both grown in different areas of our faithful journeys, but when we do have occasion to be together it’s all good, she’s my Crusty.
I thank God for Crusty. I don’t exactly know what brought Crusty to call me though I suspect it had something partly to do with going through Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. Thank God that Crusty came across that when it could help her make true amends with others, because I’ve seen reconstructed bridges between her and others with whom I know she had serious difficulties. I also know that it wasn’t because the other person changed but because Crusty changed, or more precisely, the Holy Spirit changed Crusty.
That’s such a mystery, that she would tell me about what was going on with her and others even though this mysterious underlying thing was with us also. I don’t exactly know what part Kendall’s book had in our amends; maybe I should reread that.
____________________________
I suppose, perhaps, that it’s not the time for amends between me and others. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m at the end of what I know to do and try. I fear that if I just keep going along with things, that nothing will change and I’ll get sucked in to pretending that everything’s okay, that I’m okay. I’m at a time when I don’t want to be fake. I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want to masquerade. But I also see that if I am too real and honest with others, they’re not prepared to handle it either. So… I am at my end.
I feel like people expected that I would have all the answers for what I was supposed to do, that I’d have the details to the plan. That’s not how it comes.
If it seems like I’m all over the place on this, it’s because I am. I’m talking about several situations all together within which I am not at peace.
I saw Friend again recently and things were relatively at ease between us while there is something unresolved. I’m never sure how things are going to go. I’ve always been more at peace with Friend, even when we’ve argued. It’s a strange thing. I’ve always expected Friend to come back because in the past we’ve both come back.
The only part left that I’m not at peace with Friend is that I’m a little fearful of the next manifestation of our friendship. People changing and the changes in relationship that comes with that are always a bit scary. This one is scary because I know it will definitely not be the way it was before because our last argument was… different; it was like the other arguments yet different at the same time. Confused? Yeah, me too. I’m also afraid of why it won’t be the same. It’s like this might be a calm-before-the-storm type of deal. It’s sort of… it’s been long enough where we should be able to get past the past yet not long enough to have “forgotten” the past, you know what I mean? Maybe we were pretending to be at ease with each other because of the environment we were in.
Anyways, I’m just struggling through all this just like anyone else would be. I just, I am like the popular person, whom people think they’ve got it all and friends too yet who are in reality isolated and alone with no genuine friend. Look at it this way; I’m here, trying to confide stuff online instead of to an actual person where I could get actual feedback and help. I’m more honest with Apple and Keala, but I still hold back ‘cause I don’t wanna bum them out. I hold back when I post something online, even though it seems like I don't. How honest can I be here? I don't even use real names and sometimes use generic ones.
Maybe tomorrow my thought patterns will be better.
Again, I didn’t think I’d type this much. I just wanted to ask that question: Have I genuinely forgiven if I’m still hurting? And I'm wondering if I need to talk to someone whom I might have hurt even though I don't know what I might have done. Are there people out there needing to heal where I could greatly help them by showing that I care enough to make amends?
I know another one meant to apologize for something but I stopped one before it got there because it wasn’t something that I was upset about. Or at least, it didn’t affect our relationship.
It seems that people think if they’ve been forgiven, then there’s nothing to apologize for.
So I’m thinking that if I’ve been forgiven, it doesn’t mean that I can’t apologize for things that I feel poorly about. However, that would mean that I would have to feel poorly about something in order to apologize.
God can and will heal me, even if others never apologize or if they don’t express that they care. I believe that. The part that troubles is that people keep saying that they care, and then that’s it. That’s all the follow through that I get. And so I feel like I’ve made so much effort and that I’m alone.
Also, the healing could be done much easier and faster if I wasn’t alone in it.
I want others to heal also. I haven’t been doing things just for my own benefit. In the end, I wanna be able to say, with others, that we did something that glorifies God. God does move. God is personal. God is involved with us and he wants to be involved with you too. I sense that there’s a potential testimony in this situation that’s not being brought to light.
Can I forgive completely if I still hurt?
Someone tells me that they weren’t hurt. If the other wasn’t hurt, then why was there so much division? Why did they lash out? Because I have tried to take responsibility for my part in it and to make amends, but I wasn’t responsible for all of it.
I think that maybe others don’t understand what it means to hurt. Hurt isn’t just about crying or sadness. Hurt also manifests in anger and hostility. Hurt is betrayed by division and separation. My thinking is that hurt is the opposite of peace. If one’s not at peace with another, one might wanna take a look at the reason. Otherwise, it would be like war between countries over differences in like cultural or religious views, right? They just don’t like each other for no good reason. Then if that is the case between me and someone else, why should I stay?
The reason I cried in front of others was because I was hurt, yes, but more specifically I was angry. I hate being angry. Two other times when I cried in front of people were because I got to that level of anger. Despite appearances, I don’t anger easily. If I cry in public, that’s a major sign of something.
They say that it wasn’t personal. Then why have those friendships evaporated? Why was I unsupported and abandoned? Why was everything up to whatever I chose and whatever I did? I’m not talking about changes in relationships. The care I thought they had for me at one time isn’t there. I’ve been looking. I’ve been waiting. I’ve tried provoking by my actions.
I’m not talking about feeling it either because there have been times with other people when I didn’t feel cared for yet I persevered for the sake of the relationship through remembrances or occurrences of acts of care, not just feelings. This time, I’m beyond that. The memories seem like a different lifetime. For a while now, I’ve been not feeling it and the acts of care haven’t been coming either. It’s like I’m in this bubble, a vacuum and nothing reaches me. That can’t be simply on my end alone. Through all this, I’ve also been searching myself.
I’m at my end. I don’t give up easily and I don’t move on easily, but to others, that is what it will look like. Well, sometimes one just has to say that enough is enough. I’ve fought the good fight.
And maybe others are better off without me. If I leave and no care reaches me, how am I supposed to come to a different conclusion?
Two things come to mind: when I’ve been gone, whether short or long, the messages of those missing my presence has been wonderful; and then with some, when I returned, it was like my presence didn’t matter, so that’s confusing. I’m not saying that they have to be ever so grateful for my presence but I’m saying they didn’t really acknowledge that I was there either. Secondly, when I come around, some might say that they missed me, but when I was away, or away again, I didn’t get any message from them that they want me around. I’m not saying these two are the cases with everyone; just largely this is how it’s been for me. I guess partly with me is that if I miss someone, I say it, I show it, I do my best to fully acknowledge that their presence was wanted.
Maybe I’d be better off without others. If that is true, the better off part won’t be coming for a long while.
____________________________
Crusty and I went through a rough patch. It underlay our friendship for a few years. I have a guess because I could discern a certain reaction in her over a certain thing. I don’t know for sure. What I know is that she still sought out time with me and we still had our friendship. We talked about what we could talk about. We still had laughter and good times. Yet I felt like she resented me. I’d seen what her anger could do between herself and others, so I didn’t confront her on the thing between us. I suppose I would have if we had separated for it but I can’t be sure. The feelings weren’t all good like they used to be, but I had the acts of friendship to hold onto.
We had a good patch for a time, when the underlying thing wasn’t there anymore.
And then she called me one night to make amends. By then, she didn’t know how to address it because it had been so long. I wasn’t sure anymore if my guess was in any way right. Still, she said that she knew something hadn’t been right between us and that she wanted it to be right. She apologized and said that she had forgiven me.
I acknowledged that something hadn’t been right and that I wasn’t sure what it was either. I expressed my regret and that I held nothing against her so she’s forgiven.
Life has taken us our separate ways for the most part and we’ve both grown in different areas of our faithful journeys, but when we do have occasion to be together it’s all good, she’s my Crusty.
I thank God for Crusty. I don’t exactly know what brought Crusty to call me though I suspect it had something partly to do with going through Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. Thank God that Crusty came across that when it could help her make true amends with others, because I’ve seen reconstructed bridges between her and others with whom I know she had serious difficulties. I also know that it wasn’t because the other person changed but because Crusty changed, or more precisely, the Holy Spirit changed Crusty.
That’s such a mystery, that she would tell me about what was going on with her and others even though this mysterious underlying thing was with us also. I don’t exactly know what part Kendall’s book had in our amends; maybe I should reread that.
