How A Young Man Made A Grown Woman Cry

Okay, so the words “grown” and “woman” in the post title are relative. I still have difficulty thinking of myself in those terms. When did that move from “girl” to “woman” happen? Was I there?



I had been away from the church for 5 months when I received a message from the young man. “Hi Jennifer, long time no see! I miss seeing you around Church! Where are you buddy?”

I finally gathered up enough courage and words to respond to him last month. “I apologize for not being such a good friend by this long and silent absence. I miss seeing your genuinely friendly face as well!”

His quick response was that I didn’t need to apologize for anything, he’ll be praying for me, and he knows that I “will continue to live [my] life for Christ!”



How can someone have such faith in me? Or better yet, have so much faith that God is mighty enough and loving enough to draw me back?

THAT makes me cry?!

Oh yeah, each and every time I read that message. It’s far from the dark cynicism I usually meet. Among other things, it’s refreshing.

I got to know the young man from volunteering with the youth department and it had been a privilege to watch him grow his love for Jesus.

One can imagine I had more thoughts to go in this entry? Hmm…

Thank you for reading.

Getting Up the Nerve

I have gotten the follow-up call from the doctor. He said he thought it might be something but after reading up on it, he doesn’t think it is that anymore- sounds like that is good news. If the condition doesn’t improve in a few days, then I am to go see the other doctor he recommends.

So I suppose that leaves me with possible nerve damage at this point. When I told Brother about the muscle twitches, he agreed with the doctor that it probably is nerve damage. I looked up articles on the topic and it is possible.

Well, my toes no longer look swollen. I can move them a little more today. I am trying to exercise my leg and increase the range of motion as I can stand to do so. It is difficult, it is frustrating, and it is tiring, bringing on more pain at times.

Then I think about how minor this is. My situation, compared to that which Joanne Heim is going through, is so minor. Joanne suffered a stroke. She is working hard to recover an entire side of her body. She is working to regain her speech clarity. For certain activities, she is relying on her support system so that as much as possible, nothing more happens to hinder the recovery process and she gets better. [Follow Joanne's journey here; it may also strengthen/ encourage your faith]

Where is my nerve?

Dealing with my leg is largely uncomfortable with pain only sometimes, and I have moments when I want to cry. Though unsteady on my left leg and still using a crutch, I can still walk. If I need help, I can easily shout out or call by phone to have Mom or Dad come for me. I can clearly express to them what I need. I can be left at home for hours without worry that something more might happen. The muscle twitching disturbs me some but it’s better than not having any sensation at all. Thank goodness, I have not fallen or banged my leg against anything.

Part of my frustration is in knowing that I am tougher than this.

I’ve said many times before that I am a strong-willed person. Being strong-willed comes with extra portions of nerve. At 2, I had the nerve to stay up long after Mom said to go to sleep. At 15, I took the wrong bus and walked through a rough neighborhood for an extra hour or more to the next bus stop and didn’t tell my parents why I was late. At 19, I gave a good talking to a 6’2/ ~180 pound guy who thought it was funny to mess with the backside hem of my friend’s skirt.

A little knee pain? Some discomfort? Where is my nerve?
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And the question goes to my faith journey at this moment as well. Where is my nerve to do what God has for me to do? I had the nerve to start something…. Well, that is a whole house to unpack… a lot more than what one entry could stand. I’ve already spent a good number of entries for some things which led me to the present condition with no improved outcomes as of yet.

So for now, focus on strengthening and training my once powerful leg [Read a previous tribute to my thighs here]. Monitor the swelling in my foot and toes. PUSH PAST THE EXHAUSTION AND PAIN. Do not injure my right leg with the extra-load carrying.

GET UP THE NERVE TO WORK MY NERVE AND RECOVER MY WALK.

My favorite verse which I still have yet to memorize where exactly it is:
“Praise be to the Lord,
To God our Savior,
Who daily bears our burdens.
Selah
~Psalm 68:19- NIV

Thank you for reading.

A Successful Operation!

Ah, so ends Drop Off Week for Operation Christmas Child by Samaritan’s Purse.

Wow, it seemed like we had so much time to prepare and wait but now it seems like it went by so fast! This was our first time being a drop off center, so we had no idea what to expect. The first two days looked like we were in great stride with at least a hundred shoeboxes collected each day. Then… the number dropped off dramatically; days three, four and five picked up just under 50 boxes.

As expected though, Sunday was our big day. After churches let out, people and groups were dropping off loads of boxes! We also had quite a bit of helpers, so we put them to work with filling up shoeboxes with donations from our church. Actually, that screwed up the count for us, and I feel poorly about it. I didn’t watch and check out how they were keeping the count with those boxes, while the whole week I had come every day because I foresaw the count getting off. At least we had an accurate count for all the other individuals and groups who dropped off boxes. Anyways, everything turned out okay.



I thought today, the last day, would be slow. I figured, it’s a weekday, people are busy with work and family and getting ready for Thanksgiving and all that, it’s the first day of the week, but I think it was our second biggest day.
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So we made it through the week fine with only the hiccup about our church’s count. We had a goal of collecting 1000 boxes and… WE EXCEEDED IT! Just what I was hoping for! AND our church made up about 25% of the total, which was also good!

God, you’re awesome! And thank you for allowing me to be a part of this!



I have two things to definitely share [I might have forgotten something else].

First, was Saturday lunch. Driving in that day, I was thinking, our hours are from 10 am to 2 pm, over lunch time. How are we gonna get our workers lunch? I guess we’ll send someone out. No big deal. I wasn’t worried, I just thought it would’ve been nice if we had planned for it.

Then a little after I arrived and we opened, a volunteer came… with sandwiches and chips for us! And to log in some volunteer hours as well, but when I saw her and the food, it was like God saying “Don’t worry about it; don’t you know I got it covered?” The food was enough for us and for the group that met later that night.

Cheeky Charlie's excited about moving to another country!

The second thing to share was what Alpha’s mom shared. She said that Alpha got excited about the shoeboxes. He went to Ross’ and found out that they had pretty good prices for stuff, so he picked up stuff to put into a shoebox. Some of the stuff was things for a cold weather place, but he had the feeling that his box would go to a kid in a cold country, that those were the things he’s supposed to give.

Then we found out that the boxes from Hawai‘i are going to kids in Mongolia! How’s that for God moving Alpha and Alpha being obedient?



Oh! And a third thing: the most entertaining and great thing that happened was seeing a small car round the corner… and stall… then pull up to us. It was a small, white two-door car STUFFED, literally, with boxes! They stalled at the corner because they couldn’t see where to go! Two young ladies were in the car with boxes on their laps, piled high behind them, some on their heads maybe…! We opened the trunk to help them unload, and it was packed to the fullest with boxes! There was no space left for even an ant! It was truly awesome!



And last one, promise, for now: my mom's a perfectionist and so planned to make only 2 boxes, one boy box and one girl box. This kind of thing takes a lot out of her, but bless my mom, she's got a good heart. LC brought 5 boxes earlier in the week, so I told Mom that she gotta make more than LC! Sneaky buggah, yeah? I was half-kidding, because it was to motivate Mom for more boxes, though she's not competitive.

Well, Dad had to go sleep early this week while Mom does her stuff at night, so I ended up having to share my room with Mom so she could stay up and make the boxes; remember, I said she's a perfectionist. She wrapped them perfectly, packed them perfectly, and sent them perfectly with me to drop off. In the end, Mom made 5 boxes! :) So she said, "well, we tied LC." Good job, Mom!
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Ahhh, so I’m exhausted! But it’s a good exhausted. I’m still pretty jazzed about this whole operation! Can’t wait for next year!

From kids to kids, so adorable!

Good Expectations

I feel like people are expecting so much from me. It has its good and its bad though.

Sunday night, I got a phone call from someone saying that they saw what I did, they want to encourage me, and that what I did was appreciated.

[Long pause, because what you can’t see is that I’m actually writing this right after the call. And as soon as I typed that previous sentence, I broke down crying. I am crying for awhile, because I had to give thanks where it is due. Positive encouragement, voiced concern and appreciation, someone not only saying that I can do something but backing it up in an unmistakable and positive way.

Long pause, because it is assurance that God is taking care of me, that he sees and hears me, that he knows what I need. I’ve needed someone to just say those things and I can say in turn that it was only by God’s grace that I was able to accomplish the thing at all.

