Order Up!

So Tuesday night, Teacher gave an overview of birth order personalities as written in a book by Dr. Leman.

I’d heard Dr. Leman on several “Focus on the Family” broadcasts. He’s a humorous speaker and sounds to be quite a knowledgeable person on child-rearing.

The basic characteristics [as I can remember them and with help from a Suite101 review] go like this:

Firstborns are the natural leaders, often achievers, organized, detail-oriented, with high expectations. “They’re reliable, conscientious, list makers. They don’t like surprises.”

The youngest are the babies. They are charming, risk-takers, open to change, and manipulative. They tend to make good entertainers.

Middle children are secretive, loyal, and people-oriented. “Second born are almost always the opposite of what’s above them in the family.” They are the entrepreneurs [I suppose partly because they have to make their own role in the family?].

Only children are exaggerated firstborns. “Only children are often sensitive and their feelings are easily hurt.”

I think Dr. Leman does well to include that other factors may affect one’s personality to function as another, factors like the age gap between siblings, gender, or situational things.

I remember hearing a broadcast of Lucy Swindoll talking about her family. In describing her younger brother, Chuck, she said he was unsure of himself and stuttered, thinking that he was born into a completed family: a father, a mother, a son, a daughter, and then Chuck, the baby. And it seems that Chuck himself has affirmed that notion, in mentioning that his grandparents had a lot to do with nurturing him as his siblings took up much of their parents’ attentions [not with a bitter sense, but in gratitude that there was someone for him]. And so the Swindolls’ are an illustration of gender causing the baby to function like a middle child instead because he was the second son, all of them born close together in years.

I’m the baby of my family, but I’ve often joked that I have middle-child syndrome. I think there’s at least a little truth in it. I don’t think I really got the attention that is generally associated as being given to the baby.

I am a strong-willed child with parents who weren’t ones to indulge me. If I didn’t finish my dinner, I went to bed early. If I wanted something, like a My Little Pony or Transformer, and if my dad could afford it, I had to calculate the tax for it. If I continued to insist on not cleaning up my room, my mom let it go until she personally couldn’t stand it anymore and then cleaned it herself, but I would be disciplined some other way; in other words, Mom was in no way my maid. I didn’t “get away with everything,” as is the sense of youngest children. Actually, I have the sense that I got away with nothing!
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Also on Tuesday, we did “Family Sculptures.” We thought of when we were 10, an incident or metaphorical illustration, and how we perceived our family through the incident or time. Using each other, we posed people as ourselves with our family when we were 10.

I don’t remember much about when I was 10 [fifth grade], except that I went into _____ and I was not going to share about that! It’s my normal to have difficulty thinking of specific incidents in my life; even of my own life I have often felt the observer rather than the star, the one experiencing the thing.

I remember essences, like in the memory of moving during the summer after third grade, I don’t remember feeling one way or another about it. One would expect a child to feel anger for moving away from friends and familiarity, anxiety about making new friends in a new environment, either acting out in misbehavior or becoming a people-pleaser, or possibly feeling the excitement of new opportunities. I had none of that, from what I remember of it now. An awareness of my own emotions has only begun recently yet mostly I’m detached from them.

For my sculpture, I couldn’t think of anything specific, just the general function of my family. I had Reader as Brother, standing in front with his arms up in victorious celebration [or so I had thought it to be expressed in my mind]. Squeaker and Alpha were in place of my parents, behind Reader with a hand on his back in support. Then Fist stood as me, off to the side and behind.

The picture of my family for years has been this, tagging along as my parents took Brother here and there in support of his endeavors. Brother had Karate class, basketball team [that Dad coached a few years], soccer, Cub and then Boy Scouts, etc., and he performed well in them all. He is intelligent, athletic, well-behaved, well-liked. Brother is very much a firstborn.

Being taken to all of Brother’s events, I either watched him perform or I was off to the side, on my own. Mom and Dad made sure to know where I was, in security, but I was allowed to entertain myself. Oh, if I had had my own camara back then! I remember being at church while Mom, Dad and Brother were at Boy Scouts meetings; I would often go to the top of Building A stairs and read or write or enter into my mind’s play. I would climb around in the old playground.