____________________________
I suppose, perhaps, that it’s not the time for amends between me and others. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m at the end of what I know to do and try. I fear that if I just keep going along with things, that nothing will change and I’ll get sucked in to pretending that everything’s okay, that I’m okay. I’m at a time when I don’t want to be fake. I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want to masquerade. But I also see that if I am too real and honest with others, they’re not prepared to handle it either. So… I am at my end.
I feel like people expected that I would have all the answers for what I was supposed to do, that I’d have the details to the plan. That’s not how it comes.
If it seems like I’m all over the place on this, it’s because I am. I’m talking about several situations all together within which I am not at peace.
I saw Friend again recently and things were relatively at ease between us while there is something unresolved. I’m never sure how things are going to go. I’ve always been more at peace with Friend, even when we’ve argued. It’s a strange thing. I’ve always expected Friend to come back because in the past we’ve both come back.
The only part left that I’m not at peace with Friend is that I’m a little fearful of the next manifestation of our friendship. People changing and the changes in relationship that comes with that are always a bit scary. This one is scary because I know it will definitely not be the way it was before because our last argument was… different; it was like the other arguments yet different at the same time. Confused? Yeah, me too. I’m also afraid of why it won’t be the same. It’s like this might be a calm-before-the-storm type of deal. It’s sort of… it’s been long enough where we should be able to get past the past yet not long enough to have “forgotten” the past, you know what I mean? Maybe we were pretending to be at ease with each other because of the environment we were in.
Anyways, I’m just struggling through all this just like anyone else would be. I just, I am like the popular person, whom people think they’ve got it all and friends too yet who are in reality isolated and alone with no genuine friend. Look at it this way; I’m here, trying to confide stuff online instead of to an actual person where I could get actual feedback and help. I’m more honest with Apple and Keala, but I still hold back ‘cause I don’t wanna bum them out. I hold back when I post something online, even though it seems like I don't. How honest can I be here? I don't even use real names and sometimes use generic ones.
Maybe tomorrow my thought patterns will be better.
Again, I didn’t think I’d type this much. I just wanted to ask that question: Have I genuinely forgiven if I’m still hurting? And I'm wondering if I need to talk to someone whom I might have hurt even though I don't know what I might have done. Are there people out there needing to heal where I could greatly help them by showing that I care enough to make amends?
Saturday, December 4, 2010
What Now?
Sigh.
I had a good bad talk. A what? You read me, a good bad talk.
I thought that I was completely alone in something. I thought that Friend was fresh and so could replace me, or replace me in what God wants accomplished. I thought Friend could do it, that there was more hope in that because Friend was untainted.
So, on the one hand, the talk was good because it was honest. It confirmed that I’m not crazy or ridiculous in what I’m seeing. I got to learn more about where Friend really is. Friend is also beginning to understand my position. I learned that Friend trusts me and has faith in me. It’s a pleasant new feeling to know that someone has faith in me.
But it was bad because… it saddened me. I have no answers to bring Friend comfort. I put my brave face on and told Friend to keep praying about it, trying to keep Friend’s heart encouraged. I’m not sure I did that. And it doesn’t seem like Friend is gonna replace me and for where Friend is, I think it’s right that Friend doesn’t.
I have to keep praying. Is this God releasing me from the call or is he saying that the call is still my responsibility and mine alone? At the moment, I can’t be sure because I want… I’m torn between the two.
Among other things, I want to be the hero. I want to champion people. I wanna come through for people. It’s not because I think I’m so great because I don’t. I just think that it’s what I’m meant to do. I think others were/ are right when they say that others need me. I’m the person for the job, but I’m not getting hired.
More things have happened to silence me. Now I must be even more careful than I already am about what I say to Friend and others. I must also be more careful about what I do. It would be such a great thing if we could be more open and honest, but that is not the case. So much could be accomplished. I know that this is hurting God. How could it not?
God, I grieve the situation with you. Whatever you would have me do, please say so. Here am I.
And God, please continue to strengthen Friend’s faith. Do not let discouragement come to Friend. Give Friend endurance and a strong foundation.
Most deeply, God, I thank you. I don’t know how I have endured all this and kept my faith. It must be you. It is you.
Mahalo for reading.
I had a good bad talk. A what? You read me, a good bad talk.
I thought that I was completely alone in something. I thought that Friend was fresh and so could replace me, or replace me in what God wants accomplished. I thought Friend could do it, that there was more hope in that because Friend was untainted.
So, on the one hand, the talk was good because it was honest. It confirmed that I’m not crazy or ridiculous in what I’m seeing. I got to learn more about where Friend really is. Friend is also beginning to understand my position. I learned that Friend trusts me and has faith in me. It’s a pleasant new feeling to know that someone has faith in me.
But it was bad because… it saddened me. I have no answers to bring Friend comfort. I put my brave face on and told Friend to keep praying about it, trying to keep Friend’s heart encouraged. I’m not sure I did that. And it doesn’t seem like Friend is gonna replace me and for where Friend is, I think it’s right that Friend doesn’t.
I have to keep praying. Is this God releasing me from the call or is he saying that the call is still my responsibility and mine alone? At the moment, I can’t be sure because I want… I’m torn between the two.
Among other things, I want to be the hero. I want to champion people. I wanna come through for people. It’s not because I think I’m so great because I don’t. I just think that it’s what I’m meant to do. I think others were/ are right when they say that others need me. I’m the person for the job, but I’m not getting hired.
More things have happened to silence me. Now I must be even more careful than I already am about what I say to Friend and others. I must also be more careful about what I do. It would be such a great thing if we could be more open and honest, but that is not the case. So much could be accomplished. I know that this is hurting God. How could it not?
God, I grieve the situation with you. Whatever you would have me do, please say so. Here am I.
And God, please continue to strengthen Friend’s faith. Do not let discouragement come to Friend. Give Friend endurance and a strong foundation.
Most deeply, God, I thank you. I don’t know how I have endured all this and kept my faith. It must be you. It is you.
Mahalo for reading.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Here’s the Long of It
[First birthday; I suppose it was happy]This is a new strange for me. I will be having something in place of my birthday about a month and a half after my actual birthday.
Let’s see, my non-annual non-birthday birthday gatherings and other nonsensities have gone like this:
My 18th birthday was spent away from home. Mom’s cousin and her family, whom I hadn’t known until a month earlier, learned that it was my birthday and being away from home, they were very sweet in surprising me with dinner and presents.
[The card from the studio guys; this kine stuff is really all I need]My 19th birthday, also away from home, the studio guys and a few other people got me cards.
My 21st, I planned dinner at Waimalu, one of my family’s favorite places to eat. My birthday was on a Tues, but dinner was on the Sunday after. It was great because about 20 people came. My 21 co-workers, whom I had started working with a couple months before, brought me a bottle of 99 Bananas, which took years to be rid of after. Some people at church had been invited somewhat last minute and several came anyway which was wonderful, even stopping somewhere to get me gifts. It sucked because that was a turning point in Hatchet becoming my ex-friend [a label I take very seriously; I should have said that she chose to become my ex-friend].
My 22nd was with Wrestler. I watched his soccer game, they lost :( . Then he presented me with one of those gigantic paper roses and took me out to dinner- Italian! :)
____________________________
My 24th is the infamous birthday that started the official non-birthday gatherings. I had considered it my 24K Gold birthday, but turned out it was made of pyrite instead.
The actual day was a weekend and the UH Warriors had a football game- great! We planned for going to the game and to the club after.
Before the game, we got a call from Apple, saying that she was driving home from the windward side and too tired to go to the game. So I drove from home on the west side, all the way to town by the U where Apple lived, and brought her to the game in the middle. The boys weren’t into football, not even for me, not even for my birthday [not since Handsome have I been able to get the guys to go to a game with me; I miss Handsome]. So Apple, Crusty, Joyful and I enjoyed ourselves at the game- I believe we won.
Then we went to Apple’s for the rest interval. I got a call from Oreo. He wanted to join us to the club but didn’t want to show up by himself but didn’t think his girlfriend would come because she thought that we didn’t like her no matter how much I told him that wasn’t the case and to bring her…. It went back and forth like that for several minutes and I just ran out of patience for that kind of stuff quickly. Apple said she didn’t want to drive to pick him up. I said that it was my birthday, I’d done enough driving earlier, I wasn’t going to backtrack again to pick him up by the h.s. and then go to Waikiki. I told him he could meet us there with or without his gf or don’t come at all, goodbye. And I hung up.