Long pause. To understand more fully the impact of that less-than-a-minute, quick words, I might write more on that later, I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed and I wouldn’t want to ruin or lessen this good thing.

Long pause.]

I am still overwhelmed. So I’ll just say this because I want to remember it, put it in the memory bank for the next time I might need it.

I wrote before about trying to figure out loving someone and influencing positive change. I was getting agitated because [probably without realizing it] people have been telling me that one can’t change and that they love that one, while saying [not directly but in essence] that I do something, and what they wanted me to do, it would in essence change me. Also, when they’re telling me that the one can’t change, what I hear is that neither can I change, and that offends me because I know that I am not what I ought to be. So in the same words, I’m getting conflicting statements in my mind. People can’t change, yet I should change, but people can’t change.



So, something Friend told me today is that maybe, probably, what others were really trying to say is that they have more faith in me changing than they do about the other one. Actually, I think this is probably the second time I’ve heard this other perspective, possibly.

[I suppose I would rather have more faith in people no matter who they are. It just sounds... sad to have less faith in someone they had known for many years. I would be upset if I were the other one.]



And the thing is that that isn’t what I hear from the other people who say that the one can’t change. I don’t hear those particular people saying that they have any faith in me, even if that is what they mean to convey. I don’t hear that second part of them knowing that I can do better. And I don’t hear the part that they will love me either way also.

In speaking of “love languages,” I think that the strong ones I respond best to is quality time with a helping of physical touch, like those kind of work together for me. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person in general and I am awkward about hugs and stuff, but when I get a good hug, it’s honey to me. When someone will sit next to me, at least as close as like occasionally bumping elbows, honey. Willing to take a picture with me, honey.

And when someone seeks out time with me, honey. A knowing glance, an inside joke, honey. Sharing something that either one of us truly enjoys, honey.

[Note: I do try to keep watch for how I might positively influence someone and how I might convey my love for them in a way that they receive best, to speak their language. I think I’m pretty good at it, I don’t really know for sure. I am more open to trying to tap into someone else’s life than to try to coax someone to tap into mine. I think possibly, I do need some reciprocation though, not completely equal reciprocation, but some. Like I’ve told someone recently, I don’t really need someone to meet me halfway, I just need them to turn in my direction, maybe take one step; I’ll go the rest of the way. Partly though, I admit that it’s what I want to do, go the rest of the way, but understand that I am coming from a hurt position at the same time, and that makes the going an uphill for me.]

However, I think that I’ve been so starved of words of affirmation that it’s major honey at the moment. It’s why I was overwhelmed and cried a good cry. It didn’t come from where I would like it to, but it came and I’ll take it. It was more than a passing “good job,” more than an “if you need help, I’ll support you.”

[Note: I had gotten affirming words all along, but I was in a tough spot and so it was difficult at times that I weed out the “thank God at least someone’s doing something” from the “I believe in you, God is at work” type of thing. Or maybe what I was undertaking was so huge that I was under major spiritual attack. Or it was a little of all things discouraging. I don’t know.]

It was that and an “I’m looking forward to more from you.” It was a “can’t wait to see what else God has for you.” It was an “I’m here to catch you if you stumble, here to walk with you however you go.” To me, that’s different from an “if you” then “I’ll support.” It was “I know you gonna need help and I’m here, so go to it! Attack it ‘cuz I know you can!”

Not in so many words, but that was the essence.

[Long pause, more good crying.]

It’s all I’ve wanted to hear or to see enacted from someone who “knows” me, from someone who sees how I struggle yet how I also push through it and conquer.

That one minute, and with the good moving encouragement from Alpha, I could live on that for months. That was a good part of expectations.

[Long pause.]

So, God knows what you need also. Continue seeking his will in order to do his will and God will provide.

[Knowing me, I probably have more I could say on any part of this.]

Mahalo for reading.

Class in Session

October 31, 2010 Sunday Class-

Alpha led the lesson in “Doing.” The main texts were James 1: 19- 27 and Luke 6: 46-49.

We talked about the Bible saying that we need to do God’s word and why. One said that it can save us. Save us from what? Mostly from ourselves and also from ungodly spirits. It’s about making the better choice, though it may be difficult, though others might take offense.

Another passage says that we show our love of God by doing what he says. [I would emphasize how it is loving God first that makes the doing necessary and worthwhile.]

C gave an illustration of when someone gets mad at me, if I fire back at them, what’s gonna happen? They’ll fire back and we’ll go some more rounds. [Again I remind, I often hear someone say “you” in the general sense but will write down “I” or “me” to personalize the words, making it more likely that I’ll understand and retain the thought. So for you, insert the personal “I/me” and not just read this as if I’m talking about myself only, get it? Try it.]

But if, instead of firing back at them, I just take it? If I come back at them with love? If I say nothing back at them in anger?

Eventually they’re gonna wonder what’s with this person? How come she’s not getting angry back? How come she’s laughing instead?

And if I say nothing, they have nothing to stoke the fire with and eventually have nothing more to say. [Then we’ll have a better opportunity for a conversation.]
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[Now I’m elaborating.]

It’s about choices. Am I going to choose what God would want me to do in a given situation? Or am I going to try by my own ideas and my own might?

It’s a shame that things can become so cliché, like the idea behind “WWJD?” It seems people have a difficult time with that these days because they’ll say, “How would I know what Jesus would do? And even if I could know what he would do, wasn’t he perfect? No way I can be perfect!”

Yet that’s such a lie, or at least a lie wrapping up a truth. The truth is that yes and no, we can be perfect. Yes, we are not going to be perfect in this life, in this world; that is true. And no, we will not be perfect yet we are being made perfect, here and now, for the next life, for the life with God where he lives; this is also true. If you are a Christian in obedience to God, you are being perfected as much as possible in this life in preparation for the next life. Perfection is still the God’s goal for us that we ought to strive towards.

What would be the alternative?

I won’t tell you this one ‘cuz you can figure it out.

I can tell you that I have moved to the other side. I have chosen to allow God to perfect me in this life, until my death when he will complete the process, whatever that entails, so that I may be with God where he lives, where the Bible has said he has prepared a place for me. I can tell you that this choice is worth making. And I can tell you that you can be perfected also, you can make the same choice. Where God is, there is room for you to join him.

We can get to know what Jesus would do, by drawing near to God, reading about his plan in the Bible, the same Bible that talks about his son Jesus, and by listening for the Holy Spirit in us, the helper that Jesus sent to us, for us.

But you have to make the choice yourself.
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Okay, back to the Sunday discussion.

Up until this point, I’ve mostly been observing and participating. Other than that, I haven’t said much during class; I haven’t had to. I don’t mean to imply that I am some great vault of knowledge and wisdom, or that I’m around to correct them; it’s that they’ve been doing a good job with things and that I haven’t felt a strong HS urge to say something, so I’ve just spoken from my experiences and my thoughts, which still I haven’t said much yet.

This day, as they were talking about the illustrations and the choices of doing God’s word or not, I got that itch. I heard the HS moving around in my mind, whispering, whispering. I came to a new insight myself that I am most certain was from the HS and got a strong urge to share it.

I get nervous about stuff like that, I really do. On the one hand, it’s such an honor when God says he’s gonna use me to speak to others, saying that I’m usable! Then also, it’s so daunting… because he’s GOD! And I am so not! So the HS reminded me this time, say it, don’t bother with who hears it and who doesn’t, because God will take care of the hearing, I need to simply say it.

*Huge deep breath.* I shared. I hope I did it justice in the relaying that day and here now.
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James 1: 23-24 says, “Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.”

I pointed it back to the things that they were already saying, what C said, what Alpha said, and the rest, all of them, so that they could know that I wasn’t speaking out of some authority that they couldn’t know. I also pointed back to the scripture they were reading, so that they could know that I wasn’t speaking out of my own ideas.

The passage of James is making the connection between “doing the word [the Bible]” and “looking into a mirror.” The Bible ought to be a mirror for us, but what are we looking at? We are looking at Christ [C had mentioned earlier John 1: 1,2; I would add verse 14- The word was with God and became flesh, pointing to Jesus Christ].

When we look into the mirror of the Bible, we ought to be able to see Christ himself. If we walk away and forget Christ, others won’t see Christ himself.

