Birth Order Contemplations

I came across this at a store:



I am considering getting that as a present to someone, most likely my brother. I don't know that he needs another silly book, but I am sure he would appreciate the humor. Only, it is quite expensive to be a gag gift, even for my brother.
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A friend recently said that I seem like an only child. It could be that my friends don't get to see my brother and I interact much, but my friend said that I just don't behave like a typical youngest child.

When my brother and I are together, I totally feel like the younger sister. I had a difficult time living with him if only because as we grew older, he began to act as if he were my parent; dealing with two parents was enough!

But otherwise, we didn't really have huge arguments and such. He looked after me, protected me, tries to be very thoughtful when getting me a gift. He's a good older brother.

Sometimes, I feel like I was meant to be a middle child. Mom says that no one came after I was born, so I am a youngest child. The middle child feelings are coming out more as Mom got a dog. Does that sound sad or what? Dad and Bro are a little more like friends; Mom's attention is on the dog. And I'm left with...myself...and my cats...

I'm not complaining, it's just an odd feeling. I sense that I relate more like a middle child.

Where are you in the birth order? Do you think your position on the birth order has any influence on who you are?

More Small Group Adventures!

Here are more photos and descriptions of our Women's Small Group activities. If you have a small group, hopefully this can give you some ideas on things your group can do.

In getting started at first, trying to get organized, we went with a default of meeting at Salt Lake SC. This is because the SC is near our central location and has a selection of places we enjoy; mostly we frequent ColdStone, Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and we've tried out the saimin shop there which is pretty good. Hmmm, we haven't done Soon's yet, must remedy this.

Ginger's schedule opened up and offered to host small group. Fist had a humongous nail polish collection and wanted help with making use of it, so we held a nail polish party at Ginger's. This was our first real theme night.


About 15 of the colors came from Ginger and me. Fist brought the rest!

The next theme night was Punch and Makeup. Fist hosted and made an alcohol-free Cosmopolitan Punch, with fresh garnishes of blueberries, cranberries and orange zest. It was delicious! She had been wanting to make it for the group so tried it out on us. Halloween and our church's Harvest Celebration were coming up so we planned out more costume details and that included how we would do our makeup. Most of the products were from my collection this time.



Fist had to find snails for the saltwater tank in her classroom so we moved small group to the beach and went snail-hunting to help her out. It was fun! Bubbles found a cool decorator crab that had anemones on its shell. This mother and her sons passed by and got curious so we showed them some of our finds. I think she said they were visiting. The boys got a little jealous that we were "playing!"


And here we are, rinsing off our feet! They wanted this photo. No, we are not doing a rain dance!



Texas offered to host SG and we finally went over. This photo is of the cake she made: delicious! Orange is her favorite color and the spoon/fork thing she had looked cool!


Texas' sister and friend were visiting so we planned for a karaoke outing for them, but they ended up not being able to make it. :( We had a good time anyway. We didn't have devotional time and opened up the event to our male friends. Mahalo to Bubbles for organizing karaoke! Mahalo to our friends who came out and also for providing refreshments! Fist made more punch but without the garnishes this time.





Next we went to dinner at Nordstrom Cafe. The food was sooooo ONO! Bubbles treated us to creme brulee: OH WOW. It was good too. We had some extra time, waiting for Bubble's ride so we went over to Fist's and played with some clay!



Starting a small group is not as difficult as I thought it might be. Of course, it helped that I was just organizing something that someone else wanted me to, and starting out with people I knew helped.

I think I shall put some small group pointers from my experiences on another entry.

Mahalo for reading!

Closet to Blessings Exchange

Since September, I’ve been leading a small group with the young adult women. I still feel a little odd about it because I’ve never really been in a small group before and now I’m guiding one. Generally what we do is pray, read a verse or passage from the Bible, I lead a devotional and discussion time, and close in prayer. Then we have a bonding activity, for which we all have contributed on ideas. When the group grows to where it’s no longer “small,” one of them could easily take over my responsibilities and I could lead another group. God is amazing.

Next Sunday, the church is having a Ho‘omaika‘i [blessings] Picnic. One of the activities for the picnic is a Blessings Exchange. People bring their new and lightly used items like clothing, linens, and household things. People are free to come and pick out what they want and whatever is leftover gets donated.

In preparation for the Blessings Exchange, our small group had a Closet to Blessings Exchange this past week, after our devotional time. One of us had an idea a while ago to have us clean out our closets of things we’re willing to let go of, bring them to small group, and we could exchange clothing. It’s a fun and easy way to change up one’s wardrobe without spending money. With the Blessings Exchange coming up, I thought it would be good to have our closet exchange and then whatever isn’t picked up gets donated to the Blessings Exchange.

Our Closet to Blessings Exchange was a success! We laid several layers of clothing out on a couch and then covered the table with accessories. It was fun looking at what each other brought, trying things on in serious and ridiculous ways!

A few items were picked out and taken home. I was a little concerned that ALL of us in this group are of very different shapes and sizes. No two of us could easily exchange clothes with each other. We have the tall, the short, the slender, the curvy, the slender and curvy, etc. We have different style tendencies. Despite the differences in body shape and preferences, two of us came out with stuff. Generally, Fist took some of my clothes and I took some of Bubbles clothes. I think Bubbles took some accessories. We gotta find someone for Bubbles to take clothes from…. That sounds weird without context.

Anyways, we came out with two bagfuls of clothes that will be dropped off for the Blessings Exchange. I still have t-shirts at home to give away, but Mom wants to look through them. Texas was with us and others couldn't make it. Hopefully, more of us can make it next time!

Have your own exchange, whether it be clothes, teabags, books, random keys, etc!

Anyways, photos below!



Um, below, I'm wearing 4 layers of tops, two necklaces and two hair scrunchies. I didn't take the accessories and one top was already mine.

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I’d like to ask you to pray, right now, as you read this. I’m sorry that I can’t be more open here about what I would ask to pray for but just to sense people praying in general would be good.

In recent years, I’ve been wondering how the holiday season can be so warm and joyful as well as so depressing at the same time. I’m sorry, even saying that is sad. I just can’t seem to make any sense of it.

My heart goes out to individuals hurting during this season. Pray for them.

I’m going to stop typing and pray right now. Please do the same. Thank you.

Scent of a Woman

I have been wearing the same every day scent since…since high school I think. I’ve at least been wearing it since 2000. I know 2000 because that’s when I dated Neo. About 4 years after we broke up, he picked me up for lunch and commented on how I was wearing the same scent as before. My, how time flies. I hadn’t realized the fact until Neo pointed it out.

The scent is Calgon’s Morning Glory. To me, it smells fresh and clean, as if I’ve just stepped out of the shower. I generally wear the body mist but I also use the lotion and body wash at times. I intend to keep on wearing it as long as they keep making it, but Calgon’s been coming up with several new scents and I’m seeing Morning Glory on the shelves less and less often [it can be found at most general stores like Longs’ or Walmart]. I will be a little sad if they discontinue it.

I don’t like heavy, overpowering perfumes. I also don’t like powdery smelling scents, like…Estee Lauder’s Pleasures [I have a very low tolerance for Pleasures, but that is another story].