I don’t usually hang up on people but I’d had enough. I know, I’m cruel and worse yet when the other person is as sensitive as Oreo can be. *sigh. And certain people wanted us to date. … For me at times, it’s cruelty by honesty rather than cruelty by false niceties. And, we had always been friendly with his gf; she was the possessive one that didn’t want him hanging out with us.
While I had been on the phone with Oreo, Apple got a call from Sexy. I hung up with Oreo and we waited for Sexy to call back again. When she did, it was bad news: Sexy had just seen her aunty cheating on her uncle. Sexy was distraught and crying, but decided to be tough. I told her she didn’t have to come out that night but she said it was my birthday [thank you, Sexy! Finally someone recognizing this!] and she said she was coming out so she’s coming.
We went to the club, but I don’t remember much about that. We moved on to a less crowded bar. I drove with Apple. Sexy met us with Wee. We had a good time at the bar, even though we were there for only half an hour.
We got to the parking lot in time to see Sexy’s car being hitched up for a tow. It didn’t seem to me like she had parked in a towaway. Sexy and Wee pleaded with the guy and ended up paying to get unhitched. Sexy gave me a present of Russian water and went home. I felt terrible.
[From the redo]A month later, we did a redo, which also ended up sucking on the point that Apple and Sexy couldn’t make it to dinner. It was still better than the original night because Handsome came! Oh, and the boys, and some friends from church, and Brien from studio.
And that is the birthday gone horribly wrong that scarred me.
____________________________
To continue…
My 25th, the Quarter of a Century birthday, was very quiet and small. Apple was going to take Sexy to dinner for her birthday [which is a few days before mine] on my actual birthday, so we combined. It was Apple, Sexy, MadScientist and I at Big City. So it was the actual day, but technically we went to celebrate Sexy, so I still don’t really count that as one of my own. I was still in recovery from the previous year I suppose.
My 26th, I was away from home again. On the actual day, I had a pleasant lunch with an old friend, but I hadn’t told him it was my birthday so I don’t really count it. My roommate found out a little late [in me being shy and reluctant to tell] but gave me a gc to Victoria’s Secret. Who doesn’t love getting spoiled? I think he found out because of the suspicious look of the cards I was getting in the mail.
Then nothing except family dinners for #27-29.
[Happy present from Apple this year]I celebrated my 30th [celebrating three decades of life on the outside] about a week early to coincide with Trace visiting and before Apple leaving. I invited anyone I could. Crusty had hers the same day, so I went to hers first and some people also came to mine later. An event that had been on hold was rescheduled for the same night, after I had sent out my invitations, [with other points] leading to my disappointment in some. However, most of the main people were there and it was a good night.
____________________________
[Early present from Chemist this year]And then nothing, not even family dinner until this year, which is, I repeat, 6 weeks after the actual day. I was in a mood. I wanted to spend it happy with someone whom I knew to care, but I didn’t call him and crapped out with another friend because I knew he would choose something else, though to be fair, I didn't say what it was for or why, and then I didn't want to.... Few days before the actual, I expressed to some people what I wanted and why, trying to have a good attitude and do something on the actual, yet they chose the something else also, so that dampened my good attitude. I wanted to go climbing but was stressed out then lazy about planning it. Two key people I wanted to include were/are going on trips. All that adds up to a very late gathering.
I still don’t want to have dinner at all but have long learned that even though it’s my birthday, the dinner is less about me and more about those who care about me, thanking them for another year with me.
[I look good for thirty-cough, right?]Yet, I am very apprehensive this year because of affections. I thought writing this, I'd remember a really good birthday and be more hopeful. I think I probably won’t do anything next year, despite what I’ve learned in the past. It hardly seems worth it anymore. Or maybe I’m worn. The last two birthdays were “good” on one point that I no longer have. Yes, I’m whining, though some things would mean so much to me and I’m all for celebrating others then when it’s me, I’m simply tired of expecting. I'm tired of being let down and clearly I have reason for it. Usually, I can adjust to something going wrong, but not anymore for something like this. If this, even though late, dinner doesn't go well, .... Tell me that I cannot cancel this year’s dinner!
To think that my last entirely happy birthday with nothing gone wrong [except for my spiritual state] and only good was with Wrestler... makes me sad. I made no fuss about my birthday, he made all the arrangements and was like a good bf. That was a long, long time ago. I want this sadness to change.
Anyways, on that note, I’m posting my birthday list since it has already passed and I barely care anymore either way:
Jewelry organizer: more so for my necklaces and braceletsElfquest Graphic Novel 6: The Secret of Two-Edge
Elfquest Graphic Novel 7: The Cry From Beyond
Elfquest Graphic Novel 8: Kings of the Broken Wheel
Gift certificates from: Nordstrom, Lowe’s,
....Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Best Buy, Express,
....iTunes, Ala Moana/ Ward Centers,
....Victoria’s Secret, Charlotte Russe,
....Arden B., Legos, Showers of Blessings Bookstore,
....Bella Beads
TWLOHA shirtA hat
Glow stars [mega galaxy box from Spencer’s]
Lemon drops
Nikon D90 [though I’d settle for a D60]
Hiking shoes
Vapur bottles
White Jasmine tea
Books
A Fossil Watch
Trip to Hilo
Season tickets to UH Volleyball
Swim time
Tabora print
A globe
Orchids
Owls
Bettas
Shoes designed by Carlos Santana
Bus pass
Trip to see Chulo
A new comfortable bike seat [it’s way overdue]
Goodies from Big Island Candies
A guava cake from Liliha
Wet Okole seat covers
A small backpack [maybe from T&C] for hiking
$10 donations to East Bay Habitat for Humanity, Hawaiian Humane Society, Hawaii Foodbank, or Focus on the Family.
And that was definitely the long of it. The end.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Untitled [10.20.2010]
No matter what, some stuff just suck.
Like voided friendships.
Like making a promise to someone and then having it not matter to them whether I break it or not.
Like letting people know by words and deeds how much they mean to me and having them erase me from their life. Or worse yet, having them keep me as their FB friend for appearances, in order to not raise any suspicions. It’s worse than having someone be honest in rejecting my friend request.
Like being able to walk away and have friends not care enough to stop me.
Like missing my sisters being here.
Like dishonesty or lacking the ability to be honest.
Like people thinking they’re a genius when this makes them an idiot instead.
Like misunderstandings and stubbornness.
Like people not recognizing their own faults and weaknesses, then getting upset when I bring one to their attention. It doesn’t matter how much I did or didn’t wrap it in love.
Like spoiled people pretending to have unspoiled airs.
Like being blamed for something I didn’t do, or being blamed because of what someone else did.
Like not being able to depend on those I should be able to depend upon.
Like people thinking that gossip is true.
Like people believing the worst about me.
Like people unable to see the best in me.
Like people not caring.
Like being expendable.
Like this post.
Like voided friendships.
Like making a promise to someone and then having it not matter to them whether I break it or not.
Like letting people know by words and deeds how much they mean to me and having them erase me from their life. Or worse yet, having them keep me as their FB friend for appearances, in order to not raise any suspicions. It’s worse than having someone be honest in rejecting my friend request.
Like being able to walk away and have friends not care enough to stop me.
Like missing my sisters being here.
Like dishonesty or lacking the ability to be honest.
Like people thinking they’re a genius when this makes them an idiot instead.
Like misunderstandings and stubbornness.
Like people not recognizing their own faults and weaknesses, then getting upset when I bring one to their attention. It doesn’t matter how much I did or didn’t wrap it in love.
Like spoiled people pretending to have unspoiled airs.
Like being blamed for something I didn’t do, or being blamed because of what someone else did.
Like not being able to depend on those I should be able to depend upon.
Like people thinking that gossip is true.
Like people believing the worst about me.
Like people unable to see the best in me.
Like people not caring.
Like being expendable.
Like this post.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
To Help the Weak
Acts 20: 32-38
[25] “Now I know that none of you among whom I have gone about preaching the kingdom will ever see me again. [26] Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of all men. [27] For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. [28] Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. [29] I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. [30] Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. [31] So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears.