However, if we walk away and remember, that is, we do what the word says, then others ought to be able to see Christ in us. We ought to reflect Christ.

This is what we were made for. This is what the Bible means when it says that we were made in the image of God [Genesis 1: 26, 27].
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C confirmed what I said along with what we were all saying. Alpha reacted like he got something from it. The others reacted like they were in thought over it. C said it was like Alpha started it, then we all contributed, and what I shared brought it all together, full circle. That’s pretty cool to be a part of.

I am definitely in thought over it. I was talking to myself as much as I was sharing it with them. And I sense that’s what God has for me, it hasn’t changed. It’s just a different group and a different reaction but same deal.

I won’t share their personal prayer requests; just please be in prayer over this group of guys, that they continue to draw closer to God. It’s an exciting thing to watch it happen and I hope to see more for them.

The prayer I shared with them was that praise God for what he is doing and the good opportunities coming up to share in his work.

The request was for that morning; in the previous entry, I told you that I was excited and nervous, so then had a difficult time sleeping. The excitement was that I was to make an announcement in service about Operation Christmas Child and I’m excited to be a part of that and I know that the HS can move greatly through this opportunity.

The nervousness was that I hadn’t been on stage in years, and then it was with the choir where I can hide more. Public speaking, especially when it is for someone else, not like my own studio project, especially in front of more than like 5 people, is not a natural strength of mine. If it’s my studio project, I’m not nervous at all to present.

So Ki closed us in prayer. He remembered to pray over my speaking. It was a blessing. I could tell that these guys genuinely care.
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This is the conclusion of that day’s class. I have tons more to say so tune in next time.

Mahalo for reading.

What A Week

October 24- Sunday.

I am so blessed to be with the K guys on Sundays. This day we heard a testimony from C’s friend and M led us in a lesson on “Hope.” Something that stuck out to me, something I’d heard before by third hand and this time hearing it first hand, is that we [believers] can laugh ‘cause we know how it ends; God wins. And in that I remember joy, peace and comfort.

I know, it doesn’t sound like much, like I have more to say about it and I could, but I’m gonna hold off on it.

I have returned to the endeavor of getting to know more people in the church. After the E&I Conference, I am more confident that I can and should do this and that it will have great value. I'm going to meet one new person at church each week, and I have to be the one to introduce myself to them; I can't phone this one in. In my mind, I still think I come off creepy or that I’ll say something ridiculous as I tend to do, yet again, the HS reminded me that ______. This day, I met G.



26- Tuesday with the ladies.

I got to spend some time with a couple of female friends and got some good news- one of them has set a date with her fiance! AND… she asked us to be in her party! It would be my first time in a party and I feel very honored.



27- A little pick up on Wednesday.

Tuesday night, I had asked Tank to help me with something. I almost chickened out with the asking. I got a somewhat non-committal answer. I almost chickened out on the confirmation the next day, but I definitely couldn’t get it easily done with Mom’s car and I knew the HS was urging.

I scoped out the job in the early afternoon; it would be made easier with Tank, his vehicle, and another guy. So after I called Tank, I scrambled in my mind and phone for another helper. I wanted to call someone in particular but knew it would be an even tougher job to ask him than it had been to ask Tank, and I couldn't be sure that I _____. I called up Pineapple instead and yes, he was available! Tank, Pineapple, Minnie and I went to get the job done in one trip. It’s still kinda weird ‘cuz I feel like I have nothing to say of any remote interest to Tank, I suck at small talk still, and I have nothing to say about the stuff he talks about, but it was a step towards hopefully better.



30- Saturday.

I met with Minister. We hadn’t met for about a month so we got caught up on some stuff. We prayed. He certainly is one to help remind me of the big picture. I mean, the big picture is so on my mind, but he’s helping me remember how much I have a role in it. I’m thinking I might have a role in drawing Minister out a little more so that he can do more of his role in the big picture. Or at least, I hope that I am being a positive influence.

I checked in with the K guys at the gym. Now that I’m really getting to know them and letting them get to know me, I can’t help but be blessed every time that I see them.

Alpha is asking me questions about things and I know God has something big coming up for him. Whether or not it’s in doing something with me, I am pretty excited to see what God’s gonna do through Alpha. Again, I’m hoping I am being a positive influence.

Then I went to support my family with CCF; they were having an event to kick off a new ministry. A week ago, Crusty had called me; she asked if I would help promote the night at my church. I have to say that I was surprised and honored that she would ask, and that I was able to say without hesitation that I would help. It’s not an easy thing for me, especially with one part of the group I was to promote to, so I remembered obedience and that it had been so long since I’ve been directly enlisted. I’ve wanted that someone recognize how much I love them and that I am here for them as much as they are here for me. Lately it’s been like people don’t remember, so thank God for this blessing of remembrance.

It was still difficult in the promoting ‘cuz I can forget to remind people about the bigger picture, the main point of things. And I get so sad about others’ conditions. But I did it, and as LK said, it will get easier the more I do it.

The event was good. Even though I wasn’t at my church, I intro’d myself to Ce from CCF. I saw some friends I don’t get to see often enough. Some of Fist’s friends saw me and so we talked.

I got to meet Crusty’s little boy for the first time! He’s so adorable; he couldn’t take his eyes off of his mama! I wanted to stay longer but left to do some prep for the next day.

Prep went fine yet still I didn’t get good sleep. I was so nervous and excited that I needed help in falling asleep and then I kept waking up!



31- A whole lot of stuff, that I shall continue this another time.

Updates on Recent Nudges [10.20.2010]

Equip & Inspire 2010 People Meeting:
So on the last day of the conference, during the morning session, I had an empty seat next to me. Between me and the aisle was one empty seat. I thought, who’s going to sit there, by themselves, next to me, a stranger?

Then this young lady asked if the seat was open. She sat down.

For the first half of the session, I was my shy introverted self. I thought, or the HS nudged me, I should talk to the young lady next to me. I did welcome her during the greeting portion. I keep thinking that if I just start talking to a stranger, I’m gonna creep them out. I’ve said before that I suck at small talk. I was at a Christian conference; what was I so afraid of?

Anyways, the HS kept nudging. When halftime came up, I made the effort. I asked if she was there alone and then progressed a little more in conversation.

For the record, in case I come across her again: Erica, PC c/o 2000 [?], GBC @LCC. At the second session, she brought her friend, Twinkle. I hope I see them again. Maybe I’ll visit GBC; I’ve been hearing some good stuff about them and I’ve been to their youth camp when I was younger.

I also had the thought that I have my camara with me, like always. I should have our pictures taken, so I can remember a face with the name and stuff. I wasn’t sure if that would push me over the creepy line, but the HS nudged… and I didn’t do it. Next time. Hey, I’m a work in progress. I’m making strides. Before, I never would have began the conversation with Erica at all.


Honolulu Habitat for Humanity stint:
Honolulu Habitat for Humanity
NKBA Aloha Chapter
Carolyn Pace Design

This past Sunday, I got to volunteer with HHH! It wasn’t a build, the part I really want to do again, but it was still investing in the organization. When I got the confirmation of my assignment [by email], I was so excited! And one of the coordinators called me to reconfirm by phone; I thought that’s a good sign.

The HHs can be organized differently. The one in East Bay, where I previously volunteered, was very well organized. I wasn’t sure how the Honolulu HH would be like, given past attempts to contact them in order to volunteer coming to no reply back at all, but it’s been a few years so things are looking better now!

Sunday was the National Kitchen and Bath Association’s Tour. This year, 12 homes/ designers/ contractors participated to show recent remodeling work. The tickets purchased allowed people to visit any of the 12 homes and talk to the designers/ contractors for ideas, etc. Proceeds went to HHH.

In my opinion, this was a step up from going to a showroom or seeing small mock ups in a Home Depot or something. One can see what someone actually did to their kitchen or bathroom. It makes the possibilities more real.

All I had to do was show up, help a little with the setup, and then greet people at the doors. I checked tickets or sold tickets. It was thoroughly enjoyable.

The owners were there for the setup. Turns out, they’re the parents of a classmate of mine. When KK, the classmate, walked in, at first my spirit crept into its shell again, but the HS nudged. HS said I wasn’t a horrible person in high school; I have nothing to fear in approaching people from that time. So, I greeted her. She said I looked familiar but when I said my name, then she knew. And her parents are just lovely people.