At the Eagle ceremony for Brother, Mrs. H said a few words. I was watching from the audience as Mom and Dad stood proudly by Brother. I heard my name and perked up to attention. In her speech, Mrs. H thanked me for being so behaved while Mom and Dad attended to Brother at the BSA meetings. I had the idea that I had been invisible at those times so it was curious that someone recognized me.
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Anyways, after explaining my sculpture, Teacher asked a question. I don’t remember the actual question but I think it had to do with whether or not I thought that Brother was favored [?]. My answer is that I figure that Brother did more things. It was kind of my position to follow along and then once there, do my own thing. So I don’t really feel one way or another about it. So, to really answer the question, yes and no.

Though thinking about it, maybe it adds something to my sense of being a middle-child, like Brother got all the attention deserving of a firstborn and a family baby, maybe? Sort of, because Brother was good at all these things and was an obedient son at home, he had our parents’ admiration and the adoration. [Brother and I have three years difference.]

Still, every so often I ask Mom or Dad if there was something to explain the middle-child sense, like a miscarriage or a stillborn twin or something. They deny it all.

As pets go, I have felt the middle-child to the cats, and now more so to Mom’s dog. Fish were not a problem. [And, my middle cat is my favorite because I’m fighting off middle-cat syndrome for her! ; ) ]

I suppose I am a last born with a few middle child tendencies, that of being very secretive and having to make my own role in the family. Even though I am able to entertain myself, I resent when it seems I am around for the mere entertainment of others. Maybe my maverick-ness adds to it. Or that firstborn Mom often acts last born while last born son Dad acts like a firstborn. Yup, my family is all kinds of confused! [Also, the dog thinks he’s a cat.]

Well, I should say clearly that I did get enough love from my parents and Brother excelled even at being the older brother. Even today, Brother is protective and providing and all that good stuff. He so could've easily messed with me but he didn't.
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I find all this fascinating. I have often wondered things like how it was, for instance, for one to have an older sibling, be the baby for a while, and then become the middle child. Or identical twins, ‘cuz even they have the sense of being the older or the younger.

I don’t know. Umm… the end.

Didn’t He Die In That Movie?

Maverick was the call name of Cruise’s character in “Top Gun” [he didn’t die in the movie]. It was also the title of a Gibson movie.

Maverick seems like such a cool word, yet I’m beginning to believe that I am one. Weird, right?

Where would I get such an idea?

First from Finzel’s “The Top Ten Mistakes Leaders Make,” chapter four: No Room for Mavericks?: They Bring Us the Future.” I’ve read it a second time the other day, sort of to make sure that I wasn’t imagining any relating I may have with the ideas. It is interesting to note how it has foreseen what has happened within a group and how I process what happened.

Second, the Merriam-webster online dictionary is not in conflict with what a maverick is:

1mav•er•ick noun \ˈmav-rik, ˈma-və-\Definition of MAVERICK
1: an unbranded range animal; especially : a motherless calf
2: an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party


An unbranded… I mean… an independent individual… that sounds possible…. I tend to go off on my own, have difficulty explaining my ideas, have difficulty identifying with groups [this is not the same as not wanting to belong with a group]. I have thought before that there seems to be a shelf life on my relationships, with individuals and groups. I’ve thought of myself as a wanderer, a nomad, a roamer, a traveler; I have a strong sense of always being the outsider, the visitor, the observer.

I don’t know. Being a maverick sounds pretty cool. I mean, any role serves its purpose, but the role of the maverick is pretty cool. According to Finzel, mavericks:
-can save [organizations] from the slide toward institutionalism
-make messes by their very nature, the good messes institutions need [65]
Mavericks infuse organizations with fresh ideas, motivation to make bold moves that staves off paralysis.

Come on, that sounds pretty cool! That would be an exciting role to have. And it reflects a sense that I have of myself, that I tend to keep a lookout for things to do, that I sometimes feel a paralysis coming on and I start something [usually for myself]. On one side, I don’t like the… side effects of feeling misunderstood and on my own. On the other side, I like the sense of being a different thinker and on my own.

The chapter also explains things like recognizing legitimate mavericks, how to encourage them to help you, and how to stifle the mavericks around you, much of which I can relate to. I would like very much to be legitimate, and on that note, while I tend to resist identification and love my independent nature, I find it would be of more comfort to be free to work within an organization, sort of, to be grounded to something and fly like a kite, in a way. Or, firmly planted but encouraged to blow in the breeze as I may.