Morning Glory is what I wear on most days. I don’t go out much, but when I do I like to wear something different for a change.
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In college on a night out, I wore Curve by Liz Claiborne. The description on Amazon.com says, “Launched by the design house of Liz Claiborne in 1996, Curve is classified as a refreshing, flowery fragrance. This feminine scent possesses a blend of Italian mandarin, orange French Guinea blended with citrus zest, water lily, orchid and yellow freesia.” It was good for the moment but I don’t think I’m going to wear that again.

After using up a second bottle of Curve, I moved on to Tommy Hilfiger’s Tommy Girl. Amazon.com description says, “This effervescent floral scent inspired by American wildflowers, combines a blend of camellia and black currant flowers, mandarin, tangerine, Cherokee rose, desert jasmine and butterfly violets.” I have since cut way back on my going out, so I still have half a bottle of this left. I’m not sure if I’m going to give it away or keep it. I still like the scent.

Browsing at Macy’s with Apple one time, we sampled some products at the perfume counter. I really liked Escada’s Moon Sparkle. As read on Amazon.com, “Evoking memories of hot summer party nights filled with a sexy, magical intensity where anything is possible, Moon Sparkle for Women is the essence of summertime. Captured here, to be enjoyed year round, is an luscious mix of irresistible sweet red fruits and delicate florals, infused by a sensuously smooth base of creamy woods.” I didn’t get it because I still had Tommy Girl, but I remember liking it a lot. It was a limited edition scent.

The most recent scent was purchased earlier this year, DKNY’s Be Delicious Fresh Blossom. Sephora.com describes it as, “a radiant new fragrance that marries freshness, vibrancy, and femininity. A blend of sparkling grapefruit, cassis, and sun-kissed apricot meets a blooming floral heart of sheer muguet and petally rose wrapped in luminous jasmine. A base of juicy apple, mingled with lingering blond woods and smooth skin accord, completes the irresistibly sensual experience of the essence.” I have NO idea what all that means. Fist says it smells like lychee, which happens to be the shave ice flavor of my choice! I really like it; it makes me want to make excuses to go out so I can wear it.
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I wonder if there is a pattern in reading the descriptions all together. Fruity scents seem to be a common theme.

Recap: for every day use I wear Calgon’s Morning Glory. Premier choice for going out and special occasions is DKNY’s Be Delicious Fresh Blossom. Second choice for a change-up in going out is Tommy Girl by Tommy Hilfiger.

Do you have a “signature scent?” What perfumes/colognes have you worn in the past?

Mahalo.

Pondering the Deep Pool

A lot to think about.
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The further along I move on my spiritual journey, the deeper the sense of believing in God the All-mighty. Perhaps one of my biggest blocks towards a fruitful life is fear. I’ve gotten better at letting it go and putting my focus on God’s power and sovereignty, but I still trip over fear now and then. It remains a work in progress.

At a recent Bible study session, the topic of marriage and divorce came up in the Book of Matthew. Understanding that divorce is always disliked by God is easy; it is less than what God intended for marriage. Thinking that abuse is not grounds enough for a divorce is difficult. The abused should make every effort to protect themselves, and others in the situation whom cannot protect themselves, as in children, but to not divorce the abuser sounds…. I have no words.

Logically, I can understand; that’s the only way I can understand it, not having been abused myself. So logically, or maybe it’s faithfully, I can only say it this way: I believe in almighty God whom can change the heart of any man and any woman. One never knows what God will do in the life of the abuser, but I also know that hope doesn’t always come easy. It’s a lousy situation.
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I have this great fear that… I’m praying God gets me through this. It’s something that has always been with me since I was very young, since I can remember. It’s followed me through my faith. I’m trying to get to that point where I can say, “God, if this takes my life, so be it for your glory.” I’m not talking about suicide exactly, that’s not what I mean. I’m talking about carrying my cross.

Am I willing to bear my cross if it will mean that God uses me to build up the young adults? What happens to them and those they could reach if I don’t? This goes to the question of how can I be sure that this specific group is who God is calling me to minister to? I was sure before, but not so much now. Couldn’t God raise up someone else? Is someone so unstable the right person to lead anyone?

Wasn’t I saying that I believe in almighty God?
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I need a lot of encouragement. I’m getting some and I need to appreciate that more. I’m overly critical of myself. I put too much unnecessary pressure on myself that I’m not enjoying things as I should.

And I would give it all to change the heart of one person.

I’ve gotten over one hurdle and the next one seems even larger. I suppose on top of everything else, life after giving up a dream is… brutal. Life could have been worse. I have all I need. Why do I want so much more?

Confusing, I know. I get it.

Gaga For the Lady

One of my several cynical friends put up a FB status recently saying that he’s a fan of Lady Gaga. If you don’t know who she is…I don’t know what that says about you but she’s a music performer whom is very theatrical.

Lady Gaga’s been on the “Ellen” show a few times but most recently in November. After watching a clip of the interview myself, I am more of a fan of hers than I was before. Before, I just liked her “Just Dance” song because, well, for many reasons.

I would also suggest watching a clip of this most recent Lady Gaga on “Ellen” interview. It should at least give one some thought as to how to see other people whom are very much not like you and how to treat them.

Lady Gaga Interview

Thanks to Cynic for his post on this.
Mahalo to you for reading.

Making Up with Makeup

For the longest time, my makeup kit has consisted of lip balm and not much else. Two reasons for this has been that my mom wasn’t the kind to wear a lot of makeup herself so couldn’t teach me anything and because my eyes and skin are very sensitive. I didn’t like that CoverGirl smelled like a medicine cabinet. Any mascara I’d tried would make me cry in a minute.

But now I’ve made up with makeup and having fun with it. I still don’t know how to manage day versus night time looks and coordinating cool, neutral and warm colors, but I don’t really care about that much; I’ll wear what I wanna wear.

The main contributor to this reconciliation with makeup is due to Nicole Miller. From what I know, she started out with clothes that are fabulous and started a cosmetics line a few years ago. Her makeup is only sold through the health-wellness company, Melaleuca. Her line is made with natural ingredients.
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For skincare I use the Hydrating Cleanser, Daytime Delivery Crème and Eye Wear Night Recovery Crème. All of this is gentle enough for my skin while being refreshing and clean. I also recommend the treatments; there is one for exfoliating, a refining mud masque, and a hydrating fruit masque, all of which I’ve tried and use.

On the eyes, nothing makes them water prematurely. The eye shadows go on smoothly and blend well with a lot of neutral colors to use and a few eye-popping colors. The mascara does not have any harsh, lingering perfumes. The waterproof mascara is really waterproof. I use the pencil eyeliner which is soft.

For the face, I use the mineral foundation set with loose powder. They both cover well and also have no lingering perfumes to irritate my skin. After awhile, I don’t realize I have anything on. I don’t care for the concealer, but that could be because I don’t know how to use concealer well at all. NM has great colors for blushes!

And LIPS! I love using lip gloss; I hate having dry lips. I also love the shape of my lips; I think I get them from Popo. My favorite colors from NM lip gloss are Flirt and Rumor. They are not sticky. NM also has a great line of lip-colors that are soft and smooth. I like Raspberry [discontinued], Fuchsia, Sun Ripened, and St. Valentine. I don’t know how to use lip liners either so I can’t say much about that.