The house also happened to be the neighbor to my friend’s [another classmate] mother’s house. The mother came by and so I was able to say hi. I don’t know why I was surprised to see people I knew; I was in my old neighborhood.

The designer Carolyn Pace was very cool too. I listened a little to what she was saying to the visitors about how she went about the design of the K’s kitchen. She knew her stuff. It’s a beautifully functional kitchen. And her son, with his girlfriend, was very friendly also. They brought us [me and another volunteer] lunch from Andy’s in Manoa- yum! Mushroom Turkey sandwich! The son, Gary [?] works at Nordstrom’s; he talked about that a bit with the other volunteer [they were the talkers, the men. G’s girlfriend and I, not so much the talkers].

The organizer, Bianca stopped by to make sure we had what we needed on the HHH side. She walked up and greeted us, then said she had to meet the real [my name]. She was cool!

So all-in-all it was a good time.


Recent… something…:
I met with a mentor on Monday. I’m still growing and a lot refreshed by the conference. I got some stuff to think about, as always.

In relation to my ministry work plans, I decided I would lift someone specific up by going to BS. I saw some good stuff starting to take place. It’s just difficult sitting there, hearing the teacher say stuff that I know he’s said before, and stuff I’ve learned elsewhere along my journey, and stuff that I told the group also. It is confirmation that I’m not just talking out of my behind, but that I’m trying to pass on the stuff that I’ve learned and that I’ve found to be either true and/ or helpful to spiritual growth. The difficulty is that… nevermind. I have to keep focused on my ministry work I am currently on. At least I continue to find encouragement that I DO have things to pass on and that they are things of worth. And I have people to pass it on to. And the thing that I didn’t say is that… nevermind. This isn’t the place to say it I guess.

I’m still so saddened when… nevermind. *sigh*

Anyways, Alpha was there. In the end, Broke invited me to pray with him and Alpha. I had them pray over my ministry work and all the ideas coming to me, to see that something happens. We prayed and then talked a bit more. I think I’ll write a separate entry for this.


Samaritan’s Purse Operation Christmas Child assist:
Operation Christmas Child

Pastor Cousin got the desire to help with OCC this year. He offered me a position in his work in this, but for awhile I wasn’t sure. Actually, he offered that I lead it so that I could possibly unify the different YA groups in it, and I wasn’t sure about doing that or that it would work. I dunno, maybe I crapped out on this.

Or maybe not, because I got a clear, heavy HS nudge that I must be a part of seeing Pastor Cousin’s project be as successful as it can be. [It also fits in with my ministry plan.]

So I let Cousin know that I will help in any way that he needs. I will be working with his assistant in this project, especially while Cousin will be away on a mission trip. I’m so excited about this now! The thing is that I only got truly excited the moment I told Cousin I’d help, so I know I must do this. [Remember Jenn, this still doesn’t guarantee easiness but it will prove fulfilling!]


And…

That is all. For now.

To Help the Weak

Acts 20: 32-38

[25] “Now I know that none of you among whom I have gone about preaching the kingdom will ever see me again. [26] Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of all men. [27] For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. [28] Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. [29] I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. [30] Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. [31] So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears.

[32] “Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified. [33] I have not coveted anyone’s silver or gold or clothing. [34] You yourselves know that these hands of mine have supplied my own needs and the needs of my companions. [35] In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

[36] When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. [37] They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. [38] What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship.

[Emphasis mine].

I am no Paul. I do not aspire to be Paul. I do aspire to do God’s work as fervently and obediently as Paul did, but I’m not quite there yet; I’m on my way.
Previous entry, I praised Hope Chapel West O‘ahu for its spirit of obedience to God which was manifest in its excellent and unified production of the Equip & Inspire 2010 Conference. I gave many reasons why I would love to attend HC WO.

And here are the reasons why I won’t be attending HC WO: because it does not need my help.

My home church of KUC, the church in which I “grew up,” is unhealthy throughout. I cannot know for sure but from what I can observe, there are few healthy parts in the church. I love my home church because it has been a home for me, but that is not why I stay. I am staying with KUC because I want to be there when God does his amazing healing work through her. When that happens, I want to be able to fully celebrate with the Body of Christ because I did my part. In Matthew 9:12, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” My church is sick.

Years ago, I got a deep cut on my leg. It was bleeding so much that it took awhile to clean it enough to put the gauze over it, then it bled through the gauze for several days. When the bleeding slowed and I peeked under the gauze, I could see the layer of meat under the skin. The doctor said that if I had gone to the ER when the cut happened, they could have stitched it up so that it would heal with a less obvious scar. The thing is, all the ER could have done was stitch up the cut; they couldn’t heal the cut. The healing came from the body doing its thing. As a Christian, I believe that God designed me; my body got its healing program and equipment from God.

Now, my body will heal itself whether I believe in Christ or not. Christ is the doctor in the ER. He can give us the best possible chance of healing well. There will still be a scar as a reminder of the healing, but it will be a less obvious scar to people looking in from the outside.

I am a part of the Body at my church. I believe that I am a healthy part of the body, because healthiness comes from the state of my personal relationship with God, which I believe is healthy at the moment. The sick part of the Body will not heal if its healthy parts are cut off or detach themselves.

Back to the passage from Acts. Paul was saying a farewell to the elders of the church at Ephesus. It was in part encouragement to carry on in the work of the Lord in verses 25-27 [and 22-24 leading in], as Paul shows them his resolve for how he will be continuing in the Lord’s work no matter what hardships are coming his way. In verses 28 to 31, Paul is telling them how they ought to carry on, by keeping watch over themselves and the flock, being on their guard, and keeping to the truth. Verses 32 to 34 is about commissioning them to do God’s work and a reminder of how God will provide for them to do the work, as God has provided for Paul to do the work. Verse 35 is a reminder of what work to do and why. At least, this is how I read the passage.

Verse 35 really sums up why I am staying with KUC through the tough process of healing. I believe that my part is simply to help the weak build or strengthen their faith; and then as that happens, we’ll go out together to give to others, passing it on. HC WO is hundreds strong; KUC is, from what I can discern, maybe not quite yet at its first hundred.

Verses 36 to 38 is the picture of how a healthy church lets go of someone who’s been a leader for it but has been called on to somewhere else. To be honest, KUC is not very good at this. This is how I would like to leave a church or ministry: having it cry in missing me but letting me go in peace, rather than crying in relief and kicking me out the door or crying in utter grief and letting me go because they despair. This is my thinking anyway.
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That is the main reason I’m staying with KUC, that God is calling me to be about the work of healing at KUC.

Location or distance doesn’t matter to me because wherever God calls me to is the right location. Yes, my mom is at KUC but she only cares that I go to a church; she doesn’t care if it is KUC or not [and I am not in the habit of doing what my mom wants me to… ;) ]. I don’t care if family or friends are there or not because I will find friends wherever I go; God has proven faithful in this area. I will have no shortage of opportunities to serve Christ at KUC; there is a lot to be done.

In terms of God’s calling, I belong at KUC, but otherwise, church attendance for me isn’t about belonging but of making others feel like they belong. God has given me an interesting gift of constant discomfort that allows me to take a step outside of my very small comfort zone and gives me a desire to see to the discomfort of others rather than focus on my own [I mean, I have my moments, then the Holy Spirit nudges me into action]. My friends left years ago and I returned to KUC, I am still with KUC. I've visited other churches, sometimes there for a month or two, some very appealing to me, and they weren't where I needed to be; I needed to be with KUC.

As to growth, God has also given me an explorer’s nature. I’m looking for the next step. I seek out what I want to know and since I desire to grow spiritually, I seek it out. If I can’t find help through the church [which has generally been my case with KUC; I’m not saying that KUC lacks helpful resources for anyone], I read books, look up stuff on the internet, visit with other groups, listen or watch out for what others are doing, listen to podcasts, etc.- whatever it takes. I seek out the advice of those who seem to have the walk down. I am deliberate with my faith; I ought to know about my faith.

