A few days ago, the devotional talked about waiting on the Lord. I think about the many things I’m praying over and it’s tough because… I don’t know what others would say but I don’t think I’m a very patient person. When I know what I want or what I have to do… I need to MOVE!
*Deep breath.
Something that I know I want is to be a wife someday. I think I could become a good one. I want to make a home. I want to partner someone, to help see their dreams come through. I want to be someone good in another’s life and see him become more of who he was meant to become. I want him to be excited that I’m becoming who I was meant to become.
All of that though, and more that’s in my vision for my future, I don’t know how to pray for any of it and that makes it more difficult to wait. I’ve just trusted that God knows what I want without having me say it. I’ve said it before and the most I can do is to pray and work on becoming a godly woman, and one whom someone would want to marry.
I think I’m having trouble waiting on this because I have reservations, of course I do. I don’t easily share my feelings with others. You might say “who does?” I’ve seen others do it. I’ve tended to think they were reckless but a part of me also admires, to an extent, the risk they take in being so open.
Each new heart ache is worse than the one before it.
And it isn’t just the pains of romantic love that my heart considers. I wonder if it’s possible to have romantic love if one has trouble getting beyond past betrayals of friendship love.
I once thought I had a vision of romantic love that involved myself. At this moment, I am disappointed.
I am somewhat haunted that I may have forever ruined something that was once wonderful. Did I mistake it for some other thing? Did I just not recognize it, or recognized it too late? Did I not appreciate it as I should have? Do I expect disappointment?
The devotional brought to focus the bigger picture of David’s life. As a young boy, David was God’s chosen to be the next king, yet David had to wait on that promise, through years of torment by the current king who was full of jealousy. However, David received what God promised and he became a man after God’s heart. David’s willingness to wait eventually blessed many.
This entry brought to my mind the contrast of King Saul. King Saul couldn’t wait on Samuel, who he knew was coming. King Saul went ahead to offer the burnt offerings himself. When Samuel arrives, he rebukes Saul as having acted foolishly, adding, “You have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time.” [I Samuel 13: 13]
King Saul couldn’t wait a few moments. David waited years. Sarah tried to get sons from her maidservant, then laughed at the promise of her own son. Hannah wept and prayed for years over a son.
Have I already been as hasty as King Saul? Am I willing to be less like King Saul and Sarah to become more like Hannah and David? As I’m getting older and [I’ll admit] the stereotypical window of getting married seems almost too small to fit through, how do I become more patient? And don’t mistake me for a female who’s been dreaming up her wedding since childhood. This has only been a serious desire of mine in the last few years, so I haven’t been waiting many years as David has.
____________________________
Anyways, I’m gonna try to be more patient yet there is more I could say on this. I’ll write a separate entry, or maybe I’ve already written it, I don’t remember right away.
What are you waiting for?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
From Depression to… Something On the Way Up
I don’t know any other way but to say that I’ve always had a sense that God exists.
I also don’t know any other way but to say that I’ve been battling depression for as long as I can remember.
Strange to say this, I was/ am much like how Kristen Stewart portrays Bella Swan in the Twilight movies. I don’t show much emotion. People don’t really surprise me. I feel awkward about gifts and attention, like I can appreciate a gift so much but it doesn’t come across to the gifter how much it means to me.
Even as a child I remember not having much affect in public yet I would cry myself to sleep in the backseat on the way home. Nothing was really wrong and I didn’t know why I would cry, or why I wouldn’t cry even in front of my family. It was always alone.
I accepted Christ when I was 13, but the crying didn’t stop. I had grown up “in the church” yet I didn’t know much about God. I took many opportunities to learn more about this faith I had.
In my third year of college, something happened that gave me something real to cry about. My life took a downward turn. I took a downward turn and the crying became more frantic, sometimes even dangerous.
So began about 9 years of serious yet somewhat functioning depression. I had moments of crying out to God to come and comfort me, and then moments of crying out to God to leave me and not look at me in this condition. My faith was about all I had to go on.
In all of that, God didn’t leave me. He gently drew me to him. It didn’t matter how ugly it got. He was faithful as only God can be, knowing it would take 9 years yet assured that I would come.
I am a different person today. I am still myself, yet stronger in Him.
I’ve been slowly opening up to people about being depressed yet depression is still a struggle for me. When I tell them, almost always they ask the question of how I came out of that specific long period of depression. I would say that God drew me near. How did he do that? What specifically happened? Well, the Holy Spirit had been constantly stirring in me; I just finally started to really listen and act on it. I started thinking that maybe the Holy Spirit knows a thing or two about what I should do.
God worked on me through fellow Christians who cared. He worked on me through podcasts of programs put on by Christians. He worked on me through music by Christian artists. He worked on me through urgings to do the right thing. He worked on me to desire more with Him. He worked on me through great friends who cared, whatever their beliefs.
Two and a half years ago, I gave my life to Christ, a second rebirth, if you will. This time, things have been different, better. I’m not wandering aimlessly anymore. I’m not complacent anymore. The first time, I recognized Christ as my Savior. This time, I recognize him as my Savior and Lord.
To explain how life is better is difficult. I may not know where I’m going or how I’m getting there, but I know with whom I’m going. I think that’s as best as I can explain at this time.
The depression is why I struggle to post here; it's why I think too much in general. I don't want to post something unnecessary, out of pure emotions, yet I want to be truthful about... how I am.
I have my moments. I struggle. I learn and I stumble and I get back up to walk with Him again and I learn and grow and learn to grow…. I’m learning more and more about what it means to be in relationship with Him. I’m learning obedience, trust, to honor people around me, to stand firm on my faith while being open to God’s possibilities.
“Not perfectly but faithfully.” I think that’s becoming my motto.
I also don’t know any other way but to say that I’ve been battling depression for as long as I can remember.
Strange to say this, I was/ am much like how Kristen Stewart portrays Bella Swan in the Twilight movies. I don’t show much emotion. People don’t really surprise me. I feel awkward about gifts and attention, like I can appreciate a gift so much but it doesn’t come across to the gifter how much it means to me.
Even as a child I remember not having much affect in public yet I would cry myself to sleep in the backseat on the way home. Nothing was really wrong and I didn’t know why I would cry, or why I wouldn’t cry even in front of my family. It was always alone.
I accepted Christ when I was 13, but the crying didn’t stop. I had grown up “in the church” yet I didn’t know much about God. I took many opportunities to learn more about this faith I had.
In my third year of college, something happened that gave me something real to cry about. My life took a downward turn. I took a downward turn and the crying became more frantic, sometimes even dangerous.
So began about 9 years of serious yet somewhat functioning depression. I had moments of crying out to God to come and comfort me, and then moments of crying out to God to leave me and not look at me in this condition. My faith was about all I had to go on.
In all of that, God didn’t leave me. He gently drew me to him. It didn’t matter how ugly it got. He was faithful as only God can be, knowing it would take 9 years yet assured that I would come.
I am a different person today. I am still myself, yet stronger in Him.
I’ve been slowly opening up to people about being depressed yet depression is still a struggle for me. When I tell them, almost always they ask the question of how I came out of that specific long period of depression. I would say that God drew me near. How did he do that? What specifically happened? Well, the Holy Spirit had been constantly stirring in me; I just finally started to really listen and act on it. I started thinking that maybe the Holy Spirit knows a thing or two about what I should do.
God worked on me through fellow Christians who cared. He worked on me through podcasts of programs put on by Christians. He worked on me through music by Christian artists. He worked on me through urgings to do the right thing. He worked on me to desire more with Him. He worked on me through great friends who cared, whatever their beliefs.
Two and a half years ago, I gave my life to Christ, a second rebirth, if you will. This time, things have been different, better. I’m not wandering aimlessly anymore. I’m not complacent anymore. The first time, I recognized Christ as my Savior. This time, I recognize him as my Savior and Lord.
To explain how life is better is difficult. I may not know where I’m going or how I’m getting there, but I know with whom I’m going. I think that’s as best as I can explain at this time.
The depression is why I struggle to post here; it's why I think too much in general. I don't want to post something unnecessary, out of pure emotions, yet I want to be truthful about... how I am.
I have my moments. I struggle. I learn and I stumble and I get back up to walk with Him again and I learn and grow and learn to grow…. I’m learning more and more about what it means to be in relationship with Him. I’m learning obedience, trust, to honor people around me, to stand firm on my faith while being open to God’s possibilities.
“Not perfectly but faithfully.” I think that’s becoming my motto.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Your Favorite Book
Your favorite book.
Jane Eyre- by Charlotte Bronte
I have no solid reason why “Jane Eyre” is my favorite book. I mean that it’s not like I would say that it’s the best book ever written [I would honestly say that the best book ever written is the Bible]. I don’t think it would be on many a people’s Top 10 list.
It’s also difficult to speak plainly about it since I don’t have much time to read what I like to these days. My time is taken up with Religion, Hawaiian, and Architecture books. That is to say, it’s been a long long long time since I last read “Jane.”
But oh, “Jane Eyre.” I think overall it has to be her story of perseverance. She went through a lot of junk and of people trying to “hammer the nail that stands up,” so to speak. I think she’s often made aware that she’s different from everyone around her. Then when it seemed she would get something that would make her happy, it doesn’t last for very long before the scenery changes again.
Of all literary characters that I come across, I think I relate most to Jane. That may change over time, I don’t know. I think she was a strong woman for her time, and yes she’s just a character in someone’s story; should that take away from her admirable qualities?
Okay, truthfully, The Bible is my favorite book and “Jane Eyre” is the second. I think I talk about the Bible so much already, I wanted to give something else a chance to shine.
____________________________
A few more goodies:
Pride and Prejudice
Xanth series
Elfquest series
East of Eden
Chronicles of Narnia series
The Hobbit and LOTR series
Crystal Cave series
One Door Away From Heaven
Mere Christianity
The Bell Jar
The Eyes of the Dragon
Things Fall Apart
Glinda of Oz
The Three-inch Golden Lotus
The Song of the Lark
I read a lot of different things. I’ve written before how I’m such a nerd and I have almost every college textbook I’ve ever had to use. Every so often, I’ll do some pre-calc exercises from the book, read some philosophy stuff, try to study some history, etc. I have Hawaiian stuff, Christian stuff, Spanish stuff- just all kinds of books.
Yup.
Jane Eyre- by Charlotte Bronte
I have no solid reason why “Jane Eyre” is my favorite book. I mean that it’s not like I would say that it’s the best book ever written [I would honestly say that the best book ever written is the Bible]. I don’t think it would be on many a people’s Top 10 list.
It’s also difficult to speak plainly about it since I don’t have much time to read what I like to these days. My time is taken up with Religion, Hawaiian, and Architecture books. That is to say, it’s been a long long long time since I last read “Jane.”
But oh, “Jane Eyre.” I think overall it has to be her story of perseverance. She went through a lot of junk and of people trying to “hammer the nail that stands up,” so to speak. I think she’s often made aware that she’s different from everyone around her. Then when it seemed she would get something that would make her happy, it doesn’t last for very long before the scenery changes again.
Of all literary characters that I come across, I think I relate most to Jane. That may change over time, I don’t know. I think she was a strong woman for her time, and yes she’s just a character in someone’s story; should that take away from her admirable qualities?
Okay, truthfully, The Bible is my favorite book and “Jane Eyre” is the second. I think I talk about the Bible so much already, I wanted to give something else a chance to shine.
____________________________
A few more goodies:
Pride and Prejudice
Xanth series
Elfquest series
East of Eden
Chronicles of Narnia series
The Hobbit and LOTR series
Crystal Cave series
One Door Away From Heaven
Mere Christianity
The Bell Jar
The Eyes of the Dragon
Things Fall Apart
Glinda of Oz
The Three-inch Golden Lotus
The Song of the Lark
I read a lot of different things. I’ve written before how I’m such a nerd and I have almost every college textbook I’ve ever had to use. Every so often, I’ll do some pre-calc exercises from the book, read some philosophy stuff, try to study some history, etc. I have Hawaiian stuff, Christian stuff, Spanish stuff- just all kinds of books.
Yup.
Job Prospects
In my second Bible read-through, I just finished the Book of Job. This time, I really wanted to get more out of the reading, if I could. I picked out a book from the church library to possibly help me along.
Well, if I felt the book had been great help, I would tell you which it was. I don’t know if I just didn’t understand it still or …I don’t know. Maybe I just didn’t like the writing style. I don’t think the author was saying anything untrustworthy but I also don’t know that the book was of much use either.
One thing from the book that I thought was interesting and true: that when we’re going through times of suffering, it may mean that everything is right in our lives, as opposed to the idea that our suffering is always a result of our sins, that suffering = punishment.
It’s simple enough. If I could objectively think about suffering while I’m suffering, I would know this and might be comforted by it. I’m becoming more acutely aware of spiritual warfare.
Still, it’s difficult to go a day without a single sin, and then one gets to wondering if some period of suffering isn’t some punishment for the days of sin, even if one has been repentant. God may have the ability to forget our confessed sins, but we are not, and that gets to be a tricky thing.
____________________________
So I don’t know how one can tell if one’s present suffering is due to God’s correction or due to spiritual warfare. I suppose one needs to trust God in prayer and test the spirit of the suffering.
Well, I sense I’ve suffered much and might still be in for more suffering because of my ministry efforts. I was beginning to wonder if all the suffering was due to my sins. How could I not ask that question? Then I think, well, where would those people be if there were no ministry for them? Which alternative was better? And if it took God making me bold enough to do something, and that because my heart's turned towards God, Satan might just be bold enough to try to stop me or to turn me away.
I don't know. I find this all to be daunting and knowing much of my own faults, it’s difficult to believe that God would use me in such a grand way or use me at all for His work. Maybe you can relate to that feeling. The truth is that God is able to use us in whatever capacity, for whatever duty He wants us and that is something I am learning.
Yet, I and others wonder about the move of starting a ministry. I believe that the HS nudged me towards the time I spent working with the Youth Dept., but it wasn’t a call from God. To go from barely doing much as a volunteer to starting and running a ministry… who am I to do that?! Then I think about people who receive Christ and are on fire for Him right away that they dive into ministries. If God can use a new Christian to spread His word and start something, why should He be unable to use me?
I’m still shaking my head, saying, “What are you doing, God?” I also pray that when God does what He does, I won’t miss it!
Well, I still feel like I don’t really understand much about all of the dialog between Job and his friends. I already had an idea about the beginning and ending of it. I don’t know if I’ll seek out an extra source to get through Psalms. I would like to understand Proverbs better, so I think I might read Psalms just from the Bible itself and then get into Proverbs. We’ll see.
And let me know if you can recommend a source on Job- I’m gonna grasp a little more of it someday!
Well, if I felt the book had been great help, I would tell you which it was. I don’t know if I just didn’t understand it still or …I don’t know. Maybe I just didn’t like the writing style. I don’t think the author was saying anything untrustworthy but I also don’t know that the book was of much use either.
One thing from the book that I thought was interesting and true: that when we’re going through times of suffering, it may mean that everything is right in our lives, as opposed to the idea that our suffering is always a result of our sins, that suffering = punishment.
It’s simple enough. If I could objectively think about suffering while I’m suffering, I would know this and might be comforted by it. I’m becoming more acutely aware of spiritual warfare.
Still, it’s difficult to go a day without a single sin, and then one gets to wondering if some period of suffering isn’t some punishment for the days of sin, even if one has been repentant. God may have the ability to forget our confessed sins, but we are not, and that gets to be a tricky thing.
____________________________
So I don’t know how one can tell if one’s present suffering is due to God’s correction or due to spiritual warfare. I suppose one needs to trust God in prayer and test the spirit of the suffering.
Well, I sense I’ve suffered much and might still be in for more suffering because of my ministry efforts. I was beginning to wonder if all the suffering was due to my sins. How could I not ask that question? Then I think, well, where would those people be if there were no ministry for them? Which alternative was better? And if it took God making me bold enough to do something, and that because my heart's turned towards God, Satan might just be bold enough to try to stop me or to turn me away.