Among mavericks who’ve made a difference, Finzel lists the Apostle Paul, Lee Iacocca, and Chuck Colson. That’s some good company. I suppose I remain skeptical about my ability to be a known and revered person as these men have become, but if that is what God made me for and what he has for me, it is possible. I don’t know that I would like to be that well known, but I wouldn’t mind being a lesser known maverick.

Finzel noted “Eleven Commandments of Organizational Paralysis: or… How to Put Mavericks in Their Place.” Many of them are things I’ve heard or perceived within the last few years that have grated me, like “When you’ve been around a little longer, you’ll understand.” [71]. The passage about committees and mavericks I found to be most interesting for the moment.
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And along with other things said, it sounds like mavericks need to be leaders. They don’t always have to be The Leader, but they need to be leading something.

Which brings me to something else that I believe I’m learning about myself, that of being a leader.

Well, I have to say that among Finzel’s “Top Ten Mistakes…,” I have made some of them, though I had tried not to make them [the maverick chapter is most how I feel others have mishandled me]. Most of my mistakes came from uncertainty in myself, self-doubt. I suppose, I am generally adaptable and so I am able to blend in at times. I am also able to recognize and submit to authority- I don’t mind someone else being in charge and I can follow if I know what I am to do.

So adaptability and an understanding of submission have led me to think that I am a follower. I believe I’ve been wrong. And first understanding how to follow can make for better leaders, so being submissive doesn’t mean that I am not a leader.

At first I thought that God was telling me to lead now simply because he has worked in me so much that I must let his work overflow unto others. But I’ve been thinking about what happened and things I’ve come to understand recently and what I thought previously was only half of the equation. The half that I hadn’t realized until now is that I am able to follow, but I am truly a leader by nature. I have always been a leader; God always meant me to be a leader.

It was also difficult to recognize before because I have been a leader before and done the job well, yet I hadn’t sought those leadership positions, I was elected. They were already established positions within an established organization, and where innovation wasn’t very necessary. And so I knew what was expected of me and “my” workers knew what was expected of them. I could discipline because The Head and my position gave me the authority to do so.

Also, I get agitated and will take the lead if there is no one leading, though these situations weren’t in any official capacity. It was more things like a bunch of people standing around, going, “What should we do?” and I, not wanting to hang around the parking lot all night, will start walking to the car, kind of a signal to move out. Even if I don’t have an idea where to go or what to do, we’re going to go somewhere and do something. If there are things to be done and people sitting around, I’ll point out the things to be done and get the people to do them. It’s mainly been among friends, and before I was hardly ever the only leader-type in the group, so I didn’t recognize my leader personality.

Well, so now I am to channel that maverick leadership in a Christian format, encouraging spiritual growth and right relationships.

…

I’m working on it. I think I’m getting better at it. God’s building it up in me.

In the past, people have said of me that I’m independent, ambitious, bold, etc. I think this shall be an exciting and interesting time for me as I come into my maverick and leader natures. I believe it goes with other things that strive to identify pieces of me, like discernment constantly coming up as my strongest spiritual gift, like always registering as an INTP on the m-b test, etc.

Well, we shall see what is to come. Hopefully I’ll earn some cool points along the way in order to be a great maverick.

[Image source: imdb.com]

INTROVERTED iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

I Am Who: is an experiment on tools people use in order to "know" someone. I am looking at things that people might use in order to understand me better and considering how well or not such a tool describes me. The larger picture is that yes, you may know that I'm a Chinese Libra, INTP, etc., but you will never know me until you have spent time with me.
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On the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment, I am an INTP; I’ll get to the entire thing at another time. For now, let’s take one thing at a time and start with introversion.

What the Myers Briggs Foundation website says about introverts:
The following statements generally apply to me:
o I am seen as “reflective” or “reserved.”
o I feel comfortable being alone and like things I can do on my own.
o I prefer to know just a few people well.
o I sometimes spend too much time reflecting and don’t move into action quickly enough.
o I sometimes forget to check with the outside world to see if my ideas really fit the experience.