One can probably tell that I don’t know how to talk about cosmetics, describing how they are and such. I can say that I recommend Nicole Miller cosmetics, especially if you have sensitive eyes and/or skin and care about using natural ingredient products.

For more information on NM products [under the “Beauty” tab]:
http://www.melaleuca.com/ProductStore/ProductStore.aspx

I am a Melaleuca/NM seller, so let me know if you are interested in trying something! They also have a return policy that if you’re not satisfied with the product or the color isn’t right for you, you can return or exchange it.

Mahalo for reading.

Click on photo for larger view.

NM products used in photos:
Above right:
eyeshadow Honeyshimmer
eyeshadow Fiji
eyeshadow Moss
eyeliner Deep Bronze
waterproof mascara Brown/Black
lip color Sunripened
lip gloss Rumor
mineral foundation Light
loose powder Natural Beige [Discontinued]
blush Soft Rose

Below first:
eyeshadow Honeyshimmer
eyeshadow Midnight
eyeliner Deep Bronze
waterproof mascara Brown/Black
lip color Sunripened

Below second and third:
eyeshadow Cinnamon
waterproof mascara Brown/Black

Christmas Wishlist 2009

You can skip this part. The real wishlist is the second half. ;)
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From LUSH: http://www.lushusa.com/shop/
The Sicilian Bath Bomb, 5.95
Honey I Washed the Kids Soap, 7.95
Miranda Soap, 7.95
17 Cherry Tree Lane Soap, 7.95
Each Peach Massage Bar, 8.75

GCs to: Charlotte Russe, Coldstone, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, LUSH, MAC, Nordstrom, iTunes, Foodland

DVD [widescreen preferred]: He’s Just Not That into You, 27 Dresses, any X-Men movie, Thoroughly Modern Millie, Twilight, New Moon, Facing Giants, The Blind Side [still in theaters I think]

Elfquest Graphic Novels 6, 7 or 8
Choice Organic White Jasmine Tea
A case of Arizona Green Tea
Calgon Morning Glory products
Glitzy-Glam keychain: http://glitzy-glam.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=4&products_id=6
Marit Larsen “If a Song Could Get Me You” CD [it’s not on iTunes :( ]
Clarinet, singing, or dancing lessons
A webcam
A weekend with HFH
A night at the symphony
A friend for Huggy Love Bear…?! :)
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A gift idea you could give to others that you probably haven’t thought of: Road ID items http://www.roadid.com/. I came across this as I was in California on my own, riding the bike to and from work, travelling to Oakland by public transportation, etc. I have the Fixx ID. It’s just an idea if you know someone kinda safety-minded and travels a lot.

Here’s the serious part. I DON’T NEED ANYTHING. I have a home, I have food, I have clothes. So I would rather have gifts of donations to any of the following: Ligonier Ministries, The Hawaii Food Bank, East Bay Habitat for Humanity or the Honolulu Habitat for Humanity [East Bay is because that is the one I volunteered with personally and they do a wonderful job]. This would be good also because I would like to donate more of my own money, but that is not much at all compared to the amount I would like to give.

Oh, another idea, I would like gift cards from any grocery stores, fast food places, Longs in the amount of $5-$10. What I will do with these is have a few in my bag with me mainly for when I travel on my own, especially on the bus. I will give them to needy people that I meet on the street. This would help me feel a little safer when I go around on my own by not having a lot of cash on me but able to have something for someone in need. Plus, this way I wouldn’t spend the GC on myself [which I probably would if it were cash].

I’ve had this frequent thought also to have an extra umbrella or rain poncho or jacket that I could just give away to strangers who need/could use one on a cold and/or rainy day. Maybe one of those portable/foldable extra bag things in case someone’s bag breaks or something.

So again, GC from Foodland, Safeway, Times, Jack in the Box, McDonalds, Burger King, any other food places; Longs, Walgreens, Target, and the like. Write a little note saying it’s for the GC Giveaway Stash, just so I know it’s not for me personally.

Well, I’m not even sure why I posted this. Not a lot of people read this I think.

Are there any charities you would like to recommend supporting?

Mahalo if you’ve read this!

Muchas Gracias!

I am thankful:

>that God pursued me so many years ago and still pursues me today.

>for my family.

>that I have a home to live in, food to eat, and clothes to wear.

>for my cats, especially Charis, my favorite feline companion when I cry.

>for Jules, the most wonderful friend and counselor with grace and stamina to handle my junk.

>for my friends.

>to have a camara and other equipment and materials that help me capture memories that make me and others smile.

>for songs to sing.

>for interesting shows with fascinating nerds on them to watch.

>for the warmth of the sun and coolness of the wind and rain.

>for bodies of water to swim [and swim sleep] in.

>to have a cell phone with which I can call for help when I need it, ease my parents’ minds about my safety, or annoy people because I tend not to hear it ringing.

>for humor, that we can laugh and enjoy life.

>for physical health (mental health is in question).

>for home cooked meals.

>that God put so much of Himself into the Bible that we might know Him more.

>to have various tools of expression at my use, like this journal.

>for communication devices that allow me to keep in touch or reconnect with people.

>for all the difficult times that I’ve gone through and for what those experiences taught me.

>for the iPod that was a gift two years ago.

>for people who know more than I do and are patient to teach what they know.

>for lip balm and other lip-protecting agents.

>that small business places like Waimalu Chop Suey and Shiro’s are still around.

>for the giving and receiving of unexpected gifts at an unexpected time.

>for soap, and I mean this seriously; I am thankful for soap.

>for inspiration, wherever I find it.

>for public transportation.

>for you!


What are you grateful for?

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Punching Out

I took a kickboxing class at 24 a few years ago. I loved it, except that I am not very coordinated. A few grandparents in the class were doing better than I was.

So to work on the coordination, as well as re-boost my fitness confidence, I am trying out an exercise DVD. It is Jillian Michael’s Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism. She’s one of the trainers from Biggest Loser, which is pretty much the only “reality” TV show I would watch or want to be on. Actually, I haven’t watched it in a long time and if I were that big, I probably wouldn’t want to go national with my size, but if it were a choice between BL and Survivor or Big Brother....

I chose this DVD because it is mostly kickboxing basic circuits and using one’s own body for weight training. I can’t get through all the circuits yet. I’ve worked out to it about four times now. It really gets one’s heart going. I love it so far. My muscles are really being worked! Now to get rid of the layers of fat so I can see my muscles. :)

I’ve been inactive for far too long. I’m more of a physical outlet person than a passive-aggressive when getting out frustrations, and I have several frustrations I’d rather punch out. I wanna work up to taking the class at 24 regularly; maybe I’d be less stressed. I think it might also help if I lost some weight. Overall I’d like to lose 25, but I’m gonna aim for 5 by…January? I should start swimming again also.

We will see how it all goes!

[One last thing: I am NOT saying that I am fat. I am saying I have fat. I would like to lose some of the fat so I can fit into more of my clothes better.]

Mahalo for reading.

Skippy or JIFF?

Serious question: do you prefer Skippy or JIFF peanut butter?

My family buys JIFF. Recently I bought Skippy because it was on sale and I’m trying to be VERY good about money. I don’t think I’ll be buying Skippy again. I wonder if it matters that I got the reduced fat one?