I don't know. I find this all to be daunting and knowing much of my own faults, it’s difficult to believe that God would use me in such a grand way or use me at all for His work. Maybe you can relate to that feeling. The truth is that God is able to use us in whatever capacity, for whatever duty He wants us and that is something I am learning.
Yet, I and others wonder about the move of starting a ministry. I believe that the HS nudged me towards the time I spent working with the Youth Dept., but it wasn’t a call from God. To go from barely doing much as a volunteer to starting and running a ministry… who am I to do that?! Then I think about people who receive Christ and are on fire for Him right away that they dive into ministries. If God can use a new Christian to spread His word and start something, why should He be unable to use me?
I’m still shaking my head, saying, “What are you doing, God?” I also pray that when God does what He does, I won’t miss it!
Well, I still feel like I don’t really understand much about all of the dialog between Job and his friends. I already had an idea about the beginning and ending of it. I don’t know if I’ll seek out an extra source to get through Psalms. I would like to understand Proverbs better, so I think I might read Psalms just from the Bible itself and then get into Proverbs. We’ll see.
And let me know if you can recommend a source on Job- I’m gonna grasp a little more of it someday!
Friday, July 9, 2010
That’s My Desire
I was asked recently how I know that ministry or leading isn’t just my desire.
Because it’s not my desire. I’m going after it because it’s God’s desire for me.
I once campaigned to be the eighth grade treasurer of my class. It was the only time I ever tried to be a leader but I still didn’t care about the results. I don’t remember who I lost to. Other than that, I’ve led where there was no leadership.
When did I ever say, “someday I’m going to start a ministry. Someday I’m going to be a leader.” Before God said something, I would have been fine just drawing all this up as theory and not have it come to anything real. I would have been content to stay in the adult choir where I’m more hidden and less uncomfortable.
What power is there in being a leader? Only what God allows, what He gives. Right?
Being a leader sucks, in my opinion. I think people put leaders on a pedestal not to admire them, but to see more of the leader’s imperfections. They put leaders up so that they feel like they have a right to take them down.
Leaders get all the blame and all the criticism. When they fall, they fall in front of more eyes and ears than most others.
I think good leaders aren’t ones with all the answers and the perfect plan. I think leaders give an idea of what’s possible, things we wouldn’t have thought of or have been willing to try before. Leaders are inspiring. I don’t know if I have that.
So what is my desire? Or, what would be my desire if God was not a factor?
“To spend one night with you
In our old rendezvous
And reminisce with you
That's my desire”
I would return to being a shadow in the background. I could go around, doing what I want, generally undetected. People would like me again, and mainly because they don't know me. I’d have more freedom to be myself. I would have nothing rest on my shoulders but to have fun. I wouldn’t be sifting through who’s my friend and who isn’t. People would think that I’m intelligent. I like being a mystery.
I would return to being my own leader; though it was rough, I didn’t have to answer to any other human or prove what I know or don’t know. I could continue my own trials and experience things however I wanted to. I would take theology and philosophy courses because I want to, for my own learning. I would keep my thoughts to myself or share them with like-minded friends.
I’ve only taken one adult Sunday class before any thoughts on ministry [beyond singing in the choir] started. I’d go back to that. I’ve never considered myself to be a young adult. If the church didn’t have Post High when I graduated high school, I probably would have just gone into an adult Sunday class.
I would return to possible pursuits of happiness with other people.
I would have more freedom to spend time with Skywise. I would go star-gazing, cruising, singing, laughing, and exploring.
I would have Pegasus visit again.
It wouldn’t matter what people said. It wouldn’t matter what I do or don’t do.
I’d rather have it easy.
That’s my desire.
Because it’s not my desire. I’m going after it because it’s God’s desire for me.
I once campaigned to be the eighth grade treasurer of my class. It was the only time I ever tried to be a leader but I still didn’t care about the results. I don’t remember who I lost to. Other than that, I’ve led where there was no leadership.
When did I ever say, “someday I’m going to start a ministry. Someday I’m going to be a leader.” Before God said something, I would have been fine just drawing all this up as theory and not have it come to anything real. I would have been content to stay in the adult choir where I’m more hidden and less uncomfortable.
What power is there in being a leader? Only what God allows, what He gives. Right?
Being a leader sucks, in my opinion. I think people put leaders on a pedestal not to admire them, but to see more of the leader’s imperfections. They put leaders up so that they feel like they have a right to take them down.
Leaders get all the blame and all the criticism. When they fall, they fall in front of more eyes and ears than most others.
I think good leaders aren’t ones with all the answers and the perfect plan. I think leaders give an idea of what’s possible, things we wouldn’t have thought of or have been willing to try before. Leaders are inspiring. I don’t know if I have that.
So what is my desire? Or, what would be my desire if God was not a factor?
“To spend one night with you
In our old rendezvous
And reminisce with you
That's my desire”
I would return to being a shadow in the background. I could go around, doing what I want, generally undetected. People would like me again, and mainly because they don't know me. I’d have more freedom to be myself. I would have nothing rest on my shoulders but to have fun. I wouldn’t be sifting through who’s my friend and who isn’t. People would think that I’m intelligent. I like being a mystery.
I would return to being my own leader; though it was rough, I didn’t have to answer to any other human or prove what I know or don’t know. I could continue my own trials and experience things however I wanted to. I would take theology and philosophy courses because I want to, for my own learning. I would keep my thoughts to myself or share them with like-minded friends.
I’ve only taken one adult Sunday class before any thoughts on ministry [beyond singing in the choir] started. I’d go back to that. I’ve never considered myself to be a young adult. If the church didn’t have Post High when I graduated high school, I probably would have just gone into an adult Sunday class.
I would return to possible pursuits of happiness with other people.
I would have more freedom to spend time with Skywise. I would go star-gazing, cruising, singing, laughing, and exploring.
I would have Pegasus visit again.
It wouldn’t matter what people said. It wouldn’t matter what I do or don’t do.
I’d rather have it easy.
That’s my desire.
Where Polar Bears Roam
It has been a good few days, rough at times, but good. One of the very good things has been that I got to spend a few hours on three days almost-in-a-row with a dear friend I don’t see much of anymore.
Backing up a little so you get more of the effect, before I officially met Polar, I had heard of him and his good nature. I don’t know when we were “introduced,” but right away he was accepting of me. We’ve been friends.
Then things changed. Polar is good with hugs but all of a sudden, he was hesitant around me. Don’t say it- I wasn’t imagining things.
And then without Polar knowing anything from me, I walked away from his group.
____________________________
This past Sunday, Polar came to help at church. Friends were getting baptized (yay). I was with the guys, watching from the second story. Polar came on the other side of me and stayed there for the whole baptism. It could be that it was a good spot for viewing; it’s just that he didn’t seem to mind being next to me for once in a long while.
Later, he had a little back-and-forth with Squeaks when I said something about food. This is Polar: he asked me what I wanted and he brings me back a plate of food. He’s always kindly taken care of me and I do my best not to take advantage of his goodness.
I got to hang out with Polar a little more a few days later at a friend’s party.
And then the other night, there was a meeting. I was surprised to see Polar there. Some serious talk happened where I am still separate from others. I know they’re not the only ones who want me around, but Squeaks and Fist so far have publicly stood up for me in some way. Oh, Marshmallow also, though I should probably give him a cooler codename. It’s not that they think I’m so great, just that they’re my friends no matter what and I believe them.
So that night Polar, in the way that only Polar could, stood up for our friendship as well. And I believe him also. Still, I don’t think Polar speaks for the group, he hasn’t been around much in the last year, and I haven’t talked to him so he doesn’t know what I’ve been going through.
____________________________
Switching gears a little, I’m not really used to others standing up for me. I suppose there hasn’t been much cause for someone to do so. I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve stood up for others, but I’ve mostly stood alone. Even if others would echo my sentiments privately to my own face, when it came down to it, I was the only voice to speak out publicly. I’m not a huge activist or anything; I’m just staying that I’ve stood by my convictions and generally don’t waffle.
Well, Polar, Squeaks, Fist, and Marshmallow, they’ll probably never know what they mean to me.
Backing up a little so you get more of the effect, before I officially met Polar, I had heard of him and his good nature. I don’t know when we were “introduced,” but right away he was accepting of me. We’ve been friends.
Then things changed. Polar is good with hugs but all of a sudden, he was hesitant around me. Don’t say it- I wasn’t imagining things.
And then without Polar knowing anything from me, I walked away from his group.
____________________________
This past Sunday, Polar came to help at church. Friends were getting baptized (yay). I was with the guys, watching from the second story. Polar came on the other side of me and stayed there for the whole baptism. It could be that it was a good spot for viewing; it’s just that he didn’t seem to mind being next to me for once in a long while.
Later, he had a little back-and-forth with Squeaks when I said something about food. This is Polar: he asked me what I wanted and he brings me back a plate of food. He’s always kindly taken care of me and I do my best not to take advantage of his goodness.
I got to hang out with Polar a little more a few days later at a friend’s party.
And then the other night, there was a meeting. I was surprised to see Polar there. Some serious talk happened where I am still separate from others. I know they’re not the only ones who want me around, but Squeaks and Fist so far have publicly stood up for me in some way. Oh, Marshmallow also, though I should probably give him a cooler codename. It’s not that they think I’m so great, just that they’re my friends no matter what and I believe them.
So that night Polar, in the way that only Polar could, stood up for our friendship as well. And I believe him also. Still, I don’t think Polar speaks for the group, he hasn’t been around much in the last year, and I haven’t talked to him so he doesn’t know what I’ve been going through.
____________________________
Switching gears a little, I’m not really used to others standing up for me. I suppose there hasn’t been much cause for someone to do so. I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve stood up for others, but I’ve mostly stood alone. Even if others would echo my sentiments privately to my own face, when it came down to it, I was the only voice to speak out publicly. I’m not a huge activist or anything; I’m just staying that I’ve stood by my convictions and generally don’t waffle.
Well, Polar, Squeaks, Fist, and Marshmallow, they’ll probably never know what they mean to me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I: The Best of the Best
Tell us about your best friend.I have a few.
Crusty, I met from church. She started coming to the same church around 1994 or so. She’s the closest person I know to being “the whole package”- she’s indescribably intelligent, beautiful within and without, and talented- and that by practically anybody’s standards. We’ve been through the good and the bad together. Even while our friendship went through an awkward period [for reasons neither of us really know why it was so], we remained together and as close as we could and we came through it together. I admire her greatly and hope to learn from her examples.
Apple, I met from church. I started to really get to know her about 1999 or so through Crusty. We’ve also been through the good and the bad together. We’ve both grown and changed over the years yet an inseparable and unconditional love has formed and we’re bonded together no matter location or time, or who we’ve happened to become. I credit her unbelievable patience, forgiveness and grace with me. She’s smart and beautiful yet I think her greatest possession is an incredibly compassionate soul.
Chulo, I met from first college life. From my perspective, we quickly grew in fondness for each other though took our time developing anything. We never became more than officially friends because for complicated reasons that had nothing to do with Chulo, I returned home to live. We haven’t seen each other since I left, but we’ve kept in touch over the years- it still amazes me. While I’ve spent more years with others at first college, while others spoke of keeping in touch with me, Chulo’s the one that always replied: emails, letters, phone calls, and now FB also. If I had gone back to continue my studies as planned, I’m fairly certain I would have been in danger of first love, and that says a lot. He’s been strong, protective, mature in ways that count, good-tempered, easy to talk to, etc.
They all have amazing smiles that light up my heart! :)
I have many more good friends [among them: Trace, Handsome, Jellee] yet these are my three greatest. It’s difficult to follow these guys, but I’m open to people making the list!
Monday, July 5, 2010
I: Explaining a Scar
Explain how you got one of your scars.
Several years back, I was cleaning and doing major moving things around in my room. A glass candle holder fell on the carpet floor, so I picked it up and put it back on a shelf. Then I knelt down a few minutes later right on top of a glass shard from the candle holder!
When I had picked up the holder, I had given it a quick inspection. I missed the fact that a corner piece was missing. Everything else looked fine.
Anyway, it was late at night. Mom patched me up for the night but it was quite a deep gash. I'm surprised that I didn't faint; maybe I was in shock or maybe I did faint and just think that I fell asleep early. We went to the doctor the next day to have it checked out. He said I should’ve gone to the ER for stitches.
As it is, I am no longer eligible to become a wildly enviable and successful leg model.
Several years back, I was cleaning and doing major moving things around in my room. A glass candle holder fell on the carpet floor, so I picked it up and put it back on a shelf. Then I knelt down a few minutes later right on top of a glass shard from the candle holder!
When I had picked up the holder, I had given it a quick inspection. I missed the fact that a corner piece was missing. Everything else looked fine.
Anyway, it was late at night. Mom patched me up for the night but it was quite a deep gash. I'm surprised that I didn't faint; maybe I was in shock or maybe I did faint and just think that I fell asleep early. We went to the doctor the next day to have it checked out. He said I should’ve gone to the ER for stitches.
As it is, I am no longer eligible to become a wildly enviable and successful leg model.
Friday, July 2, 2010
And Sometimes He Answers
One of the things I’ve been asking God is why am I so afraid? Just in general, afraid. I’ve been asking this the past couple of years.
Fear is not something I was used to before. I used to be more decisive and good with follow-through. When I was interested in someone, I made use of every opportunity I was given to get to know them better. “Ambitious” and “independent” and “brave” were words people used to describe me.
I’m not exactly sure what changed. Was it that I became more aware of how sinful I am in nature? I’ve generally been very sensitive to my own sins, so I’m not sure that’s it. Is it that I’m gaining a better understanding of God’s immensity of power, presence and purity? Maybe? I’m not even sure I can name of what it is I’m afraid.
I’ve been dealing with some pressures lately. In my current Bible read-through, I’m in the middle of Job. I was working on a ministry project and felt the need to pray. It wasn’t that I felt I needed to pray [again] over the ministry project I was working on, just that I needed to pray. I meant to ask God simply if there was a reason these things, things that are not ministry-related, are happening just as I’m reading Job and really trying to understand the book’s purpose.
I opened the prayer as I often do by the Lord’s Prayer. Then things just started pouring out. I asked God if he would explain all this to me someday, this period of stuff I’m going through. I’m not expecting an answer today or tomorrow, just some day. And not that God needs to answer me just as God didn’t need to answer Job but after some time God did answer. I shared how I hope that one day He’ll be able to tell me that I did something right, that however many mistakes I made along the way that He could say that at least I was faithful in obeying Him.
It was one of those times that’s just brief but packed with stuff. So I took a breath and I thought God was saying, or was about to say something and I said quietly, “You [God] are in control, you are in control.”
I’ve been trying to do my daily devotional time first thing in the morning [well, after my waking up routine, that is]. Today, I read the devotional right after that time of prayer.
The devotional book I’m using is one of those 365 day-by-day ones; I think it’s quite a good one. One of the criticisms about 365 ones is that the entry of the day doesn’t always pertain to what one’s going through that particular day. I personally tend to believe that it doesn’t matter so much as that spending time with God is a daily discipline. Even if the passage isn’t particularly relevant [someday it might be], the more important thing is that I’m building the discipline of spending time with God.
And then there are the times when God really speaks through the day’s passage. Today was one of those times.
____________________________
July 2
Integrity Upheld
As for me, You uphold me in my integrity,
And set me before Your face forever.
Psalm 41:12
Joseph was a righteous man who had cultivated a reputation for godliness in his community. Then word spread across the community that Mary, the woman to whom he was engaged, was expecting a child. There would be many who would assume the worst of this apparently scandalous situation. Joseph probably experienced gossip from some, ostracism from others. Yet he was a man of integrity, aware that God knew the truth of his relationship with Mary.
At times, God will be the only witness to your righteous behavior. Sometimes God is the only one who will understand your motives. Sometimes you will do all you know God has asked you to do, only to face ridicule from others. At such times all you can do is maintain your integrity, trusting that God always keeps His eyes on you. God looks favorably upon those who walk with integrity, doing what they know is right, regardless of how others perceive their actions.