[32] “Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified. [33] I have not coveted anyone’s silver or gold or clothing. [34] You yourselves know that these hands of mine have supplied my own needs and the needs of my companions. [35] In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
[36] When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. [37] They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. [38] What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship.
[Emphasis mine].
I am no Paul. I do not aspire to be Paul. I do aspire to do God’s work as fervently and obediently as Paul did, but I’m not quite there yet; I’m on my way.
Previous entry, I praised Hope Chapel West O‘ahu for its spirit of obedience to God which was manifest in its excellent and unified production of the Equip & Inspire 2010 Conference. I gave many reasons why I would love to attend HC WO.
And here are the reasons why I won’t be attending HC WO: because it does not need my help.
My home church of KUC, the church in which I “grew up,” is unhealthy throughout. I cannot know for sure but from what I can observe, there are few healthy parts in the church. I love my home church because it has been a home for me, but that is not why I stay. I am staying with KUC because I want to be there when God does his amazing healing work through her. When that happens, I want to be able to fully celebrate with the Body of Christ because I did my part. In Matthew 9:12, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” My church is sick.
Years ago, I got a deep cut on my leg. It was bleeding so much that it took awhile to clean it enough to put the gauze over it, then it bled through the gauze for several days. When the bleeding slowed and I peeked under the gauze, I could see the layer of meat under the skin. The doctor said that if I had gone to the ER when the cut happened, they could have stitched it up so that it would heal with a less obvious scar. The thing is, all the ER could have done was stitch up the cut; they couldn’t heal the cut. The healing came from the body doing its thing. As a Christian, I believe that God designed me; my body got its healing program and equipment from God.
Now, my body will heal itself whether I believe in Christ or not. Christ is the doctor in the ER. He can give us the best possible chance of healing well. There will still be a scar as a reminder of the healing, but it will be a less obvious scar to people looking in from the outside.
I am a part of the Body at my church. I believe that I am a healthy part of the body, because healthiness comes from the state of my personal relationship with God, which I believe is healthy at the moment. The sick part of the Body will not heal if its healthy parts are cut off or detach themselves.
Back to the passage from Acts. Paul was saying a farewell to the elders of the church at Ephesus. It was in part encouragement to carry on in the work of the Lord in verses 25-27 [and 22-24 leading in], as Paul shows them his resolve for how he will be continuing in the Lord’s work no matter what hardships are coming his way. In verses 28 to 31, Paul is telling them how they ought to carry on, by keeping watch over themselves and the flock, being on their guard, and keeping to the truth. Verses 32 to 34 is about commissioning them to do God’s work and a reminder of how God will provide for them to do the work, as God has provided for Paul to do the work. Verse 35 is a reminder of what work to do and why. At least, this is how I read the passage.
Verse 35 really sums up why I am staying with KUC through the tough process of healing. I believe that my part is simply to help the weak build or strengthen their faith; and then as that happens, we’ll go out together to give to others, passing it on. HC WO is hundreds strong; KUC is, from what I can discern, maybe not quite yet at its first hundred.
Verses 36 to 38 is the picture of how a healthy church lets go of someone who’s been a leader for it but has been called on to somewhere else. To be honest, KUC is not very good at this. This is how I would like to leave a church or ministry: having it cry in missing me but letting me go in peace, rather than crying in relief and kicking me out the door or crying in utter grief and letting me go because they despair. This is my thinking anyway.
____________________________
That is the main reason I’m staying with KUC, that God is calling me to be about the work of healing at KUC.
Location or distance doesn’t matter to me because wherever God calls me to is the right location. Yes, my mom is at KUC but she only cares that I go to a church; she doesn’t care if it is KUC or not [and I am not in the habit of doing what my mom wants me to… ;) ]. I don’t care if family or friends are there or not because I will find friends wherever I go; God has proven faithful in this area. I will have no shortage of opportunities to serve Christ at KUC; there is a lot to be done.
In terms of God’s calling, I belong at KUC, but otherwise, church attendance for me isn’t about belonging but of making others feel like they belong. God has given me an interesting gift of constant discomfort that allows me to take a step outside of my very small comfort zone and gives me a desire to see to the discomfort of others rather than focus on my own [I mean, I have my moments, then the Holy Spirit nudges me into action]. My friends left years ago and I returned to KUC, I am still with KUC. I've visited other churches, sometimes there for a month or two, some very appealing to me, and they weren't where I needed to be; I needed to be with KUC.
As to growth, God has also given me an explorer’s nature. I’m looking for the next step. I seek out what I want to know and since I desire to grow spiritually, I seek it out. If I can’t find help through the church [which has generally been my case with KUC; I’m not saying that KUC lacks helpful resources for anyone], I read books, look up stuff on the internet, visit with other groups, listen or watch out for what others are doing, listen to podcasts, etc.- whatever it takes. I seek out the advice of those who seem to have the walk down. I am deliberate with my faith; I ought to know about my faith.
And as to ease… I am not fooled into thinking that the Christian life ought to be easy. That’s a lie. The Christian life is difficult. If one wants to grow in Christ, one ought to expect uneasiness; growth comes no other way. It is at times to go lonely or to go unrecognized. I’m fairly certain that no one in the Bible said, “Farewell! I’m off to go party and rejoice with more fellow Christians!” Paul said that hardships were waiting for him in the Lord’s work [Acts 20:23]. James gives encouragement for the promise of blessings through trials and temptations [James 1: 2-12]. If the Christian life was easy, the Bible wouldn’t be so full of warnings and encouragements. Because people do not understand me now does not mean that they never will understand me; I must keep moving forward with my eyes on the Lord.
So, to sum up, I am at KUC because God has called me to be there. It’s not about anyone else. It’s not about me. It’s not about any excuses I can come up with. It’s not about seeking a church that conforms to what I want or what I need.
It’s about what God wants and he will provide what I need.
[25] “Now I know that none of you among whom I have gone about preaching the kingdom will ever see me again. [26] Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of all men. [27] For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. [28] Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. [29] I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. [30] Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. [31] So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears.
[32] “Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified. [33] I have not coveted anyone’s silver or gold or clothing. [34] You yourselves know that these hands of mine have supplied my own needs and the needs of my companions. [35] In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
[36] When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. [37] They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. [38] What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship.
[Emphasis mine].
I am no Paul. I do not aspire to be Paul. I do aspire to do God’s work as fervently and obediently as Paul did, but I’m not quite there yet; I’m on my way.
Previous entry, I praised Hope Chapel West O‘ahu for its spirit of obedience to God which was manifest in its excellent and unified production of the Equip & Inspire 2010 Conference. I gave many reasons why I would love to attend HC WO.
And here are the reasons why I won’t be attending HC WO: because it does not need my help.
My home church of KUC, the church in which I “grew up,” is unhealthy throughout. I cannot know for sure but from what I can observe, there are few healthy parts in the church. I love my home church because it has been a home for me, but that is not why I stay. I am staying with KUC because I want to be there when God does his amazing healing work through her. When that happens, I want to be able to fully celebrate with the Body of Christ because I did my part. In Matthew 9:12, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” My church is sick.
Years ago, I got a deep cut on my leg. It was bleeding so much that it took awhile to clean it enough to put the gauze over it, then it bled through the gauze for several days. When the bleeding slowed and I peeked under the gauze, I could see the layer of meat under the skin. The doctor said that if I had gone to the ER when the cut happened, they could have stitched it up so that it would heal with a less obvious scar. The thing is, all the ER could have done was stitch up the cut; they couldn’t heal the cut. The healing came from the body doing its thing. As a Christian, I believe that God designed me; my body got its healing program and equipment from God.
Now, my body will heal itself whether I believe in Christ or not. Christ is the doctor in the ER. He can give us the best possible chance of healing well. There will still be a scar as a reminder of the healing, but it will be a less obvious scar to people looking in from the outside.
I am a part of the Body at my church. I believe that I am a healthy part of the body, because healthiness comes from the state of my personal relationship with God, which I believe is healthy at the moment. The sick part of the Body will not heal if its healthy parts are cut off or detach themselves.