And as to ease… I am not fooled into thinking that the Christian life ought to be easy. That’s a lie. The Christian life is difficult. If one wants to grow in Christ, one ought to expect uneasiness; growth comes no other way. It is at times to go lonely or to go unrecognized. I’m fairly certain that no one in the Bible said, “Farewell! I’m off to go party and rejoice with more fellow Christians!” Paul said that hardships were waiting for him in the Lord’s work [Acts 20:23]. James gives encouragement for the promise of blessings through trials and temptations [James 1: 2-12]. If the Christian life was easy, the Bible wouldn’t be so full of warnings and encouragements. Because people do not understand me now does not mean that they never will understand me; I must keep moving forward with my eyes on the Lord.

So, to sum up, I am at KUC because God has called me to be there. It’s not about anyone else. It’s not about me. It’s not about any excuses I can come up with. It’s not about seeking a church that conforms to what I want or what I need.

It’s about what God wants and he will provide what I need.

A Portrait of Excellence from Unity

Ephesians 4: 1-5, 11-16
Unity in the Body of Christ

[1]As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. [2]Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. [3]Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.[4]There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— [5]one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

[11]It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, [12]to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up [13]until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

[14]Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.[15]Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. [16]From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. [NIV]


This is the vision in my mind of a good church, with each person doing their part towards the advancing of God’s kingdom. A body united in moving forward, going wherever it is that the Holy Spirit leads them. This is one component of the vision I have for a ministry.

And I saw it in action the other week.

Hope Chapel West O‘ahu hosted the Equip & Inspire 2010 “No Limits” Conference. The conference was AMAZING. It was large. It was organized. It was moving. I could have stayed there for a whole month. I was truly equipped and inspired and I hope to share some of that in coming posts. If not, I have ordered the DVDs because I thought it was that amazing and I could not take notes fast enough! One can borrow the DVDs if one would like to view what happened.

Here, I’d like to focus on the HC WO church itself. I witnessed this church being the Body of Christ and moving as the Body of Christ.

The conference included 3 days of 4 main sessions, 12 breakout sessions, and 2 youth nights. People were volunteer working on teams for greeters, registration, vendors & convention coordination, several worship teams, dance & drama teams, A/V teams, ushers, refreshments, graphics, promotions, facilities coordination, and more. They got the adults involved, the youth involved, all kinds of people involved. No one was too busy to say a quick hello and small talk, even the supervising directors.

The worship sessions were awesome. I know some stuff about the worship leader- I trust that he’s a good Christian, that God is moving through him, that his focus is on God. At any one time, there were about 3 guitar players, a drummer, a keyboard player, about 6 singers, plus more. I mean that there were several variations of the worship team. They had male and female, old and young, different ethnicities. At times, this person’s voice led and then that person had a solo and somewhere in the middle another voice rang out, almost like it was coordinated but not rigid, or like it was being coordinated by the Holy Spirit, truly. They had hula dancers and sign language people mixed in a few times, right along with the worship, not as separate entities but as one united whole. Some of the worship members were involved in some of the drama intro videos also.

I’m not saying that the conference was perfect; I can’t know that everything ran smoothly and as it was supposed to. Yet, from an audience member’s perspective, it was thoroughly enjoyable. From where I sat and where I walked and what I observed, it was a perfectly run conference. Things were on time, ended on time, in good supply, etc. I have nothing to complain about. Nothing.

It’s possible that among the HC WO people, including volunteers and leaders, it’s possible that some were just going through the motions, just doing what they think is good without thought to glorifying God. It’s possible.

What is not possible is to have the majority of their congregation just going through the motions and produce the conference that they did.

I saw excellence from unity. They did what they promised; they equipped and inspired me and I know that others were affected as well. They gave all the credit to their main guy, the senior pastor, and his wife. The pastor and wife gave all the credit back to their workers. Credit was even given to their church members, whether they volunteered time or not because they hosted. The whole thing was amazing.
____________________________

I can list a number of reasons why I want to attend HC WO. I desire to be a part of that kind of unity and that kind of excellence that follows the unity. The church is closer to my home. My friend attends this church. I know that if I go there, I will grow, I will be loved, I will have no shortage of opportunities to serve Christ. I would BELONG there. At HC WO, I wouldn’t be invisible to the group that God calls me to; I wouldn’t be invisible to the church at large. At the moment, it would be easier to start off fresh at this church than to continue where I am.

Of all the churches I have ever visited, I would LOVE to be at HC WO. Next time, I will tell you why I’m not going to be attending HC WO any time soon.

Untitled [10.10.2010]

Our heavenly Father,

How can you be so patient with me? How can you know me perfectly and continue to love me? Everything is yours and you share it with me without my deserving. Every day you have awaken me from sleep. Every day you have provided more than enough for me.

Yet I am a complainer. I am weak. I am full of fear. I am afraid because I know that I am not enough.

You are more than enough. How is it that you meet me where I am? How is it that you should guide me towards who you have meant me to be, in unceasingly patient and generous ways?

I know you want more from me. I am full of fear. Is that what you want, my fear? All of it? My weakness too?

Thank you for what you have provided. Thank you for the refreshment and encouragement you have sent me. Thank you for the vision of hope and faith that you allowed me to see. Thank you for showing me that there are things to hope for, like a church united under your spirit.

And thank you, that though I have experienced such a church and that I have a desire to go there, you have given me purpose in a church that is fractured. It’s struggling to heal. The generations are losing faith and understanding. Thank you that it happens to be the church that I love, the church that has provided for me in the past. Thank you for opportunities to serve you in a church that is in need. I don’t know what I can do, but I have seen what you can do.

Thank you that in my fearfulness, you have allowed me boldness to carry on. Thank you for showing me that I don’t have to be fearful. I don’t have to be weak. I don’t have to feel hopeless. I don’t have to be the person I was. Thank you for allowing me moments of becoming one manifestation of your Son to others who are weak.

Please soften the hearts of others so that they might become more for you. Please open their eyes so that it will be a great struggle for them to turn away from you. Please rescue them from themselves as you have rescued me from myself.

Love,
Jennifer

Arise

Later this week, I will be attending a conference designed to equip and inspire the saints. I think this will be my first time at a big Christian conference thing. I’m rather excited for this one.

Previously, I’ve gone to architecture conferences and lectures, and a small but growing Christian apologetics conference.

Anyways, the church that is hosting the upcoming conference hosted a women’s service last month. It… was… an… experience. A good one, so I thought I would share some things. I think the overall message is good across the genders, but it was just delivered for a female audience.

I’ll share what happened as a gearing up for my going to the conference later.

First of all, the parking lot was pretty full. The front entrance was manned by men in tuxedos. They guided us inside where there were ropes and a red carpet! A few ladies dressed in gown and cocktail dresses were ready to make nametags as women poured inside. In the dining area was a chocolate fountain, with stations of treats for the dipping: pineapples, strawberries, sponge cake, cookies, etc.

Some women were dressed up and some were more casual. LeeLee and I were somewhere in between. Besides the gentlemen at the front door, the only other men were working A/V or in the worship band.

Otherwise, there were about 500 WOMEN. I have never been among something like that before. It was pretty cool to see! The only thing that I was kinda uncomfortable was that I felt a little out of place, like I didn’t know… what to do. All my life I’ve been used to being the or one of the only females among guys, so this service was a huge leap from being in a women’s small group with 4 other members last year!

The worship was awesome! The music was too loud for my taste; I like concerts, but for worship I like hearing the people sing out loud. The music was still wonderful. Ladies were dancing and waving their arms and just full out worshiping. I love seeing that!


The senior pastor’s wife gave the message. She started with a testimony, her testimony, of becoming a Christian and how the vision for this women’s service got its beginning. Awesome.

[Please forgive me if I butcher this message; it spoke to me and I tried taking good notes but I don’t always translate things well and don’t always get to noting everything. Also, when I take notes, I like to write as if the speaker was talking directly to me; you’ll see.]

She based the message on Isaiah 52:1-2 –
Awake, awake, O Zion,
clothe yourself with strength.
Put on your garments of splendor,
O Jerusalem, the holy city.
The uncircumcised and defiled
will not enter you again.
[2] Shake off your dust;
Rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem.
Free yourself from the chains on your neck,
O captive Daughter of Zion.

The overall message was about a generation awaiting their release.

Point 1: God has released us [me] to arise to worship him.

She mentioned an upcoming release by Lisa Bevere that talks about a lioness. Another quote she referenced [I didn’t catch the name, it might have been Bevere but not sure] about “If ever the church needed to be dangerous and fully awake, it is now.”