The most important thing is not that people know the truth. The most important thing is that you are a person of integrity before God. When no one seems to understand why you have done something or when others question whether you have done all you should have done, your confidence should not be in the hope of vindication in the eyes of others. It should be in the knowledge that God keeps you in His sight. If you have this confidence, it will be enough to sustain you.
[Blackaby and Blackaby. Experiencing God Day-By-Day Devotional. P. 184]
____________________________
So I didn’t think I was going to pray about the ministry stuff but I mostly did.
I don’t usually worry about what other people think. I don’t usually worry about what they might think.
From the beginning of this ministry, I feel like I’ve been trying to get others to understand what I was doing and why, mostly because they expected an explanation from me. One friend had a good sense of what I was trying to do and didn’t ask for explanation, except for times of trying to mediate between me and others. I’m very grateful for her.
I guess I expected at least one other specific person to understand, to at least have my back, but it turns out that person didn’t understand and didn’t have my back. That was painful for me; it is painful for me. I felt like that person was telling me I was completely wrong, like I was going to ruin…something, or that I needed to have the perfect plan for this.
And then others got involved in not understanding and expecting an explanation and full disclosure. I think it was also that the one that didn’t understand, they took that one’s word and interpretation on almost everything I was doing. Didn’t bother to talk to me.
I was frustrated because I wanted others to understand. I still want them to understand. So the thing I’ve been working on the past few weeks has been hindered by the distraction of feeling like “I need them to understand, I need to explain this and this and this and also that. I need to use the exact right words.” I’m feeling a lot of pressure right now.
What was I thinking? I’ve explained some things recently and they didn’t seem to understand that either. I tried doing what people advised, what they wanted me to do, even though some of it has felt wrong to me.
I think I was willing to try to be a people-pleaser [something I’m not known for] because I care so much for these specific people I was trying to please. And this is still scary and still HURTS SO MUCH, but I know what I have to do.
[sigh]
I think, regarding this ministry thing, I’ve been afraid that no one will believe I can do it... and maybe I was starting to believe them more than what God was saying.
I didn’t think I would write so much but here it is.
I am truly sorry that I didn't do things perfectly, yet I'll never be sorry for doing things faithfully.
Thank you for reading.
Fear is not something I was used to before. I used to be more decisive and good with follow-through. When I was interested in someone, I made use of every opportunity I was given to get to know them better. “Ambitious” and “independent” and “brave” were words people used to describe me.
I’m not exactly sure what changed. Was it that I became more aware of how sinful I am in nature? I’ve generally been very sensitive to my own sins, so I’m not sure that’s it. Is it that I’m gaining a better understanding of God’s immensity of power, presence and purity? Maybe? I’m not even sure I can name of what it is I’m afraid.
I’ve been dealing with some pressures lately. In my current Bible read-through, I’m in the middle of Job. I was working on a ministry project and felt the need to pray. It wasn’t that I felt I needed to pray [again] over the ministry project I was working on, just that I needed to pray. I meant to ask God simply if there was a reason these things, things that are not ministry-related, are happening just as I’m reading Job and really trying to understand the book’s purpose.
I opened the prayer as I often do by the Lord’s Prayer. Then things just started pouring out. I asked God if he would explain all this to me someday, this period of stuff I’m going through. I’m not expecting an answer today or tomorrow, just some day. And not that God needs to answer me just as God didn’t need to answer Job but after some time God did answer. I shared how I hope that one day He’ll be able to tell me that I did something right, that however many mistakes I made along the way that He could say that at least I was faithful in obeying Him.
It was one of those times that’s just brief but packed with stuff. So I took a breath and I thought God was saying, or was about to say something and I said quietly, “You [God] are in control, you are in control.”
I’ve been trying to do my daily devotional time first thing in the morning [well, after my waking up routine, that is]. Today, I read the devotional right after that time of prayer.
The devotional book I’m using is one of those 365 day-by-day ones; I think it’s quite a good one. One of the criticisms about 365 ones is that the entry of the day doesn’t always pertain to what one’s going through that particular day. I personally tend to believe that it doesn’t matter so much as that spending time with God is a daily discipline. Even if the passage isn’t particularly relevant [someday it might be], the more important thing is that I’m building the discipline of spending time with God.
And then there are the times when God really speaks through the day’s passage. Today was one of those times.
____________________________
July 2
Integrity Upheld
As for me, You uphold me in my integrity,
And set me before Your face forever.
Psalm 41:12
Joseph was a righteous man who had cultivated a reputation for godliness in his community. Then word spread across the community that Mary, the woman to whom he was engaged, was expecting a child. There would be many who would assume the worst of this apparently scandalous situation. Joseph probably experienced gossip from some, ostracism from others. Yet he was a man of integrity, aware that God knew the truth of his relationship with Mary.
At times, God will be the only witness to your righteous behavior. Sometimes God is the only one who will understand your motives. Sometimes you will do all you know God has asked you to do, only to face ridicule from others. At such times all you can do is maintain your integrity, trusting that God always keeps His eyes on you. God looks favorably upon those who walk with integrity, doing what they know is right, regardless of how others perceive their actions.
The most important thing is not that people know the truth. The most important thing is that you are a person of integrity before God. When no one seems to understand why you have done something or when others question whether you have done all you should have done, your confidence should not be in the hope of vindication in the eyes of others. It should be in the knowledge that God keeps you in His sight. If you have this confidence, it will be enough to sustain you.
[Blackaby and Blackaby. Experiencing God Day-By-Day Devotional. P. 184]
____________________________
So I didn’t think I was going to pray about the ministry stuff but I mostly did.
I don’t usually worry about what other people think. I don’t usually worry about what they might think.
From the beginning of this ministry, I feel like I’ve been trying to get others to understand what I was doing and why, mostly because they expected an explanation from me. One friend had a good sense of what I was trying to do and didn’t ask for explanation, except for times of trying to mediate between me and others. I’m very grateful for her.
I guess I expected at least one other specific person to understand, to at least have my back, but it turns out that person didn’t understand and didn’t have my back. That was painful for me; it is painful for me. I felt like that person was telling me I was completely wrong, like I was going to ruin…something, or that I needed to have the perfect plan for this.
And then others got involved in not understanding and expecting an explanation and full disclosure. I think it was also that the one that didn’t understand, they took that one’s word and interpretation on almost everything I was doing. Didn’t bother to talk to me.
I was frustrated because I wanted others to understand. I still want them to understand. So the thing I’ve been working on the past few weeks has been hindered by the distraction of feeling like “I need them to understand, I need to explain this and this and this and also that. I need to use the exact right words.” I’m feeling a lot of pressure right now.
What was I thinking? I’ve explained some things recently and they didn’t seem to understand that either. I tried doing what people advised, what they wanted me to do, even though some of it has felt wrong to me.
I think I was willing to try to be a people-pleaser [something I’m not known for] because I care so much for these specific people I was trying to please. And this is still scary and still HURTS SO MUCH, but I know what I have to do.
[sigh]
I think, regarding this ministry thing, I’ve been afraid that no one will believe I can do it... and maybe I was starting to believe them more than what God was saying.
I didn’t think I would write so much but here it is.
I am truly sorry that I didn't do things perfectly, yet I'll never be sorry for doing things faithfully.
Thank you for reading.
Good Morning
I was still awake this morning when Dad woke up. We went to Kay’s Bento (for him and Mom) and Tanioka’s (for me). I had to wait about 20 minutes before Tanioka’s opened, but the food is so worth it!
An old Japanese man and a Filipino guy were already there. After a while, the Japanese man started talking to me small kine. He said that he and the other guy were there just to buy bait. I couldn’t hear what he said he used for bait. Another Filipino guy drove up in a blue truck. The Japanese man said good thing he came early and beat the blue truck guy there ‘cuz the blue truck guy going buy all the bait. That guy catch ‘lotta fish.
At another stop off, a guy was coming out, followed by a young man about 11 years old. The young man held the door open for Dad and me. I said, “Thank you” and he said, “You’re welcome.” Oh, he had such a sweet little voice!
Just thought I’d share that. : )
An old Japanese man and a Filipino guy were already there. After a while, the Japanese man started talking to me small kine. He said that he and the other guy were there just to buy bait. I couldn’t hear what he said he used for bait. Another Filipino guy drove up in a blue truck. The Japanese man said good thing he came early and beat the blue truck guy there ‘cuz the blue truck guy going buy all the bait. That guy catch ‘lotta fish.
At another stop off, a guy was coming out, followed by a young man about 11 years old. The young man held the door open for Dad and me. I said, “Thank you” and he said, “You’re welcome.” Oh, he had such a sweet little voice!
Just thought I’d share that. : )
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Strong Silent Speaks
I had a very good afternoon the other day. My cat spoke on camara!
To understand, this is my possibly autistic cat dealing with middle-cat syndrome. She rarely says anything at all. Whenever she does, I get so happy!
It’s also funny to me because I don’t think it sounds like a “meow.” It’s more like a “rawp.”
Whenever she would “rawp” and I would pull out the camara, she’s so fascinated that she would stick her nose right in the lens while keeping silent.
Here's the video, I hope this works.
To understand, this is my possibly autistic cat dealing with middle-cat syndrome. She rarely says anything at all. Whenever she does, I get so happy!
It’s also funny to me because I don’t think it sounds like a “meow.” It’s more like a “rawp.”
Whenever she would “rawp” and I would pull out the camara, she’s so fascinated that she would stick her nose right in the lens while keeping silent.
Here's the video, I hope this works.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
It’s All Relative
I sometimes wonder about my parents. I can’t imagine what it means to be responsible for another person’s life, and not doing any of it for mere obligation, rather, for something more- because you love that person.
I know my parents love me. I think I scare them sometimes.
But I think it’s scarier for them to feel responsible, actually responsible for certain things, even if it’s something beyond their control.
Dad has really dry skin. His legs and arms look quite scaly at times, very leathery. It’s from always working outside, not caring much for sunscreen. In the last few years, he’s finally started to use lotion, but it seems to be too late.
Recently Dad asked me if my legs were like his, dry and scaly. He seemed truly concerned. I said no.
Truth is, my skin is on the way to becoming like his. Similar bad habits, I suppose; that, and the fact that I have naturally dry skin. I used to have rash spots when I was younger.
So last week, I bought a pumice stone for skin. I’m also using it this time, trying it on my legs for now to see if it’ll help get rid of some scaliness. I’ve also become more serious about using lotion.
____________________________
Also recently, Dad got some serious news. “Hereditary” is the word.
…
I’m just glad that he didn’t cry for the second time in my life, not for this.
I wonder sometimes, what else lies in my family history. For now, I’m doing my best to keep to God, so that this won’t become a tool that further separates me from others. Hunters often like to isolate their prey from the pack.
It’s a constant struggle, but perhaps strength of determination and hope are in my family history.
I know my parents love me. I think I scare them sometimes.
But I think it’s scarier for them to feel responsible, actually responsible for certain things, even if it’s something beyond their control.
Dad has really dry skin. His legs and arms look quite scaly at times, very leathery. It’s from always working outside, not caring much for sunscreen. In the last few years, he’s finally started to use lotion, but it seems to be too late.
Recently Dad asked me if my legs were like his, dry and scaly. He seemed truly concerned. I said no.
Truth is, my skin is on the way to becoming like his. Similar bad habits, I suppose; that, and the fact that I have naturally dry skin. I used to have rash spots when I was younger.
So last week, I bought a pumice stone for skin. I’m also using it this time, trying it on my legs for now to see if it’ll help get rid of some scaliness. I’ve also become more serious about using lotion.
____________________________
Also recently, Dad got some serious news. “Hereditary” is the word.
…
I’m just glad that he didn’t cry for the second time in my life, not for this.
I wonder sometimes, what else lies in my family history. For now, I’m doing my best to keep to God, so that this won’t become a tool that further separates me from others. Hunters often like to isolate their prey from the pack.
It’s a constant struggle, but perhaps strength of determination and hope are in my family history.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I: Your Favorite Movie.
I love redemption stories. I have no all-time favorite. Instead, here I’m going to list ones I would recommend to those whom haven’t seen them yet. [Caution: if you are particularly sensitive regarding questionable content, I suggest looking the titles up on a site like www.pluggedin.com or check a synopsis; most of these movies I would say are for adult audiences only].
____________________________
It’s a Wonderful Life
Classic goodness! I finally watched it a couple years ago. I finally know why people love it. I also want Donna Reed’s wardrobe from this movie. For all those times I wonder “What does it matter?” Well, it matters.
Life as a House
The story has a good arc and a redemption quality to it. This might be my FAVORITE movie, at least top 5. It shows what is possible if YOU decide to be different and how YOUR starting something can affect those around you.
In Her Shoes
This one is about doing away with some expectations, exceeding others, and redemption. This may be my favorite chick flick.
The Story of Us
A portrayal of marriage, unglamorous yet committed with love, rough and difficult but tough enough to withstand it all and worth it.
The Majestic
Jim Carrey’s character becomes someone he’s not, and it’s a good thing.
Big Fish
One of the few Tim Burton films that I enjoy. I think each part and each actor/actress were perfect in their places. It’s fantastically fantastical in its art direction and storytelling.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Good interpretation of the book, in my opinion. C.S. Lewis is a master storyteller. The acting is wonderful, especially by the children, the professor, and Mr. Tumnus.
Shawshank Redemption
Stephen King, another master storyteller- that alone makes me intrigued. I haven’t read the short story this movie is based on. The reveal near the end was done very well; it makes one appreciate every scene that leads up to it and the fine acting that brought it to life.
The Contender
A true polítical thriller, amazing casting, great acting, good intelligent script. The main story is about the President wanting a woman confirmed as the next VP and the scrutiny the woman goes through.
The Last Castle
A thriller about the difference between born leaders and made leaders as illustrated within a military prison.
Redemption
As I’ve said, I love redemption stories and this one has it for the title. It follows the story of Stan “Tookie” Williams, from being a founder of the L.A. Crips gang to prison to Nobel Peace Prize nominations.
August Rush
The treatment of music alone is worth the viewing of this movie.
____________________________
What movie(s) would you recommend?
____________________________
It’s a Wonderful Life
Classic goodness! I finally watched it a couple years ago. I finally know why people love it. I also want Donna Reed’s wardrobe from this movie. For all those times I wonder “What does it matter?” Well, it matters.
Life as a House
The story has a good arc and a redemption quality to it. This might be my FAVORITE movie, at least top 5. It shows what is possible if YOU decide to be different and how YOUR starting something can affect those around you.
In Her Shoes
This one is about doing away with some expectations, exceeding others, and redemption. This may be my favorite chick flick.
The Story of Us
A portrayal of marriage, unglamorous yet committed with love, rough and difficult but tough enough to withstand it all and worth it.
The Majestic
Jim Carrey’s character becomes someone he’s not, and it’s a good thing.
Big Fish
One of the few Tim Burton films that I enjoy. I think each part and each actor/actress were perfect in their places. It’s fantastically fantastical in its art direction and storytelling.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Good interpretation of the book, in my opinion. C.S. Lewis is a master storyteller. The acting is wonderful, especially by the children, the professor, and Mr. Tumnus.
Shawshank Redemption
Stephen King, another master storyteller- that alone makes me intrigued. I haven’t read the short story this movie is based on. The reveal near the end was done very well; it makes one appreciate every scene that leads up to it and the fine acting that brought it to life.
The Contender
A true polítical thriller, amazing casting, great acting, good intelligent script. The main story is about the President wanting a woman confirmed as the next VP and the scrutiny the woman goes through.
The Last Castle
A thriller about the difference between born leaders and made leaders as illustrated within a military prison.
Redemption
As I’ve said, I love redemption stories and this one has it for the title. It follows the story of Stan “Tookie” Williams, from being a founder of the L.A. Crips gang to prison to Nobel Peace Prize nominations.
August Rush
The treatment of music alone is worth the viewing of this movie.
____________________________
What movie(s) would you recommend?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Interview: Your Favorite Song
O Holy Night.
In high school, I was in the youth choir at church. We went Christmas caroling at the SC. Daida was in the back and sang the leading solo in “O Holy Night.” It was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard.