Back to the passage from Acts. Paul was saying a farewell to the elders of the church at Ephesus. It was in part encouragement to carry on in the work of the Lord in verses 25-27 [and 22-24 leading in], as Paul shows them his resolve for how he will be continuing in the Lord’s work no matter what hardships are coming his way. In verses 28 to 31, Paul is telling them how they ought to carry on, by keeping watch over themselves and the flock, being on their guard, and keeping to the truth. Verses 32 to 34 is about commissioning them to do God’s work and a reminder of how God will provide for them to do the work, as God has provided for Paul to do the work. Verse 35 is a reminder of what work to do and why. At least, this is how I read the passage.
Verse 35 really sums up why I am staying with KUC through the tough process of healing. I believe that my part is simply to help the weak build or strengthen their faith; and then as that happens, we’ll go out together to give to others, passing it on. HC WO is hundreds strong; KUC is, from what I can discern, maybe not quite yet at its first hundred.
Verses 36 to 38 is the picture of how a healthy church lets go of someone who’s been a leader for it but has been called on to somewhere else. To be honest, KUC is not very good at this. This is how I would like to leave a church or ministry: having it cry in missing me but letting me go in peace, rather than crying in relief and kicking me out the door or crying in utter grief and letting me go because they despair. This is my thinking anyway.
____________________________
That is the main reason I’m staying with KUC, that God is calling me to be about the work of healing at KUC.
Location or distance doesn’t matter to me because wherever God calls me to is the right location. Yes, my mom is at KUC but she only cares that I go to a church; she doesn’t care if it is KUC or not [and I am not in the habit of doing what my mom wants me to… ;) ]. I don’t care if family or friends are there or not because I will find friends wherever I go; God has proven faithful in this area. I will have no shortage of opportunities to serve Christ at KUC; there is a lot to be done.
In terms of God’s calling, I belong at KUC, but otherwise, church attendance for me isn’t about belonging but of making others feel like they belong. God has given me an interesting gift of constant discomfort that allows me to take a step outside of my very small comfort zone and gives me a desire to see to the discomfort of others rather than focus on my own [I mean, I have my moments, then the Holy Spirit nudges me into action]. My friends left years ago and I returned to KUC, I am still with KUC. I've visited other churches, sometimes there for a month or two, some very appealing to me, and they weren't where I needed to be; I needed to be with KUC.
As to growth, God has also given me an explorer’s nature. I’m looking for the next step. I seek out what I want to know and since I desire to grow spiritually, I seek it out. If I can’t find help through the church [which has generally been my case with KUC; I’m not saying that KUC lacks helpful resources for anyone], I read books, look up stuff on the internet, visit with other groups, listen or watch out for what others are doing, listen to podcasts, etc.- whatever it takes. I seek out the advice of those who seem to have the walk down. I am deliberate with my faith; I ought to know about my faith.
And as to ease… I am not fooled into thinking that the Christian life ought to be easy. That’s a lie. The Christian life is difficult. If one wants to grow in Christ, one ought to expect uneasiness; growth comes no other way. It is at times to go lonely or to go unrecognized. I’m fairly certain that no one in the Bible said, “Farewell! I’m off to go party and rejoice with more fellow Christians!” Paul said that hardships were waiting for him in the Lord’s work [Acts 20:23]. James gives encouragement for the promise of blessings through trials and temptations [James 1: 2-12]. If the Christian life was easy, the Bible wouldn’t be so full of warnings and encouragements. Because people do not understand me now does not mean that they never will understand me; I must keep moving forward with my eyes on the Lord.
So, to sum up, I am at KUC because God has called me to be there. It’s not about anyone else. It’s not about me. It’s not about any excuses I can come up with. It’s not about seeking a church that conforms to what I want or what I need.
It’s about what God wants and he will provide what I need.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
It’s Not About What I Want
I want to quit.
In the area of God’s current call on me, I am still frustrated. It hasn’t changed: work with young adults, guide the young adults, and build a ministry for young adults.
Whether I do quit or not, I will face negative consequences with humans. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
Only I sense the Holy Spirit telling me that Christ endured worse, for our sake. Christ calls someone to follow Him, regardless of preparation, regardless of circumstance, regardless of reputation, regardless of family ties and friendships. God is the only one I need and the only one that ultimately matters.
Yet, I’m frustrated with God as well. I’m not expecting the full plan, but neither do I know what the next step is to be. Or I can’t seem to discern it, if he’s already telling me what it is.
On the one hand, I’m resigning myself to the idea that God often doesn’t make sense. He may have called me to do this thing and I may have to do it alone, which doesn’t make sense because what he wants me to do is for others. Doing it with others, that might just be my own desire. On the other hand, my vision of what he wants makes sense as to where he has led me and the possible why. Yet I can’t seem to go that way, so again it doesn’t make sense.
I’m tired of making the effort. I’m tired of trying to do the “mature thing.” I’m tired of being met by the same people to no overflow, no outcome, no purpose, full of vain effort.
Each time I’ve been a step away from quitting, God has brought others to tell me not to, to pray over me. This time is no exception.
Knowing what I know, how can I turn back now?
Is this too much for me?
If I break one more time, will it be the end?
How much more can he take away from me?
Why give me a moment’s joy, to build up my faith, and then take the joy away?
I feel left behind. I feel invisible. I feel like I’m upside down. I feel like I’m being held back. I feel too seriously. I feel unbalanced. I feel not understood. I feel uncared for, that it doesn’t matter to try to be understood anymore if the other does not care. I feel like I've already proven myself only to no recognition whatsoever, to no useful end. I feel like I’m in the dark.
I don’t want to feel any more.
It’s true and it’s not true.
I don’t want to disappoint and yet I don’t know how to succeed.
Now that I have that off my chest………….
In the area of God’s current call on me, I am still frustrated. It hasn’t changed: work with young adults, guide the young adults, and build a ministry for young adults.
Whether I do quit or not, I will face negative consequences with humans. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
Only I sense the Holy Spirit telling me that Christ endured worse, for our sake. Christ calls someone to follow Him, regardless of preparation, regardless of circumstance, regardless of reputation, regardless of family ties and friendships. God is the only one I need and the only one that ultimately matters.
Yet, I’m frustrated with God as well. I’m not expecting the full plan, but neither do I know what the next step is to be. Or I can’t seem to discern it, if he’s already telling me what it is.
On the one hand, I’m resigning myself to the idea that God often doesn’t make sense. He may have called me to do this thing and I may have to do it alone, which doesn’t make sense because what he wants me to do is for others. Doing it with others, that might just be my own desire. On the other hand, my vision of what he wants makes sense as to where he has led me and the possible why. Yet I can’t seem to go that way, so again it doesn’t make sense.
I’m tired of making the effort. I’m tired of trying to do the “mature thing.” I’m tired of being met by the same people to no overflow, no outcome, no purpose, full of vain effort.
Each time I’ve been a step away from quitting, God has brought others to tell me not to, to pray over me. This time is no exception.
Knowing what I know, how can I turn back now?
Is this too much for me?
If I break one more time, will it be the end?
How much more can he take away from me?
Why give me a moment’s joy, to build up my faith, and then take the joy away?
I feel left behind. I feel invisible. I feel like I’m upside down. I feel like I’m being held back. I feel too seriously. I feel unbalanced. I feel not understood. I feel uncared for, that it doesn’t matter to try to be understood anymore if the other does not care. I feel like I've already proven myself only to no recognition whatsoever, to no useful end. I feel like I’m in the dark.
I don’t want to feel any more.
It’s true and it’s not true.
I don’t want to disappoint and yet I don’t know how to succeed.
Now that I have that off my chest………….
Monday, September 6, 2010
What We Don't Talk About
A tough part about living with anxiety/depression is the toll it can take on loved ones and one’s relationships. It’s an ugly circumstance. It’s the main reason why I keep people at a distance. It’s a big part of why I’ve sabotaged possibilities and kept mostly single. It’s a huge factor in why I’ve held back in God’s call on me, why I don’t want to do any ministry alone.
So… this past weekend, I hit a rough spot. I took down most of the pictures. They reminded me of “happier” times. They reminded me that I don’t really have anyone I can… reach out to in my time of need. The pictures still up are of Apple and Crusty because I know they love me.
It’s not that people wouldn’t lift me up if they had known that’s what I would need. It’s more that… how can I ask so much of someone? It can be very ugly and scary to face; what I’ve written in this journal is barely half of it. I suppose I only write about it here because it’s a record of my having existed without really burdening others, maybe someday it will be something that helps one other person, I don’t know.