Oh! And I prefer chunky pb over smooth. I like having it on top of honey graham crackers. Yum! I like pb and banana sandwiches also! I think I’m gonna hafta have a snack soon….

So, Skippy or JIFF? Chunky or smooth?

A Howling Good Time

Thursday night, I went with some friends to a double feature: Twilight and the New Moon premiere! I can’t remember the last time I went to a premier. I don’t really care for seeing movies in the theaters, except I wanted to see G.I. Joe, but these friends do. Waiting in lines, sticky floors, questionable seats, overpriced food and admission, etc.

Lots of people only for seeing NM, wearing their Twilight/NM shirts. People brought their blankets and camp chairs for hanging out till midnight for the premier.

We got there earlier than we needed to but it was alright. No blankets, no camp chairs for our group. I thought it ended up being a good idea for watching both movies. I had somewhat forgotten what happened in the first movie. Then after, we got to stay in the same theater, same seats to watch NM. NO MORE WAITING IN LINE!

Oh, and the Twilight film burned through! That was cool! We did get to finish watching it though, which was good.

I can’t really stand Bella. After this, I wanna read the books but probably won’t. The movies are good but I won't give recommendations; you either wanna watch it or not. I like Alice’s wardrobe. I wore my sweater top with the white sleeves that looks kinda vintage, a headband, curled my hair, in the spirit of what Alice might wear.

No spoilers :)

Mahalo.

[I mostly wrote this just to show the photos!]

More Than a Bus Driver

I haven’t been riding the bus so much lately and kind of miss it.

I took the bus last Thursday, the 5th. I caught the A (Bus #84) from LCC around 12:40 pm towards UH. At one of the stops, the driver immediately got out of his seat to help an elderly man with a cane on to the bus. The elderly man has probably had a stroke because his left hand was stuck in a soft fist. His movements were shaky and very small.

I mention all this because of the way the driver responded. It has been a while since I’ve seen a driver be so gentle, patient and kind to one who needed care. I wish I could better describe what I saw. Something in the driver’s demeanor made me think that this was more than a job for him to drive people around on a bus.

I’ve seen wheelchair passengers get on and drivers get up to lock the chair in and such. This was different.

When we got to the elderly man’s stop, the driver got up quickly to gently help the man rise to his feet. The driver made sure the man was okay.

So driver of Bus #84 Route A, GOOD WORK!

Whatever job I have in the future, temporary or career-wise, I hope to display a servant-spirit like the driver did. I don't even know if the driver's a Christian, but it's how a Christian should respond to people. I hope to minister to people, not work a job. I hope to be God’s representative in the workplace. May this entry be a reminder.

Mahalo.

Intimidation

From the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:

Main Entry: in•tim•i•date
Pronunciation: \in-ˈti-mə-ˌdāt\
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): in•tim•i•dat•ed; in•tim•i•dat•ing
: to make timid or fearful : FRIGHTEN; especially : to compel or deter by or as if by threats
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So a friend thinks that someone is intimidated by me. I don’t know where to go with that, what to do with that. This isn’t the first time that someone’s told me that I’m intimidating.

I don’t know how I’m intimidating so I don’t know how to…ease up on that? And I don’t think I’m easily intimidated so I can’t say how I would want to be approached. It’s not my intent to intimidate people.

The person that might be intimidated by me, I don’t have much in common with the person. I don’t know what to do to relate to them, to open the door for a conversation between us. It frustrates me when I don’t know how to relate or when I try and it doesn’t work. I want to be able to talk with them in an easier manner.

Any ideas on how I am intimidating? How can I be less intimidating?

Are you intimidated by anything or anyone?

Opening Lines

I was at the beach park with a few friends the other day. We were walking down the pathway to the sandy area when a guy came from behind me and tapped my shoulder saying, “What’s your name?”

Whoa, scary moment! This did not help my paranoia complex.

Well, it was this guy from church from back in the days. I recognized him right away [insert sigh of relief here]. We talked a little. He’s at the church down the street now.

He was…on the edge of being creepy when I knew him before but he’s just one in a history of socially awkward guys I knew. I know what it is to be socially awkward; I have been known to ignore my mind filter and blurt out strange things that make others uncomfortable. I hope I’m better at minding the filter than I used to be…I HOPE.
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Um, yeah. Later that night, we went to visit Joker at work and to have dinner. His co-worker whom had been our server a couple times started to attend to us when I just pointed at Joker and said, “We want him!” Hmmm. I hope the co-worker figured out we were friends and not some crazy lady that was rejecting the co-worker's help [insert Jenn shaking head at self here].

Anyways, I don’t know why I walk around thinking that I will never be stopped by people I used to know, that I’m never gonna run into people I know. I walk around thinking I’m like a ghost, no one will bother me ‘cuz they don’t see me. I should start thinking that it’s a good sign that people will come up to me to say hi. I must have done something right at some point of time.

Errrr….ummmm….yeah. Mahalo for reading!

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The door has been unlocked. I'm tempted to look but also to run out the back door. I think I'm gonna sit still for awhile.

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I am still frustrated. I am back to being angry also.

This is all I know to say at the moment.

Do You See What I See?

I tend to be in the background partly because I like to observe. I don’t enjoy talking a lot because I generally feel like I have no idea what I’m talking about so be quiet, Jenn! Or if I’m talking a lot, it can mean that I’m trying to say something or trying to hide something.

So I like observing. This has saved me more trouble than I can tell. I look at the mistakes that people make so that I work that out in myself, learn from the mistakes of others. I see how people treat each other; I learn from both the beautiful and the ugly moments. I search for cues from people to know more about them than they realize that I know.
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I wonder about God’s omniscience and omnipresence. He knows and sees all. Reflecting on this has also saved me from a lot of sins I would have committed; not always, but at times. That’s not what I want to talk about here.

Lately I’ve been observing some ugliness in fellow Christians and it frustrates me, it saddens me. Why is it so easy for us to tear each other down? Why is it so easy for us to see the ugly in the other person and so easy to build up our own ego? On the judgment day, when I am called to give an account, what answer can I give regarding this kind of ugliness, the ugliness towards other Christians?

It still bothers me that Christians can be so loving and giving to strangers and acquaintances, but be so ugly to fellow Christians. That’s part of the… hypocrisy that non-believers detect. If I was on the outside and my curiosity brought me around a certain group of Christians, I would see how they do not love each other and turn and walk away. I have witnessed a non-believer being more loving than a believer. I’m working on being more loving than the non-believer.

I can be guilty of this ugliness. I’m letting God work it out in me. He wants me to advance His kingdom; that includes not tearing down what kingdom has already been established. If I have a part in winning a soul to Jesus, but I also have a part in closing myself off from a fellow Christian, have I advanced the kingdom? I know it’s not a direct one-to-one correlation, but it is a troublesome thought, isn’t it?

If I continue piling up grievances with fellow Christians, the kingdom will suffer. If I cut myself off from this person and that opportunity, I am telling God that I am not on His side. It is the opposite of Samuel and Isaiah and others when they heard the voice of God and said, “Here I am!” [I Sam. 3:4, 8, 10; Is. 6:8].

God is saying to me, “My kingdom is ONE kingdom. The church body is to be ONE body. Do not divide what is mine.”
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This is on my mind. Mahalo.

Untitled [11.01.09]

Today, I partook of the communion table. There are no adequate words to say how I am in awe of God.