I paid attention to the words after that and I think it’s the most beautiful song of all time! I have at least three renditions of it on my player. I will sing it all year long. I cannot listen to the Dion version- it ruins it for me.
The original was in French. From what I can tell in finding literal English translations of the original French and in the hymn as traditionally sung in English, it tells of the birth of Jesus the Christ and the redemption of mankind that the birth brings.
I love stories/ songs/ acts of redemption! Don’t you?
So “O Holy Night” is my all-time favorite song. [Link to related entry]
____________________________
Other goods:
You Will Make It- Jem
A difficult song to listen to sometimes. To me, it’s about life; it’s about going through loss and depression, and then allowing oneself to live on.
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor- Bach [Baroque period]
I think it has to be the organ; I saw someone on YouTube play this on violin- doesn’t do it for me. What I like about T&F is that it moves; it has swells and foreground/background interplay and heavy/light sections. I don’t understand how anyone can listen to this and think that classical music [the genre, not period] is boring.
Clarinet Concerto in A major, K. 622- Mozart [Classical period]
If I mention T&F, I have to mention K.622. I played the clarinet. Not many concertos were written featuring the clarinet. It has three movements: Allegro, Adagio and Rondo. Adagio is the most recognized section. While T&F sounds furious at times, K.622 takes its swells at a much gentler pace.
Sweet Okole- Keola and Kapono Beamer
I’m not always serious about my song choices! This is a fun song, as is typical of “Hawaiian” songs, just laid back and talking story. This also has special meaning to me that I will leave for a possible future entry.
Tu Amor Me Hace Bien- Marc Anthony
I think it translates to “Your love makes me well.” Isn’t that a wonderful thought? The version I like is considered Andean I think, from the “Amar Sin Mentiras” album; there is also a salsa version.
I Enjoy Being a Girl- [Musical: Flower Drum Song]
I enjoy being a female. I don’t identify with most of the song but I think it’s lovely, as girls should be. Nancy Kwan’s performance of this song is delightful.
Under the Bridge- RHCP
“I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way.” Red Hot always has great bass in their music! I like the video also- I remember that he’s singing this while walking along the streets of L.A. [I think]. I think it’s another song about brokenness and going after something better, choosing to do better.
Strong Enough- Stacie Orrico
“Will my scars forever ruin all God’s plan?”
I like singing this song when I’m just… GRRRR!... inside. It calms me down and reminds me to focus on God because only He is in control.
____________________________
I think I would say that in general I like Rock & Roll and songs about brokenness. As you can see, I appreciate many genres, except for maybe scream-o music; I like being able to tell about what people are singing. There are SO many other songs I’d wanna mention.
What is your favorite song?
In high school, I was in the youth choir at church. We went Christmas caroling at the SC. Daida was in the back and sang the leading solo in “O Holy Night.” It was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard.
I paid attention to the words after that and I think it’s the most beautiful song of all time! I have at least three renditions of it on my player. I will sing it all year long. I cannot listen to the Dion version- it ruins it for me.
The original was in French. From what I can tell in finding literal English translations of the original French and in the hymn as traditionally sung in English, it tells of the birth of Jesus the Christ and the redemption of mankind that the birth brings.
I love stories/ songs/ acts of redemption! Don’t you?
So “O Holy Night” is my all-time favorite song. [Link to related entry]
____________________________
Other goods:
You Will Make It- Jem
A difficult song to listen to sometimes. To me, it’s about life; it’s about going through loss and depression, and then allowing oneself to live on.
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor- Bach [Baroque period]
I think it has to be the organ; I saw someone on YouTube play this on violin- doesn’t do it for me. What I like about T&F is that it moves; it has swells and foreground/background interplay and heavy/light sections. I don’t understand how anyone can listen to this and think that classical music [the genre, not period] is boring.
Clarinet Concerto in A major, K. 622- Mozart [Classical period]
If I mention T&F, I have to mention K.622. I played the clarinet. Not many concertos were written featuring the clarinet. It has three movements: Allegro, Adagio and Rondo. Adagio is the most recognized section. While T&F sounds furious at times, K.622 takes its swells at a much gentler pace.
Sweet Okole- Keola and Kapono Beamer
I’m not always serious about my song choices! This is a fun song, as is typical of “Hawaiian” songs, just laid back and talking story. This also has special meaning to me that I will leave for a possible future entry.
Tu Amor Me Hace Bien- Marc Anthony
I think it translates to “Your love makes me well.” Isn’t that a wonderful thought? The version I like is considered Andean I think, from the “Amar Sin Mentiras” album; there is also a salsa version.
I Enjoy Being a Girl- [Musical: Flower Drum Song]
I enjoy being a female. I don’t identify with most of the song but I think it’s lovely, as girls should be. Nancy Kwan’s performance of this song is delightful.
Under the Bridge- RHCP
“I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way.” Red Hot always has great bass in their music! I like the video also- I remember that he’s singing this while walking along the streets of L.A. [I think]. I think it’s another song about brokenness and going after something better, choosing to do better.
Strong Enough- Stacie Orrico
“Will my scars forever ruin all God’s plan?”
I like singing this song when I’m just… GRRRR!... inside. It calms me down and reminds me to focus on God because only He is in control.
____________________________
I think I would say that in general I like Rock & Roll and songs about brokenness. As you can see, I appreciate many genres, except for maybe scream-o music; I like being able to tell about what people are singing. There are SO many other songs I’d wanna mention.
What is your favorite song?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Elephant and Mouse
Elephant and Mouse are hanging out one day. Elephant begins to wonder, “Why… am I… so… big and you’re so… small?”
Mouse coughs. “Can I ‘elp it? I’been sick!”
____________________________
I was watching some special features from the “Pride and Prejudice” DVD. The lady who plays Mrs. Bennet tells that joke during a break. I thought it was funny. It’s a simple enough joke that even I can’t mess up!
Maybe it would help if you could hear the voices.
:)
Mouse coughs. “Can I ‘elp it? I’been sick!”
____________________________
I was watching some special features from the “Pride and Prejudice” DVD. The lady who plays Mrs. Bennet tells that joke during a break. I thought it was funny. It’s a simple enough joke that even I can’t mess up!
Maybe it would help if you could hear the voices.
:)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Untitled [6.19.2010]
Oh God, you are in control. That’s what I’ve been telling my friends. When we can’t see what you’re doing, when we don’t care to see, when things go well and things are not as we wish them, you are sovereign. Nothing surprises you for you know all things. Nothing is done without your knowledge of it.
You said you wouldn’t give me more than I can bear. It’s difficult for me to imagine that I’m not near my limit.
I’m reading in Job. Could I be half as faithful? Is it at all possible for me? I would think that would be enough to get through this. If you would take it all, how can I do anything other than to follow in Job’s footsteps to say that it all belongs to you. All I have, all I am, all was only because you allowed it. I had nothing and you gave me life. I had no one and you brought me into a family.
Thank you for the kindness you’ve shown me so far.
It all belongs to you. You are in control of it all.
Please, be true to your promise that you will never leave me. Please, may I prove to be faithful to you, help me to be faithful to you.
As long as it’s you, God. May I follow as long as it’s you.
You said you wouldn’t give me more than I can bear. It’s difficult for me to imagine that I’m not near my limit.
I’m reading in Job. Could I be half as faithful? Is it at all possible for me? I would think that would be enough to get through this. If you would take it all, how can I do anything other than to follow in Job’s footsteps to say that it all belongs to you. All I have, all I am, all was only because you allowed it. I had nothing and you gave me life. I had no one and you brought me into a family.
Thank you for the kindness you’ve shown me so far.
It all belongs to you. You are in control of it all.
Please, be true to your promise that you will never leave me. Please, may I prove to be faithful to you, help me to be faithful to you.
As long as it’s you, God. May I follow as long as it’s you.
Sometimes It Is That Easy
So I hadn’t seen a friend in months. He asked to hang out with me. “It’s been too long.”
Also, our friend Chemist is leaving for a trip soon. So Broke, Chemist, and I hung out a few nights ago.
It was good and relaxing. Drama-free. I needed that.
We started out with gelato. I had Red Orange with Grapenuts. Broke got Mint with Chocolate. Chemist tried the Strawberry Lychee Tapioca in Green Apple.
I thought the RO was good. I tend towards having something crunchy with my ice cream-ish desserts, which is usually graham cracker crumbs. I don’t recommend the Grapenuts, unless you enjoy having your skull vibrate each time you crunch down. As for me, I think I’ll stick with the cracker crumbs!
I’ve missed hearing Chemist tell her stories about “The 100% Word” and the writing she’s working on and such. I’ve missed hearing Broke talk about sci-fi shows and movies.
We moved over to the mall of the nearby SC, my old stomping grounds. So much has changed yet a lot is still the same. I got caught by a kiosk lady who proceeded to straighten my hair. Actually it was re-straightening, since I had already straightened my hair earlier in the day. The lady asked if I was Korean and I said no, Chinese. She said I was pretty. She couldn’t believe that I was [the age that I was last year]. I still walked away with all the money I had.
Chemist reminded me that I could have answered that I was Korean and would have been “truthful.” Broke didn’t get it so I explained.
We talked about God’s forgiveness: does God forgive everyone everything or does He only forgive once someone repents? I kind of think yes and somewhat no, that He forgives everyone everything while still setting consequences for us for our actions. I would think it hard to believe that He would set His redemption plan into motion if He hadn’t already forgiven. Then when we repent, He also forgives. It isn’t that He forgives again, but that when we repent, He joins us in the process of reconciliation and in that way forgives us.
I don’t know if that’s true or not. In the least, I believe that God definitely wants to forgive us. I caution about trying to understand His ways by our human ways, logic or experiences.
When we were walking back to the car which was parked on the bottom level of the parking structure, I saw this thing hanging from the ceiling. It was like frayed string or something. I thought it looked like a hanging chicken. Of course I had to point it out to my friends; how could I let them miss a sight like that?! There was a little fluff, a bigger poofier fluff, and then two straight pieces hanging down.
Later, we were talking about weirdness and what is normal. I told them how I feel so plain, so boring, so “average.” And then I will think differently or see things differently, like hanging chickens! So then I will feel so odd and strangely from everyone around me. I suppose I could be unique and still be boring.
Venues were closing down. We just kept talking in the car, so Chemist drove to my place. We stayed in the car in my driveway, talking some more. It started to rain so I had Chemist park in the carport [the family’s on one car for the time being]. And we talked a bit more.
____________________________
So, I told them that I think I relate well to Bella Swan from the "Twilight" movies, or at least to Kristen Stewart's portrayal of Bella. It somewhat bothers me 'cuz I don't like Stewart's acting. Anyways, I relate to how Bella seems quite unaffected by things and how she deals with personal torment on her own [in "New Moon," her nightmares and such]. It's sort of the "So you're a vampire. Okay. So you're a werewolf. Okay." I think that's how I would have reacted in that situation also, not in awe and not in fear of who people are.
I asked if "aloof" is the word for that unaffectedness. Chemist said that's not the 100% word, and also that "aloof" tends to have a negative connotation to it. I shrugged, I didn't think it had a negative connotation. Is that part of how I'm unaffected, I'm unaffected by connotations? I dunno.
____________________________
Broke was right. It had been too long.
I had a good time.
Also, our friend Chemist is leaving for a trip soon. So Broke, Chemist, and I hung out a few nights ago.
It was good and relaxing. Drama-free. I needed that.
We started out with gelato. I had Red Orange with Grapenuts. Broke got Mint with Chocolate. Chemist tried the Strawberry Lychee Tapioca in Green Apple.
I thought the RO was good. I tend towards having something crunchy with my ice cream-ish desserts, which is usually graham cracker crumbs. I don’t recommend the Grapenuts, unless you enjoy having your skull vibrate each time you crunch down. As for me, I think I’ll stick with the cracker crumbs!
I’ve missed hearing Chemist tell her stories about “The 100% Word” and the writing she’s working on and such. I’ve missed hearing Broke talk about sci-fi shows and movies.
We moved over to the mall of the nearby SC, my old stomping grounds. So much has changed yet a lot is still the same. I got caught by a kiosk lady who proceeded to straighten my hair. Actually it was re-straightening, since I had already straightened my hair earlier in the day. The lady asked if I was Korean and I said no, Chinese. She said I was pretty. She couldn’t believe that I was [the age that I was last year]. I still walked away with all the money I had.
Chemist reminded me that I could have answered that I was Korean and would have been “truthful.” Broke didn’t get it so I explained.
We talked about God’s forgiveness: does God forgive everyone everything or does He only forgive once someone repents? I kind of think yes and somewhat no, that He forgives everyone everything while still setting consequences for us for our actions. I would think it hard to believe that He would set His redemption plan into motion if He hadn’t already forgiven. Then when we repent, He also forgives. It isn’t that He forgives again, but that when we repent, He joins us in the process of reconciliation and in that way forgives us.
I don’t know if that’s true or not. In the least, I believe that God definitely wants to forgive us. I caution about trying to understand His ways by our human ways, logic or experiences.
When we were walking back to the car which was parked on the bottom level of the parking structure, I saw this thing hanging from the ceiling. It was like frayed string or something. I thought it looked like a hanging chicken. Of course I had to point it out to my friends; how could I let them miss a sight like that?! There was a little fluff, a bigger poofier fluff, and then two straight pieces hanging down.
Later, we were talking about weirdness and what is normal. I told them how I feel so plain, so boring, so “average.” And then I will think differently or see things differently, like hanging chickens! So then I will feel so odd and strangely from everyone around me. I suppose I could be unique and still be boring.
Venues were closing down. We just kept talking in the car, so Chemist drove to my place. We stayed in the car in my driveway, talking some more. It started to rain so I had Chemist park in the carport [the family’s on one car for the time being]. And we talked a bit more.
____________________________
So, I told them that I think I relate well to Bella Swan from the "Twilight" movies, or at least to Kristen Stewart's portrayal of Bella. It somewhat bothers me 'cuz I don't like Stewart's acting. Anyways, I relate to how Bella seems quite unaffected by things and how she deals with personal torment on her own [in "New Moon," her nightmares and such]. It's sort of the "So you're a vampire. Okay. So you're a werewolf. Okay." I think that's how I would have reacted in that situation also, not in awe and not in fear of who people are.
I asked if "aloof" is the word for that unaffectedness. Chemist said that's not the 100% word, and also that "aloof" tends to have a negative connotation to it. I shrugged, I didn't think it had a negative connotation. Is that part of how I'm unaffected, I'm unaffected by connotations? I dunno.
____________________________
Broke was right. It had been too long.
I had a good time.
What Do You See?
Jennedy Lens
Sex: Female
Relationship Status: Single
Children:
What kind of person do you see?
A] A loose female whom has had 4 kids by 3 different men and is probably going to end up with more.
B] A woman who adopted her sister’s kid after her sister was put into prison, had two children with her husband whom is deceased after a horrific accident, and adopted an orphan because she and her husband had always talked of doing so.
We might look at someone and see their stats or their job or their clothes or their friends, but we’re not seeing them. We’re looking at the whats and not past them to the who. We’re looking at minute details but not seeing the whole person.
What if Woman A, whatever her faults and trials, faithfully prays and takes her children to church? What if Woman B “collects” these kids in order to look good in front of people in public but abuses the children privately?
____________________________
I can’t think at the moment of how to formalize this into a whole piece. Maybe it’ll come to me later. [And yes, I made up the names myself and the names may or may not have anything to do with the “interesting” names of my future kids].
I just wanted to say, start having conversations with each other, real, meaningful conversations.
Sex: Female
Relationship Status: Single
Children:
Farquar LensInterested In: Men
Remedy Lens
Honor Vitale
Quake Develle
What kind of person do you see?
A] A loose female whom has had 4 kids by 3 different men and is probably going to end up with more.
B] A woman who adopted her sister’s kid after her sister was put into prison, had two children with her husband whom is deceased after a horrific accident, and adopted an orphan because she and her husband had always talked of doing so.