She talked about worship as an area of release, being released to worship with our total being. To illustrate, she described how we’ll go [or have gone] out to a club and danced… to impress the guys. So, why not worship, don’t hold back, like we’re impressing God? She mentioned wearing deodorant, proper supportive undergarments and attire, anything that would promote full out worship like the group was doing earlier in the night. And just worship in dance and song and spirit for the Lord.

Point 2: Put on strength.

Strength that moves mountains. I can tap into this strength by tapping into the Holy Spirit, our source of strength. The flesh is weak. God is strong.

She posed the question to the audience of how come we don’t trust God? She used the idea of the traffic light. When we have a red light, we stop; a green light and we go. We trust that the system of the lights and people obeying them will keep us safe. Why don’t we trust God like that?

Then I wrote down something about “needing to believe before you read the Bible” and “Proverbs 31.” I admit, I don’t remember what this was regarding.

She said that her notes were kinda goofy because she has a point 2a and a 2b, which I was totally okay with because it worked together well. She said that [2b] we’re gonna put on the garment of salvation, but before we do that, [2a] we’re gonna take something else off. When we dress, in order to put something on, we have to take something off.

So, [2a] I’m gonna take off the things that is on me. I’m gonna take off oppression, self-doubt, selfishness, intimidation, fear. [Luke 9:1] Intimidation holds me back; boldness lunges forward [perhaps as a lioness would]. I’m gonna take off the junk so that I might release the Lion[ess] of Judah in me.

Now, [2b] I’m gonna put on the garment of salvation. [Is 61:10] I’m gonna put on righteousness, self-control, all the fruits of the spirit.

She talked about how what I wear can change my outlook, it can affect my attitude.

There’s also a [2c]: the enemy is not allowed to come back. I am among the redeemed [Is. 43: 18-19].

Point 3: Moving forward and letting go.

Stop mourning over who I was. Get over it. Shake off the dust.

I am the daughter of the King.

She talked about how they have a dog and she was worried about taking the dog off of its leash. Then someone told her that the dog has been trained to wear the leash; it will not run off. So she took off the leash, and her dog didn’t run off, as if it still had the leash on.

I’ve heard this concept in several different ways before. I remember someone talking about the gorilla in a cage at the zoo. The guy was told that the only reason that the gorilla is not attacking people is because it doesn’t know that the bars of the cage can’t hold him. In other words, the gorilla was strong enough to break out of the cage but didn’t because he’s gotten used to thinking that the bars keep him in.

The women’s speaker concluded with this: I have been set apart, redeemed, released.

She described a dream she had. She was riding on an eagle, but she kept looking back, and looking back, and looking back behind her. Then she realized that every time that she turned to look back, she was slowing the eagle down. [Psalms 142:7]

She said that she was afraid and worried about being the speaker that night, but each time she speaks, it’s going to get better.
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I don’t know what she meant about dancing in the club… kidding. Confession: I have been to clubs, somewhere in my former life, but I didn’t really dance. I’m not much of a dancer. I like that the speaker said what she did about full out worshiping; I’m just not much of a mover. I really enjoy hearing and watching others get into the music and dance, that brings me joy. Maybe someday I’ll get into it more but I won’t guarantee it.

So, I got stuff out of this speech ‘cuz I don’t usually take this many notes! AND remember this much. As to what I’m going to do with what I heard, I’ll leave that for another time. Time will eventually tell.

However Brief an Encounter

I’m beginning to pay close attention to “for some reason” stories.

For some reason, I decided to take the bus one day.

A friend had made a request for people who could help him move some stuff. He wanted to start early with a 9:00 am meet time.

I decided that I would plan to show up. The night before, I started planning. I knew Mom would be taking the car that day and to the same meet place. She said that 9 am was too early a target time for her to be there. So I decided that I would take the bus. I was actually looking forward to it.

On the morning of the move, I woke up early, got ready, and headed out to the bus. Since I don’t have a bus pass this season, I walked 20 minutes to the bus stop on the main road [instead of the one on my street which would have added a transfer].

As I approached the bus stop, there was a young woman standing and smoking a cigarette. She was in a white Vampire Knight shirt and jeans. Her hair was blonde, long and straight, with bands of blue hair at the bottom of the back and bangs. Her lips were blue. Her nails were blue.

She gave me a little smile. “I like your shirt,” she said.

I was wearing a pink To Write Love on Her Arms shirt. “Thank you,” I replied.

She went on to say that the singer of her favorite band supported the TWLOHA cause. We talked just a little more, mostly about the org. I learned more about her favorite band and the singer.

That was about it. The bus came in about 2 minutes.


I’m not very good at coming up with small talk stuff but I don’t really know how to draw strangers into real conversation. I want to be better at it though.

The potential for this kind of encounter is one of the reasons why I like riding the bus every so often. There’s a chance that I’ll meet someone and we’ll talk. It’s a chance to make connections with people outside of my comfort zone [well, I’m usually not very comfortable in what should be my comfort zone anyway]. I wanna meet people. I wanna know their story. And should someone have a need that they share, I wanna see how I could possibly help. I still think about Brother George [He Woke Me Up This Morning]. I hope he’s doing well.

I don’t know. But I think stuff like this is why I had started to wear the pink shirt more often, waiting around for someone to say something about it. Then the blue blonde girl says something and I… I don’t know. I’m sitting here thinking, “Why didn’t I at least ask her name?” Maybe something more could have happened. Maybe I’ll see her again. I could use another friend.

Little steps, Jennifer. Next time, you’ll do better, you’re getting there.

God, I hope so.


[I'm getting a couple songs from the band she mentioned. They sound good.]

Testing Abraham

Genesis 22: Abraham Tested

Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

[2] Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.”

[3] Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. [4] On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. [5] He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

…

[10] Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. [11] But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

[12] “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

[13] Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns.
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[You should read the whole story. I would suggest reading the entire Abraham story.]

Like many people, I wonder about this story in the Bible. People could come away with so many different interpretations, which one is the true one? I have no idea. I think I’m better at knowing which is not a true interpretation than which is true. As a believing layperson, how can I know?

I read someone else’s blog about this testing of Abraham. Her non-Christian friend interpreted that Abraham had failed God’s test because he was going through with the sacrifice. And what kind of god tells a father to sacrifice his son, his ONLY son? It doesn’t make sense. I found this interpretation interesting.

As the blogger noted also, some Christians will say that Abraham knew God would stop him. There is the evidence of God’s promise of many nations through Isaac.

I would add that during the testing, the Bible shows Abraham saying, “We will come back to you [v.5]” and “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering [v.8].” Do not these things say that Abraham knew God would save Isaac?
____________________________

[This is merely my amateur attempt to work this out. Whatever the conclusion, it is not to be taken as absolute truth.]

As to the first part, of God’s promise to Abraham for nations, this doesn’t say to me that Abraham knew God would save Isaac.

I first read of this promise in Genesis 12: 2-3 ~ “I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. [3] I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”

The promise is repeated in Gen. 13: 14-17; 15:4 &5; and in chapter 17, God says that Sarah will give Abraham a son [v.16]; the son is to be called Isaac and God will establish the covenant with Isaac for Isaac’s descendants after him [19].

From Abraham’s viewpoint, he followed God in Genesis 12:4; feared man’s harm instead of trusting God’s protection in Genesis 12:10-20 and chapter 20; upheld God’s providence in 14:22-24; questions God in 15:2&3, 17:17 &18. Sarah doesn’t believe the promise in ch. 16, instructing Abraham to make a son through Hagar, and Abraham agreed and obeyed Sarah.

Abraham’s trust in God has been unsteady. God repeated his promise several times, giving more detail and yet Abraham wavered between obedience and doubt, saying to me that he didn’t know what God would do in the past and didn’t know this time, which brings me to the second part: Abraham’s words during the testing.


Isaac’s birth is told in Genesis chapter 21 and the test comes in chapter 22, as some parts were given earlier in this entry [again, I suggest reading the whole chapter yourself; test what I write here].

I don’t know what Abraham actually thought. However, verse 5 could be read as Abraham not wanting to alarm his servants. If he had told them what he had set out to do or what God told him to do, his servants might have caused a commotion.

Verse 8 could be read as Abraham not wanting to alarm Isaac until the very moment of obedience. We don’t know how Isaac reacted in verses 9&10, as his father tied him, placed him on the altar, and raised a knife-wielding hand towards him. Isaac was bound, so one could imagine he might have struggled.