I have sinned. God loves me still; He is here to receive me when I come to Him. Every time. I don’t understand it.

I am weak. I am intentional. I have evil desires.

I confess to Him, and though I cannot express how much I grieve my wrongs against Him, I am so grateful that He knows my heart.

I am afraid. I have been afraid for too many years. I had made tremendous progress in the last few years only by God’s power and love. I stumbled. I was falling and I plunged right in.

And God hasn’t abandoned me. Others have, and others will. I have hurt them. They have hurt me. And God forgives.
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For about a year now, I have been trying something out. I open my intimate time with God with the Lord’s Prayer. It has helped remind me of all the things God has given me to do through prayer in order to come to Him. Give thanks for who He is, be mindful of His purity, seek His will and not my own, He desires to have me with Him, but I am a sinner, and a sinner of whom He delights in redeeming.

It sounds like such a simple prayer. I am beginning to see so much in it, with God’s help, with the help of others He has sent for me.
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Please excuse me for not making more specific confessions here. I grieve that I have harmed God’s plan. I have made a mess of much. I will rest my hope in His power and will to use this ugliness of mine towards His glory.

Untitled [10.29.09]

One thing I thought was so sure, so comforting, is gone. And I can't do anything about it. It's gone away before and come back a few times, but I don't think it's coming back this time. I don't want it to. I can't handle this anymore. I feel sick, like someone's punched me. I'm trying to understand but there's nothing to understand. What's more is that this comes at a time when I'm not sure who my friends are. I don't know who I can reach out to and no one's reaching out to me.

God help me. Please.


"Song for the Broken" by Barlowgirls

I am the comfortable secure
Definition of this western world
And I have perfected deceit
Even I believe I'm above saving
And I'll never let You see

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used.

It takes me falling to the ground
To admit to fully needing You
Then when I'm breathing my last breath
"Come and save me" I will cry to You
'Cause pride has not let me say

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

Why does it take so much to bring me to my knees,
Why does it take so much pain for me to see?
If strength is only found when I am on my knees,
Why is it so hard to show that I am weak?

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

Life Without: Carbonation

I want to start eliminating unnecessary things from my life, from whatever area of life needs a weeding out.

To begin with…saying goodbye to dependence on SODA.

Starting with this past hot, hot, hot summer, I got up to drinking about a 32 oz. of soda almost every day.

For about the last month and a half or so, I’ve cut that back to about 16 oz. altogether!

It wasn’t very difficult to do either. I had to be committed to ordering juice or water instead of Coca-Cola or Sprite. I told my parents and a few friends who’ve been supporting this move.

I need to account for the 16 oz. Fist made a punch, a virgin cosmopolitan, for the ladies that was SO delicious! I had 2 glasses of it which she said amounted to about 2 oz. each. She had asked me if adding the soda was okay while she was preparing it and I figured, it is part of the drink.

Then last week I watched over my brother’s place. I went very late at night, after the nearby Coffee Bean was closed. In his fridge was beer, Coke and 3 cans of juice. I didn’t want beer, I didn’t want to drink up his juice, so I settled on a can of Coke. I didn’t enjoy it though. I noticed that having not had soda for awhile, I had cut my enjoyment for the taste of soda- a good sign! I hiccupped a bit. I didn’t want to finish the can and thought about pouring the rest out, except that it would have been a waste. So I finished it.

It seems like a small thing, but it is SOMETHING. It’s been good.

The next step in this particular elimination is to transfer a liking to juice to more of a dependence on water!

What are you willing to eliminate from your life?

Untitled [10.23.09]

Today’s Focus episode was “When Your Dream Dies.” It was the creator of Veggietales, Phil, telling his story. It was a little like Job and a lesson about Abraham and Isaac. I think it was something I needed to hear, but I just heard Phil, literally minutes ago, so time will tell.

God had put a ministry on my heart. He told me to do it. But now I cannot, not in the initial capacity at which God commanded. What happened?

I’m still trying to figure it out. I don't even know if it was MY dream at all, which then that part of Phil's story doesn't really apply.

I know I made mistakes in trying to figure out how to carry out God’s plan. I don’t see how I made such grievous mistakes towards man as to warrant such…breaking. God doesn’t call perfect people. He calls willing people. I was willing to go through it. Or was I?

I know part of my mistake was that somewhere I started to operate more on fear than on God. What was I afraid of? All the attention. It seemed like everyone was focused on me, all the success and all the failure that was to come, on me. It's not so much that I was under pressure, I needed some of that GOOD pressure. But some people weren't seeing that I was doing God's work that I wanted to do because I love Him. That was bad, unnecessary pressure. They were focused on what I was doing, not what God was doing, and I let it distract me.

It was God’s dream but as soon as man opposed it, I let the opposition distract me. So God took it away from me. I feel like man didn’t give me a chance to be the leader I needed to be and now I won’t have that chance, at least, not with this ministry it seems. It’s not so much that I need to be the leader, I didn’t want to be the leader, but that it was God’s plan to grow me as a leader and I let down. So I think He’s given it to someone else.

That’s okay. I trust and believe in this other leader.

But now what do I do? Where do I go? What can I say?

Ministry-wise, I don’t know. It was all so short, so quick. I feel like just playing dead.

Personally, I am trying to heal but I don’t know how. Another mistake I made was that I was counting on someone trusting and believing in me. I wasn’t getting it from that person. I should have kept my focus on God trusting and believing in me.

Finding out that someone didn’t believe in me still hurts. How I found out pains me. I don’t know what to do about it. I have great friends around me, why should one person have such an effect on me?

I’m still in the flinching stage. I don’t like being so sensitive. I’m tired of hurting. I wish I could be healed in a moment, but that’s not how it works, is it?

Made Me Flinch

This is where I am. Intentions are difficult to discern whether good or bad; most of it seems the same to me. In relationships, I’m flinching. I’m so uncertain about so many things.

In What’s all the Excitement About?, I forgot to mention Talent, who has amazing enthusiasm which refreshes me. Also, more praise of Bubbles, who had the right heart and mind regarding where we meet for Bible study and why; she brought the right perspective and showed that she’s being intentional about her spiritual growth. That’s what I want to see!

I want to give credit where credit’s due.

Today, I listened again to some Focus episodes. I was reminded about being unforgiving and the damage it does. I think if one can’t forgive, one can’t give. It says in the Lord’s Prayer, “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” [Matthew 6:12, NIV]. My prayers have been strained and so I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for those who’ve hurt me, whether they realize their offense or not.

I wonder how many times I’ve passed off helping a hurting friend. A lot of times, people hide their pain, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’ve assumed that someone else is doing something about it. I tell myself that someone else has it under control. I haven’t known what to do or say. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing, so I tell myself. I could have at least let them know that to see their hurt pains me as well. I could have said… I don’t know. I could have not said and given a hug instead.

Going back to giving credit, I needed a timeout on Sunday. I went to a rather quiet place but still I was found- God is good. Sir’s father found me and did exactly what I would expect a good caring Christian should do when finding a broken heart. He approached me to ask if I’m okay. He sought out a female to sit with me so that I wouldn’t be alone.

Father Sir’s actions are refreshing and inspiring. That’s what I want to see happening! It’s all too easy for us to go care for people we don’t really know. We go out to reach strangers or acquaintances. We get to look like the hero.