I don’t want to be the person that brings people down. I want to bring people up. This doesn’t bring people up. Part of the fight is that this condition has an effect on how much I think I can do for others; I’m fighting to be able to be a strong positive force for others. A friend says it’s possible that I could be mildly bipolar. This fight could last my lifetime, I’ve been suspecting so.
And sometimes I need more lifting up than Apple or Trace can do from thousands of miles away. My group is scattered and taking care of their families. I haven’t found a new group to rally around me in care. Sometimes all it would take is a hug or distraction moments or spending time with someone of whom I’m assured of their love for me… but how can I ask it? And how can I ask it when I haven’t done much for them?
It’s hard. It’s not something I really want others to know about. A few lines of Jem’s “You Will Make It” helps to describe what it can be like: Helping hands but you push them away/How could they understand/ don’t wanna share your pain. Several times already, I’ve heard people say things about someone else being emo, and I know they didn’t mean harm by what they were saying, yet I cringe a little when I hear such things [why I generally avoid gossip].
A good sign though is that in this recent… bout, I took steps to reach out to a friend I adore. I figured this friend always makes me feel valued, always makes me smile and I wouldn’t have to talk about anything real. And besides, I haven’t seen much of Friend this entire year. *Sigh. Friend didn’t pick up, I left a message, but by the time Friend called back, I was… gone.
*Sigh. This past year has been so rough.
Don’t misunderstand. In a strange, twisted way, continuing to survive these dark moments has been a testament to myself that God is real and that he loves me. This is the reason why I’ll say that I’ve always sensed that God exists, because I’ve lived with this thing as long and as young as I can remember. If I had not sensed his presence from the beginning, I don’t know that I would still be here. If God is a hoax, a figment of the imagination, if there isn’t an entity bigger than all of us and of complete goodness, then I really don’t have a reason for why I am still here. Through this, God has formed in me a huge love for others. It’s helped me understand how he is all I need but that he also didn’t form me to live in a vacuum.
I am not saying that those who “didn’t make it” could have been saved by a faith in God, that if only they had believed…. This is part of my story. I’ve had two good friends of faith who didn’t make it and I can’t speak intelligently about why that happened. I miss my friends.
If I don't make it, it will not have been my faith or my God that failed me.
So I don’t know what I’m going to do about the next time I need someone.
Hmmm…the end.
So… this past weekend, I hit a rough spot. I took down most of the pictures. They reminded me of “happier” times. They reminded me that I don’t really have anyone I can… reach out to in my time of need. The pictures still up are of Apple and Crusty because I know they love me.
It’s not that people wouldn’t lift me up if they had known that’s what I would need. It’s more that… how can I ask so much of someone? It can be very ugly and scary to face; what I’ve written in this journal is barely half of it. I suppose I only write about it here because it’s a record of my having existed without really burdening others, maybe someday it will be something that helps one other person, I don’t know.
I don’t want to be the person that brings people down. I want to bring people up. This doesn’t bring people up. Part of the fight is that this condition has an effect on how much I think I can do for others; I’m fighting to be able to be a strong positive force for others. A friend says it’s possible that I could be mildly bipolar. This fight could last my lifetime, I’ve been suspecting so.
And sometimes I need more lifting up than Apple or Trace can do from thousands of miles away. My group is scattered and taking care of their families. I haven’t found a new group to rally around me in care. Sometimes all it would take is a hug or distraction moments or spending time with someone of whom I’m assured of their love for me… but how can I ask it? And how can I ask it when I haven’t done much for them?
It’s hard. It’s not something I really want others to know about. A few lines of Jem’s “You Will Make It” helps to describe what it can be like: Helping hands but you push them away/How could they understand/ don’t wanna share your pain. Several times already, I’ve heard people say things about someone else being emo, and I know they didn’t mean harm by what they were saying, yet I cringe a little when I hear such things [why I generally avoid gossip].
A good sign though is that in this recent… bout, I took steps to reach out to a friend I adore. I figured this friend always makes me feel valued, always makes me smile and I wouldn’t have to talk about anything real. And besides, I haven’t seen much of Friend this entire year. *Sigh. Friend didn’t pick up, I left a message, but by the time Friend called back, I was… gone.
*Sigh. This past year has been so rough.
Don’t misunderstand. In a strange, twisted way, continuing to survive these dark moments has been a testament to myself that God is real and that he loves me. This is the reason why I’ll say that I’ve always sensed that God exists, because I’ve lived with this thing as long and as young as I can remember. If I had not sensed his presence from the beginning, I don’t know that I would still be here. If God is a hoax, a figment of the imagination, if there isn’t an entity bigger than all of us and of complete goodness, then I really don’t have a reason for why I am still here. Through this, God has formed in me a huge love for others. It’s helped me understand how he is all I need but that he also didn’t form me to live in a vacuum.
I am not saying that those who “didn’t make it” could have been saved by a faith in God, that if only they had believed…. This is part of my story. I’ve had two good friends of faith who didn’t make it and I can’t speak intelligently about why that happened. I miss my friends.
If I don't make it, it will not have been my faith or my God that failed me.
So I don’t know what I’m going to do about the next time I need someone.
Hmmm…the end.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
It Certainly Feels Like Disaster
I don’t know what this is.
I suppose I have a different idea of friendship than some of the people around me these days. I guess I think that people shouldn’t have to keep saying “we’re friends.” I don’t usually need to hear it or have people profess it in front of a group; I tend to go by acts or gestures of friendship. I think I used to do well in figuring out someone’s “friend language” and then implementing it, but then maybe I was fooling myself into thinking so.
In my past experiences, I’ve never had someone tell me that I need to put in years of time with them before I’m “in.” I’ve never had that happen after I’ve already been around for years. I’ve never met more skeptical people before- actually, that might not be true depending on how I would describe my Berkeley friends. I’ve never been so disrespected or uncared for before.
I’ve never felt so invisible before.
No! I wanted to talk about good things. I wanted to focus on the good in people.
____________________________
So, stories. Illustrations.
I was not-seriously shopping with Fist last year. While she was trying on a top, I spotted this beautiful yellow blouse. They had it in my size so I tried it on… and it looked good. I finally decided to buy it because it was on sale, I rarely find clothes that I would love wearing, and more so because I’ve been thinking about building up a business wardrobe which this shirt would fit.
Fist stood in front of me to buy her top. Just before she steps up to the register, she slyly takes the shirt out of my hands and bought it for me. “I didn’t get you a [birthday] present,” she says. : ) I don’t think I’ve ever had someone do that for me before. I wear the shirt VERY OFTEN… and it still looks good on me.
Even when I worked a lot, I tend to be careful about money, of which I haven’t had much in a while. Still, I try to have enough or extra money when I go out. Polar and Monkey, they treated me to things a lot in the past. Polar is known to be generous; he’s a giver, everyone knows that. Monkey is more subtle in his ways. What I appreciate most about how Monkey would offer to pay for me is that he would do it so that I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I don’t embarrass easily anyway, but he cared about that. I think I was short of cash twice but with these guys around, no one would know it.
So Squeaks tells me that I cannot leave the group because she won’t have it. I went to an event for her; the first thing out of her mouth when we hugged was to ask after my Dad. I wrote previously that Polar’s telling me not to leave the group and that Broke sought out time with me & Fist. Shades always gives me a genuine hug, especially times when I’m down. Before I took a break, Pineapple requested that I don’t stay away too long; he even called to ask if I’d go to the event for Squeaks because he wanted his friends [of which he includes me] around. Brawl [formerly known as “Marshmallow”] inquired of my return and when we’re playing “Brawl,” he encourages me to play even though I’m terrible at it- he makes the game fun for me and makes me included.
One time, I ended up being the only girl having dinner with the guys. While mostly the guys talked amongst themselves about stuff I don’t understand, Tenor would make small conversation with me here and there. He’s good about acknowledging people’s presence, making them feel like a part of the outing. I don’t feel so invisible when he’s around.
I think I’m writing this to remind myself.