And throughout all this, Abraham went about obeying what God told him to do. It might have had more weight if we read that God said he would provide a way out or if Abraham had said that God said that, but we don’t. Abraham didn’t repeat the promise of 17:19 regarding Isaac and his descendants. Isaac isn’t married at this point nor does it say that Isaac has children by any means.

If Abraham knew God would provide a sacrifice other than Isaac, how would this be a test at all?


So given different possible interpretations of Abraham’s words, added to his record of wavering, I think it’s a safe guess that Abraham didn’t know what God would do.

On top of this incident, elsewhere in scripture says that God is all-knowing while man doesn’t know or understand God’s ways. For instance, Isaiah 55:8 &9 says, “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. [9] ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” Isaiah 40: 13 &14 says, “Who has understood the mind of the Lord, or instructed him as his counselor? [14] Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?”
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One might think, well, if God knows everything, why did he test Abraham?

Genesis 22: 1 says that God tested Abraham, but it doesn’t say that God did so in order for God to find out what Abraham would do. When God stops the sacrifice, in verse 12 God’s angel says, “Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son,” but the “now” came from the angel and doesn’t exclude God from having already known that Abraham feared him. It could read that God knew before and God knows now that Abraham feared him; God knew always knew and this is possibly why God saw fit to “test” Abraham.

Perhaps, PERHAPS, God instructed the angel that if Abraham obeys God, stop Abraham from sacrificing Isaac. This still doesn’t say that God didn’t know what Abraham would do.

My thoughts are that God tested Abraham for Abraham’s sake. If we try to take this test from God’s view [as imperfectly as we might, as we cannot know definitely and as it is God’s story], I don’t know for sure, but I think that Abraham needed the test in order to know his own heart. If such a test had come earlier, Abraham might have balked; the test here let Abraham know how far he has come with faith, in obedience, with God.

I think Abraham needed a moment of absolute faith and obedience in the face of doubt, to be assured of how far he has come. I think he needed to solidify in his heart and mind that God hasn’t made much sense to him before and yet God has always provided and protected him. God has always come through on his promises. I think Abraham needed to tell himself that the instructions don’t make sense, but he’s going to follow no matter what.

If the non-believer was right about Abraham failing the test because he was willing to sacrifice his son, I wonder that God would repeat the promise of blessing Abraham’s descendants in Gen. 22: 15- 18? It’s not that God would repeal his promise if Abraham had failed, either way that one looks at the test, but the words of God after the test say to me that Abraham did pass the test.

Or at least, I think that Abraham wasn’t being tested by human standards, since only he and Isaac were there. All in all, I really don’t know.

And all this, Isaac was witness to. I wonder what it did to his faith. I wonder how much of this he was aware of. Was he able to hear the angel commend his father for his faith?

I must also wonder, if Isaac had been sacrificed, how did God intend to fulfill the promise of nations through Isaac? In truth, it doesn’t matter to me since Isaac wasn’t sacrificed; though I will say that even if Isaac had been killed, God does what God does in his way. In John 11, Lazarus was raised from the dead, so how would Isaac’s death prevent God from fulfilling his promise?
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What do I take from this? I mean, the test is in the Bible for a reason, right? Or we’re just supposed to read it and say “so this happened to Abraham. So what?”


It may be that God will have an assignment for me someday, whether it makes sense or not, and I will have to ask myself if I’m willing to obey. Do I really trust God? Do I believe that God will provide the way as he did for Abraham, though his instructions do not make sense to me?

I’ve been unsteady in my walk with God, but I think after each difficulty, I’m becoming more confident in trusting God because he’s in control. The more confident I become, the more I find the ability to obey.


So in summary, what I read is that I am to:
-know that God is watching, he’s with me, he will provide
-obey even though it doesn’t make sense to me
-obey because God knows, he is in control, and he will bring about what is best for me
-I only need to trust and obey


What do you think? Is any of this plausible? How would you interpret the test?

David: the Brokenhearted King

I am still reading through Psalms. I stalled for awhile. While Psalms has a lot of good stuff in it, it’s hard to understand at times.

Then recently I thought about how appropriate it is that I should be reading in Psalms while I am going through this specific time of brokenness. I have been brokenhearted many times, but this time I have wanted to step out in faith of what God’s done in my life by leading all the while still dealing with moments of broken-heartedness. I do question my own ability to lead [or to do anything for that matter] because I am unsteady about myself.

Psalms is said to have been mostly written by the David who was King of Israel. Psalms is full of questions, full of pleading to the Lord for help, for mercy, for forgiveness, for protection, for all sorts of things. Psalms is also full of praise, full of faith, full of hope, full of all sorts of good things. David confesses, David confides, David finds his peace in the Lord.

David suffered persecution from King Saul [read from around I Sam 18]. He suffered through a separation from his good friend Jonathan [also from I Sam 18]. He was ridiculed by his older brother [I Sam. 17: 28]. He sinned with Bathsheba against God [II Sam. 11:1 -12:23].

David also killed Goliath [I Sam 17]. He was revered by people [I Sam 18]. He spared King Saul’s life twice. He laments over both Saul’s and Jonathan’s deaths [II Sam 1].

David had great highs and great lows. He was leader over a nation. He RULED over a nation.

I just want to guide some people. But if David could lead a nation [and rather well], and embrace the range of his emotions, while keeping his faith in God, however imperfectly though faithfully, might I not help guide a few people towards fullness in God?

There really isn’t any one person that God cannot use for service, is there? … Even more so if he calls them to something? *Sigh. I’m no David, but God’s not telling me to lead a nation.
…

I’m not saying it definitely will happen. Who am I to instruct the future? I’m just asking, is it not possible that I could lead, even though I am a broken heart?

Well, I suppose, we shall see in time. I’m not sure toward which way I’m trying to convince myself but I know what others are convinced of regarding me.

Alpha Lift

So, in being a risk-taker and involving others, I feel like a few were in some agreement with what I was trying to do, at first. When it came time to move, I feel like in general I was given a vote of no confidence before I even got to do anything real. I admit that some of that is with me. I am not the kind of person that… I mean, to an extent that is further than most people at the moment, I thought that people knew me. If the people who know me are giving off the sense of… waiting to see me fail, I… slowly… I am thrown. So I tried to go ahead with things and just keep trying, keep remaining faithful to the task to see what good could happen but it was…. It hurts.

Officially or not, min-wise, people have/ are saying that Group A needs me. I don’t know what I’m going to do ultimately. I suppose… I can’t imagine what they would need me for.

What I think are already my strengths, I get the sense that Group A doesn’t want that or care about that or something. [Again, this is just from my perspective] What good I think I might be capable of, it seems… I get the sense from Group A that I am to struggle and work that out myself.

Just as with anyone else, my faults are right at my side.

I am confident and I am not.

I believe God brought me an answer through Alpha. God’s been working in Alpha’s life and he’s been working in my life, and possibly bringing us together for I have no idea what yet.

Affirmation

When I presented what God has called me to, there was a question posed about how I know that’s what God is doing. It’s a good question, I recognize.

Ultimately, I don’t really care about answering it though, I want to go ahead and try. I want to move. I want to do. I want to start.

The conflict I was feeling [and the feeling is lingering] is that what God has called me to involves certain people and those certain persons, it seems to me, wants that question answered before being open to allowing me to do it. You know, if it didn’t include them, if it wasn’t for them, then I could do whatever I wanted. I could move forward with the ideas.

At the same time, I would like to be able to answer that question, even if just for myself. I sometimes think I have the answer, but then I become unsure of myself again. When I’ve tried to voice what the answer might be, others have found a way to shoot it down. [It’s not about you, Jenn! It’s not about them! Where’s your focus?] I feel like an apprentice minister who hasn’t been studying very long when the master is called away somewhere and I need to start practicing in his absence. And others are resenting it, fine.

You know what! The vision is really a… no, it might be clearer this way: my Core Group is the predecessor or the model of the vision. Is my purpose in there?

So I’ve struggled with this. Who am I to think I can guide others to something good, something better? I have no qualifications. [or do I?]

And then comes Alpha. I think where his heart, his spirit is now, is how I was, in certain respects, when I was excited. I allowed more and so God stepped up his work in me, and then this tremendous opportunity came along to do something and some signs were shown and I was excited for the chance. It was the most “on fire” I had ever been and excited because I knew there would be more ahead!