This generally sounds like me, although I don’t know that people would use the words “reflective” and “reserved” to describe me; I’ve heard the words “cold-hearted” and “ice queen” used instead. I am more comfortable being alone or with one or two other people, rather than in a large group, but I am able to be comfortable with a large group as well.

I question the part about not moving into action quickly enough, on account of other factors, such as I may not have acted because I thought things through and decided that action was not necessary, a process which can be either a matter of seconds or much longer, or that I tend to choose actions which are carried out solely by myself or are private, and so to the outside world, I seem to not be a person of action when in fact I am an active person. I understand the MB general statement, I’m just pointing out that I am more active than people would think; there is, of course, a spectrum of these characteristics among introverts.

I think Pawlik-Kienlen says it better, that “an introvert’s personality traits aren’t necessarily tentative or hesitant, but introverts do prefer to think before they act. When introverts are ready they take action!” I certainly take action when I’m ready!

Now, I do not know who Pawlik-Kienlen is, or what his/her credentials are, but he/she has a few articles on the introvert that give some insight that I think are rather helpful to understanding an introvert. I would also recommend trying the tips on communicating with introverts here.



Recently I came across an entry on Xanga about “Understanding Your Introvert,” here. I thought that this was the best assessment of introverts that I have read in a while, written in a matter-of-fact, to-the-point, yet easily relatable way. In other words, I read this and immediately felt like the author was writing about me and that other people might benefit from reading it. I even linked it on my FB, and if you know me on FB, I don’t link things very often at all.

Here are my thoughts on how well the author’s points relate or not to me:

1. I do need time to be alone. If I happen to walk away from someone or a group, it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong; I may just need some quiet, in which case one may follow me, but do not expect me to say anything but rather, be with me in quiet. I don’t mind the company, and if someone can be with me in quiet, not awkward quiet but companionable quiet, I will attach to that person more. I don’t like the idea of someone needing me to entertain them.

I personally will not shrivel up and die if left alone at a party. I do think it is general bad form to invite someone as one’s special guest and then ignore them that night, or ignore any guest whom is not familiar with the rest of the general party, but I will often make a go of any situation I find myself in. I will however, wonder what I’m doing there and will probably walk away.

For example, Hatchet had invited me to her church’s summer camp. I knew no one else there but her and another classmate, but I was not particularly close with the other classmate. At camp, Hatchet attached herself to a certain group of people who were considered “cool” or “popular” with no regard for me, for the entire week. I, on the other hand, went around getting to know whoever came my way, including the cool kids. At the end of camp, I had many asking to sign my camp book and for me to sign theirs. When we were again alone, Hatchet pouted, complaining that I knew more people at her church than she did. I had no pity for her for this occurrence and made no reply.

2. I am more reserved than others. It has been reported to me on many occasions that I seem aloof and uncaring, or worse yet, hateful and judging, all mostly due to things like how I don’t react to things much (I will hardly smile if I don’t think a joke is funny) or how I am more silent than outspoken. I wouldn’t say that I am timid, these days, so much as that

A point that I really relate to is that I do not like small talk! I think small talk can be useful, but I would rather ask questions to which I am genuinely interested in the answer. This is why I am more likely to ask pointed, personal questions which would seem rude or gossipy to others, but it is more that I would rather not waste your time, or mine, in asking something general or trite like “how are you?,” especially if I don’t really want to know how you are.

On the flip side, asking me a question is a great way to open me up. The more genuine you seem in wanting the answer to your question, the more likely I am to answer it and to answer with expanded commentary. I’m very much a don’t-beat-around-the-bush and get-to-the-point kind of person, but I don’t know that this is attributed to introversion entirely.

3 & 4. Good points, give me time to think and then to respond. If you speak and then I speak and then you speak right away again and so on, I will feel unheard or unconsidered and therefore will think you don’t care about what I said and will eventually say no more.

And be certain, I am doing my best to hear you.

5. This is true. I may be having an inner conversation with my imaginary boyfriend, but I am also aware that in real life you just drank from my water glass. I just didn’t want to embarrass you by saying something when I can just drink my juice instead. Also, I may not notice that you got your braces off, but I will notice if you are suddenly snapping at people, that is, if snapping at people is unusual for your character. In other words, your inner life is more important to me than your outer life.