We might look at someone and see their stats or their job or their clothes or their friends, but we’re not seeing them. We’re looking at the whats and not past them to the who. We’re looking at minute details but not seeing the whole person.
What if Woman A, whatever her faults and trials, faithfully prays and takes her children to church? What if Woman B “collects” these kids in order to look good in front of people in public but abuses the children privately?
____________________________
I can’t think at the moment of how to formalize this into a whole piece. Maybe it’ll come to me later. [And yes, I made up the names myself and the names may or may not have anything to do with the “interesting” names of my future kids].
I just wanted to say, start having conversations with each other, real, meaningful conversations.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Spoiled Fruit?
Even when I can get a grasp on something, the part about faith that is great, fascinating and sometimes frustrating is that element of doubt. Faith cannot be reasoned out, not completely. It’s all about heart. The Christian and the Atheist both have faith; one has faith that there is God and the Atheist has faith that there isn’t. It’s a matter of which way your heart is turned. At least, that’s what I’ve come to believe; I could always be wrong.
I sound somewhat sure in the previous post, but I’m not. I still have questions.
As in, if a good tree cannot bear bad fruit and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit, does creeping sin and honest repentance have any effect on this analogy that Jesus gave us?
For instance, can a good tree become poisoned and, instead of bearing good fruit, begins to bear bad fruit? Can honest repentance be a metaphor for the gardener [Jesus] taking out the poisoned part of the tree so that it can bear good fruit again?
And if this were the case, the good fruit that was already harvested, I suppose they can remain good if it had been broken off from the tree before the tree became poisoned. Perhaps?
What about time? I would think it’s difficult to go through a day without sinning once. Would that one sin already poison the tree? Or is it only if that sin goes unchecked? I would think it’s more towards the unchecked sin that spreads because if one sin could ruin the tree, then there wouldn’t be any good trees for long, I would think.
I certainly believe that murder is worse than a white lie, it definitely brings about worse consequences, but I also believe that sin is sin. So would a white lie be enough to start the poisoning? Would murder ruin the whole tree all at once?
Are the trees people? Are the fruits people? I think perhaps the fruit might be people or maybe relationships or possibly the planting of the seed of God’s love in another’s life. I can’t think that good fruit is merely good acts because even an atheist can do good acts. Hmmm…character?
Is the goodness of the tree an analogy for the goodness of a heart towards God?
This is why I am not partial to pick apart a metaphor too much. Yet, I do it anyway.
Think about what you believe. Act on what you believe.
I sound somewhat sure in the previous post, but I’m not. I still have questions.
As in, if a good tree cannot bear bad fruit and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit, does creeping sin and honest repentance have any effect on this analogy that Jesus gave us?
For instance, can a good tree become poisoned and, instead of bearing good fruit, begins to bear bad fruit? Can honest repentance be a metaphor for the gardener [Jesus] taking out the poisoned part of the tree so that it can bear good fruit again?
And if this were the case, the good fruit that was already harvested, I suppose they can remain good if it had been broken off from the tree before the tree became poisoned. Perhaps?
What about time? I would think it’s difficult to go through a day without sinning once. Would that one sin already poison the tree? Or is it only if that sin goes unchecked? I would think it’s more towards the unchecked sin that spreads because if one sin could ruin the tree, then there wouldn’t be any good trees for long, I would think.
I certainly believe that murder is worse than a white lie, it definitely brings about worse consequences, but I also believe that sin is sin. So would a white lie be enough to start the poisoning? Would murder ruin the whole tree all at once?
Are the trees people? Are the fruits people? I think perhaps the fruit might be people or maybe relationships or possibly the planting of the seed of God’s love in another’s life. I can’t think that good fruit is merely good acts because even an atheist can do good acts. Hmmm…character?
Is the goodness of the tree an analogy for the goodness of a heart towards God?
This is why I am not partial to pick apart a metaphor too much. Yet, I do it anyway.
Think about what you believe. Act on what you believe.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Fruit Displays
13You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature[a]; rather, serve one another in love. 14The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."[b] 15If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
Life by the Spirit
16So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
[Taken from Biblegateway.com, NIV. Emphasis added.]
____________________________
I’ve been thinking about this deal of seeing the fruit of the spirit as the outflow or manifestation of a Christian walking with God. At this time I can only think of helping the illustration with some examples I’ve experienced of people who've displayed good fruit in my life.
I was upset while at church one Sunday. I found a quiet place where I could relax and calm myself. A few people passed by here and there but I was kind of off to the side.
Mr. D saw me and stopped. He asked if I was okay and I said I would be. He said I shouldn’t be alone and tried to persuade me to go where there were people. I needed more time. He repeated that I shouldn’t be by myself. He stood there, not quite knowing what to do. Then he walked away.
I thought that was okay, maybe he would pray for me when he gets home or something.
Not more than 10 minutes later, Jo came by. She sat with me, saying that Mr. D asked her to come for me. I didn’t want to talk about what upset me, so Jo talked instead. Then she prayed for me.
I believe Mr. D spends time with God. I don’t know Mr. D very well, haven’t had much interaction with him. He might just think of me as his son’s friend or the girl that used to help with the youth. From what I know of him, he seems like a socially timid man, a nature I can understand. I also understand a good man not wanting to do anything that would seem improper with a single young female. It’s uncomfortable to see someone upset and not know what to do.
Yet Mr. D cared for someone in need of care and sought a way to do something about it. He didn’t wait for a solution [another person] to appear; he worked urgently to find someone.
I believe Jo spends time with God. It didn’t take long for her to find me. She was gentle in her care of me. The big indication was the prayer. I didn’t spill my heart to her about the offense I felt yet when she prayed, they were words I needed to hear. The prayer addressed the specific situation I was in.
Both Mr. D and Jo were right: no one should be alone. God certainly doesn’t want anyone to feel alone, for He cares for each one of us and He is all around us, wanting our attention yet being gentle about it. I saw what Mr. D and Jo did as an outflow of their time with God.
____________________________
I think one can tell if someone’s been spending time with Christ. Again, A true spirit sensitive to God should become evident to those around them.
I try to think if people can tell that I’ve been spending time with God. I’d like to think that it’s starting to come out, yet I can’t answer that with any level of credibility.
Instead, I will give an example of how I learned from Mr. D and Jo’s example aided with the urging of the Holy Spirit.
A young friend of mine T seems prone to mood swings. I’ve seen him be down and have others shy away from him when he’s down; I understand it. I don’t know what to do in such situations any more than those others do. Still, I wanted to do something to show my care, so that my friend would know that someone [Christ] cared.
I asked T if he was okay. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He shook his head. I saw his skateboard on the side. I have a slight fear of having wheels on my feet but I saw a possible opportunity to draw T out; I can only think the idea was from God. I brought T’s board over and asked him if he’d teach me how to ride.
He perked up right away. Oh no, I had to actually get on the board! I got on and T stood by to help me gain a balance. He still didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him but he was smiling his great smile again.
Later that same day, we were walking from one area of the church to the next, following behind the rest of the group. He told me what was bothering him. He’s opened up to me about things ever since. I hardly have to say anything but “What’s up?” Recently I’ve started bringing God into our conversations, gently and as prompted by the HS.
____________________________
A Tree and Its Fruit
15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'
[Emphasis added]
____________________________
So I’d like to think that in a few years time, it will be more evident to others that I’ve been spending time with God. I know how much I love God but it’s of little use to God if others don’t know it. If I don’t allow God to make a difference in my life, why should others want to give God a chance to make a difference in theirs? Yes, God could get their attention on His own; I can’t account for why He often chooses people to minister to each other and it’s an amazing opportunity that I have recently started to enjoy.
There are hungry people in the world, Christians and non-Christians, I believe. They’re looking for the fruit, even if they don’t know that’s what they’re asking for.
Who are the people you would say are good Christians? What about them makes you believe that they are so?
What are the fruits of those around you? Are they displaying good fruit or bad fruit? What are they and why are they good or bad?
Are you recognized for good fruit or for bad fruit? What kind of fruit would you like to be recognized by?
In what ways could you display more of the Spirit in your life?
God empowers us to display good fruit. Ask Him to guide you.
Life by the Spirit
16So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
[Taken from Biblegateway.com, NIV. Emphasis added.]
____________________________
I’ve been thinking about this deal of seeing the fruit of the spirit as the outflow or manifestation of a Christian walking with God. At this time I can only think of helping the illustration with some examples I’ve experienced of people who've displayed good fruit in my life.
I was upset while at church one Sunday. I found a quiet place where I could relax and calm myself. A few people passed by here and there but I was kind of off to the side.
Mr. D saw me and stopped. He asked if I was okay and I said I would be. He said I shouldn’t be alone and tried to persuade me to go where there were people. I needed more time. He repeated that I shouldn’t be by myself. He stood there, not quite knowing what to do. Then he walked away.
I thought that was okay, maybe he would pray for me when he gets home or something.
Not more than 10 minutes later, Jo came by. She sat with me, saying that Mr. D asked her to come for me. I didn’t want to talk about what upset me, so Jo talked instead. Then she prayed for me.
I believe Mr. D spends time with God. I don’t know Mr. D very well, haven’t had much interaction with him. He might just think of me as his son’s friend or the girl that used to help with the youth. From what I know of him, he seems like a socially timid man, a nature I can understand. I also understand a good man not wanting to do anything that would seem improper with a single young female. It’s uncomfortable to see someone upset and not know what to do.
Yet Mr. D cared for someone in need of care and sought a way to do something about it. He didn’t wait for a solution [another person] to appear; he worked urgently to find someone.
I believe Jo spends time with God. It didn’t take long for her to find me. She was gentle in her care of me. The big indication was the prayer. I didn’t spill my heart to her about the offense I felt yet when she prayed, they were words I needed to hear. The prayer addressed the specific situation I was in.
Both Mr. D and Jo were right: no one should be alone. God certainly doesn’t want anyone to feel alone, for He cares for each one of us and He is all around us, wanting our attention yet being gentle about it. I saw what Mr. D and Jo did as an outflow of their time with God.
____________________________
I think one can tell if someone’s been spending time with Christ. Again, A true spirit sensitive to God should become evident to those around them.
I try to think if people can tell that I’ve been spending time with God. I’d like to think that it’s starting to come out, yet I can’t answer that with any level of credibility.
Instead, I will give an example of how I learned from Mr. D and Jo’s example aided with the urging of the Holy Spirit.
A young friend of mine T seems prone to mood swings. I’ve seen him be down and have others shy away from him when he’s down; I understand it. I don’t know what to do in such situations any more than those others do. Still, I wanted to do something to show my care, so that my friend would know that someone [Christ] cared.
I asked T if he was okay. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He shook his head. I saw his skateboard on the side. I have a slight fear of having wheels on my feet but I saw a possible opportunity to draw T out; I can only think the idea was from God. I brought T’s board over and asked him if he’d teach me how to ride.
He perked up right away. Oh no, I had to actually get on the board! I got on and T stood by to help me gain a balance. He still didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him but he was smiling his great smile again.
Later that same day, we were walking from one area of the church to the next, following behind the rest of the group. He told me what was bothering him. He’s opened up to me about things ever since. I hardly have to say anything but “What’s up?” Recently I’ve started bringing God into our conversations, gently and as prompted by the HS.
____________________________
A Tree and Its Fruit
15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'
[Emphasis added]
____________________________
So I’d like to think that in a few years time, it will be more evident to others that I’ve been spending time with God. I know how much I love God but it’s of little use to God if others don’t know it. If I don’t allow God to make a difference in my life, why should others want to give God a chance to make a difference in theirs? Yes, God could get their attention on His own; I can’t account for why He often chooses people to minister to each other and it’s an amazing opportunity that I have recently started to enjoy.
There are hungry people in the world, Christians and non-Christians, I believe. They’re looking for the fruit, even if they don’t know that’s what they’re asking for.
Who are the people you would say are good Christians? What about them makes you believe that they are so?
What are the fruits of those around you? Are they displaying good fruit or bad fruit? What are they and why are they good or bad?
Are you recognized for good fruit or for bad fruit? What kind of fruit would you like to be recognized by?
In what ways could you display more of the Spirit in your life?
God empowers us to display good fruit. Ask Him to guide you.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Near Hopeless
So I confessed a hurt recently. It had to do with receiving an invitation yet when I asked for a ride, the inviter found none for me. The second part is that soon after, the inviter made a gesture of offering an unconditional ride to someone less connected and lives just as far. I admit some of this offense I felt acutely because of certain previous grievances I’ve had with the inviter’s friends.
It’s not really the inviter I felt hurt by but the friends more so.
There was a question posed; was the second invite about a ministry thing? When I heard that question, I knew there was something off about it.
Now given some breathing room, here’s what I find off about it. What does it matter if the second part was to a ministry event or not? Definitely, we Christians should make every effort to get people to a ministry event so that they can meet God. That’s not the part that would upset me.
Taking both parts together, why would it be more important to get people to a ministry event than to give a friend a ride to hang out with the group? Ought people to care more for acquaintances than for friends?
Take the second part out: what conclusion could someone make other than that it wasn’t important to the inviter and the rest of the group to make an effort to pick a “friend” up for the friend outing? In light of this, should I be faulted for believing that they are not my friends?
Can someone help me understand this?
Now, it was wimpy for me not to say anything to the inviter and offenders about it. It’s a very tough position, feeling outnumbered one-to-a-group. There are more of them than there is of me. Yet that could have been an opportunity for me to trust God rather than distrust people. I'm a work-in-progress.
The two others in that particular group who I trust would have given me an unconditional ride if they knew, didn’t go that night.
So I don’t know what to do. I don’t usually think of myself as a sensitive person. I’m usually not so aware of my feelings. I’m not usually an openly emotional person. I’m very uncomfortable.
I still have no sense that they care that I was hurt by this.
Others who were not a part of the offenses [there are other examples of how I was hurt by these particular people] have and continue to be the ones that say they care. They not only say it, they’ve acted on it. The attitude I perceive from the offenders is that either I conform to how they are or tough luck. I'm not a fan of that.
They don’t have to care about me. They don’t have to care that their friends care about me.
So I think… at this moment… I’m still going to stay back from the group socially. It sucks that people will feel in-the-middle. I’m choosing to find a better place for me. Ministry-wise, I’ll do what God tells me. Social-wise, I can take a heart-crushing and pride-bashing now and then but I don’t hear God saying that I have to continue in this harmful situation with people who don’t care.
I can take myself out of this. I still feel a deep concern for the other outsiders. I think I’ve also felt this situation so personally because I’ve seen the group do the same thing to other outsiders. I can’t think of another group I’ve known who were so closed off. I feel a deep concern for the offenders, more so I guess because they profess Christ yet don’t seem willing to portray Christ.
So I will do this much: I will continue to pray for all and in that lies the remnant of my hope, my hope for them and my hope for myself, and I know that I need A LOT of hope. [Ezra 10: 1-4… a portion of this passage reads “But in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel”].
It’s tough. I feel poorly about those in the past I’ve been insensitive to or mistreated, intentionally or unintentionally. I guess I can get some comfort in the people who’ve sought me out to reconnect and hang out, people who’ve surprised me, people who I wasn’t very close to but then, who am I ever close to. I guess that’s one way of seeing that I did something right- all credit to my friend Holy Spirit and to my parents who raised me to look out for what’s right and to do it.
I can’t be all bad, right?
It’s not really the inviter I felt hurt by but the friends more so.
There was a question posed; was the second invite about a ministry thing? When I heard that question, I knew there was something off about it.
Now given some breathing room, here’s what I find off about it. What does it matter if the second part was to a ministry event or not? Definitely, we Christians should make every effort to get people to a ministry event so that they can meet God. That’s not the part that would upset me.
Taking both parts together, why would it be more important to get people to a ministry event than to give a friend a ride to hang out with the group? Ought people to care more for acquaintances than for friends?
Take the second part out: what conclusion could someone make other than that it wasn’t important to the inviter and the rest of the group to make an effort to pick a “friend” up for the friend outing? In light of this, should I be faulted for believing that they are not my friends?