Why are we reluctant to be the hero for our family and friends?

If we cared enough for each other as much as we cared for those out there, maybe we’d be more effective when we go out there. I know it seems backwards, but I keep getting the message that it’s the personal relationship with God first, next we take a look around and build up those around us, and then we can make a difference in the lives of the lost in a way that is lasting!

It’s like the illustration that Sir pointed out in a previous conversation. The safety instructions on the airplane are to put the oxygen mask over your face first, then put a mask over someone who needs help.

I'm also reminded of a saying, I don't know who the originator was but it was quoted in the movie 28 Days. It goes something like, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result." Apply it to spiritual growth.

Anyways, yup. Don’t know what else to say. We’ll see what happens.

Oh, and the Focus episodes were really good ones: Being Salt and Light, aired on Aug. 23; Overcoming Sexual Sin in Marriage, Oct. 15; My Journey to Salvation 1 & 2, June 26-27.

Untitled [10.20.09]

What’s next? I still don’t know. I tried to do something, I did some things, and I failed other things. I’m still kinda angry and guarding against bitterness. I’m tired of talking about it.

I keep wondering if there’s a purpose to the fact that I’ve never had a solid foundational friend group for very long. I have great friends, just individuals. Is it just my lot in life to bounce from group to group? And I’m not saying these things because I don’t care about people. It’s that I know people will be fine without me and I will be okay without them. Sometimes, we're both better apart. That's a tough thing but if it's what is best....

Even those I mentioned in the previous entry, they don’t need me. They have each other and they have God. I have God and I will find others. Maybe I’ve done my job. Maybe I’ve done as much as I can for this group. I got some stuff started for them and they can carry it on their own now.

Wasn’t I just whining about being abandoned? Won’t I be doing the same to what true friends I have in this group? I’m not completely going away. I’ll see them at church. I’ll be a phone call away. I’d transition out as gradually as possible.

But I really don’t know what’s next.

Throwing out some ideas, maybe invest in some old friends whom also need Jesus. I could invest in Curls. Perhaps I could start a canvassing ministry. I could join Blessing in the college ministry on campus. I could make a harder campaign to get into Habitat for Humanity; I LOVE hard labor! I've been missing it greatly.

So it’s not like I wouldn’t have anything to do. And it’s still about what God has for me to do. I just don’t know what more I can do for this group. I believe in the group, I would be leaving them in good hands. They know what to do.

And there’s Pegasus.

Or I could get more intentional about finding a husband and start a family! Yeah, maybe not yet.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m lost.

What’s All the Excitement About?

I’m sorry about the last few entries. I don’t want to be such a fault-finder, such a negative energy. So today, something different.

This is an exciting time. Getting involved in God’s work is exciting! As I continue to observe and listen to some in this group, I am so encouraged and excited, because I’m finding out that people I was concerned with WANT spiritual growth!

They’re telling me what they want, how they feel and think about it. I’m learning how to ask the right questions to draw them out more. I’m seeing the little steps they’re making that will lead them to bigger steps in drawing closer to God. This is exciting! This is what I DREAMED for this group! And I get to be a part of encouraging them and supporting them which is feeding MY spiritual growth!

Five wants spiritual growth. He’s beginning to really trust telling me things about how his spiritual life is going. He’s told me one way I could help him get there and I was glad to do that for him. I look forward to finding out more ways that I can help. And it helps that Bubbles gives me a little more information.

Bubbles wants spiritual growth. I can see her paying attention during BS, really searching for the lesson within the lesson. We’re having conversations about spiritual things. Bubbles wants to reach out to people and I can’t wait to do that with her! And she’s looking for ways to encourage me, so it’s mutual.

Pendulum wants spiritual growth. I see him engaged in the BS lessons. Conversations with him here and there let me find out how he’s doing, what he wants. Right now I’m thinking of how I can help him. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’ll be on the lookout.

Fist wants spiritual growth. She intimidates some in the group because she knows so much, but she wants to learn more about applying things to her own life. We all have things to work on, to improve on; the Fist is no different. Last week at BS, Fist came up with an application from the lesson on her own! And I affirmed that for her.

Ginger wants spiritual growth. She misses sensing God’s presence. She told me what she wanted, a small group with the girls where we can really get deeper and pray for real things for each other. We were having an online chat and I wanted to keep talking to her; I mentioned praying and without hesitation, she said she was going to go pray and she left me! At small group, I asked if anyone wanted to close us in prayer and she volunteered right away!

These are the kinds of things I want to be around. This is the work that I want to do! I don’t care that some people think I’m a thinker; I’m also a doer. Give me something to do and I’ll get on it. Tell me that you want spiritual growth and I’ll get behind you in any way I can.

When I heard “if you’re ready to go with [the ministry],” I went with it. God told me not to wait any longer, that I was to do this. So I went for it knowing it was going to be a rough ride, knowing that I might lose some. But it’s all to God.

When I heard women’s small group, I went ahead with it. Right away I started talking to the others that Ginger wanted to meet with and found out their interest level. I didn’t wait for everyone’s schedules to come in; we got started because God told me not to delay. And I kept in contact with the others so that we could bring them along the way.

When Five wanted something, a thing that seems simple but complex and he wasn’t comfortable voicing it himself, I was glad to voice it for him. When he found out I was working on it and moving on it, the smile on his face was all I needed.

Why do I do this? Because I love God, want to be obedient to God no matter what this costs, and because I care. This is the kind of leader I wanted to be. Whether I do it upfront or behind the scenes doesn’t matter to me. Just let me do it.

That’s a moot point right now as someone is starting to come forward in taking the lead. I’m glad for it. I’m only disappointed in that some in the group for whom I also want to get to know more and do more, they’re not going to get how much I care. They’re going to miss it. They’re not going to get why I did this. They’re going to stay within their comfort zone a little more, though not for long if I’m right about the new leader. But they won’t have to deal with me. That's my failing.

And I get to focus on the ones who want me involved. It’s not me doing it but God through me. I’m still amazed that He’s able to use me. Two years ago, I would have never thought I would be doing what I’m doing, and THAT is exciting!

Mahalo for reading.

Untitled [10.18.09]

I don’t usually post anything on a Sunday, but I need to confess a few things.

I am angry.

I feel trapped.

I can’t see a resolution.

I am having trouble praying.

There is no easy move that I can make.

I feel abandoned. Not by everyone, but I am surprised by the people I feel have abandoned me. I don’t trust them anymore and it hurts to say so. But to tell them what I want to tell them means more pain and hurt.

What I wanted was to get right with God, to grow closer to God, surround myself with people who want the same thing and then to show the unsaved people around us that Jesus makes a real difference.

And now?

People have made assumptions about who I am and they are so very wrong.

I suppose each gift has its grandness and its difficulty. If discernment is my gift, I’m getting its difficulty now. But people don’t want the truth. The truth isn’t ugly, but it often shows us our ugliness.

Now, I don’t know what I want. I feel trapped. I’m beginning to think that to stay where I am would mean to stifle my own spiritual growth. I don’t know.

And this kills because the one person with whom I feel most completely safe and secure... I can’t talk about it.

Untitled [10.17.09]

I don’t really know what to say. Things aren’t the same. I mean, I know things change and they always will. But this just really sucks.