6. Good point. It’s a good rule in general to accept people for who they are.

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All in all, YES, I am an INTROVERT.

How about you? Introvert or Extrovert?

Wouldn’t Hurt A Fly

If it fell into my soup, I would! Maybe.

Does that look like the face of someone who would hurt a fly? ---> [Don't answer that unless you truly really absolutely must.]

I think it’s funny when I hear interviews of people and someone will say something like, “Not Joey-Bobby-John, he wouldn’t hurt a fly,” and yet Joey-Bobby-John’s on trial for some kind of heinous crime or something. I’m not saying Joey-Bobby-John’s guilty; I’m just saying, the whole notion of character witnessing is a fascinating thing. What an introduction to this entry, huh?

And yes, in the style of trying not to make anyone think I’m talking about a real person I made that name up- stylish, no? No. You don’t think so. Moving on…

I think often about things that are and at the same time are not, seeming contradictions, stuff that one will never quite figure out. For instance, it seems that people all at once would like to stand out to be unique and great and also to be normal and like everyone else.

Only so much can be learned about a person by observation. It’s never the whole story. I like finding out about someone by actively spending time with them. It’s still not the whole story, yet at least it gives me a better picture, more understanding. I mean, I’ll listen to gossip and stuff but all that won’t dictate how I treat a person. I know what it’s like to have rumors about me go around [I’ve helped some get out just by not answering questions and such, but that’s another story] and I’m not perfect so I try to be aware of things and find out for myself [which could lead to another off-topic story about girls and crushes].

The guy that [haha] got stuck taking me to prom, I used to hate him, and I will rarely say that I hate anyone. When he was a freshman in high school, I was a junior. He was such a young punk: mouthy, sarcastic, just got on my nerves so bad that I could barely stand to be in the same band room as him, and the band room was a big space. Well, it’s another story about how we ended up going to prom together and we’re still good friends today. All that was to say that I hated him, then I got to see a different side to him that eventually led me to really care for him. I didn’t know him until I spent time with him.

So it’s interesting to me that people want to know more about themselves or other people through stereotypical stuff. I’m talking about stuff like astrology and personality tests. I think there’s some truth in stereotypes and stuff but I keep in mind it’s not the whole story. I’m fascinated by all the common and the unique intricate details that make up who a person is.

I’m gonna try this exercise thing. In the end though, nobody can tell me who or what kind of person I am wholly except for God [the same goes for you]; that’s what I hold to anyway.
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Here are ways that one could try to define me by [vague-ities are for safety and ridiculosity reasons]:

Libran

Horse

Born in the 20th century on one of the Hawaiian Islands to parents of different Asian ancestries

2nd child [though I still say I was meant for middle-childness, I’m gonna ask God when I get there]

INTP [seemingly, I’d like to see it proven by DNA somehow]

Single currently [although there are many voices in my head so I would challenge that status but you get what I mean, I’m not dating any one person as far as I know. Yes, that is another story but basically I’ve been on dates before and not known it]

Female [born and still am one]

Christian

Nerd

Yellow [favorite color, but also blue, red, green, orange, white…]

9 [favorite number, but also 15, 10, 49, 28…]
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Well, these things can’t tell others how I feel, what’s in my head, how I would react, the words I will use, what I’m allergic to, the dreams I have, my experiences, which jokes I will laugh at, etc. You get the picture.

I am also fascinated by the things people write in their “about me” spaces. I have a difficult time writing anything there. This is what mine says at the moment: I asked Carey, "Do you think we get along so well 'cuz you're a Special Ed teacher?" Yup, don’t that just say it all? I know, I’m insulting the great people who are special needs students by insinuating that I am in any way associated with them; I’m “special needs” in other ways, I think. The other way, I would be insulting the general population of students if I were to associate myself with them, so either way… I’m gonna stop here.

I’m gonna see if I can research what is said about such attributes/people and write a piece about how it fits or doesn’t fit with who I think I am. Maybe I’ll think up more attributes also [maybe I should test those FB quiz apps!]. And if you [think you] know me, chime in on this stuff or tell me something about you, how you relate or not or whatever you’d like to say. I'll label these entries as... "I Am Who."

I really should have been a sociologist or archaeologist or something. What a shame.

Mahalo for reading. Comments always welcome!