Can someone help me understand this?
Now, it was wimpy for me not to say anything to the inviter and offenders about it. It’s a very tough position, feeling outnumbered one-to-a-group. There are more of them than there is of me. Yet that could have been an opportunity for me to trust God rather than distrust people. I'm a work-in-progress.
The two others in that particular group who I trust would have given me an unconditional ride if they knew, didn’t go that night.
So I don’t know what to do. I don’t usually think of myself as a sensitive person. I’m usually not so aware of my feelings. I’m not usually an openly emotional person. I’m very uncomfortable.
I still have no sense that they care that I was hurt by this.
Others who were not a part of the offenses [there are other examples of how I was hurt by these particular people] have and continue to be the ones that say they care. They not only say it, they’ve acted on it. The attitude I perceive from the offenders is that either I conform to how they are or tough luck. I'm not a fan of that.
They don’t have to care about me. They don’t have to care that their friends care about me.
So I think… at this moment… I’m still going to stay back from the group socially. It sucks that people will feel in-the-middle. I’m choosing to find a better place for me. Ministry-wise, I’ll do what God tells me. Social-wise, I can take a heart-crushing and pride-bashing now and then but I don’t hear God saying that I have to continue in this harmful situation with people who don’t care.
I can take myself out of this. I still feel a deep concern for the other outsiders. I think I’ve also felt this situation so personally because I’ve seen the group do the same thing to other outsiders. I can’t think of another group I’ve known who were so closed off. I feel a deep concern for the offenders, more so I guess because they profess Christ yet don’t seem willing to portray Christ.
So I will do this much: I will continue to pray for all and in that lies the remnant of my hope, my hope for them and my hope for myself, and I know that I need A LOT of hope. [Ezra 10: 1-4… a portion of this passage reads “But in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel”].
It’s tough. I feel poorly about those in the past I’ve been insensitive to or mistreated, intentionally or unintentionally. I guess I can get some comfort in the people who’ve sought me out to reconnect and hang out, people who’ve surprised me, people who I wasn’t very close to but then, who am I ever close to. I guess that’s one way of seeing that I did something right- all credit to my friend Holy Spirit and to my parents who raised me to look out for what’s right and to do it.
I can’t be all bad, right?
Friday, May 28, 2010
Not So Up Front
I don’t like sitting in the back of the bus. Usually I will prefer to stand if I can’t get a seat in the first few rows after the designated seats.
Today I sat in the back. I figured, there was a lady going there just ahead of me so maybe I’d feel okay about it. From the next stop, another lady got on and sat next to me. So far, so’kay.
Until further into Kalihi, the lady next to me got off. This… interesting-looking guy, I’d say maybe 50-ish if he wasn’t on something, sat next to me. He smelled like smoke and I didn’t want to inhale enough to find out if it wasn’t more than cigarettes. He started asking me questions and he was nice enough about it at least.
So I gave him my name, [Jay]. He asked if I just got out of school, and college? [Nod]. What am I studying? [Architecture]. Freshman, sophomore year? [My last year]. Chinese, Filipino? [Chinese]. Full? [Sure]. Get phone #? [Shake head, no]. See a movie sometime? [Shake head, no]. Alright, you take care, I get off next stop. You take care, okay? [You too].
We shook hands.
Okay, so some lies.
As a female, traveling alone, is it okay to protect myself with lies? I struggle with this quite a bit when this stuff happens.
Hey, at least this guy didn’t try to caress me; except that he was sitting next to me, he didn’t try any extra touching. Yes, I’ve had that happen, hence, trying to sit in front and next to another female.
____________________________
Remember Generic that’s from my first-life college and kept trying to don the dirty conversation? A Friend has advised that I shouldn’t have to unfriend him on FB provided he doesn’t try to contact me in that way again and that I have a right to protect myself also, so I don’t have to [actually, said I shouldn’t] answer back his last message. What do you think?
OH how I want to believe the best in people! ‘Cuz then… I could believe the best in me also.
And, it sounds weird, but don't tell my parents about these strangers unless after something actually happens 'cuz they'll freak out either way so why not prolong it as much as I can? ...
Mahalo for reading.
Today I sat in the back. I figured, there was a lady going there just ahead of me so maybe I’d feel okay about it. From the next stop, another lady got on and sat next to me. So far, so’kay.
Until further into Kalihi, the lady next to me got off. This… interesting-looking guy, I’d say maybe 50-ish if he wasn’t on something, sat next to me. He smelled like smoke and I didn’t want to inhale enough to find out if it wasn’t more than cigarettes. He started asking me questions and he was nice enough about it at least.
So I gave him my name, [Jay]. He asked if I just got out of school, and college? [Nod]. What am I studying? [Architecture]. Freshman, sophomore year? [My last year]. Chinese, Filipino? [Chinese]. Full? [Sure]. Get phone #? [Shake head, no]. See a movie sometime? [Shake head, no]. Alright, you take care, I get off next stop. You take care, okay? [You too].
We shook hands.
Okay, so some lies.
As a female, traveling alone, is it okay to protect myself with lies? I struggle with this quite a bit when this stuff happens.
Hey, at least this guy didn’t try to caress me; except that he was sitting next to me, he didn’t try any extra touching. Yes, I’ve had that happen, hence, trying to sit in front and next to another female.
____________________________
Remember Generic that’s from my first-life college and kept trying to don the dirty conversation? A Friend has advised that I shouldn’t have to unfriend him on FB provided he doesn’t try to contact me in that way again and that I have a right to protect myself also, so I don’t have to [actually, said I shouldn’t] answer back his last message. What do you think?
OH how I want to believe the best in people! ‘Cuz then… I could believe the best in me also.
And, it sounds weird, but don't tell my parents about these strangers unless after something actually happens 'cuz they'll freak out either way so why not prolong it as much as I can? ...
Mahalo for reading.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Stuff Under The Nose
I was talking with a friend recently and here’s a thing I shared with her that is an example of the strangeness in my mind.
Have you watched “Silence of the Lambs?” It’s the first Hannibal Lecter story turned into film in which Anthony Hopkins as Lecter says that delicious line “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
Well, there is another scene in which a few agents go to the morgue to view a dead body. The body must have been in the stage of decomp that includes the nasty smell of rot. The living humans smear something under their noses that allows them to breathe without getting ill from the smell.
So I told Friend that I would go to a morgue to view a dead body just to see if that nose thing works.
And as Pudding would say after relaying a story of little point and humor, “The End.”
Have you watched “Silence of the Lambs?” It’s the first Hannibal Lecter story turned into film in which Anthony Hopkins as Lecter says that delicious line “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
Well, there is another scene in which a few agents go to the morgue to view a dead body. The body must have been in the stage of decomp that includes the nasty smell of rot. The living humans smear something under their noses that allows them to breathe without getting ill from the smell.
So I told Friend that I would go to a morgue to view a dead body just to see if that nose thing works.
And as Pudding would say after relaying a story of little point and humor, “The End.”
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Untitled [05.23.10]
Dear God,
I hate this. I knew nothing was going to be easy and I have been open to being uncomfortable. This, I hate.
It’s difficult to watch others get what they want while living life the way that they want to. It’s even more difficult to watch them get what I have wanted while doing what they want to do and what I would want to do if I had not come to love you. I’ve worked so hard for this and that which are at this moment for me, lost.
But that’s why you’ve said to keep my eyes on you. I know you love me. I am in awe of you and fearful of just how strong and deep and pure your love is for me and to think that your love is the same for each one of us. I know you long to bless me with what is good for me and so my journey is not the same as that of others.
You have ordered a path for me. You will sustain me through this because I have put my trust in you, I have vowed to follow you and do things your way, not perfectly but faithfully. Imperfectly, I will stumble yet you are the one who forgives me, picks me up, carries me, heals me, restores me to my feet to walk beside you again, faithfully.
Keep my eyes on you, so that you might empower me to do your will, to show the love in our relationship, your love for me and my love for you, to the world that they might come into fuller relationship with you. Keep showing me the way, teach me, guide me, walk with me, that others might become curious and learn more about you and to follow you and to love you to the fullest.
It is because I keep my eyes on you and daily choose to follow you that I am able to join in your work of reaching others.
I hate this, yet I will trust in you and love you. I have desires on my heart, Lord, and the only way to fulfil them is to allow you to fulfil your desires in me. I am impatient, Lord, and I will learn patience just as I have learned to trust you and to do things your way.
Not my will but yours be done.
Please.
I hate this. I knew nothing was going to be easy and I have been open to being uncomfortable. This, I hate.
It’s difficult to watch others get what they want while living life the way that they want to. It’s even more difficult to watch them get what I have wanted while doing what they want to do and what I would want to do if I had not come to love you. I’ve worked so hard for this and that which are at this moment for me, lost.
But that’s why you’ve said to keep my eyes on you. I know you love me. I am in awe of you and fearful of just how strong and deep and pure your love is for me and to think that your love is the same for each one of us. I know you long to bless me with what is good for me and so my journey is not the same as that of others.
You have ordered a path for me. You will sustain me through this because I have put my trust in you, I have vowed to follow you and do things your way, not perfectly but faithfully. Imperfectly, I will stumble yet you are the one who forgives me, picks me up, carries me, heals me, restores me to my feet to walk beside you again, faithfully.
Keep my eyes on you, so that you might empower me to do your will, to show the love in our relationship, your love for me and my love for you, to the world that they might come into fuller relationship with you. Keep showing me the way, teach me, guide me, walk with me, that others might become curious and learn more about you and to follow you and to love you to the fullest.
It is because I keep my eyes on you and daily choose to follow you that I am able to join in your work of reaching others.
I hate this, yet I will trust in you and love you. I have desires on my heart, Lord, and the only way to fulfil them is to allow you to fulfil your desires in me. I am impatient, Lord, and I will learn patience just as I have learned to trust you and to do things your way.
Not my will but yours be done.
Please.
Pride-ful Musings
I was watching Pride and Prejudice [with Keira Knightley] and had a thought. I think back to those times when a lady’s future depended on her marrying. She didn’t have much else to attend to, I mean that she didn’t have to work or improve her mind if she didn’t want to; all she had to do was marry well. And so Elizabeth Bennet was odd for her time to be proud and wanting something more than to marry well.
And how harsh are the times now on someone who would’ve been comfortable in Miss Bennet’s time?
This isn’t to say that I’d rather be unintelligent and lazy, or to be whiling my time away with chasing thoughts of marriage, but I sometimes wonder if I would have fared better in another period of time. I struggle with it sometimes as I love when I am and believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. Only I don’t know how well I should do in having to work a job I do not love.
I suppose it’s something I should struggle with, being someone so in love with ideals that it’s difficult to ground myself with reality. It’s odd, I wasn’t like this before, I truly wasn’t. I used to be very grounded in reality that I found it difficult to find any joy in it. I can’t seem to come to a balance these days.
I figure, one should have something in life to love, I mean God gives us the capacity to love and we should implement love. I would so much love to be a wife but only to one I would love. In not having much prospects of such at this time, I suppose I could settle for an occupation that I love, but I am so fascinated by so many things that I don’t know that I could concentrate on one profession. I want to try them all!
I’m not adverse to hard work. I would enjoy hard work very much if I could find a way to love what I was doing. I loved volunteering with Habitat for Humanity even with all the sore muscles and bruises. I loved doing the ministry work I was doing the last several months, even with all the frustrations and... -aches. I loved working in the WU Library with all the books, no matter how mundane some of the tasks were. I loved working for the customers of Forever21 despite all the drama of working with younger girls.
And I wonder if I would have felt freer to pursue whatever I would like in Miss Bennet’s time or a little bit after it.
But I also think I might have been bored for lack of interesting female company.
Anyways, when I’m watching P&P, I much very feel like I’m more Darcy than Elizabeth! I mean in the being-socially-awkward-and-come-off-stuck-up way.
So then, I guess there’s no real point to this entry but then, how often is there a point to what I write?
Mahalo for reading.
And how harsh are the times now on someone who would’ve been comfortable in Miss Bennet’s time?
This isn’t to say that I’d rather be unintelligent and lazy, or to be whiling my time away with chasing thoughts of marriage, but I sometimes wonder if I would have fared better in another period of time. I struggle with it sometimes as I love when I am and believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. Only I don’t know how well I should do in having to work a job I do not love.
I suppose it’s something I should struggle with, being someone so in love with ideals that it’s difficult to ground myself with reality. It’s odd, I wasn’t like this before, I truly wasn’t. I used to be very grounded in reality that I found it difficult to find any joy in it. I can’t seem to come to a balance these days.
I figure, one should have something in life to love, I mean God gives us the capacity to love and we should implement love. I would so much love to be a wife but only to one I would love. In not having much prospects of such at this time, I suppose I could settle for an occupation that I love, but I am so fascinated by so many things that I don’t know that I could concentrate on one profession. I want to try them all!
I’m not adverse to hard work. I would enjoy hard work very much if I could find a way to love what I was doing. I loved volunteering with Habitat for Humanity even with all the sore muscles and bruises. I loved doing the ministry work I was doing the last several months, even with all the frustrations and... -aches. I loved working in the WU Library with all the books, no matter how mundane some of the tasks were. I loved working for the customers of Forever21 despite all the drama of working with younger girls.
And I wonder if I would have felt freer to pursue whatever I would like in Miss Bennet’s time or a little bit after it.
But I also think I might have been bored for lack of interesting female company.
Anyways, when I’m watching P&P, I much very feel like I’m more Darcy than Elizabeth! I mean in the being-socially-awkward-and-come-off-stuck-up way.
So then, I guess there’s no real point to this entry but then, how often is there a point to what I write?
Mahalo for reading.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
This ISN’T New York!
In the opening of CSI: NY last night, Mac is chasing a suspect in the atrium of a building displaying a large amount of beautiful ironwork. Near the bottom, he fights the suspect and gets thrown over the railing to the lobby floor. The lobby walls and floor are covered in tile. Mac lands on one of the floor rectangles inlaid with what looks like blackened cement and blue glass tile.
I immediately thought, I should know this building! So I looked up architecture/ ironwork/ interior and was able to find it and correctly identify it by the photos on this site. Go ahead and visit the link to read more about the building.
Some of you may not have time to do that so I will say that it is the Bradbury building, not in New York, but in Los Angeles, California! Sadly, in the years I’ve been in CA and travelling in the vicinity of the Bradbury, I have never visited it. I shall see it in person one of these days!
There you go, I sort of remembered something from my Arch. History classes! : )
Mahalo for reading!
I immediately thought, I should know this building! So I looked up architecture/ ironwork/ interior and was able to find it and correctly identify it by the photos on this site. Go ahead and visit the link to read more about the building.
Some of you may not have time to do that so I will say that it is the Bradbury building, not in New York, but in Los Angeles, California! Sadly, in the years I’ve been in CA and travelling in the vicinity of the Bradbury, I have never visited it. I shall see it in person one of these days!
There you go, I sort of remembered something from my Arch. History classes! : )
Mahalo for reading!
Who Wants To Talk Story?!!
Beware: run on sentences or whatever they’re called.So someone requested a looooong time ago that I get a webcam, like years ago, and I didn’t see a need for it and was saving up for my ps camara and so I [not really] joked that Person should buy me one if Person wants me to have one so much but Person never did, said [jokingly, I hope] that I was a gold-digger and now that person’s not even talking to me anymore and I am soooooo SAD.
And Apple had also requested a webcam ever since she moved.
And then Bro got me a GC but I still kinda waited because I thought I might come across something I would need but so far haven’t. I started to look at webcams and whatnot, trying to figure out what to get and stuff. I take a long time because I’m never really sure that it’s a good purchase and what but by the time I get around to buying something it’s usually on sale which helps the process get a move on.
So it was on sale and I finally got a webcam!
And just so happens that the same day I get it, Criminal Minds is about a killer that uses cams. This is freaking out an already paranoid mind, but I had already decided that the cam is not to be connected when not in use. This is also because I attached a USB extension for the purpose of having easy access to the port and I’m not gonna set up another one just to webcam. Maybe i’m making too much of it. The cam also has a privacy shade over the lens so that should help ease my delicate security sensitivities.