I don’t have an answer for those who’ve said they don’t want me to leave. They’re not the whole group. I usually don’t care if I’m comfortable with people or not; I’ll make a go of whatever situation, sometimes even if I don’t want to. I’d get to know people, try to make friends… but what if it seems like I couldn’t get anywhere with certain people? For now I’m still rather exhausted from previous tries. I’m gun-shy. I’m not used to putting so much effort into friendships. I still feel like I’m on one side and they’re all on the other, or some are trying to straddle the fence but are mostly on the other side for degree of loyalties. I’m concerned because this time it upsets mutual friends and some have been asking me questions about it so I wonder sometimes, am I the problem? They were getting on well before I came along, right? They still do when I’m not there? Or is it that I’m the one who’s willing to be honest with them even if it hurts? What if they don’t want such honesty? Someone who’s gonna say the tough stuff? Lately, I mostly feel like I bring everyone down, that I ruin their good time.
Why is the negative so much easier?
All of their good acts meant something to me. I’ve given so much benefit of the doubt yet I still need to call things as I see them. I feel like I’ve been allowed no benefit of the doubt at all. Someone says I need to trust them. What I wanted to say back: where were they when I needed their trust? I held back a lot.
I feel like the 2+ years I spent with the group as a whole doesn’t mean anything. Well, what did I do for them in that time? Not much, I guess. Maybe they’re justified. At least I provided entertainment for them a few times. I’m Boo Radley. Not that I look down at Boo ‘cause he was my favorite character in the story, but he is quite a lonely character, isn’t he?
2 years and they don’t know me at all.
Am I crazy? Do I just not know what friendship is?
____________________________
I know, I’m rambling.
I miss a lot of things.
I miss looking over at Monkey and thinking that we’re smiling at the same joke. It’s difficult looking over now and thinking I’m seeing a stranger. I have no guess at what he’s thinking.
I miss my sisters. I think I’ll go visiting very soon.
Another meaningful moment-
The group decided to go out to eat after working an event, as they usually do. I was going because someone was my ride home, though I was having difficulties with others who were going. It looked like I was going to be in a lonesome and uncomfortable situation considering the individuals going but I said I’d be okay, I’m an adult. Still, instead of going home and curing their exhaustion right away, Shades and Squeaks came along for my sake.
I love Shades and Squeaks. I can wholeheartedly, honestly, proudly say that they’re my friends and I am theirs.
Do I have a point to this in some near future? I don’t know. Friend-wise, I remain at a loss at the moment. What to do about that? I have absolutely no idea. I’m not even sure it would matter if I did. I’m trying, but each experience is unique and this one, I have no clue what to do.
All I asked for recently was respect. Not an intimate friendship with each person. Respect, because I believe I have been disrespected for a long time and that is why I pulled away.
I just can’t relax.
It doesn’t feel like any of it was real.
I could go on with good stories about these specific people, yet they seemed to have happened long ago and sometimes with different people. I regret not having so much stories to tell of recent times.
I suppose I have a different idea of friendship than some of the people around me these days. I guess I think that people shouldn’t have to keep saying “we’re friends.” I don’t usually need to hear it or have people profess it in front of a group; I tend to go by acts or gestures of friendship. I think I used to do well in figuring out someone’s “friend language” and then implementing it, but then maybe I was fooling myself into thinking so.
In my past experiences, I’ve never had someone tell me that I need to put in years of time with them before I’m “in.” I’ve never had that happen after I’ve already been around for years. I’ve never met more skeptical people before- actually, that might not be true depending on how I would describe my Berkeley friends. I’ve never been so disrespected or uncared for before.
I’ve never felt so invisible before.
No! I wanted to talk about good things. I wanted to focus on the good in people.
____________________________
So, stories. Illustrations.
I was not-seriously shopping with Fist last year. While she was trying on a top, I spotted this beautiful yellow blouse. They had it in my size so I tried it on… and it looked good. I finally decided to buy it because it was on sale, I rarely find clothes that I would love wearing, and more so because I’ve been thinking about building up a business wardrobe which this shirt would fit.
Fist stood in front of me to buy her top. Just before she steps up to the register, she slyly takes the shirt out of my hands and bought it for me. “I didn’t get you a [birthday] present,” she says. : ) I don’t think I’ve ever had someone do that for me before. I wear the shirt VERY OFTEN… and it still looks good on me.
Even when I worked a lot, I tend to be careful about money, of which I haven’t had much in a while. Still, I try to have enough or extra money when I go out. Polar and Monkey, they treated me to things a lot in the past. Polar is known to be generous; he’s a giver, everyone knows that. Monkey is more subtle in his ways. What I appreciate most about how Monkey would offer to pay for me is that he would do it so that I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I don’t embarrass easily anyway, but he cared about that. I think I was short of cash twice but with these guys around, no one would know it.
So Squeaks tells me that I cannot leave the group because she won’t have it. I went to an event for her; the first thing out of her mouth when we hugged was to ask after my Dad. I wrote previously that Polar’s telling me not to leave the group and that Broke sought out time with me & Fist. Shades always gives me a genuine hug, especially times when I’m down. Before I took a break, Pineapple requested that I don’t stay away too long; he even called to ask if I’d go to the event for Squeaks because he wanted his friends [of which he includes me] around. Brawl [formerly known as “Marshmallow”] inquired of my return and when we’re playing “Brawl,” he encourages me to play even though I’m terrible at it- he makes the game fun for me and makes me included.
One time, I ended up being the only girl having dinner with the guys. While mostly the guys talked amongst themselves about stuff I don’t understand, Tenor would make small conversation with me here and there. He’s good about acknowledging people’s presence, making them feel like a part of the outing. I don’t feel so invisible when he’s around.
I think I’m writing this to remind myself.
I don’t have an answer for those who’ve said they don’t want me to leave. They’re not the whole group. I usually don’t care if I’m comfortable with people or not; I’ll make a go of whatever situation, sometimes even if I don’t want to. I’d get to know people, try to make friends… but what if it seems like I couldn’t get anywhere with certain people? For now I’m still rather exhausted from previous tries. I’m gun-shy. I’m not used to putting so much effort into friendships. I still feel like I’m on one side and they’re all on the other, or some are trying to straddle the fence but are mostly on the other side for degree of loyalties. I’m concerned because this time it upsets mutual friends and some have been asking me questions about it so I wonder sometimes, am I the problem? They were getting on well before I came along, right? They still do when I’m not there? Or is it that I’m the one who’s willing to be honest with them even if it hurts? What if they don’t want such honesty? Someone who’s gonna say the tough stuff? Lately, I mostly feel like I bring everyone down, that I ruin their good time.
Why is the negative so much easier?
All of their good acts meant something to me. I’ve given so much benefit of the doubt yet I still need to call things as I see them. I feel like I’ve been allowed no benefit of the doubt at all. Someone says I need to trust them. What I wanted to say back: where were they when I needed their trust? I held back a lot.
I feel like the 2+ years I spent with the group as a whole doesn’t mean anything. Well, what did I do for them in that time? Not much, I guess. Maybe they’re justified. At least I provided entertainment for them a few times. I’m Boo Radley. Not that I look down at Boo ‘cause he was my favorite character in the story, but he is quite a lonely character, isn’t he?
2 years and they don’t know me at all.
Am I crazy? Do I just not know what friendship is?
____________________________
I know, I’m rambling.
I miss a lot of things.
I miss looking over at Monkey and thinking that we’re smiling at the same joke. It’s difficult looking over now and thinking I’m seeing a stranger. I have no guess at what he’s thinking.
I miss my sisters. I think I’ll go visiting very soon.
Another meaningful moment-
The group decided to go out to eat after working an event, as they usually do. I was going because someone was my ride home, though I was having difficulties with others who were going. It looked like I was going to be in a lonesome and uncomfortable situation considering the individuals going but I said I’d be okay, I’m an adult. Still, instead of going home and curing their exhaustion right away, Shades and Squeaks came along for my sake.
I love Shades and Squeaks. I can wholeheartedly, honestly, proudly say that they’re my friends and I am theirs.
Do I have a point to this in some near future? I don’t know. Friend-wise, I remain at a loss at the moment. What to do about that? I have absolutely no idea. I’m not even sure it would matter if I did. I’m trying, but each experience is unique and this one, I have no clue what to do.
All I asked for recently was respect. Not an intimate friendship with each person. Respect, because I believe I have been disrespected for a long time and that is why I pulled away.
I just can’t relax.