If Alpha said that God is calling him to lead Group C, I would believe him! I wouldn’t burden him with questions about his qualifications or for signs of affirmation because you know what? God doesn’t always tell us! God doesn’t always make sense to us! It’s just “Go here” and we either go or not. God told Abraham to go to the place God would show him, not the place that God has shown him. Abraham didn’t know where or how or why. God prepared Moses for something and then Moses was like, “are you serious?” [not literally, you know]. Jonah ran away from the task and God still turned that into a testimony, though at the moment, I would rather obey first than to disobey and end up some place I really don’t want to be.

Yes, God sent me an answer through Alpha. “Go. You trusted me a little before; continue to trust me more and more now.” Put aside the distractions of proof or signs. Put aside the distraction of the doubt of others. Put aside the distraction of the doubt in yourself. Trust God. Go.

And...everyone needs to start somewhere.

… I’m still not exactly sure what the next step is….

This has been a production of the Alpha Lift. Thank you.

How Faithful

Ahhhhh…! Okay, so many things going on, in my brain and in the world, so I’ll try to keep it orderly but… you know. Tumbleweed. Spaghetti brain.

Let’s go.

God is faithful.

I get down a lot. It’s so easy to get down because God has nurtured much more sensitivity in me than I used to have, or maybe, than I used to show or let overflow. I love. I hurt for others. I doubt myself more than I used to because I am so aware of my brokenness. It kinda sucks but it’s kinda cool too. It’s that much easier to throw me off, that’s all; yet at the same time, it’s growing me, pressuring me like as with coal to uncover the diamond, refining me. It moves me.

Is that part about the diamond right? The 100% words mess me up, and then there’s… STOP.

People have been saying it the past few years and I thought they were wrong, that they were merely wishing to see something in me that wasn’t there in hopes that it would spontaneously materialize out of their words; they have been telling me how compassionate I am, that I have a good heart. I think, maybe, they might be telling the truth. It might be nice if I could show myself some of that compassion, but I seem to see myself, to a certain respect, through the way that others treat me. So I suppose, at times, if I’m not shown compassion very often, I tend to think it’s because I haven’t been compassionate to others, sort of the “you get out what you put in” thing. It’s not always true though.

Whoa. Was that more than I wanted to share.

So is this.

I invested a lot of time into a certain group of people.

I usually only invest in a few individuals at a time, usually of different groups. By Crusty’s example truly, years ago, she invested in me, which brought me in proximity with Apple and The Don and a few others through the years; so I invested in that group and it was/is paying back greatly. The dynamic has changed, because there’s a complication between The Don and I, Crusty is building a family, and Apple is far away, but I know that I can call any of them in a time of need or to simply update each other.

I think that’s how good things are; a group is together for a time, growing each other, challenging each other, supporting each other, and then at the right time, either they split off to benefit other groups or bring others in, yet that initial group is still bonded together forever. New experiences, other people, a change in scenery… nothing can threaten that bond.

The direction of this post seems to be turning to something else… oh well.

The current group, you know… God really sets us up, doesn’t he? Here’s how it goes for me: my core group didn’t break down, it broke out. The Don and I split, in simplest terms, because we’re very different and not in a way that we could stay together without the others. Crusty got married and began that chapter in her life. Then what I would have previously thought would be in the top 10 of worst things that could happen to me, Apple tells me she’s moving away. She has been such a ROCK for me. Apple’s news came at a good time for me though, a time when I could handle such news, and I miss her but am so glad she did it. So I embarked on a new journey.

I went to God and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me. This leaves me with no one, and you know I need someone to be local! You’re going to bring me new support right? But still, you’re expecting me to make the new friends right?” The meaning: God’s gonna take care of me but I’m gonna hafta work for it as well, to step out with faith in action.

I need local, present attention. The… paradox [?]… or my reciprocal nature [?] is that I give what I get. It doesn’t matter who starts it, but if I give and I get, I will give again, and if I get again, I will give even more, so on and so forth. It’s a progression until a comfortable medium is reached or something like that. But I don’t like building something up to have it taken away for no good reason. I admit, I am a spoiled rotten friend.

And work on it I did. From that point on, two big things were going on at the same time but looked like they were working together: making friends and obeying God. I had to become more open, more vulnerable, more true to who I am, more trusting, friendlier, welcoming- in other words, not who I used to be, in both the social realm and the spiritual realm. It was better but it sucked!

This is what it looked like: I sought out more knowledge of God, then felt led to answer the request of volunteering in a ministry. From there I met a potential friend, someone about whom I had been curious for some time. I heard of a gathering through which I knew I would be helped in the search for more of God and the friend eventually became my inlet to that gathering. That gathering became the doorway to this certain group of people. God caused or helped me cultivate such a love for each person in the group; I counted them as friends (though not necessarily that I was “in” the group). Even when the One-Who-Was-Away was to return, I got excited for it on their behalf! I invested so much of myself into these friends. I initiated and acted and followed-through and you know, it just wasn’t enough for me to stand by because I cared too much to do that.

With that love for the group, I sought out to do something for that group, or actually, for that group and then to beyond that group.

So when God told me to do something, I did something, because looking back, it made sense, it all came together. (Well, aside from my lack of faith, and possibly other’s lack of faith, in myself… I was/am still going along but at the same time saying, “God, seriously? Me?!”) It seemed God brought me and this group together for this reason.

But that has been rejected and I feel dejected. Not that I knew where the set up was heading [i.e. ministry], but it seems like all that love and care and time, what was invested in the group, is left unrecognized, collecting dust, useless. I’m left wondering, “What was all that for? Nothing? That was so hard for me!” It’s back to making no sense.

So, some parts of the vision are in place, I’m just not in it [the vision] anymore. I feel like I’m an outside observer to… my own party or something, though that’s not right because it’s still not about me, but you know, that I… ugh.

I didn’t want to be here. It’s not fun for me to question and define who my friends are and aren’t. I’ve learned by the examples of others, Crusty being a major influence, to invite people, bring anyone and everyone along. It’s not gonna kill me. [Like the 4th of July or a birthday gathering, I invited everyone I could to come and just the old faithful came] It’s my nature now to invite everyone I can; I think it’s good, that I don’t really want to let go of it.

Is this what God set me up for?!!

But as with many situations, I’m not closing the book just yet.

But seriously, God? I’m very close to square one again in terms of having to build up a new support? This sucks! Who is left?!

I believe God is so great, so sovereign, that he’s not threatened by my questions or my doubts or my pains or… nothing. God knows me, he knows my heart. So I can talk to God like this, because he’s real to me. It’s only the situations and experiences he allows or puts me through that suck but ultimately, I know it’s for good.


GOD IS FAITHFUL.

I’m alive. I’ve got shelter and food. I have an outer circle of people who do care about me and act on it [though that seems so inside out]. I have a couple of good friends from that batch, to whom I am bonded and so fear no threat if I… go to benefit others. It’s just sad because with the Core, we had so many years and memories together. It’s just sad because people want me to stay but I have no answer for them still. It’s just sad because, well, it’s always sad to let a good thing go. And it’s sad too because… there are so many things left unresolved, unanswered, in the open, unexplored- you know, nothing’s really changed- it’s not like I’m moving or starting a family or building a career yet.

We could do so much more together.

So I want it to end but I don’t want it to end. And if it depends on the other side… it… um, yeah.

I want it easy. It’s not about what I want. I’ve been saying “this sucks” a lot lately [to myself and a select few who know what I mean and what I don’t mean by it]. It’s in reference to the fact that if I continue to choose God, it’s not going to be easy, that I should keep in mind that it’s not about what I want. If I want more, I ought to be willing to do more, endure more, give more, etc. As friend reminds me, grace ought not to be taken cheaply.



This was… fun not so much. I could unpack more. Or… not. Another time perhaps.

I apologize if it seems like I keep dwelling in the past, that’s not it. I keep revisiting the not so distant past in order to figure out some good where to go. I think that’s what I like about listening to people’s histories because sometimes we don’t realize something or miss something key unless we say/ acknowledge it out loud or write it out, some kind of record of it, perhaps someone to help us discover it.

The title of this post, um, well, it didn't end up being totally unrelated so, leave it.

The end.