Now I'm gonna hafta figure out how all this works...
Mahalo for reading! Who wants a chat with my face?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Lessons in Christ-Living
This is gonna be a rather rambling thoughts entry.
I think one of [if not the] greatest things about life is to have the honor of being Christ to others. It’s a tough, heavy calling, but I mean, what is better?
It’s tough being a Christian in the area of reputation and imperfections. Christ IS perfect; I am not. I’m going to make mistakes and those mistakes will hurt my witness to others [Christians and non-Christians alike, I’m usually thinking of both], but it’s still important that I allow Christ to redeem me and that I carry on anyway, constantly striving to do better.
I think, it isn’t about being perfect and only doing good, nor is it that I do good at all or for the sake of goodness, but that the good I do is grounded in God’s love for people. I, know that God loves me; others need to know that He loves them.
If I do good but my relationship with God isn’t good or non-existent, I just don’t understand that. I mean, I did that but I don’t understand it. I used to do good and wasn’t taking care of my relationship with God. Now that for the past two years I’ve been taking care of my relationship with God first, I’m doing good and there’s a difference, a GOOD difference. I don’t know exactly how to explain the difference yet; I wish it worked that I could just tell people to try it and they would so that they’d find out for themselves that it’s true, but it doesn’t work that way apparently.
I think that most of the time, one can tell a Christian from a Christian whom is taking care of their relationship with God, whom is grounded in Him.
Anyways, I have all these thoughts in my head about things I’ve learned and things I’m seeing in the world and what the Christian life is. I’m writing these things out and trying to get these “lessons” to where they’ll be received in the most effective way. I have to remind myself that it’s not important if the audience receives it and runs with it or not but the importance is that I tell others about the lesson at all. And then it’s the work of the Holy Spirit that whomever that lesson was meant for will receive it and take it to heart. And that I pray over others.
And it would be nice if others had grace that I’m still growing and learning in Christ also and that I understand this. I’m not like Billy Graham who’s been a growing Christian for years and years and did something with his relationship with Christ. I’m in my early years of this, yet it’s still important that I start. And I wanna see others start too, though I have to rein in my zeal for this a little.
I’ve got ideas about modesty in clothing and speech, ideas for forming a regular activity that will exhibit “preaching and healing,” our attitudes about sin, what it means to have our “cup overflow,” etc. I need help with this so I’m thinking about who could help me. I’m trying to tie in God’s view with our attitudes; I don’t know if that’s the way to explain what I’m thinking but it should do for now. It’s sort of looking at this world through the lens of the Christian faith. It’s not an exacting science or an exacting faith, but it makes a difference.
It’s something like, here’s an example with the idea of miracles. Some would say they don’t believe in miracles or that miracles can’t happen anymore and they’re probably coming from the viewpoint that they don’t see miracles happening today. It seems like God hasn’t performed a grand miracle in centuries. However, the point is not that I don’t see miracles happening. The point is that I believe in Almighty God whom has performed miracles in the past and that He has the ability to do miracles today. That He hasn’t done a miracle [as we perceive a “miracle” to be] in a long time is His divine control. It’s for me to believe He will do a miracle if it’s in His plan to do so and to believe in miracles even if He doesn’t do so, even if I don’t see Him doing so.
I don’t know if that makes sense to other people. I don’t understand a Christian not believing in miracles because part of the Christian faith is to believe that Christ rose from the dead and isn’t that a miracle? And then no one’s risen from the dead lately and so miracles aren’t possible or that I shouldn’t believe in miracles? Do I believe in an almighty, sovereign God or not?
Friend had a question about the motives behind others’ giving money towards a project. I was thinking, well, so what if their motives were wrong? We don’t know for sure that their motives were wrong but so what? What should our response be? Should we not accept their help? Should we interrogate them to make sure they have the right motive? Should we tell them sorry, we’re not going to accept your money until you have the right motive? More than likely, it was God’s right motive that we have help with the project and worked his motive through others, no matter what the motives those other people have. We shouldn’t accept things like blood money, of course, but that wasn’t the case here.
We look too much to other people, what they’re doing, why they might be doing it, and not enough to our own hearts.
Anyways, I was thinking about the hikes I went on with a ministry and how the hikes could’ve made a better impact. We should have prayed before and after each hike, and the other activities we did. I’m big on prayer yet still have a thing about feeling like a dork ‘cause I trip over words whenever I pray out loud and I’m also trying to encourage others to pray more and you know, I just don’t know why we didn’t pray. Well, if I do it again…
Oh, and then I listen to podcasts and now I’m reading other blogs about the Christian faith and I’ve come across some pretty good ones lately. I like listening to Focus on the Family mostly because they have guests speakers and such so I get a range of other people’s stories and experiences and expertise. And one doesn’t have to agree with every single thing said but there’s some real gems in there and in the least would get one thinking and moving. There are some ideas that I've had to wrestle with. I also listen to Alistair Begg on Truth for Life, but I have to figure out why it’s not automatically updating that podcast; I just think from what I hear from him, he’s got the idea, you know?
Well, I wonder if I could put together some kind of class series of FotF podcasts or something and then a discussion period but it’s hard to have a class just listening to something, isn’t it? I don’t know. I think it could be worth it.
I’ve heard the salt and light passage taught and there’s a good one by Dr. Tony Evans. Rev. Herb Lusk talks about going the distance in “One More Round.” They have a speech by Zig Ziglar about “Staying Christian in a Pagan Culture.” And there’s practical and biblical advice about Christians and dating.
I don’t know. As always, thinking. What do you think?
I think one of [if not the] greatest things about life is to have the honor of being Christ to others. It’s a tough, heavy calling, but I mean, what is better?
It’s tough being a Christian in the area of reputation and imperfections. Christ IS perfect; I am not. I’m going to make mistakes and those mistakes will hurt my witness to others [Christians and non-Christians alike, I’m usually thinking of both], but it’s still important that I allow Christ to redeem me and that I carry on anyway, constantly striving to do better.
I think, it isn’t about being perfect and only doing good, nor is it that I do good at all or for the sake of goodness, but that the good I do is grounded in God’s love for people. I, know that God loves me; others need to know that He loves them.
If I do good but my relationship with God isn’t good or non-existent, I just don’t understand that. I mean, I did that but I don’t understand it. I used to do good and wasn’t taking care of my relationship with God. Now that for the past two years I’ve been taking care of my relationship with God first, I’m doing good and there’s a difference, a GOOD difference. I don’t know exactly how to explain the difference yet; I wish it worked that I could just tell people to try it and they would so that they’d find out for themselves that it’s true, but it doesn’t work that way apparently.
I think that most of the time, one can tell a Christian from a Christian whom is taking care of their relationship with God, whom is grounded in Him.
Anyways, I have all these thoughts in my head about things I’ve learned and things I’m seeing in the world and what the Christian life is. I’m writing these things out and trying to get these “lessons” to where they’ll be received in the most effective way. I have to remind myself that it’s not important if the audience receives it and runs with it or not but the importance is that I tell others about the lesson at all. And then it’s the work of the Holy Spirit that whomever that lesson was meant for will receive it and take it to heart. And that I pray over others.
And it would be nice if others had grace that I’m still growing and learning in Christ also and that I understand this. I’m not like Billy Graham who’s been a growing Christian for years and years and did something with his relationship with Christ. I’m in my early years of this, yet it’s still important that I start. And I wanna see others start too, though I have to rein in my zeal for this a little.
I’ve got ideas about modesty in clothing and speech, ideas for forming a regular activity that will exhibit “preaching and healing,” our attitudes about sin, what it means to have our “cup overflow,” etc. I need help with this so I’m thinking about who could help me. I’m trying to tie in God’s view with our attitudes; I don’t know if that’s the way to explain what I’m thinking but it should do for now. It’s sort of looking at this world through the lens of the Christian faith. It’s not an exacting science or an exacting faith, but it makes a difference.
It’s something like, here’s an example with the idea of miracles. Some would say they don’t believe in miracles or that miracles can’t happen anymore and they’re probably coming from the viewpoint that they don’t see miracles happening today. It seems like God hasn’t performed a grand miracle in centuries. However, the point is not that I don’t see miracles happening. The point is that I believe in Almighty God whom has performed miracles in the past and that He has the ability to do miracles today. That He hasn’t done a miracle [as we perceive a “miracle” to be] in a long time is His divine control. It’s for me to believe He will do a miracle if it’s in His plan to do so and to believe in miracles even if He doesn’t do so, even if I don’t see Him doing so.
I don’t know if that makes sense to other people. I don’t understand a Christian not believing in miracles because part of the Christian faith is to believe that Christ rose from the dead and isn’t that a miracle? And then no one’s risen from the dead lately and so miracles aren’t possible or that I shouldn’t believe in miracles? Do I believe in an almighty, sovereign God or not?
Friend had a question about the motives behind others’ giving money towards a project. I was thinking, well, so what if their motives were wrong? We don’t know for sure that their motives were wrong but so what? What should our response be? Should we not accept their help? Should we interrogate them to make sure they have the right motive? Should we tell them sorry, we’re not going to accept your money until you have the right motive? More than likely, it was God’s right motive that we have help with the project and worked his motive through others, no matter what the motives those other people have. We shouldn’t accept things like blood money, of course, but that wasn’t the case here.
We look too much to other people, what they’re doing, why they might be doing it, and not enough to our own hearts.
Anyways, I was thinking about the hikes I went on with a ministry and how the hikes could’ve made a better impact. We should have prayed before and after each hike, and the other activities we did. I’m big on prayer yet still have a thing about feeling like a dork ‘cause I trip over words whenever I pray out loud and I’m also trying to encourage others to pray more and you know, I just don’t know why we didn’t pray. Well, if I do it again…
Oh, and then I listen to podcasts and now I’m reading other blogs about the Christian faith and I’ve come across some pretty good ones lately. I like listening to Focus on the Family mostly because they have guests speakers and such so I get a range of other people’s stories and experiences and expertise. And one doesn’t have to agree with every single thing said but there’s some real gems in there and in the least would get one thinking and moving. There are some ideas that I've had to wrestle with. I also listen to Alistair Begg on Truth for Life, but I have to figure out why it’s not automatically updating that podcast; I just think from what I hear from him, he’s got the idea, you know?
Well, I wonder if I could put together some kind of class series of FotF podcasts or something and then a discussion period but it’s hard to have a class just listening to something, isn’t it? I don’t know. I think it could be worth it.
I’ve heard the salt and light passage taught and there’s a good one by Dr. Tony Evans. Rev. Herb Lusk talks about going the distance in “One More Round.” They have a speech by Zig Ziglar about “Staying Christian in a Pagan Culture.” And there’s practical and biblical advice about Christians and dating.
I don’t know. As always, thinking. What do you think?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Watch a Little Dance… Get Down Tonight
“Dancing With the Stars” on Monday nights! Tonight is Week Eight of the competition with 5 stars left: Niecy Nash, Nicole Scherzinger, Erin Andrews, Evan Lysacek, and Chad Ochocinco.I’ve watched most of seasons 2-4. My favorite star so far [that I’ve seen] is Emmitt Smith of Season 3. The former Dallas Cowboy RB won that season with quick feet, a brilliant smile and a truly star personality. My favorite of the female professional dancers is Cheryl Burke; male pro-dancer is probably Derek Hough. I am almost sure to like the dances that they choreograph. Cheryl Burke is the one that helped Emmitt Smith win the mirrorball trophy.
Anyways, back to the current season. The only reason I’m saying anything about this season at all is for Evan Lysacek. Lysacek is the reigning Winter Olympic men’s figure skating gold medalist. I first noticed him while watching the 2006 WO champion’s gala, an exhibition put on after the skating competitions are done. He skated to Michael Buble’s rendition of “Sway.” I liked the performance and I liked the music.
So it was a thrill to be able to watch Lysacek win the gold in 2010. Thank you to Chemist and her DVR!
And now he’s on DWTS, and doing GREAT!
Okay, THIS Is the reason I’m writing: last week, Lysacek’s individual [partnered] dance performance was amazing! Not that I’m any expert judge on dancing but for me, it was a whole performance. The steps moved well with the music. From their heads to their fingertips to their toes, everything moved in sync and with attitude. He was in character the entire time. Everything was sharp yet smooth.
I don’t say this about many things and actually mean it but his Argentine Tango last week was sexy! He looked to be genuinely leading the dance and moving his partner [Anna] around. Oh I want to learn to dance!
It got a perfect 30 [3 tens] score from the judges! I wish I had recorded it.
So, if you have just a few spare minutes, check out Lysacek’s week 7 argentine tango on abc.com; there might be an upload of it to YouTube, I don’t know.
[Though I sometimes miss it and have to watch it on my computer which is not as clear a picture as Dad’s TV. I like that Dad watches what I watch and as always, that could be its own entry].
I can’t wait to watch what he does in Week 8, which airs tonight; catch it on ABC!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Were He Not Romeo Called
When I was much younger, I had a difficult time understanding why my cousin had a different last name than mine. I don’t think anyone explained it clearly to me; I had to figure it out for myself later. They said it was my family name and wasn’t Audrey family? Was she adopted?!
Anyways, when I get married, I will take my husband’s name. The only thing I understand people keeping their last name is because of career matters, like my friend whom has several academic papers published before she got married. Other than that, I don’t understand what the big deal is with changing names.
I am not my name. My name helps to identify me, so I know that you’re referring to me and not to someone else, but I am not my name. It also helps to identify my family, but I am not my family.
I don’t mind other labels too much either, as long as it’s not disrespectful. I’ve been called ‘popular’ but popularity doesn’t define me. I’ve been called ‘intelligent’ but obviously I’m not that concerned about portraying intelligence! A friend used to call me ‘tita’ and…um…well…
Changing my last name in marriage will mean something to me though. It will mean that I have chosen to be united with my husband. It will mean that I’m putting something greater before my own desire for recognition. It will mean that I am participating in a tradition that my parents have done, that my grandparents have done, etc. It will mean that my children come from one home.
I’m not knocking those who didn’t change their name. I just don’t understand those who say that to do so would mean losing their identity. I’m also not going to say that changing a name means the same to others that it would to me.
I may become Jennifer Hufenschtandemir someday, but I will still be [me].
Anyways, when I get married, I will take my husband’s name. The only thing I understand people keeping their last name is because of career matters, like my friend whom has several academic papers published before she got married. Other than that, I don’t understand what the big deal is with changing names.
I am not my name. My name helps to identify me, so I know that you’re referring to me and not to someone else, but I am not my name. It also helps to identify my family, but I am not my family.
I don’t mind other labels too much either, as long as it’s not disrespectful. I’ve been called ‘popular’ but popularity doesn’t define me. I’ve been called ‘intelligent’ but obviously I’m not that concerned about portraying intelligence! A friend used to call me ‘tita’ and…um…well…
Changing my last name in marriage will mean something to me though. It will mean that I have chosen to be united with my husband. It will mean that I’m putting something greater before my own desire for recognition. It will mean that I am participating in a tradition that my parents have done, that my grandparents have done, etc. It will mean that my children come from one home.
I’m not knocking those who didn’t change their name. I just don’t understand those who say that to do so would mean losing their identity. I’m also not going to say that changing a name means the same to others that it would to me.
I may become Jennifer Hufenschtandemir someday, but I will still be [me].
Does It Smell As Sweet?
The longer I go without getting married and having kids, the more screwed up interesting my kids’ names will be when I finally do. That’s what I keep threatening anyway, which doesn’t make human sense because I’m threatening children I do not have yet for something that was not their fault. Does it matter? Is it not a parental right?
I have all this time, I should be able to come up with something that surpasses Moxie CrimeFighter Jillet! [Kree Goa’uld-Shol’va _____? No.]
I am not naming my kid "Apple." So if you're a guy and your dream is to have a daughter [or son] named "Apple," I am out of the question for you.
Anyways, I’m also thinking about it intial-wise ‘cause I’m coming across a lot of regular girl names that start with [V] that I would love to name my daughter, so I shouldn’t marry a guy with a last name starting with [D]. A Friends episode of Joey as the model on a poster for VD flashes in my mind.