It doesn’t feel like any of it was real.
I could go on with good stories about these specific people, yet they seemed to have happened long ago and sometimes with different people. I regret not having so much stories to tell of recent times.
Keenly Experiencing One Art
I came across this poem by way of the movie In Her Shoes. Cameron Diaz's character Maggie May learns the poem and is taught a way of understanding it. She gives her understanding of Elizabeth Bishop's words and I think she summed it up quite well. It's one of the best scenes in the movie.
I am in a continued state of loss. I'm trying to pick up the pieces... I...will leave that for another entry. Let's get to the poem.
____________________________
One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
I am in a continued state of loss. I'm trying to pick up the pieces... I...will leave that for another entry. Let's get to the poem.
____________________________
One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Untitled [08.02.2010]
Dear God,
All life is in your control. All love is in your control. It constantly amazes me that with all you do, all you care for, you also care for me. You care for each of us, simultaneously, in unique relationship with you. There is nothing that you cannot do. There is no one that you could not love.
Right now I feel like I can barely take care of myself. I am on a rollercoaster, and you know how much I don’t like rollercoasters. I doubt that it will get any easier in the coming days. In fact, I think this particular situation is going to get darker and tougher for me before it ever gets better.
Yet I’m not going to ask that you ease my coming pain and heartache. I know that I chose this and that I need to go through it, not avoid it. I think you mean for it to refine me. Even if I am wrong about your intentions, all I ask is that you remain with me. Please don’t remove your presence from me! No matter how ugly I feel, how stupid and ridiculous and foolish I might be in moments, please return me to you! I don’t want to be lost!
While this continues on, your will for me is to care for others- also not an easy task, especially for who you intend me to care for. Regardless of my will, may your care be my focus, for I think you mean for this to refine me also. May my focus be on your lead, on being increasingly obedient to your guidance. I am afraid though may my trust be in you.
I am unbelievably grateful that in all my mistakes and errors and defiant disobedience, in all my ugliness and unloveliness, you have always been faithful to forgive me and to cleanse me. I don’t want to disappoint you. Let all experiences continue to mold me to your purpose, to the Jennifer that you would will me to become. May you be my All.
Amen.
All life is in your control. All love is in your control. It constantly amazes me that with all you do, all you care for, you also care for me. You care for each of us, simultaneously, in unique relationship with you. There is nothing that you cannot do. There is no one that you could not love.
Right now I feel like I can barely take care of myself. I am on a rollercoaster, and you know how much I don’t like rollercoasters. I doubt that it will get any easier in the coming days. In fact, I think this particular situation is going to get darker and tougher for me before it ever gets better.
Yet I’m not going to ask that you ease my coming pain and heartache. I know that I chose this and that I need to go through it, not avoid it. I think you mean for it to refine me. Even if I am wrong about your intentions, all I ask is that you remain with me. Please don’t remove your presence from me! No matter how ugly I feel, how stupid and ridiculous and foolish I might be in moments, please return me to you! I don’t want to be lost!
While this continues on, your will for me is to care for others- also not an easy task, especially for who you intend me to care for. Regardless of my will, may your care be my focus, for I think you mean for this to refine me also. May my focus be on your lead, on being increasingly obedient to your guidance. I am afraid though may my trust be in you.
I am unbelievably grateful that in all my mistakes and errors and defiant disobedience, in all my ugliness and unloveliness, you have always been faithful to forgive me and to cleanse me. I don’t want to disappoint you. Let all experiences continue to mold me to your purpose, to the Jennifer that you would will me to become. May you be my All.
Amen.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A Fine Start
Surprisingly, I got some sleep last night. Not a lot, but some broken sleep. I woke up at 4:30 so I could take Dad to work. I stopped by CB but it wasn’t open yet, I figured. Then I went to Liliha Bakery. I picked up some shortbread cookies and a pie for Dad.
Then I went to meet a couple of new [for me] prayer partners at 6:30. I think one of them forgot but it’s no big deal. So two of us talked and prayed. It was a good time.
Nuuanu is beautiful in the morning! So is Salt Lake- it’d been a long time so I had forgotten.
On the way home, I thought about stopping at CB, and then I remembered that I had library books to return so I did that. I was going to go to the nearby Starbucks, and then decided to buy groceries instead.
A promising start for the day.
I got home around 9:30. There was a group of ladies doing tai chi or something in the park across the street. All the years living here and I don’t think I’ve seen them in the park before.
Mom was in the backyard with her dog. The dog barked at me. I’m getting the groceries out of the car. Mom is yelling for the dog to be quiet and in between that she’s telling me that the cat spit up in the kitchen.
I’M NOT EVEN IN THE HOUSE YET.
More happened but I’ll go with this much. Today, I was short with Mom.
____________________________
This kind of stuff happens quite often.
I’m not all that motivated to clean, and to clean right away, when that tends to be the first thing out of her mouth. That is how she greets me. That is how she tries to wake me up in the morning.
I’ll clean more when she’s not home because then it’s on my responsibility and I can do it in peace and quiet. I’m even more inclined to clean other things that aren’t my responsibility when she’s not home. I used to clean the house also but it seems to come back worse than before; instead, my room is becoming increasingly neat and orderly.
I don’t even like Mom complimenting me when she notices I did something. It sounds sarcastic and backhanded.
____________________________
And then this affects Dad. He tries his best to intervene when he can. He’ll talk to me about other things, and then he’ll kindly tell me to clean up something. And I’ll do it. Right away. Works each time and Dad doesn’t even have to give compliments, which he doesn’t often anyway.
I’ve never talked to Dad about Mom and me but somehow he knows what irritates me, what upsets Mom, and how to alleviate things.
This bugs me because I know I should respect Mom more. I’m praying. I’ve tried talking to her and I’ve tried patience.
Other than these collision moments, Mom is wonderful. Dad’s no saint so when we get into it, which is rare, Mom makes me feel better. When I bleed, she takes care of it ‘cause she knows firsthand about my tendency to faint. When I try to be creative in a crafting or sewing project, she’ll help me figure it out.
God, please show me a better way!
Then I went to meet a couple of new [for me] prayer partners at 6:30. I think one of them forgot but it’s no big deal. So two of us talked and prayed. It was a good time.
Nuuanu is beautiful in the morning! So is Salt Lake- it’d been a long time so I had forgotten.
On the way home, I thought about stopping at CB, and then I remembered that I had library books to return so I did that. I was going to go to the nearby Starbucks, and then decided to buy groceries instead.
A promising start for the day.
I got home around 9:30. There was a group of ladies doing tai chi or something in the park across the street. All the years living here and I don’t think I’ve seen them in the park before.
Mom was in the backyard with her dog. The dog barked at me. I’m getting the groceries out of the car. Mom is yelling for the dog to be quiet and in between that she’s telling me that the cat spit up in the kitchen.
I’M NOT EVEN IN THE HOUSE YET.
More happened but I’ll go with this much. Today, I was short with Mom.
____________________________
This kind of stuff happens quite often.
I’m not all that motivated to clean, and to clean right away, when that tends to be the first thing out of her mouth. That is how she greets me. That is how she tries to wake me up in the morning.
I’ll clean more when she’s not home because then it’s on my responsibility and I can do it in peace and quiet. I’m even more inclined to clean other things that aren’t my responsibility when she’s not home. I used to clean the house also but it seems to come back worse than before; instead, my room is becoming increasingly neat and orderly.
I don’t even like Mom complimenting me when she notices I did something. It sounds sarcastic and backhanded.
____________________________
And then this affects Dad. He tries his best to intervene when he can. He’ll talk to me about other things, and then he’ll kindly tell me to clean up something. And I’ll do it. Right away. Works each time and Dad doesn’t even have to give compliments, which he doesn’t often anyway.
I’ve never talked to Dad about Mom and me but somehow he knows what irritates me, what upsets Mom, and how to alleviate things.
This bugs me because I know I should respect Mom more. I’m praying. I’ve tried talking to her and I’ve tried patience.
Other than these collision moments, Mom is wonderful. Dad’s no saint so when we get into it, which is rare, Mom makes me feel better. When I bleed, she takes care of it ‘cause she knows firsthand about my tendency to faint. When I try to be creative in a crafting or sewing project, she’ll help me figure it out.
God, please show me a better way!
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