I’ve never been much on popularity. Overall, I don’t care about people liking me, and it’s been good for me in the sense that it allows me to focus more on pleasing God rather than people. It’s freed me to do the right thing more times than not.

Rejection still hurts though. Uncaring people still hurts. Losing friends still hurts. Getting the sense that I’m the poison in others’ lives still hurts.

I wanted to do something good, something for other people. I wanted to obey something I believed God wanted me to do. But I don’t know how to get people to want that with me. And trying to is just… it’s not working. I’m serious about doing this. I… I just don’t know anymore.

No matter how many times people tell me otherwise, I still feel like an outsider in this group. And this… conflict that’s going on, I don’t see it resolving anytime soon and it’s hurting the ones I do love.

I do try to see the best in people, but right now I’m so very disappointed. I don’t want fakeness. I want honesty, no matter how ugly it may be. I want true relationships. I wanna feel comfortable being myself! I don’t want to be merely tolerated!

I’m thinking about doing something else. I’m praying about it. It’s not what I want to do, but if it’s better for others… I’m thinking about going away. I’m not running away, I just don’t want people to feel like they’re in the middle. I don’t like people being in the middle. So I’m just going to cut my end off and no one has to be in the middle again.

I’m scared. It means missing the ones I love. It means starting all over again. It means having to heal on my own.

The Most Powerful Word

Awhile ago, I wrote an entry about how I finished my first Bible read-through. The point is that God guided me through it in order for me to know more about Him; I didn’t do it alone.

The outcome of having read God’s word is… practically indescribable. I have a definite sense that I’ve gotten closer in my relationship with Him, like never before. I have a greater (not perfect) understanding of who God is, particularly of His love and His power. I still have moments when I have to remind myself, or have God remind me, that He is the greatest, but I get it more than I used to. I used to feel… gone and hopeless and unsure. Now, none of that matters when my focus is on Him.

Seeing those people who carry their Bible around, I never knew what to think of that. I don’t think I understood it. I never would have thought I’d be that kind of person. But having read the Bible, all of it, I need it with me. I don’t understand it all. I don’t ALWAYS have it with me, but I have a difficult time leaving it at home. I see so much in it now.

I’m trying my second read-through. I’m still not perfectly consistent with reading it.

God is all-powerful, most powerful. The devil is not all-powerful, but neither is he a fool. It’s definitely the trick of the devil to get us to not read the Bible. But I’m so glad that God allowed…empowered me to read it. Reading the whole Bible helps me to see the whole picture.

It’s also a lot more responsibility. I cannot say anymore that I think I read this or that. Now it is, I MUST HAVE read it. Now I must read it again, get more into it, get more out of it, start applying it to my life more.

All I hear people pointing out in the book of Job is that he lost everything but had amazing faith and then God gave him double. What I read in Job is how God knows everything, even our hearts. I see how God delights in us and champions us even when we don’t deserve it, even when the accuser doesn’t deserve an answer.

Hmm…I don’t know what else to say about this right now. All I can say is that reading the Bible is worth a whole lot more than I can adequately explain.

This isn’t the Bible, but mahalo for reading.

Become a Lush…

…er, a Lush insider, that is. A Lush insider is someone who frequents the company and uses Lush products.

The first time I’d ever heard of Lush was about a month or two ago when a friend wanted to get some stuff from their store. At first, I was overwhelmed by the strong scents in the store coming from the products, as with any store of that type. I braved it a little just to look around. A few weeks later I noticed some videos on YouTube about Lush products. Apparently it’s a big deal on the mainland.

Last week, another friend and I checked out Lush for ourselves. We both made some purchases. I got 2 shampoo bars, a bubble bar, a soap block and a massage bar. I’ve already tried everything but the bubble bar.

The handmade soap comes as a block that are cut down to smaller blocks and sold by the pound (they can cut off a block to how much the customer is willing to spend). I cut a slice off of the soap block that I brought home of Sexy Peel (lemon, lime and grapefruit). It smells great, rinses off clean and still leaves adequate moisture to my skin (which tends to be dry).

The shampoo bars are, yes, solid shampoo but they lather great! They take a few swipes with water on my hair. They also rinse clean and are not drying. The two that I got was the Godiva, scented with jasmine, hibiscus and gardenia, and the Hybrid which is charcoal and licorice. Okay, charcoal and licorice doesn’t sound like they would smell good together or individually, but the shampoo doesn’t leave a heavy scent after use and it’s quite a good pairing of scents.

I love citrus scents, but sometimes I like a fruity stuff. I got the Strawberry Feels Forever massage bar. The website says it has strawberry and hibiscus. It smells like spiced strawberry…and good! It smoothed across my skin. It warmed nicely as I massaged it into my legs.

The company claims to be environmentally conscious. I would suggest checking that out for yourself if it’s something important to you too though I will say that there is not a lot of packaging and their products do seem to be made to last a long time.

Anyways, I don’t know if I would say that I’m a Lush insider just yet, but I am satisfied with their stuff at the moment and there are a few more things I'd like to try in the future. If you can get past the first wave of overwhelming scents at the store, and especially if you need a really relaxing treat, check out Lush. Or check out their website; I just like being able to smell things for myself.

Mahalo for reading!

Lush

Shuffle This

I’ve been reluctant to buying music online. I just like having the CD with the jacket and all of that; I’m still a hardcopy kind of girl.

But recently I went on a music spree on iTunes. I’ve discovered that another reason to go for CD’s is that I won’t go crazy with buying music! On iTunes, I went a little wild, just a little. So here are some things I got and some comments on them. In no particular order:

Whoa- Aly & A.J. : I’ve heard of them, but still don’t know much about this group. I really like this song. It’s got great energy and sometimes this is how I feel.

Love Drunk; Two Is Better Than One (feat. Taylor Swift)- Boys Like Girls: Like and like. The first one is energetic, the second is softer. The give and take between BLG and Taylor was done very well, in my opinion.

I’m Letting Go- Francesca Battistelli : Okay, this one is on the radio A LOT, but I like the message and how it goes with the feel of the music.

Turnin’ Me On; Energy; Knock You Down- Keri Hilson: Like, like and like. I kept watching the video for the third on YouTube so I finally decided to get the song. I previewed some of her other songs, looked up the video for “Energy” and liked the song. The first one was because I thought I’d like the energy of it from listening to the clip. [Are you starting to see that I frequently go for the energy of a song?]

Sexy Love; Because of You- Ne-Yo: I’m starting to like his voice. I also like the different sounds put together for the background to the melody.

Untouched; This Love- The Veronicas: I remembered Apple mentioning this group once and so I finally looked them up. Both of these songs I got in the live version. Like and like.

Insomnia- Craig David: I’ve always liked his voice. I was intrigued by the song title because I don’t sleep very well! I like the song but it has gotten stuck in my head as I lie down to sleep, so that’s a little unfortunate!

Come Back to Me- David Cook: I hafta admit, I watched him on American Idol and he was among my favorites. I love this song! Music-wise and lyric-wise, it’s good. The personal note is that I relate to the words very well, as both the person that went away and as the person waiting for someone to come back.

Fading; Fight Like This- Decyfer Down: I heard them on the radio and I like their hard rock sound. I’m really a rock-n-roll girl.