I like most names in their natural state, unabbreviated. I like “Benjamin,” but I don’t like “Ben” or “Benny” or “Benji” – I like “Benjamin.”
During the Vancouver Olympics, I put up a status saying, “[Jennifer] thinks she might name her kid ‘Yevgeny’ if he wins gold again.”
I don’t know if I wanna give away the interesting names though, someone might be tempted to steal them. Besides, I wonder how my future married last name will affect the kid names I’m considering. It’s slowing down my creative process. Yes, I am thinking too much. So what?
I have all this time, I should be able to come up with something that surpasses Moxie CrimeFighter Jillet! [Kree Goa’uld-Shol’va _____? No.]
I am not naming my kid "Apple." So if you're a guy and your dream is to have a daughter [or son] named "Apple," I am out of the question for you.
Anyways, I’m also thinking about it intial-wise ‘cause I’m coming across a lot of regular girl names that start with [V] that I would love to name my daughter, so I shouldn’t marry a guy with a last name starting with [D]. A Friends episode of Joey as the model on a poster for VD flashes in my mind.
I like most names in their natural state, unabbreviated. I like “Benjamin,” but I don’t like “Ben” or “Benny” or “Benji” – I like “Benjamin.”
During the Vancouver Olympics, I put up a status saying, “[Jennifer] thinks she might name her kid ‘Yevgeny’ if he wins gold again.”
I don’t know if I wanna give away the interesting names though, someone might be tempted to steal them. Besides, I wonder how my future married last name will affect the kid names I’m considering. It’s slowing down my creative process. Yes, I am thinking too much. So what?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
A Rose Is a Rose Is a Rose
And I am a Jennifer.Or am I?
When I was in elementary school [2nd life], I would wait with my friend for her grandma to pick her up afterschool. The grandma was a nice lady, always greeted me with a kind, “Hello, Stephanie!”
“Grandma, this is Jennifer, remember?” Each time my friend said a variation of this! Hahaha!
One time, grandma replied with, “Isn’t that what I said?”
What’s stranger is that I told my mom and she said that they had wanted to name me “Stephanie!” It didn’t happen because then my [first initial. last name] would have made me a possible target for ridicule.
It didn’t take me long to figure out other means of obtaining ridicule.
So Bro got the not-so-common name and I have a popular name. I think it’s weird because character-wise, Bro is the popular one and I’m the not-so-common one, lol. Bro has the Chinese middle name and mine is Japanese; looking back now Dad says that I should have had the Chinese middle name because Bro will automatically carry on a Chinese name already. I wonder what Popo would have named me?
The name Grandma gave me means “graceful, peaceful child.” Um, I’m so not, huh? I still love my name though. Apparently, my middle name is also rather common. In high school, I had two friends [in the same friend group, the same age] with the same middle name.
‘Jennifer’ means something like “white wave” or “fair/smooth one.” Hmmm… got the fair- meaning paleness- part correct!
I took 3 years of Spanish in high school. One class, we had FOUR Jennifers, but it was Spanish class so we had to choose Spanish names anyway. I couldn’t think of anything not already taken so [I think] La Profesora called me ‘Juana’ which is ‘Jean’ or ‘Jane’ in English.
[Image from here. I'm gonna change the image if I can find one of my rose photos. I try to use my own images so I know I have the rights to them! I still wanna look into digital watermarks.]
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Where Have Purity and Innocence Gone?
I admit that I do not have the cleanest of minds. I enjoy the art of double entendres and innuendos used smartly well. I am careful of it but confess that I have on occasion participated in such talk.
When we went to see the premier of “Twilight: New Moon,” many people were wearing the Burger King crown that featured the movie’s actors on it. XL made a comment that “Bella” looked almost like she was naked. Squeaker said that “Jacob” looked naked [because he is shirtless and the picture has him from the waist up]. XL said that everyone knows “Jacob” wears cutoffs. Not even having the image in my mind but in having a quick comeback, I said, “Not in my mind.” They laughed.
Honestly, I wasn’t picturing “Jacob” at all, but how is anyone else supposed to know that?
Well, I am changing.
I used to think that purity didn’t matter so much, at least with me and my peers. People have a difficult time letting that go or allowing for people to change. Dirty innuendo was easy to come by in studio that had a ratio of about 10 guys per female student and with some of the females… being of loose character. I thought I would be okay as long as it was just words, as long as I kept physically pure.
God constantly teaches and reminds me that words matter.
Someone [I’ll call him Generic*] on FB sent me a message that played on dirty thoughts. We had never gotten past being classmates and acquaintances; we were not friends. Given the atmosphere of studio, Generic probably thought I was okay with such talk. I unfriended him. It had been months, but he got around to friending me again so I added him. He’s the WU subject of this previous post.
I had added a quote from Anonymous that I thought was funny. In wanting to keep Anonymous, well, anonymous, I didn’t credit the quote to anyone. The quote itself is innocent but it mentions a bra. Also, my profile picture is of my TWLOHA writing in pen on my arm.
Generic sent me a message recently. He loves the “new tattoo” and wants to know what other ink I have and he asked a question about the bra. I answered that it’s not a tattoo but that I would like one but can’t make a decision about it, like what, where, etc. I said the picture was for TWLOHA and directed him to check out their site. I said that the bra thing wasn’t me. I asked how he was doing.
Generic replied with continued talk about me and a tattoo and that he still thinks the bra thing was me.
I am creeped out. I enjoy being a female and like being attractive, but I don’t really like guys making… those kinds of comments. I want to be around guys who protect my purity and innocence and expect the best of me.
I’ve tried putting conversation with Generic through the laundry cycle. I think Generic will continue trying to turn the conversation dirty and I don’t look forward to that.
Q1: Should I unfriend Generic again? Or do I continue trying to wash our conversations?
Chulo is an exception. We started out with a good friendship. He didn’t creep-talk me. One time, we were waiting for a class and Friend* said something about “morning wood.” They laughed; I didn’t. “You know what that is, right?” I had no idea. They carefully explained it to me and then never made such comments in front of me.
Chulo continued to protect me. After I came home to stay, we kept in contact through email, letters and phone calls. It was only then that he would tease me; remembering my innocence, he thinks it’s comical to imagine me as an exotic dancer. He doesn’t draw out that kind of talk and I know that if I said enough he would stop. He has always respected me.
Q2: Am I being hypocritical about being creeped out by Generic while letting Chulo joke with me? Is there no room for exceptions ever?
Q3: Should I delete the bra quote?
I miss the days when I was more naïve.
Anyways, God has reminded me to protect my purity and to protect the purity of others. God doesn’t delight in such impure talk, how can I? Please, also remind me of this.
*I’ve said that I use nicknames to protect and respect people’s privacy. Generic nicknames like [Generic] and [Friend] are for more privacy or for persons whom do not warrant a nickname because I probably won’t mention them again. [Generic] and [Friend] may apply to anyone; they are not limited to use for a single person.
When we went to see the premier of “Twilight: New Moon,” many people were wearing the Burger King crown that featured the movie’s actors on it. XL made a comment that “Bella” looked almost like she was naked. Squeaker said that “Jacob” looked naked [because he is shirtless and the picture has him from the waist up]. XL said that everyone knows “Jacob” wears cutoffs. Not even having the image in my mind but in having a quick comeback, I said, “Not in my mind.” They laughed.
Honestly, I wasn’t picturing “Jacob” at all, but how is anyone else supposed to know that?
Well, I am changing.
I used to think that purity didn’t matter so much, at least with me and my peers. People have a difficult time letting that go or allowing for people to change. Dirty innuendo was easy to come by in studio that had a ratio of about 10 guys per female student and with some of the females… being of loose character. I thought I would be okay as long as it was just words, as long as I kept physically pure.
God constantly teaches and reminds me that words matter.
Someone [I’ll call him Generic*] on FB sent me a message that played on dirty thoughts. We had never gotten past being classmates and acquaintances; we were not friends. Given the atmosphere of studio, Generic probably thought I was okay with such talk. I unfriended him. It had been months, but he got around to friending me again so I added him. He’s the WU subject of this previous post.
I had added a quote from Anonymous that I thought was funny. In wanting to keep Anonymous, well, anonymous, I didn’t credit the quote to anyone. The quote itself is innocent but it mentions a bra. Also, my profile picture is of my TWLOHA writing in pen on my arm.
Generic sent me a message recently. He loves the “new tattoo” and wants to know what other ink I have and he asked a question about the bra. I answered that it’s not a tattoo but that I would like one but can’t make a decision about it, like what, where, etc. I said the picture was for TWLOHA and directed him to check out their site. I said that the bra thing wasn’t me. I asked how he was doing.
Generic replied with continued talk about me and a tattoo and that he still thinks the bra thing was me.
I am creeped out. I enjoy being a female and like being attractive, but I don’t really like guys making… those kinds of comments. I want to be around guys who protect my purity and innocence and expect the best of me.
I’ve tried putting conversation with Generic through the laundry cycle. I think Generic will continue trying to turn the conversation dirty and I don’t look forward to that.
Q1: Should I unfriend Generic again? Or do I continue trying to wash our conversations?
Chulo is an exception. We started out with a good friendship. He didn’t creep-talk me. One time, we were waiting for a class and Friend* said something about “morning wood.” They laughed; I didn’t. “You know what that is, right?” I had no idea. They carefully explained it to me and then never made such comments in front of me.
Chulo continued to protect me. After I came home to stay, we kept in contact through email, letters and phone calls. It was only then that he would tease me; remembering my innocence, he thinks it’s comical to imagine me as an exotic dancer. He doesn’t draw out that kind of talk and I know that if I said enough he would stop. He has always respected me.
Q2: Am I being hypocritical about being creeped out by Generic while letting Chulo joke with me? Is there no room for exceptions ever?
Q3: Should I delete the bra quote?
I miss the days when I was more naïve.
Anyways, God has reminded me to protect my purity and to protect the purity of others. God doesn’t delight in such impure talk, how can I? Please, also remind me of this.
*I’ve said that I use nicknames to protect and respect people’s privacy. Generic nicknames like [Generic] and [Friend] are for more privacy or for persons whom do not warrant a nickname because I probably won’t mention them again. [Generic] and [Friend] may apply to anyone; they are not limited to use for a single person.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
Nothing shuts my mouth like another’s. When I feel that my speaking is being wasted and that the other person is not hearing me, I shut down. That’s how I feel about the past year. I feel like I’ve been shouting within me because I wasn’t being heard on the outside.
In differences of opinion, I try to remain calm and hear the other person out but once someone raises their voice, I shut down. When I feel like I need to raise my voice to be heard in turn, I know I’m not being heard. That’s the reason I started to raise my voice in the first place.
I remember a few years ago, I was talking to MadScientist and he cut me off at the mere mention of FB. “I am not joining FB.” I wasn’t trying to convince him to join; all I was trying to do was to tell him about a funny conversation I had through FB. I just wanted to tell him a story. I didn’t tell MadScientist anything after that. [Several months later, he's on FB]
On the other side, Los endeared himself to me long ago. I remember hanging out with Los at the bench while everyone else had a class to go to. We just talked as people do. Weeks later, hanging out again, he mentioned something I had said the previous time. I don’t remember what it was now, but I know it was something specific that showed that he had been listening to me before.
I remember how that felt to be heard and so I’ve been working on being a better listener ever since. It would help if I had a better memory for what I hear, but that’s not going to stop me from listening. And I want the other person to know that I’ve heard them. When I was trying to tell someone that I would be silent and let them speak first, even that upset the other person and so that was probably the last conversation I tried to have with that person. Why is it so difficult?
On a Focus on the Family broadcast [Truth: Can We Both Be Right?] Ryan Dobson talks briefly about the difference between a conversation and a debate. To paraphrase, oftentimes we enter a conversation with someone and it turns into a debate; conversation gets shut down. When you’re going into a debate, load for bear and shoot often. When you’re having a conversation with someone, ask questions, ask them “why?” “Why do you believe that?” “Why do you feel that way?”
I remember talking to Redlance over IM. We finally met together in person over a meal. I made a little joke in reference to something he had told me on IM. He startled for a moment, then realized what I was referencing and he laughed. I think he was pleasantly surprised, as I had been with Los previously, that I had paid attention to what he had said. We had more conversations after that.
I want more conversations. I miss the conversations. I want to hear. I want to be heard.
In differences of opinion, I try to remain calm and hear the other person out but once someone raises their voice, I shut down. When I feel like I need to raise my voice to be heard in turn, I know I’m not being heard. That’s the reason I started to raise my voice in the first place.
I remember a few years ago, I was talking to MadScientist and he cut me off at the mere mention of FB. “I am not joining FB.” I wasn’t trying to convince him to join; all I was trying to do was to tell him about a funny conversation I had through FB. I just wanted to tell him a story. I didn’t tell MadScientist anything after that. [Several months later, he's on FB]
On the other side, Los endeared himself to me long ago. I remember hanging out with Los at the bench while everyone else had a class to go to. We just talked as people do. Weeks later, hanging out again, he mentioned something I had said the previous time. I don’t remember what it was now, but I know it was something specific that showed that he had been listening to me before.
I remember how that felt to be heard and so I’ve been working on being a better listener ever since. It would help if I had a better memory for what I hear, but that’s not going to stop me from listening. And I want the other person to know that I’ve heard them. When I was trying to tell someone that I would be silent and let them speak first, even that upset the other person and so that was probably the last conversation I tried to have with that person. Why is it so difficult?
On a Focus on the Family broadcast [Truth: Can We Both Be Right?] Ryan Dobson talks briefly about the difference between a conversation and a debate. To paraphrase, oftentimes we enter a conversation with someone and it turns into a debate; conversation gets shut down. When you’re going into a debate, load for bear and shoot often. When you’re having a conversation with someone, ask questions, ask them “why?” “Why do you believe that?” “Why do you feel that way?”
I remember talking to Redlance over IM. We finally met together in person over a meal. I made a little joke in reference to something he had told me on IM. He startled for a moment, then realized what I was referencing and he laughed. I think he was pleasantly surprised, as I had been with Los previously, that I had paid attention to what he had said. We had more conversations after that.
I want more conversations. I miss the conversations. I want to hear. I want to be heard.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
What’s In a Name, Too?
Bear with me, I've prepared all these name entries to come up. I'm fascinated with many things, including all the things behind names.
Jen or Jenn?
I don’t think I ever liked the look of ‘Jen’ for some reason. Maybe it’s because my surname is so short already, I don’t know.
I have had many classes with other Jennifers in it. This one Jennifer drew ‘Jenn’ on her folder and I thought it looked good, the drawing itself and the look of the double-enn’d short form. I had never seen it with two [n]s before. I’ve been writing ‘Jenn’ ever since.
To me, ‘Jenn’ is more aesthetically pleasing than ‘Jen.’ ‘Jenn’ is exactly half of my first name. ‘Jen’ is 3/8 of my first name. I suppose 3/8 is not as ‘neat’ a fraction as ½? Maybe? And it may or may not have something to do with me being a Libran. I don’t know.
Even when people say ‘Jen,’ I think I can hear the difference. I’m like that.
Mahalo for reading.
Jen or Jenn?
I don’t think I ever liked the look of ‘Jen’ for some reason. Maybe it’s because my surname is so short already, I don’t know.
I have had many classes with other Jennifers in it. This one Jennifer drew ‘Jenn’ on her folder and I thought it looked good, the drawing itself and the look of the double-enn’d short form. I had never seen it with two [n]s before. I’ve been writing ‘Jenn’ ever since.
To me, ‘Jenn’ is more aesthetically pleasing than ‘Jen.’ ‘Jenn’ is exactly half of my first name. ‘Jen’ is 3/8 of my first name. I suppose 3/8 is not as ‘neat’ a fraction as ½? Maybe? And it may or may not have something to do with me being a Libran. I don’t know.
Even when people say ‘Jen,’ I think I can hear the difference. I’m like that.
Mahalo for reading.
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