Business Time; Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros- Flight of the Conchords: Um, do I really hafta explain this to you? If you’ve never heard of this… um… group, look them up on YouTube. They’re ridiculously funny! At least, I enjoy them. If you ever wondered why they’re called “business socks,” the Conchords explain it in the first song.

Take Me As I Am- FM Static: Good! I think this is where I am currently in my spiritual walk. I love the music too.

Better In Time- Leona Lewis: Recommended by Apple, another good one. My opinion is still that she should have enunciated the chorus better. And I cannot stand “Bleeding Love” so I really hafta forget that she sings that song too when I listen to this one.

You Belong With Me; I’m Only Me When I’m With You; Love Story- Taylor Swift: I didn’t get into Taylor until very recently (look up “Thug Story” on YouTube- thanks Fist!). Another interesting thing is that I heard her songs A LOT because of my guy friends! Yup. My favorite so far is the second song.
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I also got some songs that have been around or are on the radio a lot. No Air- Jordin Sparks; This Time- John Legend; By Your Side- Tenth Avenue North; The Last Night; Whispers in the Dark- Skillet. All good songs. I also got a couple Jesse McCartney songs, “She’s No You” and “Body Language.”

"Can’t Find the Words" by Karina I got because I heard it on YouTube, it’s nothing very original, but I like the simplicity of it, the easy feel of it. I got the entire Matthew West album, “Something to Say.” I’m hoping to get around to writing a whole review for it. I also got "Broken" by Seether; it features Amy Lee from Evanescence and I like how their voices go together for this song.

A real find has been “Smile” by Uncle Kracker. I love this song, go listen to it!

I’ve been watching Michelle Phan videos on YouTube; she’s more for makeup and style but she uses great music for her background. It’s music I’ve never heard before and I’ve been looking for new music. So for this past music spree, on recommendation from Phan videos, I got:

You Can Be the One; Empty Streets- Late Night Alumni
Come To Life; Breathing Underwater- Marie Digby
Enchanted Life- Samantha James

"Breathing Underwater" is my favorite of these; I wonder if it has to do with Swim-sleeping?
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A few more that I got on a previous music spree that I really like: Somos Novios- Andrea Bocelli; Uh-huh- Munchausen By Proxy; Who I Am- Stroke 9.

Okay, that’s enough for now. Let me know if there’s any song or artist that you think I should look up or that I might enjoy! I love music!

Mahalo for reading.

Pegasus

I sense that I’m in the calm before the storm. I’m not talking about what people probably think I’m talking about. I’m on the edge of something that I believe can be simply wonderful but realistically, could also be… troublesome. I wish I could tell someone but there’s not really anyone to tell or… I don’t know!

It has to do with Pegasus. I kinda mentioned that before and people are gonna say huh? I would’ve used the word “unicorn” instead but there’s this whole internet thing about a certain unicorn.

So. Pegasus. The winged horse of Greek mythology. I like the idea of Pegasus, maybe it fits better than unicorn anyway. My mind turns to Clash of the Titans, an old movie starring Harry Hamlin as Perseus. Perseus frees Pegasus from a chain; later, Pegasus assists Perseus in saving Andromeda from the sea monster Cetus. That’s in the movie, I think. In mythology, when Perseus cuts off Medusa’s head, Pegasus springs forth from her neck. Poseidon is credited as the sire of Pegasus. Wow, that brings up a whole host of tangents!

Anyways, I cannot name my Pegasus, yet, but hopefully in the future. It’s quite a test of patience not to say anything at the moment. I’m trying to keep level-headed about it all. I kinda like the name “Andromeda” –tangent.

Well, I know, I’m still not making any sense. I’m excited. I just wanted to have something documented and hopefully I can come back to this someday.

Mahalo for reading.

Missed Communication

Superpowers are fascinating. I feel so powerless at times and I know that is a lesson for me to trust God, believe that God is my power. Still, it’s fun to think about being granted the blessing of a superpower.

If you could have a superpower, what would you like it to be?

My answer for the past several years has been the power of fluency. Sometimes I call it the power of communication or the power of languages or the power of understanding. I keep thinking about the idea being lost in translation, thinking about the Tower of Babel, thinking about how difficult it is for me to communicate my thoughts to others. I wonder how many disputes could’ve been kept down rather than escalating to something terrible if only two people had been able to understand each other.

I think I would love to be a peacekeeper, but that is not my superpower and it doesn’t seem to be my spiritual gift either. I’d like to be an ambassador or a translator; there’s responsibility in it that I’d like to use towards keeping the peace. When I’ve taken spiritual gift evaluations, minor gifts have been known to change, but top on my list has consistently been discernment.

I’m in a period of heavy discernment at the moment. I’ve found that I cannot control this gift. God has gifted me discernment, but He is ultimately in control. He gives me the information I need when I am to use it. Lately I feel like my gift is failing me or I’m failing the gift; I tend towards the latter thought. I’ve been second-guessing myself. I’ve been second-guessing what I’m sensing God to be telling me.

Sometimes, a difficult thing with discernment is that I need time to process things. At times, I still need to discern my own emotions and get those out of the way before I can know what it is to do. But it takes time. And it seems others cannot wait. They don’t trust me and so they cannot see that the time I’m taking is vital to how I proceed next. Other factors came into play, but the time I’m taking now will hopefully avoid greater errors in the future. I hope. I HOPE.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Superpower of language fluency; I want to understand people. Some understand me and others don't. I understand that sometimes it is better not to speak and so I like being the observer. Soon, very soon, I will need to be the speaker.

Mahalo for reading. One of these days I’ll start making sense again, that is, if I ever made sense in the first place.

Uncertainty

How much can one person withstand? How many times can one person break and get back up again? By oneself, not much, not very many times.

This past Sunday, the pastor pointed to the story of Abram. In passing, he talked about God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, the beloved son. What is my Isaac? Who is my Isaac? This is what my mind has been on lately.

Before the sermon, the week before, I was already considering a situation to give up to God. I haven’t yet. Then it seemed with the sermon that maybe God was sending me a yes, that’s it, give it up. But another circumstance has come up that… the situation that I was going to give up, I think God is telling me to hold on to it; it’s brought me some understanding and peace. Which brings up a question of how can I know the voice of God versus an imitator?

Can the devil give peace?

The reason why I haven’t given it up is that every time I thought I would, I felt sick inside. When I resolved to keep it, I would feel calm, at peace.
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I’m not talking about the voice of God here.

I think something sounds one way in my mind and others are telling me that it sounds another way. How much am I supposed to be concerned with that? How much can I control others’ perceptions? How much am I supposed to cater to the others?

It’s not that I don’t care. It’s not that I’m above … and it frustrates me that I can’t say what is … what does it matter? It’s not being heard. That much I know.
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This isn’t very coherent at all, is it? Well, it seems food is also upset with me at this time. I’d like to take care of a few things right away, but I don’t really operate well on an empty stomach, that’s another thing I know.

I wish I could talk about a few things, glow about my Pegasus for one. I don’t feel like I can be myself. Even here, on my own journal, I can’t. I am starting to feel paralyzed, like I can’t do anything right but will do everything wrong. I hate this. Why say anything at all? Because perhaps it might force me to move. Maybe this would crack the paralysis.